Excuse me, your ugly is showing: 2018 in review

as the year winds down, and a new one is cresting, my mind is racing, trying to weed through all the lessons i've learned this past year, while also trying to excite myself for all those that lay ahead.

this year brought a lot of firsts for me. for the very first time, i had a job wholly independent from my family. the adjustments it brought were completely unexpected. the things i have learned have been tattooed onto my mind, shaping me into someone almost wholly unrecognizable from who i was last year this time. independence, respect, work ethic, customer service, new skills, sharpening ones i already had...when i look back i feel like all i've done is grown. in just about every area. 

there were aspects of my character, i didn't realize people in my life just...put up with, until i was working with someone who wasn't going to. and it was in these ways that i grew that were most painful. i took it personally when i felt aspects of my personality were under attack, when what was being refined was my character. i could speak of the tact used, but what matters is that i was refined. and whether i liked method or not, i was made a better person. and i have some painful moments to be reminded of that by. 

just when i think i've been stretched and grown and refined enough, a new mirror is held in front of my ever learning but ugly character, and a new opportunity to grow is shoved down my throat, and placed into my tightly clenched fists. 

i have quoted many times my pop, who wisely says "people are messy" and this year i learned just how messy they can be. and as i learned how messy loving people is and how messy being a person is, i learned that when people are with people, the ugly comes out. let me tell y'all, 

the ugly. 

showed. 

up. 

i saw ugly in myself and others that i never even fathomed could be there. as my work situation has shifted, i went from working with one guy, to five women and boy was that a change. the honeymoon phase has ended, and the ugly is leaking out now as we all find our bearings with each other. i though we were in better shape than this, but we're learning new ways to deal with people as we learn to deal well with one another. new people: new things to learn about myself. 

amidst all the ugly i would say this: the ugly shows up, but 

always. 

choose. 

to learn. 

there are lessons in every small trial we face. there are always opportunities for our character to be refined. i didn't always view the ugly (mine or others) as opportunity to grow and change. i didn't always learn from every situation that left me feeling inadequate, or unsatisfied. but when i did, i was better for it. among all the ugly, learn, grow, repeat, there was one other thing, always available for the taking or the giving: grace. 

so.

much. 

grace.

at every short coming, at every failed attempt, or lack of attempt, at every new situation, or not-my-greatest-moments, in every moment of weakness, at the ugly of myself and those around me, there was grace on grace on grace for everyone involved. i wish i always remembered that, when moments felt beyond repair, that there was grace, but i remember it now. 

so go into 2019, ready to face the ugly, ready to learn, and ready to extend grace, to you, and those around you. happy new year, friends. 

Do Not Let Your Heart Be Jonah

I'm standing at my mom's kitchen island feeling somewhat sporty, productive and Pinteresty. This morning I donned my favorite leggings, running shoes and a messy bun. I've got Jason Castro gently singing and some shortbread bars are baking in the oven, preparing for the second step. Life is alright. It's not what I want exactly, but it's alright. 

This morning, we sat down to read an expert from Andrea Lucado in a She Reads Truth study, and she wrote about Jonah and Nineveh. I've always viewed it as a story of great redemption, and it is. Mostly for me because, I have never been able to recall what happened to Jonah because I've always sort of...ignored it. I don't like that the great redemption doesn't seem to include his own. We in fact have every reason to believe that Jonah just kinda disappeared and died. He was angry at God and said as much (Jonah 4:9)

 But what do we do with that? What do we do when we experience the same emotion of "that's not fair"?

That moment, is where you find my heart this morning. Pondering the question "what do you do with the hurt and anger you feel when someone seemingly blatantly undeserving of redemption...gets redemption?" We have evidence that Jonah never did rejoice in their repentance and redemption. Andrea also brings up the prodigal son, and his faithful brother. He was angry. 

I confess I have found myself in that place more the past few years than I ever thought I would be. I confessed to my sisters this morning, and I confess to you now, I've tried to be the son that stays. I haven't always done a stand up job, but I have never left, nor have I ever wanted to. I have tried to live my life in a way that honors my Father, and yet there are people in my life who did not, and are now redeemed and leading the lives of wives and mommies: the life I have always prayed for. And more than once the last few years the thought "it's not fair" has screamed through my mind. What do you do, when you were the one who stayed, and you watch as your Nineveh confesses and repents and lives in the glories redemptive grace of God? 

You rejoice. 

You stop looking at your own merit, your own life, dreams, desires, hopes, purity, whatever, and you just rejoice. You follow the example set by the father of the prodigal, and you rejoice. 

If my desires ever come in the way of my truly rejoicing for a sister in Christ, then I have every reason to believe that they have become an idol. And when a sister experiences redemption,  my option is to rejoice. To find the joy, and to celebrate that with her. 

I haven't done a great job of this the last few years, but I am purposing to do so now. I rejoice in redemption, I rejoice in others joy, even if there hasn't been redemption. I rejoice at your joy, and I am celebrating with those who celebrate. 

It is so much easier to wallow and keep my eyes on me and all that I want and do not have, but I miss so many opportunities to rejoice when I do. No more. Joy from here on out! Let's rejoice sisters! 

I've been so happy lovin' you

I had about a million good reasons for changing my job, and since quitting the one to more to the next, I've had no regrets. But I would be lying if I said that the actual job changing was without pain. In fact it's been one of the most painful job transitions I've made. When you leave a nannying job, you leave more than just a job; you leave this little person you love so very dearly.

Pictures have been coming up on my newsfeed from two years ago when he first came and I confess, I have actually cried a little. I miss him.

I keep looking at this picture.

I keep thinking about that sweet lullaby that Uncle Jesse sang on Full House. The one line, "I've been so happy loving you" keeps playing though my mind. Although nannying did not come without it's own little baggie of trouble, I was so very happy loving my little Bear.

I can't wait to make coffee all day. I can't wait to smell like coffee at the end of my shift. I can't wait to serve people and build relationships with customers. But I confess, I miss my boy.

I'm ready to move on to the next adventure, but as there's a time for everything, I'm not totally over this job.

I still miss his silliness.

I still call bananas "buhnahs"

I still have the little blanket you used for nap time.

I hope dearly you come by for gelato for time to time baby, your nanny loves you still! :)

The journey ahead: all that is new

So since I don't like the "media bombs" people sometimes drop, I thought I would give the world a proper update on me.

Well first things first, lets go back to January. Yikes, I know, January. And not just January, early January. I went to Atlanta with some friends for the Passion conference. It was an incredible weekend, and when I came home my parents informed me that the company my dad worked for was going under. Since my dad found out he began actively working towards a new job. Nothing was panning out the way we thought it should.

