Confessions from a chubby girl

Confession: this post is already mega hard. I hate to be this kind of vulnerable.

Confession: I'm about 60 pounds heavier than I should be for my gender, height and age. 21 years old. 60 is a big number. It feels too big. It's devastating because I don't even have pregnancy or illness to blame for the extra weight. It's just there. 


Confession: it's not actually the mirror that I hate so much. In fact, sometimes, I like what I see in the mirror. Sure I'd love to lose the belly, but the mirror isn't my worst enemy; its pictures. It's caught off guard, it's not being able to pose the most effectively, it's being caught in an outfit I detest how I look in. It's getting tagged in one of ~those~ pictures. I don't hate what I see in the mirror, I hate what I see in the pictures. 


Confession: I pray to get the weight off. I've watched my eating closely, and then nothing changes, or I just pack more weight on, and I feel frustrated and discouraged. So I stop being so careful. But all the while I'm pleading with Jesus to help me get it off. My weight is just steadily climbing, and I'm looking to Him for help because this isn't healthy, I know that. It's not like I'm stuffing bonbons and Twinkies in every day, I just can't shake the weight. No matter what I've tried. 


Confession: I feel like I look like I don't care about my body because of how massive I am. I do. And I'm trying to take care of it, but I don't have time to dedicate to a regular exercise routine and that frustrates me to no end. So I try to be more active during my days, but I know that's not doing much. 


Confession: sometimes I get out of breath doing the simplest. And I feel like a land yacht when I do. I'm 21! I should be at my healthiest right now. 


Confession: sometimes I feel like the only reason I've never had a relationship is because of my weight. Because no guy can see past the chubby to get to know me. Because I don't have a good body, I'm not worth their time. 


Confession: I've cried off and on writing this post. The humiliation. The shame. The embarrassment. It's so much. But people see pictures of me, and no. I'm not ignorant. I see it. I know it. My jeans tell me every time I put them on. The scale yells at me every time I dare to step foot on. I know I'm not losing the weight like I hoped. I know I'm not losing the weight at all. 


Confession: I'm not giving up. I hate this weight. I hate it enough to keep trying. To keep eating good for me foods, to keep walking the long way just to get in extra steps. I'm going to keep practicing portion control and drinking lots of water. I'm not going to stop trying my very best to be the healthiest me I can be. 


Confession: I dread the struggle, but I can't wait to relish in the ending. When the weight is gone and I'm healthy again. I can't wait to be beautiful inside and out. I can't wait to not hate pictures of me. I can't wait to be able to share clothes with my friends or order off of Jane because I can actually fit them. I can't wait to be able to buy the cheaper junior jeans because I can wear them without looking hoochie. I can't wait to love bathing suits again. I can't wait to want to hangout at the pool with people because I won't be hiding behind my towel any more. I'm ready to be the very best me I can be. 


Confession: I know Jesus isn't a genie who takes away the thorns at the first request. But I also know I can't do this without leaning into Him. This is the body He gave me. And I'm going to take care of it. And I'm going to do it with His help. 

a choice I'm making now

So as some of my readers may know, I recently turned 20. (I didn't  cry...but almost.) And even thought that is not legal drinking age, I think it's important to decide how you feel about an issue like that before you have to make a split second choice. In those moments, our judgement tends to be clouded. So I've decided to write up some of my thoughts and share them! :)

 I've seen more than one secular produced film, where a character declines a drink simply because "I don't drink" and people accept that answer.

It seems to me that a few years ago, there was judging over drinks, but man you were looked down on if you drank. You were a slob, less of a Christian, and definitely not esteemed in a Christian community.

To this day, there are still Christians judging Christians over drinking, but it seems to be going the opposite way. "Oh, you don't drink" As if I am less of a person for choosing not to. Why is it acceptable in secular media for a person to say "I don't drink" and not in a Christian setting? (Quite simply because we as Christians find the need to be so harsh on one another; but that is an entirely separate post.)

I'll share something with you: what I believe.

