Excuse me, your ugly is showing: 2018 in review

as the year winds down, and a new one is cresting, my mind is racing, trying to weed through all the lessons i've learned this past year, while also trying to excite myself for all those that lay ahead.

this year brought a lot of firsts for me. for the very first time, i had a job wholly independent from my family. the adjustments it brought were completely unexpected. the things i have learned have been tattooed onto my mind, shaping me into someone almost wholly unrecognizable from who i was last year this time. independence, respect, work ethic, customer service, new skills, sharpening ones i already had...when i look back i feel like all i've done is grown. in just about every area. 

there were aspects of my character, i didn't realize people in my life just...put up with, until i was working with someone who wasn't going to. and it was in these ways that i grew that were most painful. i took it personally when i felt aspects of my personality were under attack, when what was being refined was my character. i could speak of the tact used, but what matters is that i was refined. and whether i liked method or not, i was made a better person. and i have some painful moments to be reminded of that by. 

just when i think i've been stretched and grown and refined enough, a new mirror is held in front of my ever learning but ugly character, and a new opportunity to grow is shoved down my throat, and placed into my tightly clenched fists. 

i have quoted many times my pop, who wisely says "people are messy" and this year i learned just how messy they can be. and as i learned how messy loving people is and how messy being a person is, i learned that when people are with people, the ugly comes out. let me tell y'all, 

the ugly. 

showed. 

up. 

i saw ugly in myself and others that i never even fathomed could be there. as my work situation has shifted, i went from working with one guy, to five women and boy was that a change. the honeymoon phase has ended, and the ugly is leaking out now as we all find our bearings with each other. i though we were in better shape than this, but we're learning new ways to deal with people as we learn to deal well with one another. new people: new things to learn about myself. 

amidst all the ugly i would say this: the ugly shows up, but 

always. 

choose. 

to learn. 

there are lessons in every small trial we face. there are always opportunities for our character to be refined. i didn't always view the ugly (mine or others) as opportunity to grow and change. i didn't always learn from every situation that left me feeling inadequate, or unsatisfied. but when i did, i was better for it. among all the ugly, learn, grow, repeat, there was one other thing, always available for the taking or the giving: grace. 

so.

much. 

grace.

at every short coming, at every failed attempt, or lack of attempt, at every new situation, or not-my-greatest-moments, in every moment of weakness, at the ugly of myself and those around me, there was grace on grace on grace for everyone involved. i wish i always remembered that, when moments felt beyond repair, that there was grace, but i remember it now. 

so go into 2019, ready to face the ugly, ready to learn, and ready to extend grace, to you, and those around you. happy new year, friends. 

Do Not Let Your Heart Be Jonah

I'm standing at my mom's kitchen island feeling somewhat sporty, productive and Pinteresty. This morning I donned my favorite leggings, running shoes and a messy bun. I've got Jason Castro gently singing and some shortbread bars are baking in the oven, preparing for the second step. Life is alright. It's not what I want exactly, but it's alright. 

This morning, we sat down to read an expert from Andrea Lucado in a She Reads Truth study, and she wrote about Jonah and Nineveh. I've always viewed it as a story of great redemption, and it is. Mostly for me because, I have never been able to recall what happened to Jonah because I've always sort of...ignored it. I don't like that the great redemption doesn't seem to include his own. We in fact have every reason to believe that Jonah just kinda disappeared and died. He was angry at God and said as much (Jonah 4:9)

 But what do we do with that? What do we do when we experience the same emotion of "that's not fair"?

That moment, is where you find my heart this morning. Pondering the question "what do you do with the hurt and anger you feel when someone seemingly blatantly undeserving of redemption...gets redemption?" We have evidence that Jonah never did rejoice in their repentance and redemption. Andrea also brings up the prodigal son, and his faithful brother. He was angry. 

I confess I have found myself in that place more the past few years than I ever thought I would be. I confessed to my sisters this morning, and I confess to you now, I've tried to be the son that stays. I haven't always done a stand up job, but I have never left, nor have I ever wanted to. I have tried to live my life in a way that honors my Father, and yet there are people in my life who did not, and are now redeemed and leading the lives of wives and mommies: the life I have always prayed for. And more than once the last few years the thought "it's not fair" has screamed through my mind. What do you do, when you were the one who stayed, and you watch as your Nineveh confesses and repents and lives in the glories redemptive grace of God? 

You rejoice. 

You stop looking at your own merit, your own life, dreams, desires, hopes, purity, whatever, and you just rejoice. You follow the example set by the father of the prodigal, and you rejoice. 

If my desires ever come in the way of my truly rejoicing for a sister in Christ, then I have every reason to believe that they have become an idol. And when a sister experiences redemption,  my option is to rejoice. To find the joy, and to celebrate that with her. 

I haven't done a great job of this the last few years, but I am purposing to do so now. I rejoice in redemption, I rejoice in others joy, even if there hasn't been redemption. I rejoice at your joy, and I am celebrating with those who celebrate. 

It is so much easier to wallow and keep my eyes on me and all that I want and do not have, but I miss so many opportunities to rejoice when I do. No more. Joy from here on out! Let's rejoice sisters! 

Loving Different Abilities

It was Thanksgiving night, and eight year old me was sorely uncomfortable, standing in the basement of someone's house that I didn't know very well. We were visiting old friends of mom and dad, and I was dragged along, because where else was the eight year old supposed to go? My older sisters were all socializing with the other kids, friends of theirs as well. And since drama has been a strong trait my whole life, I began feeling very sorry for myself. Where I was probably being a brat, and pouting about being in a stranger's home, for whatever reason he took pity on me. The family's youngest son, almost five years my senior, was one of the kids who had a bad reaction to a vaccination shot, and it left him severely mentally handicapped. He has a gift of tenderness, and is forever hugging people from whom he gets a sad feeling. So there I was, pouting and carrying on, and he comes over, big as a teenager but awkward and fumbling, and hugs me. He stood there hugging me, until he felt like I was ready to be let go. What was probably only five or so minutes felt like an eternity, being hugged not just by someone I didn't know, but by someone who was distinctly different from myself. The memory is burned into my mind, etched forever into my memory- the smells, the movements. I can clearly see over his shoulder, watching his older sister decorate their Christmas tree. I can see the table of food to our left. There is hardly a detail from that moment that I don't remember. I will be eternally grateful for him, because even at so young an age, he was a tool used by the Father to instill in me a love for those with different abilities.
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Fast forward 8 years, I'm now a sixteen year old, sitting on a plane headed for Purdy, Missouri. (In fact, it was on this day six years ago I got home!) The destination was a camp that tells kids who are typically told "you can't", "here, you can". The whole of the camp is designed to be wheelchair accessible, with the needed equipment at every normal camp activity to make it possible for kids to participate. Each camper is paired with a camp volunteer, and they are cared for almost exclusively by their volunteer. My camper got to ride a horse, canoe, swim, do archery. She had the whole "camp" experience for an entire week, even though she was non-verbal, legally blind, bound to a wheelchair, and essentially only about 6 months old mentally.
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Yesterday I went to a beloved local park with the youth from my church. Roughly twenty or so 6-12 graders meandered through the park, enjoying the wildlife and gardens and probably being generally too loud. One 6th grader, however, tugged at my heart. He carried a little stuffed animal, which I found odd for his age. But as the day wore on, it became increasingly evident there was perhaps autism or other special abilities at play in his personality. I found myself drawn to asking him questions and trying to be his friend as he was fairly overlooked by the other students. I wanted him to feel loved, safe, and welcome. His imagination was beautifully vivid as he described in detail how his stuffed pig and he would fight giant shrimp with lasers. (yes, shrimp)
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I'm not a parent of children with different abilities, but I truly believe the Lord has given me a heart for kids who are different from others. My heart aches to love the kids who require someone to show interest in their unique day dreams, or will feed them through a G-tube, or will let them hug you for five minutes straight, because it's how they can express themselves. I will forever be thankful for the day when the Father began opening a tender spot in my heart, standing in the basement of that house that Thanksgiving night. I don't know how He will use it, but I have no doubt there is something more to be done with this love.