The story is full of lots of God ordained, beautiful details. The way that all the pieces fell into place was a work only He could have accomplished. Maybe someday I will get my parents to do a guest post so you can give God the glory He so deserves in all He did for them.

So all of that to say, long story short, after some conversations and a whole lot of prayer, my parents moved forward, and they are opening a gelato and espresso shop.

YIKES. Yay! What? Seriously?!

YES. To all of the above.

My parents are taking a terrifying leap of faith right into the arms of God. I'm proud of them. The timeline is all His, and we don't know when the shop will open, but it will open when God intends it- because nothing has happened unless He has intended for it to. He knows best in all things, the faith this is instilling is vital.

So where does this leave me? Back to January...

My career as a nanny was literally all over the place. I was working for a school teacher as my main job, and doing some part time childcare for some long time family friends. Their situation, however, was changing and they were needing something more consistent. I love the kids, love the parents, love the grandparents- it made sense. So I jumped in with two feet, and by February I had three kids under the age of three; all in (cloth) diapers. Three different schedules, two different families. It was me and three little people that needed me to remember that this one couldn't eat this and that this one has to go down at this time. I had to have this kids on a rigid schedule or something important would be forgotten. (like naps. more than once...) Their diaper changes were scheduled for Pete's sake. To say I was overwhelmed is to put it lightly. I was frazzled, burnt out, stressed out and exhausted. I had Irish triplets and no idea what to do with these three precious babies.

By April I was a literal mess. The Bible study I was "leading" was not getting my best. In fact they were just sort of getting my leftovers. I didn't like to say I was leading, I said I was "facilitating" because leading was too much responsibility. I guess I thought that if I called it something else and didn't put the work in, it would be ok. But it wasn't. By the middle of spring, the study had all but fallen apart. My help around the house was all but nonexistent, and my social life was certainly no better.

It all started adding up, the best way I knew to give something of quality to these other areas of my life was to take the energy from somewhere else. But as I have learned, when you spread yourself too thing, you run out of "you" to spread. When I finally realized that I was no longer giving my best to the babies, that they didn't have my full energy, creativity, and enjoyment, I knew something had to change. I loved them, but in order to survive, I had to have way to much of a schedule. Not that schedules are bad!!! I was just so locked into it, that none of us were enjoying it- me or the babies. So I gulped down the pride, and gave the family my notice. Can we please just get real for a second? This was one of the hardest things I have ever done. Those kids, those precious babies, meant and mean so much to me. My sassy girl and my capuchin monkey man. My kiddos. I loved them. I do love them. Letting them go, however, was the most loving thing I could do for them. They needed to be in their home, on a freer schedule, with someone who had the energy to dedicate to helping grow their creativity and curiosity. They needed something I could not be at this point in my life. So in May, I said good-bye as their nanny and returned to my place as long time family friend and occasional babysitter.

For like, a split second, life chilled out. It was kind of...smooth sailing. I should have known.

I felt like I was doing better with just the one little guy. My baby baby. I've had the kid since he was 2ish months old. He's going to be two soon. Which, isn't a ton of time, ok, I get it. But that's most of his life. I've walked this kid through hours of sleepless naps, argued over quinoa, and cuddled the teething crankies away. I got to help him learn how to walk, speak, learn his shapes and colors. I've been able to teach him signs, Spanish, counting and how to work a crowd (go on, ask him if he pooped his diaper. It's hilarious.)

Needless to say, I had no intention of quitting. I was going to keep my baby, work for my parents over the summer (working for the school teacher came quite handy at times like summer. And holidays.)  and come fall, when I went back full time for them, my parents' shop would be up and running enough, that me being there part time would be enough.

But remember that whole "God is controlling the timeline" thing? Yeah well, if my plan had panned out, my parents would have been open by now and all of ^that would have been fine. But as it is, they aren't even going to be open in the next four weeks. Since this is a "family owned and operated" and everyone else was not able to walk away from what they were doing in life, it was down to me. I was and am the only daughter that will be able to dedicate the kind of time they need.

If we're being totally honest, I knew I didn't want to nanny forever. I did not, however, anticipate leaving it so soon. And yet here I am: walking away from the only career I have ever known. My older sister is sending her baby to kindergarten this year. I would have loved to see my guy that far and then had a parting at such time. But our end came three years sooner.

I'm going to sound super Greek when I say this, but babies are all I have ever known, really. It is the only job I have ever really had.

So, after some prayer and council from my parents, today I took a giant leap of faith. I quit my job, the only job I have ever truly known, and have agreed to work for my parents (as a barista....so. there's that)

YIKES. Yay! What? Seriously?!

Yes. To all of the above.

If you asked me five years ago where I saw myself in five years, I wouldn't have said as a barista in my parents gelato shop. It's not what I imagined for me. To be honest, I've been pretty scared to dream. As totally downer as this sounds, dreams don't seem to pan out too well for me. So I stopped trying to hope for something, and just take each day, each new challenge as it comes. It reminds me of a quote I read, probably on Pinterest, "Maybe the plans God has for me are better than the plans I had for myself." Really it was when I let go, and stopped trying to rip into every door I saw, that the one I'm pretty sure I am supposed to walk through was placed right in front of me. A big neon sign blinking saying, "This is the One". I'm not just stepping into a new job- I am totally switching gears here. I can't wait to be around new people all day. Meeting them and getting to know them. Learning my regulars and learning their stories. I can't wait to be surrounded by the smell of coffee all day. I can't wait to get to be in such a unique and special place with my parents. Working full time, the three of us. I can't wait to see if this is a "reason or a season" (God will use it in my future, or what He will teach me through it...or both.)

I'm terrified, excited, nervous, sad, ready, and totally unprepared all at once. But one thing I guarantee:

I. Can't. Wait.

Dear GrandPa

Dear GrandPa,

You won't read this, and if you do, you won't know who I am. I think for me, that is the most difficult piece about all of this: we know you better than you know yourself.

I sat with you today, and smiled at your "grandpa-isms". It was a lovely afternoon. Thank you for that. I needed to sit with the man I loved and love so dearly. I sat then with happiness, but confess I now am writing through tears.

The last few days have made me consider in detail just why I'm so thankful for you. You may never read this, it will never matter to you, but it matters to me. I don't want to forget anything you have taught me.