The Bible...it contains people drinking alcohol. Yes. Fermented, alcohol. Yes, God's mighty people. And yes, God's own Son produced more wine (alcoholic wine) at a wedding feast. I could get on a high horse about how that was just a "time in history" and a "necessity of the times" But I'm not going to, because that isn't why I won't drink.

So why no drinking for me?

1. Although not every encounter with alcohol is a negative one, I have never seen a positive one. 
2. I can find no reason why any other drink won't do; to me it seems foolish with my money, and I just don't need it. I don't need alcohol to enhance a social setting; I can have just as much fun without it.
3. In relation with number one, I have seen first hand how alcohol can rip a family to shreds, and I want no part in it. 
4. I have never seen drinking bring anyone closer to the Father, improve their Christian witness, or make them a better person. 

And therefore, I choose now, before I am of legal drinking age, not to drink. I don't see how it will improve the quality of my life, walk with Christ, or bring me or someone else closer to the Father. And all I ask is that you respect that decision instead of looking down your nose at me. I'm not ignorant because I choose not to, I have made an educated decision not to.

So why is drinking such a big deal? Honestly, I just don't know. But it is. And because it is, its our duty as Christians to decide ahead of time where we stand on it, before we find ourselves in a situation where we make a rash decision. I do not believe that drinking is not a sin, but it is a stumbling block.

We have been doing a character study in the mornings, and one of the character qualities we have been studying is "tolerance", but maybe not the tolerance you're thinking of. The definition we are working with is "realizing that myself and others are at varying levels of character development." This means, that if I go to a party with Christians, and someone is drinking, I cannot judge them, because where God has them is different than where He has me. And in the same vain, I'm not where they are, so I cannot make the choices they are. Every Christian walk is at a different spot. And there are sin issues, and there are conviction issues. This is grey in the Bible, therefore I believe that it falls to conviction.

So now I wanna know, how or why did you decide to or not to drink? Did your family have any influence or was it experience? Share your thoughts! 

Beauty Hacks-take two

I have about 15 posts with substance in the making, however they are just not coming together how I want them to go.

So in the mean time, here's some more of my favorite/original BEAUTY HACKS. (Part one here)

SKIN CARE:

1) I have told y'all before that I have very oily skin. HOWEVER. I have read a TON about over-drying your face; and all the information in its most basic form is: when you dry out your face(over wash), your pores over compensate for the stripped oils, and leave your skin even oilier. (Same general idea goes for your hair as well, I'll write about this later on.)

ANYWAYS. Someone in my family bought this lotion, decided they didn't like it. So I took it. On the back it notes "won't clog pores" and I took a little risk and put it aaaaallll over my face. Forehead to chin, earlobe to earlobe. The next morning I rolled over and skeptically looked in my little mirror. To my surprise, not only was there indeed no new spots on my face, but my normally angry looking skin was quite clear. So now it's been several weeks of applying this to my face right before I go to sleep, and my skin has cleared up SO MUCH. Old scars are gone. My skin isn't splotchy, or red and angry looking; and no new spots have appeared. My skin is yes still oily, but slightly less than normal. And it's super clear. More than it has been in YEARS.

2) However sometimes, ya do get those spots that nothing seems to help and no, there is no miracle cream or paste or concoction. But this little green stuff helps a lot. I used to apply it all over my face before I started doing the lotion; the lotion works better. However for little tough spots, this stuff is good. (If you chose to use it all over, you'll look like Shrek, but it fades by morning.) Its better in small portions like concentrated spots instead of all over. It dries out new spots and this also helped clear up some old scars.



GENERAL:

~I've talked about my goats milk soap before. But I can't speak highly enough of it. I am out and in desperate need of more!  This stuff kept my skin clear and healthy looking, and helped with some general body odor. I HAVE MISSED THIS STUFF. I'll post a link here where you can get some for $5 a bar. Its incredible.

I actually have nothing else. Just theses.