How have you seen the Father instill a love into your heart, and then see it come to fruition? Search your heart, its there ;-)

Xo,
M

Hey Christians, we're doing it wrong

**DISCLAIMER** This post is not in about tearing others to shreds. But these are things I have on a regular basis seen first hand. It has caused me to change the way that I tip when I eat out, and they way I listen when a friend or customer is talking to me. I simply wanted to call it back to the attention of others, that we have some work to do.
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MercyMe droned on in the background as the sweet, modestly dressed young woman slid two $1 bills towards me for her $1.90 coffee. She shifted awkwardly, waiting for me to finish my side of the transaction, and rotated her leather bound Bible so I could clearly see that it was in fact, a Bible. I gave her her $0.10, and she hurried it into her pocket and then over to the corner with her nose in her Bible, coffee cooling on the table. Nothing about this interaction particularly bothered me at the moment, I'm used to people feeling awkward and/or not tipping. It kind of just rolled off my back until a second customer followed soon after who I know for a fact is a professing believer. This time it was a $3.something coffee and a $5 bill. Again they left, again no tip. At this point it bothered me.
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A week ago, the shop experienced inexplicable generosity and "loving on" by a local restaurant we've connected with when they allowed us to use their deep freeze when ours crashed (which in case you didn't know, that's bad for an ice cream shop) They then supplied dinner to my family who had worked tirelessly that day to clean up the melted ice cream from the freezer and then transfer the salvageable ice cream to their freezer. We're still in awe that they so willingly allowed us access to their freezer, and gave so much of their time.
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I have a customer-turned-friend who is forever offering to pick up lunch for me, just because she knows that she gets out more than I do, and I might enjoy something. Although I haven't taken her up on it yet, she heard me say I couldn't afford a new restaurant I wanted to try, so she popped a $20 in my hand, specifically for this place whenever I get the chance to go. She's heard more than one meltdown rant, shared some shady side eye over really irritation customers, been a comic relief, and we've definitely filled a need in each other for companionship in the shopping strip.
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I'm going to guess that someone who preaches karma isn't in an particularly active relationship with Jesus. But if I'm wrong, I apologize. However, the mom sporting her coexist tshirt insisted that her daughter give their change to me as a pay-it-forward to the next customer. It was humbling as the one behind the counter, and humbling for the little girl, and humbling for the young lady that was receiver of the gift.
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I've had a lady pay for a $4.74 purchase with a $10 and say keep the change, and a man pay for the same priced drink with a  $20 and again say keep the change, because he just wants to see us succeed.
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This is not about the money- the money just happens to be the example. If you look deeper into each example I gave, you'll see that these people have given me so much more than just their money. Some gave time, an encouraging word, or the gift of their friendship.

Why are we as believers so stingy and busy? Why do I see more Jesus style coming from people who do not actively walk with him? Why are believers pocketing their time and money, and keeping their heads down? In case you didn't realize, we're the ones who are supposed to be doing this sort of thing. We shouldn't eat somewhere if we can't afford to tip there- it's not about the money, but believe me, a generous tip is humbling. And your monetary gift my put enough gas in her car for her to get home tonight. If you're too busy, stop it. No one has to be so absolutely busy that they can't just be there for people. We say "oh call any time you need anything" but I'll wager that most of us don't mean it if we think through the implications of what its going to take to actually be there for someone. What if it means using a personal day on someone else? Or getting up at 3am to take someone to the ER, or even just giving up your afternoon to go to that appointment with them.
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Jesus had incredible moments of grand gesture love, when what he did was loud, observable, and applauded. But He also loved quietly, practically, and generously. He ate meals with those who's class or reputation was far beneath Him. He talked to and hung out with the outcasts, dirty ones, and lowlifes. When did tangible love become beneath us? When did we stop loving from the overflow of love in our hearts?

We have been so hugely loved, it only seems logical that we would love right back.

To the believers who have "pocketed their change", I love you. And I genuinely hope that you were and are able to bless someone else with your time, because that's what we ought to be doing! I don't have to be nor do I expect to be the receiver of your blessings, but make sure someone is. Let the love Christ has for you burst out of every pore in your being, and love on others. Love freely, love until it hurts. Love until you feel the drain of energy that it takes to truly love someone else. Love completely, love unhindered. I don't care how you do it, just make sure you do. Love, love, love.

The journey ahead: all that is new

So since I don't like the "media bombs" people sometimes drop, I thought I would give the world a proper update on me.

Well first things first, lets go back to January. Yikes, I know, January. And not just January, early January. I went to Atlanta with some friends for the Passion conference. It was an incredible weekend, and when I came home my parents informed me that the company my dad worked for was going under. Since my dad found out he began actively working towards a new job. Nothing was panning out the way we thought it should.

The story is full of lots of God ordained, beautiful details. The way that all the pieces fell into place was a work only He could have accomplished. Maybe someday I will get my parents to do a guest post so you can give God the glory He so deserves in all He did for them.

So all of that to say, long story short, after some conversations and a whole lot of prayer, my parents moved forward, and they are opening a gelato and espresso shop.

YIKES. Yay! What? Seriously?!

YES. To all of the above.

My parents are taking a terrifying leap of faith right into the arms of God. I'm proud of them. The timeline is all His, and we don't know when the shop will open, but it will open when God intends it- because nothing has happened unless He has intended for it to. He knows best in all things, the faith this is instilling is vital.

So where does this leave me? Back to January...