1. Among my earliest memories are the homemade ice cream. An ability you have passed down the line. Pawpaw, you taught me to make ice cream. Thank you.
2. There is a famous story in our family about the time you broke your ankle and used it for two days anyways. So maybe this wasn't your best move, but Grandpa, you taught me to stay tough through painful things. Thank you.
3. You enlisted at 17 and fought bravely, at the sacrifice of your own mental and physical health. You taught me bravery. Thank you.
4. You have lead our whole family in a number of ways. You taught me leadership. Thank you.
5. You have talked always with love and fear of our God. You taught me to love Him. Thank you.
6. You have loved on and honored your darling since the day you met her. You have taught me how marriage should look. Thank you.
7. You are known for your clever one liners, and little rhymes. They're cheesy and silly and give hilarious tidbits of "advice" clothed in humor. You taught me to laugh. Thank you.
8. No elbows on the table, bow your head when you pray, stand when your grandmother needs a seat. You taught me respect. Thank you.
9. You find faces in trees, and trees in the clouds. You taught me to be creative. Thank you.
10. You always asked about my school or my work, depending. You taught me to take an interest in the life of others. Thank you.
11. As I got older, things started changing. You and Mamaw needed more help, and for a time I would clean your house with you. You taught me how to serve. Thank you.
12. You whistle all the time. Everywhere, anywhere. You taught me to find and love music and pretty sounds. Thank you.
13. You go back for thirds and fourths on dessert, you play with our hair, and mimic us when we make girly sounds. You taught me how to enjoy the little things. Thank you.
14. You took our family on vacation many times. You taught me generosity. Thank you.
15. "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. If you don't succeed again, you may be sucking on a seedless orange." You taught me to walk away from doors when they don't open. Thank you.
16. You started asking questions a lot, repeatedly. You didn't mean to, but you taught me how to answer each question as if it was the first time I was asked. You taught me joyful patience. Thank you.
17. You were shivering and miserable today, so I got down on my knees to put on a second pair of socks for you. Grandpa, you taught me to be humble.

Thank you for teaching me so much Grandpa. Thank you for letting me serve you today. I'm honored, truly, to be in your family. I love you Grandpa!

In Jesus Name

 

You may have noticed that I am pretty bad at keeping up with my blog. Honestly, I wish you could live a day in my shoes. I am working three jobs, which includes four kids and some personal assistant/office type work, keeping up a social life, continuing to invest in my church and my family, and really trying so desperately hard to be a real adult...it catches up with me every single day. Usually around 10am. I feel like my life is a constant seesaw between thinking I did alright, and discovering the reality that I didn't do that good of a job. Oh, your family had dinner? How nice. They have no clean clothes for tomorrow, and you were supposed to send that email three days ago. Its a two step forward, three steps back process for me.

 

I feel like I'm the awkward 13 year old all over again. I feel like I just don't know where I fit. I'm 21, not in school, I'm working my butt off, not in a relationship...I'm really not doing any of the things that everyone else my age is doing. I don't know my place in this world. I'm telling you, it feels like middle school part 2. I am trying so hard to come into adulthood, and do so with grace. I'm doing taxes, ordering checks, managing my time and days so I give enough to everything that my time is dedicated to, and most days, if not every day, I am failing.

 

Some days, in fact the majority of them, it feels like my life has spiraled out of my control. And the faster I try to get a hold on it, the more overwhelming it becomes, and the more it slips out of my hands. Its terrifying. Its embarrassing. It makes me look immature, careless, and incapable.

 

But God.

 

The only constant in my life has been Jesus.

 

In my last post, I briefly mentioned that before worshipping, I have been praying my heart into a place of worship. Since coming home, the Father has continued to expand on what I learned to do while there. And while I've been obsessively listening to the album from Passion, (which I highly recommend), my favorite song has played over and over and over in my head. The chorus of Salvation's Tide is as follows:

 

||Let the walls come down in Jesus name/Let the lost be found in Jesus name/Open eyes to see in Jesus name/Let the city sing in Jesus name||

 

The phrase "in Jesus name" is something I grew up hearing plugged onto the end of prayers. And then it hit me. When our hearts are right, songs can be a form of prayer. I think we formalize prayer so much. I keep a prayer journal, and trust me, when my heart needs to be gushed out to the Father, it is perfect for that. But prayer doesn't have to be so limited to pen, paper, and whispers.

 

When my heart is in a place of true worship, singing the phrase "Let ___ in Jesus name" is a prayer.

 

My life has felt beyond my reach for three or more years, but when my heart is right, I can be in constant communication with the One who wrote every detail of my life. When I allow myself to really consider what I am singing, and truly believe it, I am sitting in the presence of a Holy and Perfect God. A Holy, Perfect God, who chose to love me.

 

Just to be clear, I'm not being "name it, claim it." By relishing in His presence, I am choosing a joyful and peaceful place from which to live. My circumstances don't change because I chose God over chaos.

 

My life, is still 100% beyond my power to control. I still feel like I fall short, come up empty, and don't have it all together. I still feel like my life can be a joke to some people. I still feel like I haven't gotten where I am supposed to be. I still feel like 90% of what I want to do with my life is unattainable. But I chose Jesus a long time ago, and now that I am facing a life full of bills, taxes, payments, jobs, and relationships, I still choose Jesus.

Let us love, live, and serve, In Jesus Name.

Stop Saying Jesus is Enough

Maybe its the fact that I was with 40,000 other believers. Maybe its the fact that I haven't done anything like this since high school. Maybe its the fact that I was with a new group of friends. Maybe it's because my faith was needing to drink deep again.

Maybe it was all of these in tandem.

Whatever the reason, or reasons, I was excited. I felt like little kid excited.

As we were sitting in our seats, I looked around at the thousands of people milling around, trying to find theirs. Thousands and thousands together for one purpose: to worship. I decided to do something I don't recall ever doing, so I sat waiting, and prayed my heart into a place of worship. I assure you, it made all the difference in the world. I wasn't just robotically singing along, I was in a place where I could believe what I was singing. I had never experienced worship quite like it. It was beautiful. So bold and bare before our Lord, I poured my whole heart and soul out, and not just "caught up in the moment" type of pour. A pouring of total surrender. I did this before every session, and the worship maintained a "whole heart" atmosphere for me. If you've never done this...do it! I don't know why I waited so long.

The first session starts and Louie Giglio walks out on stage. This is my all time favorite speaker and this was the third time I've heard him live. Remember that excitement I described? It was so still there. He starts speaking, and all of the sudden I'm the only one in the room. He is talking directly to me. There's no one beside me, in front of me, behind me or around me. I'm the only one. And bit by bit, I feel myself breaking down.

This isn't supposed to happen this soon... I'm not even exhausted yet!

I experienced a rush of emotions as pieces of my past flew into my heart and God said "Let's deal with it."