More to come as I discover them! :)

Training

While most other 18 or so year olds are in school, gaining all that book knowledge, I too am working like a mad woman on my "studies". I don't have midterms, or fall breaks, but I do have to work hard at it. It's somewhat rewarding at the end of the day to feel tired, and know things got done. And it's been fun developing and falling into a routine. I was thinking today as I was bustling around about that idea; study and work. I feel like I'm in an incredible opportunity. My mom works two days a week, and is still a homeschool momma, my other sister nannys and is very active in helping take care of things with J and medical stuff, and homeschools someone else right now. By default (and I happen to believe, by God's great design) it means I get to play mommy! (Because in addition to housework, I get to nanny a beautiful little girl three days a week). I get to clean, cook, do laundry, dishes, and tidy up. These are things that are often viewed as monotonous chores, and on some given days, I too feel that they carry some sense of drudgery. However for the most part, I do enjoy working around the house. And when I finish my work, I enjoy writing (sometimes on the blog:)) or creating something in the kitchen. I am enjoying finding His joy on the journey and seeing where He has me. Some days, I wish it was different, but other days, I wouldn't change one thing about how life is going.

In addition to being a home-maker in the making, I'm deeply involved in fundraising for J. My friend and I had our first event on Saturday (pictures and post to come!) and we were so blessed at the response! Both from our church family, and the community around us that came out to either serve or support. Although the day of the event presented its troubling pressures, we worked through them, and the dinner itself turned out wonderful! By the end of it, we looked at each other, at the success God gave to our cause, and said "we can do this again!" (honestly, God totally blessed this thing! Can't wait to share all about it!) The night before the event, M and I looked at each other and we agreed on this point: we felt very good. We felt like we weren't just living for us anymore, we had something bigger we were doing that was beyond just us and our circle. Its incredible to me how when you're no longer looking to receive, giving is so much more rewarding.

I'm learning so much, and loving every second of it! :) Keep praying for my learning heart!

Beauty Hacks

Over the past several months, I've gotten creative, hacking and squeezing my way out of expensive products by coming up with ways to do so. Some of these I found on Pinterest, but most of them are (as far as I am aware..) 100% original ideas! :)

Makeup Hacks:

1) Mascara stretching:

This hack will not be across the board, in-home for everybody. But I wear contacts on occasion, and so I have contact solution on hand. But if you don't typically have it, this one might not be helpful for you. (This is a Pinterest hack)

I did this before my mascara started getting too terribly low, and found that it helped it not dry out at all. But if you do have dry mascara, adding just two drops of contact solution loosens it right now.  My mascara would have run out months ago, but it's still perfectly liquidy and doesn't make my eyes burn at all. My mascara has lasted more than twice as long as it normally would, and when it starts to get dry or sticky, I just add a drop or two, and it continues to work perfectly.

2) Flawless foundation:

I have two different foundation/cover all makeups that I alternate with. One of them is a foaming foundation. I really like this one because it is very light, and doesn't make my face feel caked. The other I use is BB cream. (The one I have right now is by Rimmel and I am not a huge fan..I loved the one from L'Oreal). I became really interested in makeup artistry and watched copious amounts of tutorials on youtube for weeks. Although I do not do makeup art on my face, some of the techniques were applicable to how I applied my makeup, so I began experimenting: applying with a brush. This worked soooo much better with the foam. I just dabbed the brush into the foam, and "painted it" onto my face. The look made my skin look flawless, and I was not getting any of the oils from my fingers onto my face. I then bang the brush out, and go over it with a powder and set it. When it's blended well, it looks good and flawless. I love how my skin looks when I do this way. Since all I have is the Rimmel BB cream, I don't know how this would work with other creams. The Rimmel cream is thick and heavy. It feels and smells like sunscreen (and actually has a higher SPF protection than the other BB creams I've looked at.) I've found that if I just put about a dime sized amount in my palm, and just a few drops of water, it thins it up really well and I can apply it very much the same way I apply the foam. (still like the foam better though.) This makes it feel not as heavy on my face, and has a very similar effect on my face.