My career as a nanny was literally all over the place. I was working for a school teacher as my main job, and doing some part time childcare for some long time family friends. Their situation, however, was changing and they were needing something more consistent. I love the kids, love the parents, love the grandparents- it made sense. So I jumped in with two feet, and by February I had three kids under the age of three; all in (cloth) diapers. Three different schedules, two different families. It was me and three little people that needed me to remember that this one couldn't eat this and that this one has to go down at this time. I had to have this kids on a rigid schedule or something important would be forgotten. (like naps. more than once...) Their diaper changes were scheduled for Pete's sake. To say I was overwhelmed is to put it lightly. I was frazzled, burnt out, stressed out and exhausted. I had Irish triplets and no idea what to do with these three precious babies.

By April I was a literal mess. The Bible study I was "leading" was not getting my best. In fact they were just sort of getting my leftovers. I didn't like to say I was leading, I said I was "facilitating" because leading was too much responsibility. I guess I thought that if I called it something else and didn't put the work in, it would be ok. But it wasn't. By the middle of spring, the study had all but fallen apart. My help around the house was all but nonexistent, and my social life was certainly no better.

It all started adding up, the best way I knew to give something of quality to these other areas of my life was to take the energy from somewhere else. But as I have learned, when you spread yourself too thing, you run out of "you" to spread. When I finally realized that I was no longer giving my best to the babies, that they didn't have my full energy, creativity, and enjoyment, I knew something had to change. I loved them, but in order to survive, I had to have way to much of a schedule. Not that schedules are bad!!! I was just so locked into it, that none of us were enjoying it- me or the babies. So I gulped down the pride, and gave the family my notice. Can we please just get real for a second? This was one of the hardest things I have ever done. Those kids, those precious babies, meant and mean so much to me. My sassy girl and my capuchin monkey man. My kiddos. I loved them. I do love them. Letting them go, however, was the most loving thing I could do for them. They needed to be in their home, on a freer schedule, with someone who had the energy to dedicate to helping grow their creativity and curiosity. They needed something I could not be at this point in my life. So in May, I said good-bye as their nanny and returned to my place as long time family friend and occasional babysitter.

For like, a split second, life chilled out. It was kind of...smooth sailing. I should have known.

I felt like I was doing better with just the one little guy. My baby baby. I've had the kid since he was 2ish months old. He's going to be two soon. Which, isn't a ton of time, ok, I get it. But that's most of his life. I've walked this kid through hours of sleepless naps, argued over quinoa, and cuddled the teething crankies away. I got to help him learn how to walk, speak, learn his shapes and colors. I've been able to teach him signs, Spanish, counting and how to work a crowd (go on, ask him if he pooped his diaper. It's hilarious.)

Needless to say, I had no intention of quitting. I was going to keep my baby, work for my parents over the summer (working for the school teacher came quite handy at times like summer. And holidays.)  and come fall, when I went back full time for them, my parents' shop would be up and running enough, that me being there part time would be enough.

But remember that whole "God is controlling the timeline" thing? Yeah well, if my plan had panned out, my parents would have been open by now and all of ^that would have been fine. But as it is, they aren't even going to be open in the next four weeks. Since this is a "family owned and operated" and everyone else was not able to walk away from what they were doing in life, it was down to me. I was and am the only daughter that will be able to dedicate the kind of time they need.

If we're being totally honest, I knew I didn't want to nanny forever. I did not, however, anticipate leaving it so soon. And yet here I am: walking away from the only career I have ever known. My older sister is sending her baby to kindergarten this year. I would have loved to see my guy that far and then had a parting at such time. But our end came three years sooner.

I'm going to sound super Greek when I say this, but babies are all I have ever known, really. It is the only job I have ever really had.

So, after some prayer and council from my parents, today I took a giant leap of faith. I quit my job, the only job I have ever truly known, and have agreed to work for my parents (as a barista....so. there's that)

YIKES. Yay! What? Seriously?!

Yes. To all of the above.

If you asked me five years ago where I saw myself in five years, I wouldn't have said as a barista in my parents gelato shop. It's not what I imagined for me. To be honest, I've been pretty scared to dream. As totally downer as this sounds, dreams don't seem to pan out too well for me. So I stopped trying to hope for something, and just take each day, each new challenge as it comes. It reminds me of a quote I read, probably on Pinterest, "Maybe the plans God has for me are better than the plans I had for myself." Really it was when I let go, and stopped trying to rip into every door I saw, that the one I'm pretty sure I am supposed to walk through was placed right in front of me. A big neon sign blinking saying, "This is the One". I'm not just stepping into a new job- I am totally switching gears here. I can't wait to be around new people all day. Meeting them and getting to know them. Learning my regulars and learning their stories. I can't wait to be surrounded by the smell of coffee all day. I can't wait to get to be in such a unique and special place with my parents. Working full time, the three of us. I can't wait to see if this is a "reason or a season" (God will use it in my future, or what He will teach me through it...or both.)

I'm terrified, excited, nervous, sad, ready, and totally unprepared all at once. But one thing I guarantee:

I. Can't. Wait.

Cover my Weakness

Oh my goodness, how I love to sing in Latin! I love the way the words themselves sound like a song. It is such a beautiful language. I love singing, period. I love being able to soar through high notes and hit them with crystal voices as the altos bring that low, mournful sound. I love that the second sopranos carry the melody. I love that when we all sing our parts, correctly and when we're supposed to, that we sound so beautiful. But I sat as our lovely director worked with each part, and listened to them sing. Each part, sounded funny. The notes just didn't sound quite- right. Even when the notes were sung correctly, it didn't sound good. It was only when we all sang together that the harmony and the melody, the high notes and the low notes, the loud voices and the low rumbles, all worked together and made beautiful, haunting, clear music.

How like the body of Christ.

 

We have become such a culture of "I can do it myself" that we don't even realize how stupid we look, trying to function on our own. Trust me, those high notes are a blast to hit, but without the altos and the seconds there to add some other notes, we would get tired, sound funny, and really, I don't think it would be an enjoyable experience to listen to us sing. Our high notes wouldn't be as effective without the other singers to support us, and in turn, they are more effective with us there to support them.

 

Paul talks about the importance of every part of the Body of Christ working together- it is such a simple idea. And yet, we have chose, the church at large, to forfeit it. We "don't want to inconvenience anyone" or "we're fine on our own" or my favorite "someone else will do that"- and so we don't "sing" at all.

 

Oh friends! Why have we stopped meeting the needs of one another? We do we battle through our own weaknesses, trying to subsidize for them, when others are called to cover our weaknesses with their strength?