Louie addressed the "broken girl" and I have never felt more vulnerable than that moment, when I sat weeping, my soul gushing out before the Maker, Savior, and Lord. I didn't even care that no one else in my group didn't seem near as effected as I was, I was with my Father and it did not matter. The weight of sins, mine and others that effected me, sat on my lap as I sat listening to the Father's Word come forth this speaker.

"When Jesus came back from hell, he brought the keys for your salvation and the keys for your freedom"

He went on to say that He brought back the keys to set me free from whatever someone did, or didn't do, from whatever hurt, or anger, or fear, or pain, or jealousy, or rage, or sorrow, or malice I felt. Jesus knew what happened, and HE IS BIGGER THAN ALL OF IT.

I knew so much of this, but I realized, I didn't believe any of it.

But in those moments before my Father, I was liberated into His grace and love and freedom. I felt a literal weight lift from my soul. One I did not realize I was carrying.

Over the course of the next few hours and days I had a whole perspective shift, and I never want to forget it.

I was able to sing, and mean every word as a prayer for my heart. It was then we sang a song that had an impact on my heart.

"Nothing and no one comes close to you. Nothing could ever come close." (Simple Pursuit, Melodie Malone)

I didn't believe this. SO many things "come close" to Him where they aught not.

"If you stayed right where you are, I Am everything."
"If everything changed overnight, I Am everything."
"If you lost your job, I Am everything."
"If you never get married, I Am everything."
"If you do get married, I Am everything."
"If you got sick, I Am everything."
"If you lose everyone you love, I Am everything."
"If I called you away, I Am everything."
"If I kept you here, I Am everything."
"If you don't see another day, I Am everything."
"If you walk this world, I Am everything."

Jesus Christ isn't "just enough" HE IS EVERYTHING.

Saying that "Jesus is enough" suddenly felt like I was settling for less. "Enough" suddenly felt like I was saying "well I wanted more, but this will be fine...it's just enough." JESUS CHRIST IS MORE THAN ENOUGH. HE MORE THAN SATISFIES. HE MORE THAN CARES. HE MORE THAN LOVES. He paid such a price, just because of love, and had every right to hate me because of what He suffered, and He chose to love me anyways, and I have the audacity to say He's just enough?

Nothing and No One comes close to Him!

I walked away from this weekend, believing this with my whole heart. The God that gave me freedom from everything that has bound me, LOVES ME. And He, no matter where I stand in this life, is Everything to me.

He is and will be my Joy.
He is and will be my Love.
He is and will be my Life.

I came home, and real life started back- and I had to firmly stand on the guarantee that He is more than enough, He is everything.

Circumstances were immediately rocky, and Jesus was still everything. Even when life doesn't seem right. So much happened this weekend, and Jesus was still the "everything" that made it last. That made it so important.

"When the angel rolled the stone away, it wasn't so Jesus could get out [He walks through walls, it didn't have to move], the stone was rolled away, so that we could see in. Jesus isn't here, HE IS RISEN. He was the victim of our sin but it wasn't His identity. He has become the Victor! Jesus is alive, HE HAS RISEN."

Wanting more than just stuff

"The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want."

I shall not want. 

I shall not want, but I do want. I want things fiercely sometimes. I don't always want bad things, in fact quite the opposite. Except for wanting Netflix to not fall under laziness, but....

Shocker alert blogging world, I want to get married! There, the 21 year old freak has written it out in plain, bold letters! (Quite a feat too, since I'm writing in bed from my iPad.) I want to marry a Godly, strong, man. I want to learn the ins and outs, the sacrifices and the blessings of love. To experience love past roses and sweet nothings. To get into the messy part of loving someone when the job doesn't work out, or the apartment is too small or its banana sandwiches for the third night that week. I want to walk through life with that one man that I pray the Lord is preparing me for.  

I want to get married and I want to have babies. (My word the freak is bold today!) Lots and lots of babies. Babies I carry in my womb and babies I carry in my heart until I can hold them in my arms. I believe strongly in marriage, procreation, and adoption. Can you tell? I want to raise those babies to love the Lord and to love people. I want to teach them everything they need to know. But I want to learn everything I need to know to teach them...and that scares me. I want to be prepared for them, so don't let them down. I want to be a good mommy to them. 

I want to get married, have babies, and I want to be involved in ministry. This is a long standing dream. It's changed in the specifics over the years but the underlying goal has always been the same: to love on people that may be called "the least of these". The poor, the illiterate, the prostitutes, the homeless, the orphans, the alien, and the widow. I want to show them love and do life with people who have been stripped of liveliness. I want to serve people who have been slaves to the world and the minority in the system of culture. 

I don't want bad things. I do want selfish things. I want to be prettier, skinnier, healthier, funnier, to have a more contagious personality. And none of these things are bad. 

But these things, the selfish and the holy, are what I want. 

Me. 

Flawed. Sinner. Wretched me. And I shall not want. The "want" I understand the Psalmist to be talking about, is exactly all the want I've described. 

But here's the thing, more than the way I want my life to go though, I want to be lovely. To be lovely in the way my Saviour is lovely. To be beautiful in the way my Creator is beautiful. To be caring in the way my Rescuer is caring. To be gentle in the way my Shepherd is gentle. And to lead as graciously as my Lord leads. I want to want the things of the Lord more than I want the dream I have built. I want to be desperate for His Word. I want to long for it with every fiber of my being and with every breath that fills my lungs. 

I want to want, only for the Heart of the Most High. And I'm not there yet. 

But this thing, I believe, is a good thing to want!

New happenings

Well hello blog! Whilst I have neglected any personal update, much has happened. I have talked about finally plugging into a church, and what a balm to my soul that has been. Feeling like I'm finally "home" in a sense has been a feeling I never thought I would have.

We have also had a number of exciting additions to the family!




 
 
In May, this little lady was born to my oldest sister! After three boys, having a girl around has been very different already! Its been fun getting to see more and more of her personality and getting to know her sassiness! (Which I like to think I gave her) She is a darling girl and we are so blessed to have her in our family!













We had another very exciting addition just a few weeks after this Miss made her arrival! I shall spur my sister on to a new blog post soon, and I will allow her the details of her beautiful love story, but in the meantime, my sideline view has been a privileged front row seat. At just the right time, the Father saw fit to bring "Mr. Right" into her life. It has been a joy to watch her love and be loved in a right and caring way. He is already such a part of our family, the receiver of many nicknames, and making jokes at my expense! He fits so well, and has been such a blessing to my sister!