3) Makeup remover:

I HATE TAKING MAKEUP OFF. It is one of the biggest drag of womanhood in my mind. Not to be all T.M.I. but I bought some feminine wipes for a missions trip I went on in June, and had a lot left over. YEP. They work perfectly for taking makeup off! Eye makeup too! One wipe does my whole face, and my face doesn't break out after using them. They're gentle and smell nice. I get Walmart brand, which is cheapcheap, and they have 48 wipes to a package. For someone who hardly wears makeup above twice a week, these last for quite a while!

Random Hacks:

I currently only have one for this category, but perhaps in the future I can add to it! :)

Homemade odor-eaters:

I try to take good care of my shoes, so that I feel comfortable taking them off around people, but somehow, that still doesn't happen so well. So I began trying different things I had heard over the years and found fault with all of them. Mom suggested cornstarch, and every time I took a step, I sounded like I was stepping on a duck. I had seen baby powder used for like everything, and tried this as well. But the odor wasn't cut completely, and when I took my shoes off, both of these solutions let me leave a white foot print trail everywhere I went. I also heard that baking soda was a deodorizer, but I found that on it's own it irritated my skin, and was very rough.

I also tried Lysol, dryer sheets, washing them, airing them out. NOTHING seemed to keep the stink out. And as I have found, nothing is worthy of promoting as totally able to work. But I have concocted my own process that seems to be working fairly well. It works best overnight, so do it ahead of time!

Spray the selected shoes with Lysol (the kind in the aerosol can). Get them a little damp, but not soaking. Mix a handful of baby powder and a handful of baking soda. Rub it around on the inside of the shoes; the bottom, top, and sides. If you get your shoes too damp, this becomes like a paste. But don't worry about it, it's ok, just rub it around until most of the inside is well covered. Let the shoes sit overnight. In the morning, they'll be white inside. Bang them out over a trashcan. The white paste is all dried up, and just comes out when the shoes are hit. I've found that I can wear my shoes several times with no stinky issues before needing to do this again.

Hope something was found helpful! :)

Goat's milk soap?

My mom has some friends raising money by making and selling goat's milk soap. To support them, mom bought a bar for herself, AH and myself.

Now, I've been around goats before, and honestly; they smell horrid. And I keep trying to eat goat's milk cheese, but psychologically in my quirky, mind, it tastes like goats smell. Which is...well gross. So I can't eat it, great. But we get it, (I got to pick my scent) and I thought it was going to be like...well not smell like goats milk. I decided to give it a try anyways, and discovered that the stinky scent doesn't linger on my skin. Which was great, because I began to notice some improvements right away. The morning after I showered, my skin was clearer (on my face) and smoother. (This is coming from someone who has literally tried EVERYTHING.) Although I'm still looking for that magic (and preferably affordable) cream that makes all black heads disappear and all zits non-existent, I was very pleased with how my skin looked with the goat's milk soap. So I continued to use my stinky wonder  bar, and noticed yet another improvement. Not to be all TMI here, but I've also tried some specialty deodorants, because nothing seems to work. Hot or cold, I seem to produce excess amounts of sweat and I really would rather that stop. After bathing with the goat's milk for a few weeks, I noticed that that changed a little bit. I was no longer sweating in my under arms, and have not been using any specialty deodorants because they weren't working. My regular deo seemed to be enough and then for a few weeks, I stopped using the GMS (its too long to keep typing out!) my skin got all splotchy and broke out again, and my under arms were again over productive.

So I conclude from my little personal experiment that GMS is very beneficial! May be worth a try?

The Idol of the American Church

The Body of Christ is a growing body; it's not mature yet. And as part of it, I feel like different "idols" pop up. I really feel like that's something that happens, that the body struggles with. I also feel that often people don't label them as "idols". But the fact is, we rarely have golden statues anymore, and idolatry is still an issue. So why aren't we labeling those idols and casting them out? I say "we" because I am not going to cast total blame on anybody else. I am at fault too. At different times, I've struggled with idolatry.