I worked at a special needs camp one summer. A life changing experience, and a story for another time. The counselors from each cabin would spend each night debriefing, and then a good amount in prayer. It was the weirdest thing: they insisted we hold hands, with our fingers locked. So here sat 10 or so girls who had never met, holding hands in prayer, fingers intertwined like some teenybopper couple. "WHY?" was the internal scream of every worker there. But as we sat, holding hands, before we prayed that first night, the cabin leaders explained exactly why. "We ask you to hold hands like this, to remind you of a very valuable truth: we are meant to cover each other's weaknesses; to carry each others' burdens. When you look at your hands, your knuckles are the strongest part, these remain exposed. But between your knuckles are where your hands are most sensitive and weak. When you hold hands like this in prayer, you are using your strength to cover someone else's weakness."

We are supposed to work together to help cover those weaknesses. Guess what! Everybody has them. No one person is good at everything, and for the body to be effective, we must all be doing our part.

Singing may not be your thing, talent, or favorite pastime, but it was how the Father chose to remind me of this truth.

He recently sat someone in my life, who is organized and good at administration. I immediately recognized her value to me as we planned, because she was strong where I was not. She has a skill, where I have none. I needed her to be the most effective to my community group.

Find the people in your life that you need to need again. Value them. Thank them. Let them be to you, what you should be to them.

 

Let's all really sing together again.

In Jesus Name

 

You may have noticed that I am pretty bad at keeping up with my blog. Honestly, I wish you could live a day in my shoes. I am working three jobs, which includes four kids and some personal assistant/office type work, keeping up a social life, continuing to invest in my church and my family, and really trying so desperately hard to be a real adult...it catches up with me every single day. Usually around 10am. I feel like my life is a constant seesaw between thinking I did alright, and discovering the reality that I didn't do that good of a job. Oh, your family had dinner? How nice. They have no clean clothes for tomorrow, and you were supposed to send that email three days ago. Its a two step forward, three steps back process for me.

 

I feel like I'm the awkward 13 year old all over again. I feel like I just don't know where I fit. I'm 21, not in school, I'm working my butt off, not in a relationship...I'm really not doing any of the things that everyone else my age is doing. I don't know my place in this world. I'm telling you, it feels like middle school part 2. I am trying so hard to come into adulthood, and do so with grace. I'm doing taxes, ordering checks, managing my time and days so I give enough to everything that my time is dedicated to, and most days, if not every day, I am failing.

 

Some days, in fact the majority of them, it feels like my life has spiraled out of my control. And the faster I try to get a hold on it, the more overwhelming it becomes, and the more it slips out of my hands. Its terrifying. Its embarrassing. It makes me look immature, careless, and incapable.

 

But God.

 

The only constant in my life has been Jesus.

 

In my last post, I briefly mentioned that before worshipping, I have been praying my heart into a place of worship. Since coming home, the Father has continued to expand on what I learned to do while there. And while I've been obsessively listening to the album from Passion, (which I highly recommend), my favorite song has played over and over and over in my head. The chorus of Salvation's Tide is as follows:

 

||Let the walls come down in Jesus name/Let the lost be found in Jesus name/Open eyes to see in Jesus name/Let the city sing in Jesus name||

 

The phrase "in Jesus name" is something I grew up hearing plugged onto the end of prayers. And then it hit me. When our hearts are right, songs can be a form of prayer. I think we formalize prayer so much. I keep a prayer journal, and trust me, when my heart needs to be gushed out to the Father, it is perfect for that. But prayer doesn't have to be so limited to pen, paper, and whispers.

 

When my heart is in a place of true worship, singing the phrase "Let ___ in Jesus name" is a prayer.

 

My life has felt beyond my reach for three or more years, but when my heart is right, I can be in constant communication with the One who wrote every detail of my life. When I allow myself to really consider what I am singing, and truly believe it, I am sitting in the presence of a Holy and Perfect God. A Holy, Perfect God, who chose to love me.

 

Just to be clear, I'm not being "name it, claim it." By relishing in His presence, I am choosing a joyful and peaceful place from which to live. My circumstances don't change because I chose God over chaos.

 

My life, is still 100% beyond my power to control. I still feel like I fall short, come up empty, and don't have it all together. I still feel like my life can be a joke to some people. I still feel like I haven't gotten where I am supposed to be. I still feel like 90% of what I want to do with my life is unattainable. But I chose Jesus a long time ago, and now that I am facing a life full of bills, taxes, payments, jobs, and relationships, I still choose Jesus.

Let us love, live, and serve, In Jesus Name.

Stop Saying Jesus is Enough

Maybe its the fact that I was with 40,000 other believers. Maybe its the fact that I haven't done anything like this since high school. Maybe its the fact that I was with a new group of friends. Maybe it's because my faith was needing to drink deep again.

Maybe it was all of these in tandem.

Whatever the reason, or reasons, I was excited. I felt like little kid excited.

As we were sitting in our seats, I looked around at the thousands of people milling around, trying to find theirs. Thousands and thousands together for one purpose: to worship. I decided to do something I don't recall ever doing, so I sat waiting, and prayed my heart into a place of worship. I assure you, it made all the difference in the world. I wasn't just robotically singing along, I was in a place where I could believe what I was singing. I had never experienced worship quite like it. It was beautiful. So bold and bare before our Lord, I poured my whole heart and soul out, and not just "caught up in the moment" type of pour. A pouring of total surrender. I did this before every session, and the worship maintained a "whole heart" atmosphere for me. If you've never done this...do it! I don't know why I waited so long.

The first session starts and Louie Giglio walks out on stage. This is my all time favorite speaker and this was the third time I've heard him live. Remember that excitement I described? It was so still there. He starts speaking, and all of the sudden I'm the only one in the room. He is talking directly to me. There's no one beside me, in front of me, behind me or around me. I'm the only one. And bit by bit, I feel myself breaking down.

This isn't supposed to happen this soon... I'm not even exhausted yet!

I experienced a rush of emotions as pieces of my past flew into my heart and God said "Let's deal with it."

Louie addressed the "broken girl" and I have never felt more vulnerable than that moment, when I sat weeping, my soul gushing out before the Maker, Savior, and Lord. I didn't even care that no one else in my group didn't seem near as effected as I was, I was with my Father and it did not matter. The weight of sins, mine and others that effected me, sat on my lap as I sat listening to the Father's Word come forth this speaker.

"When Jesus came back from hell, he brought the keys for your salvation and the keys for your freedom"

He went on to say that He brought back the keys to set me free from whatever someone did, or didn't do, from whatever hurt, or anger, or fear, or pain, or jealousy, or rage, or sorrow, or malice I felt. Jesus knew what happened, and HE IS BIGGER THAN ALL OF IT.

I knew so much of this, but I realized, I didn't believe any of it.

But in those moments before my Father, I was liberated into His grace and love and freedom. I felt a literal weight lift from my soul. One I did not realize I was carrying.

Over the course of the next few hours and days I had a whole perspective shift, and I never want to forget it.

I was able to sing, and mean every word as a prayer for my heart. It was then we sang a song that had an impact on my heart.

"Nothing and no one comes close to you. Nothing could ever come close." (Simple Pursuit, Melodie Malone)

I didn't believe this. SO many things "come close" to Him where they aught not.