The newest member of our family came just two weeks ago today! My second oldest sister welcomed her first son, and we are all SMITTEN! This is the fuzziest, sweetest, chillest little dude I have ever seen! Every time I look at him, I feel like my heart is going to explode. He is precious and perfect in every way. Four nephews and one niece into this family, a new one never ceases to bring so much joy and excitement into our lives! We love him soooo much and are thrilled to have these two babies joining us on the family beach trip coming up! (We're also especially glad, because this guy wasn't due until the 28th!)




That's pretty much the fast track of life since the last personal post! And don't worry, I won't wait this long again! :)

-Mal

 

The Totality of His Promises

If you're anything like me, you thrive on positivity. Negativity has a huge "weigh-down" effect on your heart, and has at times put me in quite the down mood. Ok fine its made me downright grumpy.

I think it is for this reason, that I personally love and look for the promises of God. For so long I heard people talk about the "Promises of God" as though they were a new Max Lucado book. It has taken me until recent years to recognize that they are not an organized page in the Psalms, but rather little nuggets of hope and truth sprinkled all through His Word. And as this revelation dawned on me, soon I began hearing more and more of said promises.

Sweet little Scripture based one-liners became part of the language I was speaking as I paid more and more attention to them as other people said them.

Just here recently, I was reminded of a very cherished promise: "The Lord withholds no good thing."

Now before I go on, I want to be careful here, because I think often times in the name of "Truth" Christians end up tearing each other to shreds over petty little pet peeves. I don't want to do this. I just want to share what I have learned, and also to allow others to be aware of something that I was not.

So far as I have seen, every promise He gives requires something of us.

Now please don't misunderstand me on this. I am not suggesting, insinuating, encouraging or preaching a works based faith. In fact, just the opposite. What I see required of us, has very little to do with what we are able to do.

Take for example Psalm 63:8. Picked apart, the promise we dish out is "His right hand upholds me." Where this is true, its not the whole verse. The first part of it says "My soul clings to You."

My soul clings.

My hands to not hold, my mind does not set, and my words to not matter. My soul clings.

We are required to CLING to Him.

In just one chapter earlier in Psalm 32:8, we see "God is our refuge." But before the promise of God as refuge, we see both the statement "Trust in Him at all times" and "Pour your hearts out to Him."

We are required to TRUST IN HIM, and CONFIDE IN HIM.

Well what about in other parts of the Bible, not just Psalms? (Though the Psalms do contain an enormous amount of promises.)

Take Proverbs 23:17&18 for example. When encouraging with a promise, most might just state the gist of verse 18 which says "There is a future hope for you and your hope will not be cut off." but verse 17 provides us first with a warning that I feel is key: "Do not let your heart envy sinners. But always be zealous for the fear of the Lord."

We are required to NOT ENVY and to BE ZELOUS.

In Matthew 11:28 we are promised rest, but we are told first to come to Him (all ye who are heavy laden.)

We are required to COME TO THE FATHER.

These are just some of the ones I came across in my search, but there are countless others. And I dare say each promise notes something about us needing to cling to Him, or seek Him, or pour our hearts out to Him.

So often I think we complain about "God not coming through on His promises" yet we are not living like His children. Obedience is so full of joy. And when we shift our eyes away from the life we live so often, and reorient ourselves on the lifestyle He has commanded of us, we soon realize His promises where there always- we were choosing to live in a way where, we could not experience them.

Choose joy. Choose to live in His promises!

(Source)

Overwhelmed

I'm overwhelmed by You, You're sovereign majesty
I'm captured in the passion of a holy King
And I've been reconciled to the son of peace
I belong to You, You belong to me

The lyric has been playing through my mind for more than a week now. I'm overwhelmed by You.

My life felt pretty low in the slumps for a while, where my joy was low and the resentment towards the monotony I felt high. I felt like I had few friends, and those I did have were occupied with jobs or boyfriends or school or a combination of the three.

I felt no joy in my job. My sweet little bubbly, beautiful boy would just smile and grin at me. And as cute as his grins and babbles are, I took little joy in him. I loved on him, of course. But there was no joy. My mom really challenged me and encouraged me to find it and apply it- because it was making me grumpy and moody to everyone and everything.

I began to really seek joy and contentment where I was. And in seeking the will of the Lord, I began to find it. Slowly and surely, I found joy in the little things, and in the hard things. I found things beautiful again, as I also had begun to experience some apathy as well. It was most definitely not an overnight change- but it was an overnight mindset switch. A firm decision to commit the day I was given to the Lord.

All of the sudden I felt blessing after blessing pour out onto my soul. It was is if my heart was being led to the green pastures promised, and I was in knots of excitement, knowing what was ahead; the blessings and provision of the Father. As a friend reminded me just this morning, He withholds NO good thing. It is His desire to bless us. Though we neither deserve it or fully understand it, He does it just the same. In the midst of all of this, I began to actively see His blessings. Most clearly in the form of fellowship and friendship. A lady extended her hand as a mentor, and I am so thankful for that. I met with her and a few other girls, and although I was a bit awkward and maybe a tad distant, I can see myself really plugging into this group the more I get to know them. I was able to have a new friend come for dinner and then visit with her for a while, and I cannot describe the joy I felt for being able to invest into someone again. We were able to talk and chat as if we'd known each other forever.

Can you see at all why I felt beyond overwhelmed? It was too much. My cup was overflowing. And it just kept coming.

On the same night that I met with the lady and girls, the same night my friend was here for dinner, and the same day that I had spent time with the new group I am apart of, it just didn't stop. As I was walking into Panera for Bible Study, I discovered that a lady, very dear to my family was there. I hadn't seen her in at least 5 years, but probably more. As soon as I saw her, my heart just couldn't handle it, and I burst into tears, exploding with joy and thanksgiving.

All I have been thinking since two weeks ago, is, "God, I do not deserve this- but I am so thankful!" I cannot put into words what being overwhelmed by the Father is like- but I assure you, there is nothing like it. I have been able to spend time with my family, in the evenings, or we joined a pool this year and have gone almost every day. It has been such a blessing to take joy in them again. Yesterday, five of the siblings volunteered at a festival, and we just enjoyed being together and riding roller coasters. I have had the time to invest in this new group of people and I feel like I am being established and able to connect and form friendships. But all this by the hand of the Father. I not only did nothing, I deserve nothing. Would  I feel half as overwhelmed right now, had I not chosen to submit to the joy of the Lord? Would I just be delighted with the new of it all, instead of deeply and genuinely thankful for it?