So lets talk about the taboo.

Idolatry:

Merriam Webster online says:

 : immoderate attachment or devotion to something :

The encyclopedia at http://www.britannica.com/ says:

 : idolatry, in Judaism and Christianity, the worship of someone or something other than God as though it were God. The first of the biblical Ten Commandments prohibits idolatry: “You shall have no other gods before me.”...Several forms of idolatry have been distinguished. Gross, or overt, idolatry consists of explicit acts of reverence addressed to a person or an object—the sun, the king, an animal, a statue. This may exist alongside the acknowledgment of a supreme being; e.g., Israel worshiped the golden calf at the foot of Mount Sinai, where it had encamped to receive the Law and the covenant of the one true God.
A person becomes guilty of a more subtle idolatry, however, when, although overt acts of adoration are avoided, he attaches to a creature the confidence, loyalty, and devotion that properly belong only to the Creator. Thus, the nation is a good creature of God, but it is to be loved and served with an affection appropriate to it, not with the ultimate devotion that must be reserved for the Lord of all nations. Even true doctrine (e.g., true doctrine about idolatry) may become an idol if it fails to point beyond itself to God alone. :

 Idolatry is something everybody deals with, and nobody talks about. Why? As one of the biggest issues (in my opinion) it needs to be discussed and dealt with. It's everybody's green monster in the closet. That nasty thing needs to be exposed to the discomfort and flee.
 
This post is borne out of an observation I made to my sister and my best friend today at lunch. While all three of us were on facebook (Welcome to modern America!) I noticed that my newsfeed had a number of "health" posts. In addition to that, a fair amount of modern American media is all about
"GET FIT! Try out diet. Use this machine. Join this gym. Take these pills". It's no longer just a hobby, or about getting fit. It's not even just a "getting healthy" thing. It's an idol. There are a lot of people, and Christians, that have idolized exercise and diet. I feel comfortable with posting this, because it became an idol for me. I was obsessed with my eating habits. Always worrying about what I was eating or drinking, and always noting to others how bad something was that I was eating. And how much exercise it would take to get it off. I became irritating with it. I was no longer being healthy, I was being ridiculous. It was around that time that my ridiculous obsession was slapped in my face as an idol. I had fallen prey to a dangerous sin; both spiritually and physically. My crazy ideas of "health" were no longer wise, but foolish, and I was confronted with several things. One being, my constant desire to change, was leading to a mindset of subconsciously telling God: "What you made isn't good enough for me." I was discontent with my physical appearance, and that led me to a distaste to my personality about my appearance. All-in-all I began hating myself. My body wasn't changing fast enough, and my negative spirit about it was making me an unbearable soul to be around. God not-so-casually slipped a verse past my eyes, and I would like to share it with you:

1 Timothy 4:8:

 ^"For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come."

Yes, we should take total care of our bodies. We should be healthy, and wise. We should carefully consider what we put on and in our bodies. We should watch out for our hygiene. Being sure we're clean and ready for what God may have us do on any given day. But this unhealthy obsession in the church is dangerous. Post after post on facebook, news sights, commercials, even subtle hints in movies and TV shows suggesting "health" changes. 

It's become a dangerous downward spiral. A constant need for and dependance on exercise and diet foods. A constant reminder of the fats, calories or any other unhealthy properties that may be found in any given food or drink.

Christ's bride has fallen dangerously prey to a habit that we have a warning about. 

If it's all I read about on a person's page, or all that others read about on mine. If it's all I pin on pinterest, or talk about among friends. It is what I promote to everybody else, it's my idol. It's my god. And I'm calling my bluff. It's wrong. 

Perhaps we as a church can begin encouraging one another in different ways. Maybe the women at your church can begin a prayer-walking group. Or once a week go for a jog with some friends. I just think it might be better if we took down this idol, and left the clay with the clay. 

~Mal