"If you stayed right where you are, I Am everything."
"If everything changed overnight, I Am everything."
"If you lost your job, I Am everything."
"If you never get married, I Am everything."
"If you do get married, I Am everything."
"If you got sick, I Am everything."
"If you lose everyone you love, I Am everything."
"If I called you away, I Am everything."
"If I kept you here, I Am everything."
"If you don't see another day, I Am everything."
"If you walk this world, I Am everything."

Jesus Christ isn't "just enough" HE IS EVERYTHING.

Saying that "Jesus is enough" suddenly felt like I was settling for less. "Enough" suddenly felt like I was saying "well I wanted more, but this will be fine...it's just enough." JESUS CHRIST IS MORE THAN ENOUGH. HE MORE THAN SATISFIES. HE MORE THAN CARES. HE MORE THAN LOVES. He paid such a price, just because of love, and had every right to hate me because of what He suffered, and He chose to love me anyways, and I have the audacity to say He's just enough?

Nothing and No One comes close to Him!

I walked away from this weekend, believing this with my whole heart. The God that gave me freedom from everything that has bound me, LOVES ME. And He, no matter where I stand in this life, is Everything to me.

He is and will be my Joy.
He is and will be my Love.
He is and will be my Life.

I came home, and real life started back- and I had to firmly stand on the guarantee that He is more than enough, He is everything.

Circumstances were immediately rocky, and Jesus was still everything. Even when life doesn't seem right. So much happened this weekend, and Jesus was still the "everything" that made it last. That made it so important.

"When the angel rolled the stone away, it wasn't so Jesus could get out [He walks through walls, it didn't have to move], the stone was rolled away, so that we could see in. Jesus isn't here, HE IS RISEN. He was the victim of our sin but it wasn't His identity. He has become the Victor! Jesus is alive, HE HAS RISEN."

Wanting more than just stuff

"The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want."

I shall not want. 

I shall not want, but I do want. I want things fiercely sometimes. I don't always want bad things, in fact quite the opposite. Except for wanting Netflix to not fall under laziness, but....

Shocker alert blogging world, I want to get married! There, the 21 year old freak has written it out in plain, bold letters! (Quite a feat too, since I'm writing in bed from my iPad.) I want to marry a Godly, strong, man. I want to learn the ins and outs, the sacrifices and the blessings of love. To experience love past roses and sweet nothings. To get into the messy part of loving someone when the job doesn't work out, or the apartment is too small or its banana sandwiches for the third night that week. I want to walk through life with that one man that I pray the Lord is preparing me for.  

I want to get married and I want to have babies. (My word the freak is bold today!) Lots and lots of babies. Babies I carry in my womb and babies I carry in my heart until I can hold them in my arms. I believe strongly in marriage, procreation, and adoption. Can you tell? I want to raise those babies to love the Lord and to love people. I want to teach them everything they need to know. But I want to learn everything I need to know to teach them...and that scares me. I want to be prepared for them, so don't let them down. I want to be a good mommy to them. 

I want to get married, have babies, and I want to be involved in ministry. This is a long standing dream. It's changed in the specifics over the years but the underlying goal has always been the same: to love on people that may be called "the least of these". The poor, the illiterate, the prostitutes, the homeless, the orphans, the alien, and the widow. I want to show them love and do life with people who have been stripped of liveliness. I want to serve people who have been slaves to the world and the minority in the system of culture. 

I don't want bad things. I do want selfish things. I want to be prettier, skinnier, healthier, funnier, to have a more contagious personality. And none of these things are bad. 

But these things, the selfish and the holy, are what I want. 

Me. 

Flawed. Sinner. Wretched me. And I shall not want. The "want" I understand the Psalmist to be talking about, is exactly all the want I've described. 

But here's the thing, more than the way I want my life to go though, I want to be lovely. To be lovely in the way my Saviour is lovely. To be beautiful in the way my Creator is beautiful. To be caring in the way my Rescuer is caring. To be gentle in the way my Shepherd is gentle. And to lead as graciously as my Lord leads. I want to want the things of the Lord more than I want the dream I have built. I want to be desperate for His Word. I want to long for it with every fiber of my being and with every breath that fills my lungs. 

I want to want, only for the Heart of the Most High. And I'm not there yet. 

But this thing, I believe, is a good thing to want!

The Totality of His Promises

If you're anything like me, you thrive on positivity. Negativity has a huge "weigh-down" effect on your heart, and has at times put me in quite the down mood. Ok fine its made me downright grumpy.

I think it is for this reason, that I personally love and look for the promises of God. For so long I heard people talk about the "Promises of God" as though they were a new Max Lucado book. It has taken me until recent years to recognize that they are not an organized page in the Psalms, but rather little nuggets of hope and truth sprinkled all through His Word. And as this revelation dawned on me, soon I began hearing more and more of said promises.

Sweet little Scripture based one-liners became part of the language I was speaking as I paid more and more attention to them as other people said them.

Just here recently, I was reminded of a very cherished promise: "The Lord withholds no good thing."

Now before I go on, I want to be careful here, because I think often times in the name of "Truth" Christians end up tearing each other to shreds over petty little pet peeves. I don't want to do this. I just want to share what I have learned, and also to allow others to be aware of something that I was not.

So far as I have seen, every promise He gives requires something of us.

Now please don't misunderstand me on this. I am not suggesting, insinuating, encouraging or preaching a works based faith. In fact, just the opposite. What I see required of us, has very little to do with what we are able to do.

Take for example Psalm 63:8. Picked apart, the promise we dish out is "His right hand upholds me." Where this is true, its not the whole verse. The first part of it says "My soul clings to You."

My soul clings.

My hands to not hold, my mind does not set, and my words to not matter. My soul clings.

We are required to CLING to Him.

In just one chapter earlier in Psalm 32:8, we see "God is our refuge." But before the promise of God as refuge, we see both the statement "Trust in Him at all times" and "Pour your hearts out to Him."

We are required to TRUST IN HIM, and CONFIDE IN HIM.

Well what about in other parts of the Bible, not just Psalms? (Though the Psalms do contain an enormous amount of promises.)

Take Proverbs 23:17&18 for example. When encouraging with a promise, most might just state the gist of verse 18 which says "There is a future hope for you and your hope will not be cut off." but verse 17 provides us first with a warning that I feel is key: "Do not let your heart envy sinners. But always be zealous for the fear of the Lord."

We are required to NOT ENVY and to BE ZELOUS.

In Matthew 11:28 we are promised rest, but we are told first to come to Him (all ye who are heavy laden.)

We are required to COME TO THE FATHER.

These are just some of the ones I came across in my search, but there are countless others. And I dare say each promise notes something about us needing to cling to Him, or seek Him, or pour our hearts out to Him.