In my Sunday school class, we are working our way through Joshua. Although I came in part way into the book, I have gained so much. Through both the teaching and the discussion. (This deserves a post of its own!) But where we are right now, is the Israelites have just crossed the Jordan on dry ground. But its more than that. When the crossed, it was flood season. So the Jordan wasn't just flowing strong, it was overflowing. When the Lord stopped the waters? He stopped them twenty miles north of where they were crossing. And where the crossed? Directly in front of Jericho. The nation they were going to conquer. And who crossed first? The army. 40,000 men in armor. This was a big deal. Like, huge. So God told Joshua to pick on man from each tribe, to go back to the Jordan, and each pick a stone and bring them back to camp. Why? So they would remember.

Why do I tell you all this? I tell you, because it gives a Biblical reason for my blog. I blog, not just to share, but to remember. And I never want to forget the magnanimity of this moment. Of this feeling of pouring joy from the Lord. Of the blessing of obedience. Once you taste it, you never go back. And I want to forever relish in His joy. Because whether His blessings comes in the form of little or comes in the form of much; comes in His taking away or His giving to me; comes in the form of keeping me here or moving me elsewhere, I don't want to miss it.

I want to remember what His glorious hand looks like in my life. I want to share what His mercies can look like. And I want everyone to know His joy.

Sincerely overwhelmed,
Mal

Not So New

Well hello there blogging world. After my last "real" post, I figured it had been a long enough spell of silence and I could venture forth with an update.

Its been just over a month since I have let you peek into the heart of the girl I described as "devastatingly lonely." And since then, much has changed. Much to the extent of feeling overwhelmed at one point.

Very soon after writing that post, things began to happen in my life and in my heart. Not even a week after that post, we went to a church I like to say is our family's church. My grandparents married there, my parents met and married there, and they stayed there until I was 2. (And being the fourth born, that's quite a while.) I think it's really for that reason that my dad was a little hesitant to visit, but alas, visit we did. And then we did again the next week, and the next, and the next. And so forth and so on. Now about a month and a half later, I feel more established here than I have anywhere in the last two years. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

In the middle of our settling into this church, we had our annual homeschool convention. And although I am now two years graduated, and my sister several more, we still enjoy and look forward to volunteering. In previous years I have worked in the children's program and let me tell you- it takes an insane amount of energy, patience, and joy to keep 25 little ones happy and excited for two solid days. But this year, although I enjoyed the fast paced environment of previous years, I had decided to try something new. I'll spare you the details, but I ended up working in the used curriculum sale. Which honestly, sounds wicked boring. But it was not at all. I worked with people I knew, and met others and enjoyed every second. Reconnecting with some of the folks, and making new friends- it was a really amazing weekend. I even got to keep in contact with a few of them thanks to the modern convenience of facebook! :) Although I'm a "newbie" to the established group of volunteers, everyone was very friendly, and I look forward to continue to get to know them in the coming months, and working with them again next summer!

It was just after this that I began to feel overwhelmed in my soul. I was suddenly being plunged into a group of people who remembered my name, and things about me. People I was talking to and seeing throughout the week were greeting me on Sunday mornings. The very things I had longed and prayed for for a few years now, were coming in droves and all I could identify in my heart was an overwhelmed with joy and thankfulness emotion.

Reflecting on all that has happened these last few weeks as I wrote, brought back the wave of overwhelmed thanks I felt not two weeks ago- and I just can't say enough for how thankful I am.

The church is solid, established, growing, and Gospel driven. I could not have picked a better place if I tried. God led us exactly where He needs us for now.

That's really all I have to say- is just that I feel as though I am finally "home" in a sense. Please just continue praying for our family as we settle in and develop relationships and ministries within this body.

~Mal

Real life nanny diaries

I think I have the best job in the world. And some days, are the best days one could hope for and other days you literally feel like pulling your hair out. I've been learning a lot about joy, and not fretting the small stuff. So here's a post about all that I'm learning. :)

1) Mealtime is usually around eight, noon, and six. But you'll probably end up eating at six, two, and five-thirty.

2) Sometimes love looks like laying on your bedroom floor bopping a bouncy seat, and that's OK.

3) You recognize the total unimportance of trivial things like perfume, necklaces, and wearing your hair down.

4) Some days coffee is your crutch, and other days, its 3pm and you still haven't finished your first cup.

5) At the end of the day, the small stuff doesn't matter too terribly much, but you will feel more guilty if you didn't cuddle your baby just a little longer than if the dishes had to wait till he left.

6) Leggings are pants. Messy buns are acceptable. And some days, chocolate counts as breakfast.

7) Mom will always be a wealth of knowledge.

8) Being a nanny doesn't just mean being good with a kid- its also being good with the parents. Parents are trusting you with their child, they will more than likely want good communication.

9) You do not have to "go" to work to validate your job. My job is plenty real. Don't believe me? Let's trade for a week.

10) It is the not the standard but the goal to get it all done. So if it doesn't happen, don't sweat it. One missed work out or botched nap isn't the end of the world. Try harder, get up earlier, and work more efficiently the next day.  

11) Always find the little things to smile at. Blowouts happen. Your clothes get covered in unidentifiable bodily fluids from baby. And he may just hate his naps- but at the end of the day, its his smiles, giggles and cuddles that make the job less of a job, and the journey more of a joy.

writer's block

I'm stuck again.

My heart is over flowing with thoughts.

Good thoughts like, what a lovely Christmas we had. How many surprises there were. How much family time was available to us. How we discovered a niece on the way! But every time I try to write, nothing comes out the way I think it should.

I have some "honest" thoughts too. And if I thought happy thoughts were hard, being honest is even harder. There's something about the ugliness of vulnerability that I can't make sound eloquent at all. Its choppy and frustrating. I'm trying to find the balance between humility and discretion, and failing miserably. If I share too much, I feel that it may come across wrong or even inappropriate. If I share too little I think I make myself look too good.

And so this tango between happy and humble is where I find myself.

What do you write about when you have so much rolling around in your head? If you're like me, you do this. A writer's block post. Where you let readers know that you're still here. Let them know whats going on in your head without writing posts about it all, and give a glimpse into your heart that says: "I have so much to say that I'm at a loss for words."

And that is where I shall leave you all. I'm distracted by the Tiny House Nation playing in the background of my thoughts and still, not able to put two logical thoughts together. Hoping for a decent blog post soon!

Please, Mr. President

Dear Mr. President,

You're a pretty busy man. And this I understand. But see, I've written you before and well, that was a while ago, and it just doesn't seem like much has changed since then.

Sir, picture this with me: think of your wife and two girls, and you in prison in another country. How would your kids feel if they had to go on living their lives if you were unavoidably detained elsewhere? Think of how your wife would feel, having to basically raise them by herself. Don't think of the torture you may have sustained, the malnourishment, the total cut off from communication to your family, the fact that you can't even pick up the phone to hear your wife's voice, or watch a cute video on your phone of your daughter's birthday party. Don't think about the fact that maybe all the people in your prison pick out you to hate. Don't imagine the insanity you would begin to feel in the dark solitude. Don't think of the months and months that have stretched into years that have driven a gap between you and your loved ones. Don't think of abyss that you face every time your conscious. Just think of your wife, and your babies, without you.