So often I think we complain about "God not coming through on His promises" yet we are not living like His children. Obedience is so full of joy. And when we shift our eyes away from the life we live so often, and reorient ourselves on the lifestyle He has commanded of us, we soon realize His promises where there always- we were choosing to live in a way where, we could not experience them.

Choose joy. Choose to live in His promises!

(Source)

Not So New

Well hello there blogging world. After my last "real" post, I figured it had been a long enough spell of silence and I could venture forth with an update.

Its been just over a month since I have let you peek into the heart of the girl I described as "devastatingly lonely." And since then, much has changed. Much to the extent of feeling overwhelmed at one point.

Very soon after writing that post, things began to happen in my life and in my heart. Not even a week after that post, we went to a church I like to say is our family's church. My grandparents married there, my parents met and married there, and they stayed there until I was 2. (And being the fourth born, that's quite a while.) I think it's really for that reason that my dad was a little hesitant to visit, but alas, visit we did. And then we did again the next week, and the next, and the next. And so forth and so on. Now about a month and a half later, I feel more established here than I have anywhere in the last two years. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

In the middle of our settling into this church, we had our annual homeschool convention. And although I am now two years graduated, and my sister several more, we still enjoy and look forward to volunteering. In previous years I have worked in the children's program and let me tell you- it takes an insane amount of energy, patience, and joy to keep 25 little ones happy and excited for two solid days. But this year, although I enjoyed the fast paced environment of previous years, I had decided to try something new. I'll spare you the details, but I ended up working in the used curriculum sale. Which honestly, sounds wicked boring. But it was not at all. I worked with people I knew, and met others and enjoyed every second. Reconnecting with some of the folks, and making new friends- it was a really amazing weekend. I even got to keep in contact with a few of them thanks to the modern convenience of facebook! :) Although I'm a "newbie" to the established group of volunteers, everyone was very friendly, and I look forward to continue to get to know them in the coming months, and working with them again next summer!

It was just after this that I began to feel overwhelmed in my soul. I was suddenly being plunged into a group of people who remembered my name, and things about me. People I was talking to and seeing throughout the week were greeting me on Sunday mornings. The very things I had longed and prayed for for a few years now, were coming in droves and all I could identify in my heart was an overwhelmed with joy and thankfulness emotion.

Reflecting on all that has happened these last few weeks as I wrote, brought back the wave of overwhelmed thanks I felt not two weeks ago- and I just can't say enough for how thankful I am.

The church is solid, established, growing, and Gospel driven. I could not have picked a better place if I tried. God led us exactly where He needs us for now.

That's really all I have to say- is just that I feel as though I am finally "home" in a sense. Please just continue praying for our family as we settle in and develop relationships and ministries within this body.

~Mal

An Open Letter to the Church

Dear Church,

First and foremost, when I write the Church, I am essentially writing myself as well. So anything I say can and should apply to me as well.

This said, let me be as honest and transparent as I can be.

My heart aches at the state in which we currently find ourselves. This is a general assessment, because in the last two years, the Lord has led me through a number of different churches. A Baptist church, a Spanish church(also Baptist), a community church, a Calvary chapel, a traditional Baptist church, and most recently a nondenominational congregation.

Although some of these were one week visits, I still see it; in some more than others. But I see it nonetheless.

For some context, let me share where I'm coming from by way of a few verses:

"...let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near." (Hebrews 10:24&25)

"So those who received his word were baptized, and there were added that day about three thousand souls. And they devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching and the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and the prayers." (Acts 2:21&22)

Do you see it?

Fellowship. Encouragement. Sharing meals(breaking of bread). Meeting together.

(source)

Oh church, where is this?

Where is the deep connection to one another in Christ? And why has it been passed up for a quick "I'll pray for you" and busy schedule. What on earth are we doing that is so much more important?

We allow things we say are "necessary" to rule our lives, and then we want to jump into some kind of neighborhood ministry with practical strangers.

How can you expect to minister to nonbelievers with people you don't know? I find this illogical. We're abandoning Christian fellowship for empty relationships in the name of "ministering to them". If we are ministering alone, we already aren't following a Biblical model, nor are we following the example set by Christ himself.

Why have we stopped ministering to each other? Think about this with me, as a Christian, individuals need to know that the community of believers is still around them.

This has not been the case for me in recent years.

I'm not saying that I've been abandoned by the church, as some feel they have been, but I am saying, I see no evident community.

No investment in one another. No joy in doing life together. No real relationship.

Church, why is this the case? Why are we no longer being the network of believers designed by Christ? Why is our answer to "how are you?" always "I'm good!" And why, when someone does decide to be honest, and share "I'm struggling" are we so irritated? Because we're so busy we don't want to deal with someone else's problems.

Church! This isn't Biblical! We're called to listen and minister when someone is struggling! That's what it means to "bear one another's burdens" (and so fulfill the law of Christ Galatians 6:2). But we've built up such a shell of busy, busy, busy, that we are scared to share. We overthink, "what will people think if I was really honest?" This ought not be. But it is. Why? Why have we let ourselves come to this place?

Church, if we are not encouraging one another, building one another up, teaching and training one another, I dare say even admonishing one another, how do we think we can be Christ to others unless we are Christ to each other? This is the family. If it's not right in here, it can't be right out there.

Church, seek the Lord in all we do- and we will be doing His will. And when we do His will- we bring glory to His name.

Signed,
A member of the Church

The Killjoy that is Defeat

My day started off in the deficit when I woke myself up, terrified, that I not only overslept my alarm, but was thirty minutes late for receiving my baby. Only once I had completely woken myself up and was oriented enough to check the time on my phone (the clock on the other side of the room was still groggy looking) did I discover that I still had an hour of sleeping time. Trying to calm my racing heart, I was jumpy for the next hour, sure that my day was going to start later than it was supposed to. Strike One.

After a number unsuccessful attempts at dieting(mostly pathetic attempts on my own), exercising and loosing weight, I vowed never again. I wasn't going to stay hungry to not loose weight. But here came another one, waving its banner of "eat real food!" and the testimonies of people dropping pounds and inches and if it wasn't for a number of people I know personally having success on this particular program, I probably wouldn't have bought it. Yet on the bandwagon I jumped and hating myself every second for it. Lets be honest, all I want is a doughnut, I've been hungry for a week now, and on the day that everyone else is posting "one week in and down three pounds!" I stepped on the scale and GAINED weight. Everyone else shedding the pounds and #lovingit and I'm over here, dumbfounded as I stare at the screen (we don't have a scale, so we use our Wii fit) +.2lbs. OK so I didn't even gain half a pound- but when everyone else is down three pounds, I would have been happy with one. But I didn't. More on this whole subject later; I haven't given up...I'm still on it. However, gaining the weight when everyone else lost, was my Strike Two.

Fast forward an hour, and my baby is now in his third outfit of the day. Why? My scattered brain wasn't there enough to think "hey the baby wearing cloth diapers needs a change now." Nanny of the year award. Strike Three.

Its not even 10AM and I have already struck out on my day. At this point, cue the "every wrong thought" flood, and I realize, I haven't worked out since Friday. I'm starving. Decrease my calorie intake. If I take one more swig of water I am going to hurl. Why is my baby only sleeping for 20 minutes at a time? Gosh I really want a slice of pizza. Great- my poor little sister did not need the blow of forceful words from me; its not her fault I can't loose weight. Did my license come? Mail comes: no license. (more on this later as well)

I'm still wearing clothes that at any given point have had a number of unidentified liquids on them. My hair looks like I haven't showered in a week. My room looks like Dorothy's house decided to land there instead of the Wicked Witch of the East. My self esteem is hanging out below sea level. And even this blog post has been devastatingly irritating to try to write. (Devastatingly is dramatic. I just really wanted to use the word devastatingly.)

And at the moment I think "THAT'S IT!" The sweetest eight year old is begging for me to snuggle with him. My mom is taking my baby and giving me a hug. And my dad gives me that good-bye-eye grin that makes me smile.

I still want a cupcake. I still feel pretty slummy. I still really dislike Mondays. But this day is no less the Lord's than tomorrow. My family is still loving me through my mood swings. And coffee is still the answer to a lot of questions.

As one of my favorite literary characters once said, "Isn't it nice to think that tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet?" Bring it Tuesday. After today, I can handle anything. Besides, Tuesday is Bible study day. And those are some of the best! :)

O Come Emmanuel

**Disclaimer**
Theologians have debated for years upon years about little nit picky things that really don't define or shape my faith. I'm vaguely referencing the nittygritty subject of "what time of year was Jesus actually born?"

I really don't care. This is where tradition comes into play, and we celebrate and honor His birth in December.


THAT SAID, when I write this, I'm not talking about, "we should celebrate whenever the professionals say is more accurate!" Because lets be honest. That's going to keep changing. It was September, now its June. Oh and specific dates! My goodness. We're not even going there.

But I am talking about something maybe kind of cheesy with a hint of truth to it. So, bear with me. I'm talking about Christmas spirit.

That warm fuzzy feeling that overtakes people, (mostly emotional saps like me who keep Hallmark on nonstop the entire season and play Christmas music October 1) and makes (most people) set aside their differences to allow for some kindness and generosity. Its the same warmth that brings bell ringers with their red buckets out every December, and the same thing that prods our hearts to keep dropping leftover Kroger change into them. 

But it's more than that. And I think people know that. Whether or not people ever acknowledge that and accept it, is not for me to say, but its there just the same. Drawing people through the doors of the church every December 24.

That's quite obviously the Christmas spirit I'm talking about.

My question is this: why does Christmas spirit stop January 1? As if unanimously, we've made our new year's resolution to be "be grumpy till Valentines day. And on that day, mourn the single people." Like what is that junk?

(source)

Be logical! If in theory, Christ was born December 25, on our valentine's day, Mary would have had an infant! He's not old news! Or better yet he was growing up, so when did He visit the temple? Why isn't that some kind of recognized day. It should be. Ok maybe that is a tad on the extreme side. But I do feel like we just stop celebrating Him all too soon. Once all the nativity scenes are packed up its out of sight out of mind for most of us. Do you ever just imagine Him growing up? Doesn't that keep Him and his Spirit in your heart just a little longer through the year?

Which brings me to my bigger question: Why do we isolate the name "Emmanuel" to Christmas time?  It makes such a nice ring to all those old Christmas carols, but it means God with us! Isn't He still with us, even when the sound of carols ringing out have long since past? When the mundane begins, and work and school start, and dreary January drags on, isn't He still with us?

Isn't Christ, Christ in all His names, still true to His name Emmanuel all through the year? If we believed that, I mean really believed that, what would it change? What would change in how you responded to your relentlessly questioning child if you believed God was with you? What would change in the way you drive if you believed God was with you? What would change in the way you clean your house, or interact with co-workers, or communicated with people at the grocery store? Would our lives change at all if we really truly believed, that, God with us, Christ Emmanuel, is with us, all through the year?

I was wrong(Single life: part 3)

I know I need to learn how to say it more. But here it is. I'm even going to put it in big. Bold. Letters.

I. WAS. WRONG.

There we have it. I said it. It's sitting there staring me in the face even as I type. It's mocking me. Relentlessly telling me, how much I have to learn about humility.

My words, MY OWN WORDS, keep ringing in my head: "Don't tell me it's a gift, cos its not."

In my flustered irritation about the misconceptions and tacky, unhelpful, cliche sayings that surrounding singleness, I failed to note something: the context of the verses I used in that post. Sure, I read the two or three above and below to make sure they weren't taken out of context, but I sure didn't pay attention to what some of those verses had to say. So sitting in Bible study Tuesday night, I got slapped across the face as the verse was read. A verse I now get a know in my stomach about. One that I obviously paid no mind to. A verse that calls "unmarried life" .......a GIFT.

Not a season.

Not a learning time.

Not a time to play, or travel, or work, or go to school.

A gift.

A gift is a treasure, a precious thing, that you guard and protect, and use correctly. Someone has given it to you, because you were the right person for that gift. And you guys, I have dragged it through the mud! I do not like being single. I struggle with it sometimes, and pray that I will not always be single, but you guys....I'm spitting in God's face. He knows that that GIFT is right for me right now. And He allowed it to be called a gift in His Word for a reason.

"I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another." (v. 7)

See, he calls both a gift. And I think most would agree that calling marriage a gift is right on. But how many of us truly believe that being unmarried is a gift?

He goes on to explain why it's gift at all, and why he prefers it to marriage: because a married person's attention is divided between God and spouse, but an unmarried person can dedicate their whole beings to the Lord. When you look at it that way, what could be sweeter?

This doesn't negate the design and desire for marriage; marriage is still God's purpose for His people. But I think the "gift" of singleness is the intimacy you can receive with The Father.

"...An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord." (vs. 34&35)

a choice I'm making now

So as some of my readers may know, I recently turned 20. (I didn't  cry...but almost.) And even thought that is not legal drinking age, I think it's important to decide how you feel about an issue like that before you have to make a split second choice. In those moments, our judgement tends to be clouded. So I've decided to write up some of my thoughts and share them! :)

 I've seen more than one secular produced film, where a character declines a drink simply because "I don't drink" and people accept that answer.

It seems to me that a few years ago, there was judging over drinks, but man you were looked down on if you drank. You were a slob, less of a Christian, and definitely not esteemed in a Christian community.

To this day, there are still Christians judging Christians over drinking, but it seems to be going the opposite way. "Oh, you don't drink" As if I am less of a person for choosing not to. Why is it acceptable in secular media for a person to say "I don't drink" and not in a Christian setting? (Quite simply because we as Christians find the need to be so harsh on one another; but that is an entirely separate post.)