Mr. President, doesn't that break your heart? Doesn't it devastate you to imagine your little girls celebrating another year of their life...without you? Or to picture your wife celebrating your wedding anniversary across the table from an empty chair?

Now Mr. President, think of your country. If your country had any power at all, to bring you back to the arms of your family, wouldn't you hope, and pray, and maybe expect that to be happening? Now imagine that your country could do something, and didn't.

Mr. President! Search your heart! Doesn't this disturb your soul?

I ask for one last thing. Think of the man sitting in a prison on the other side of the world. The man who has suffered all this and more. Think of your fellow man, another human being, loved by God, suffering unthinkable things, and do for him what you would want him to do for you. Do everything in your power to bring this American citizen home to his family. And until that time comes, what are you doing for his young bride who is living the life of a widow, leader her family by herself? I beg of you, what would you want done? Are you doing it?

Mr. President, its time to bring Saeed home.

Signed,
An American citizen

I was wrong(Single life: part 3)

I know I need to learn how to say it more. But here it is. I'm even going to put it in big. Bold. Letters.

I. WAS. WRONG.

There we have it. I said it. It's sitting there staring me in the face even as I type. It's mocking me. Relentlessly telling me, how much I have to learn about humility.

My words, MY OWN WORDS, keep ringing in my head: "Don't tell me it's a gift, cos its not."

In my flustered irritation about the misconceptions and tacky, unhelpful, cliche sayings that surrounding singleness, I failed to note something: the context of the verses I used in that post. Sure, I read the two or three above and below to make sure they weren't taken out of context, but I sure didn't pay attention to what some of those verses had to say. So sitting in Bible study Tuesday night, I got slapped across the face as the verse was read. A verse I now get a know in my stomach about. One that I obviously paid no mind to. A verse that calls "unmarried life" .......a GIFT.

Not a season.

Not a learning time.

Not a time to play, or travel, or work, or go to school.

A gift.

A gift is a treasure, a precious thing, that you guard and protect, and use correctly. Someone has given it to you, because you were the right person for that gift. And you guys, I have dragged it through the mud! I do not like being single. I struggle with it sometimes, and pray that I will not always be single, but you guys....I'm spitting in God's face. He knows that that GIFT is right for me right now. And He allowed it to be called a gift in His Word for a reason.

"I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another." (v. 7)

See, he calls both a gift. And I think most would agree that calling marriage a gift is right on. But how many of us truly believe that being unmarried is a gift?

He goes on to explain why it's gift at all, and why he prefers it to marriage: because a married person's attention is divided between God and spouse, but an unmarried person can dedicate their whole beings to the Lord. When you look at it that way, what could be sweeter?

This doesn't negate the design and desire for marriage; marriage is still God's purpose for His people. But I think the "gift" of singleness is the intimacy you can receive with The Father.

"...An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord." (vs. 34&35)

a choice I'm making now

So as some of my readers may know, I recently turned 20. (I didn't  cry...but almost.) And even thought that is not legal drinking age, I think it's important to decide how you feel about an issue like that before you have to make a split second choice. In those moments, our judgement tends to be clouded. So I've decided to write up some of my thoughts and share them! :)

 I've seen more than one secular produced film, where a character declines a drink simply because "I don't drink" and people accept that answer.

It seems to me that a few years ago, there was judging over drinks, but man you were looked down on if you drank. You were a slob, less of a Christian, and definitely not esteemed in a Christian community.

To this day, there are still Christians judging Christians over drinking, but it seems to be going the opposite way. "Oh, you don't drink" As if I am less of a person for choosing not to. Why is it acceptable in secular media for a person to say "I don't drink" and not in a Christian setting? (Quite simply because we as Christians find the need to be so harsh on one another; but that is an entirely separate post.)

I'll share something with you: what I believe.

The Bible...it contains people drinking alcohol. Yes. Fermented, alcohol. Yes, God's mighty people. And yes, God's own Son produced more wine (alcoholic wine) at a wedding feast. I could get on a high horse about how that was just a "time in history" and a "necessity of the times" But I'm not going to, because that isn't why I won't drink.

So why no drinking for me?

1. Although not every encounter with alcohol is a negative one, I have never seen a positive one. 
2. I can find no reason why any other drink won't do; to me it seems foolish with my money, and I just don't need it. I don't need alcohol to enhance a social setting; I can have just as much fun without it.
3. In relation with number one, I have seen first hand how alcohol can rip a family to shreds, and I want no part in it. 
4. I have never seen drinking bring anyone closer to the Father, improve their Christian witness, or make them a better person. 

And therefore, I choose now, before I am of legal drinking age, not to drink. I don't see how it will improve the quality of my life, walk with Christ, or bring me or someone else closer to the Father. And all I ask is that you respect that decision instead of looking down your nose at me. I'm not ignorant because I choose not to, I have made an educated decision not to.

So why is drinking such a big deal? Honestly, I just don't know. But it is. And because it is, its our duty as Christians to decide ahead of time where we stand on it, before we find ourselves in a situation where we make a rash decision. I do not believe that drinking is not a sin, but it is a stumbling block.

We have been doing a character study in the mornings, and one of the character qualities we have been studying is "tolerance", but maybe not the tolerance you're thinking of. The definition we are working with is "realizing that myself and others are at varying levels of character development." This means, that if I go to a party with Christians, and someone is drinking, I cannot judge them, because where God has them is different than where He has me. And in the same vain, I'm not where they are, so I cannot make the choices they are. Every Christian walk is at a different spot. And there are sin issues, and there are conviction issues. This is grey in the Bible, therefore I believe that it falls to conviction.

So now I wanna know, how or why did you decide to or not to drink? Did your family have any influence or was it experience? Share your thoughts! 

Exciting Announcements!

Well this has most definitely been a season of change in my life. Gladly, its been mostly good changes including a new house and job.

My new "job" is getting to nanny this sweetie pie! He's about two months old and absolutely precious! I call him my little Bear, not because he's grouchy, he isn't! He's just like a cuddly little teddy bear! I'm starting out part time, since his mom hasn't gone back to work yet, but once she does I will be his full time nanny. He's been such a pleasure to get to know, and because of him, I have now mastered the art of cloth diapers!

In other news, I am going to be an auntie again!!! In May 2015, Baby Pepino will join us! This was very exciting news to hear, and we are all looking forward to meeting this little one! Girl or boy, we are always so excited to hear of another one coming! :) Read all about my sister's life with her three boys and being pregnant with #4 here.

And lastly but defiantly not most important is my birthday next week. On Sunday, mom has lovingly planned a family get together! We have been on a 30 day detox, (which my other sister has been faithfully blogging through) and in short, you can have meat, fruits and veggies. And that's about it. So we've all been wanting lots of what we can't have, and the main thing has been pizza! So on Sunday, we are having pizza! Cheesy, breaded pizza!

Then on Wednesday, we're headed to my sister's house for her doctor's appointment. Its kind of been our tradition to go and watch the boys so she can go. But this one will be an ultrasound so I'm excited!  That night we're going to Peruvian for my birthday dinner with just mom and dad and the sisters here at home.

Then on Saturday after, I've got some of my friends coming over. Not a big deal, just four friends to come hang out and celebrate with me.

Well that's it for announcements! :)

7 things you should never say to a single girl

A few weeks ago, I decided to post onto my blog, a peak into my soul. But just barely. Being transparent felt empowering. I felt real, like I was being honest. So I've decided to do it again.

So here I present to you, 7 things you should never say to a single girl, and why not:

1) "Are you interested in a relationship or are you enjoying being single?"
As a general rule, most girls do not want to be single.
 -Why should you not say this?
It's best to avoid saying this, because this could be really hurtful; especially if whoever she is does want a relationship.
-A better thing to say...
If she's mentioned a class, ask what she wants to do with that; if she mentions a job, ask her about that; if you have a trusting relationship with her, you will eventually hear her heart on dating and relationships and how she feels being single. Don't rush that.  

source

2) "You better get on it if you want kids!(or some biological clock joke)" or "Don't worry, you still have time!"
This is a remark that goes one way or the other, and neither are very helpful.
 -Why should you not say this?
If a girl wants to be in a relationship/married and isn't, basically telling her she's running out of time isn't just hurtful, it's heartbreaking. However, on the flip side, saying something like "you still have time" isn't your best idea either. To be honest, maybe it's not a good idea to talk about how much "time" a single lady has. Referring to her age at all, even if she is "young" can be really hurtful to some girls.
-A better thing to say...
Keep it simple. Something just as plain as "God has you where HE wants you" will suffice.

3) I have/know a really great (enter relation to male here)!
Great.
-Why should you not say this?
If she's a girl like me, she isn't going to pursue the relationship. I appreciate you mentioning this guy to me, but if you really think there would be something there, mention me to him. I'm not going to approach a guy like that. However, thank you for thinking of me!
-A better thing to say...
Honestly, some times fewer words are better. Saying something like "God knows His plan for you" I find very encouraging. Sometimes we just need that reminder that He is still in control instead of someone trying to "fix" our situation. 

4) But there's so much you should be doing with your single years!
Fact. There is. However, with all due respect, how do you know I'm not throwing myself into as much ministry and activity as my schedule and finances allow?
-Why should you not say this?
Because it can be a punch to the gut. Contentment is already a struggle. Especially when a girl wants a relationship and doesn't have one, and she is making the best of where she is, telling her there's "more" she could be doing makes us feel inadequate, like we aren't doing enough. We are seeking joy the best way we know how, trying to use our gifts and talents to the Lord.
-A better thing to say...
Encouraging us in what we are doing is actually really great to hear. For example, I teach ESL and I become encouraged to keep on in that whenever someone else either becomes excited for what I'm doing or simple offers some encouragement in that.

5) Have you tried eHarmony/Christian Mingle/online dating?
Nope.nope.nope.nope.nope. No offense, just don't even go here. 
-Why should you not say this?

source

Because- straight up flesh talking here: its none of your business. A lot of single people feel that online dating is a last resort. If we are using an online dating program, we more than likely don't want to share all those details. And if we aren't, telling us we should makes us feel like "well you're obviously not going to meet anyone else."
-A better thing to say...
IF you need to say something here, something like, "God has some mysterious and crazy ways of working!" will do just fine. Anything more can be overkill and hurtful. 

6) You should put yourself out there more!
Some of us are not comfortable "putting ourselves out there" any more than absolutely necessary.
-Why should you not say this?
Because sometimes it is out of conviction that we aren't putting ourselves out there; sometimes its our personality; and sometimes we've just been so burned by the situations we got into when we "put ourselves out there", we aren't really interested in going about it that way again.
-A better thing to say...
This maybe one of those times, where there is no better thing to say.

7) You'll find a great guy some day! 
I hope so.
-Why should you not say this? 
Although this sounds like a good thing to say, and it might be the necessary comfort at that moment, it is a promise you cannot keep. I believe marriage is God's purpose for His people, but not His plan for everyone of us. The hard reality that some of us might not get married is true. False hope only puts off accepting the truth.
-A better thing to say...
"God has great plans for you!" And then leave it at that.  

Do I really love?

Its a simple question. But it takes a lot of thought to answer.

Do I really love?

The only way to answer this question is to first define love. For me the very definition of love is Christ. But how does that really look? And to answer that, I hit 1 Corinthians. (Thanks to my sister for the inspiration of this.)

I've read the Bible for as long as I can remember. But my sister suggested questioning myself through the passage.


Try it with me.

"Love is patient and kind; Am I always patient? What about kind? 

love does not envy or boast; Do I envy when they succeed, or boast when I do?
it is not arrogant  or rude. Am I rude and arrogant to them?
It does not insist on its own way; Do I want my way only?
it is not irritable or resentful; Am I irritable and resentful to them?
it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Do I rejoice with their truth, or smirk at their wrongs?
Love bears all things, Do I joyfully deal with their "things"?
believes all things, Do I believe them when they tell me things?
hopes all things, Do I hope for their better?
endures all things." Do I give up on them, or do I keep on loving?
(1 Corinthians 13:4-7)

How did you do? To be honest, I didn't like my answers. At first I thought, "Aha! Here's one I don't mind answering: love does not delight in wrongdoings" And then I put some thought to it. Maybe rejoicing in wrongdoings, is the same as revealing them. Maybe it doesn't matter how someone treated me, or did something. Maybe I should just keep it to myself. Venting doesn't always have to include names and details. 

I am learning so much. But love might just be the biggest thing. Love...love isn't a feeling. Its an action, based on faith. And in time, that "feeling" will come. Love is not always returned, not always convenient, and not always easy. But without love, the world would be the most hopeless thing. Ever. Love saved us. Love died for us. How much do we love? I know I don't love that much. 

Here's to learning ever more as we live, learn, and grow! 



 
 "So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love." 1 Corinthians 13:13