I'll share something with you: what I believe.

The Bible...it contains people drinking alcohol. Yes. Fermented, alcohol. Yes, God's mighty people. And yes, God's own Son produced more wine (alcoholic wine) at a wedding feast. I could get on a high horse about how that was just a "time in history" and a "necessity of the times" But I'm not going to, because that isn't why I won't drink.

So why no drinking for me?

1. Although not every encounter with alcohol is a negative one, I have never seen a positive one. 
2. I can find no reason why any other drink won't do; to me it seems foolish with my money, and I just don't need it. I don't need alcohol to enhance a social setting; I can have just as much fun without it.
3. In relation with number one, I have seen first hand how alcohol can rip a family to shreds, and I want no part in it. 
4. I have never seen drinking bring anyone closer to the Father, improve their Christian witness, or make them a better person. 

And therefore, I choose now, before I am of legal drinking age, not to drink. I don't see how it will improve the quality of my life, walk with Christ, or bring me or someone else closer to the Father. And all I ask is that you respect that decision instead of looking down your nose at me. I'm not ignorant because I choose not to, I have made an educated decision not to.

So why is drinking such a big deal? Honestly, I just don't know. But it is. And because it is, its our duty as Christians to decide ahead of time where we stand on it, before we find ourselves in a situation where we make a rash decision. I do not believe that drinking is not a sin, but it is a stumbling block.

We have been doing a character study in the mornings, and one of the character qualities we have been studying is "tolerance", but maybe not the tolerance you're thinking of. The definition we are working with is "realizing that myself and others are at varying levels of character development." This means, that if I go to a party with Christians, and someone is drinking, I cannot judge them, because where God has them is different than where He has me. And in the same vain, I'm not where they are, so I cannot make the choices they are. Every Christian walk is at a different spot. And there are sin issues, and there are conviction issues. This is grey in the Bible, therefore I believe that it falls to conviction.

So now I wanna know, how or why did you decide to or not to drink? Did your family have any influence or was it experience? Share your thoughts! 

Exciting Announcements!

Well this has most definitely been a season of change in my life. Gladly, its been mostly good changes including a new house and job.

My new "job" is getting to nanny this sweetie pie! He's about two months old and absolutely precious! I call him my little Bear, not because he's grouchy, he isn't! He's just like a cuddly little teddy bear! I'm starting out part time, since his mom hasn't gone back to work yet, but once she does I will be his full time nanny. He's been such a pleasure to get to know, and because of him, I have now mastered the art of cloth diapers!

In other news, I am going to be an auntie again!!! In May 2015, Baby Pepino will join us! This was very exciting news to hear, and we are all looking forward to meeting this little one! Girl or boy, we are always so excited to hear of another one coming! :) Read all about my sister's life with her three boys and being pregnant with #4 here.

And lastly but defiantly not most important is my birthday next week. On Sunday, mom has lovingly planned a family get together! We have been on a 30 day detox, (which my other sister has been faithfully blogging through) and in short, you can have meat, fruits and veggies. And that's about it. So we've all been wanting lots of what we can't have, and the main thing has been pizza! So on Sunday, we are having pizza! Cheesy, breaded pizza!

Then on Wednesday, we're headed to my sister's house for her doctor's appointment. Its kind of been our tradition to go and watch the boys so she can go. But this one will be an ultrasound so I'm excited!  That night we're going to Peruvian for my birthday dinner with just mom and dad and the sisters here at home.

Then on Saturday after, I've got some of my friends coming over. Not a big deal, just four friends to come hang out and celebrate with me.

Well that's it for announcements! :)

7 things you should never say to a single girl

A few weeks ago, I decided to post onto my blog, a peak into my soul. But just barely. Being transparent felt empowering. I felt real, like I was being honest. So I've decided to do it again.

So here I present to you, 7 things you should never say to a single girl, and why not:

1) "Are you interested in a relationship or are you enjoying being single?"
As a general rule, most girls do not want to be single.
 -Why should you not say this?
It's best to avoid saying this, because this could be really hurtful; especially if whoever she is does want a relationship.
-A better thing to say...
If she's mentioned a class, ask what she wants to do with that; if she mentions a job, ask her about that; if you have a trusting relationship with her, you will eventually hear her heart on dating and relationships and how she feels being single. Don't rush that.  

source

2) "You better get on it if you want kids!(or some biological clock joke)" or "Don't worry, you still have time!"
This is a remark that goes one way or the other, and neither are very helpful.
 -Why should you not say this?
If a girl wants to be in a relationship/married and isn't, basically telling her she's running out of time isn't just hurtful, it's heartbreaking. However, on the flip side, saying something like "you still have time" isn't your best idea either. To be honest, maybe it's not a good idea to talk about how much "time" a single lady has. Referring to her age at all, even if she is "young" can be really hurtful to some girls.
-A better thing to say...
Keep it simple. Something just as plain as "God has you where HE wants you" will suffice.

3) I have/know a really great (enter relation to male here)!
Great.
-Why should you not say this?
If she's a girl like me, she isn't going to pursue the relationship. I appreciate you mentioning this guy to me, but if you really think there would be something there, mention me to him. I'm not going to approach a guy like that. However, thank you for thinking of me!
-A better thing to say...
Honestly, some times fewer words are better. Saying something like "God knows His plan for you" I find very encouraging. Sometimes we just need that reminder that He is still in control instead of someone trying to "fix" our situation. 

4) But there's so much you should be doing with your single years!
Fact. There is. However, with all due respect, how do you know I'm not throwing myself into as much ministry and activity as my schedule and finances allow?
-Why should you not say this?
Because it can be a punch to the gut. Contentment is already a struggle. Especially when a girl wants a relationship and doesn't have one, and she is making the best of where she is, telling her there's "more" she could be doing makes us feel inadequate, like we aren't doing enough. We are seeking joy the best way we know how, trying to use our gifts and talents to the Lord.
-A better thing to say...
Encouraging us in what we are doing is actually really great to hear. For example, I teach ESL and I become encouraged to keep on in that whenever someone else either becomes excited for what I'm doing or simple offers some encouragement in that.

5) Have you tried eHarmony/Christian Mingle/online dating?
Nope.nope.nope.nope.nope. No offense, just don't even go here. 
-Why should you not say this?

source

Because- straight up flesh talking here: its none of your business. A lot of single people feel that online dating is a last resort. If we are using an online dating program, we more than likely don't want to share all those details. And if we aren't, telling us we should makes us feel like "well you're obviously not going to meet anyone else."
-A better thing to say...
IF you need to say something here, something like, "God has some mysterious and crazy ways of working!" will do just fine. Anything more can be overkill and hurtful. 

6) You should put yourself out there more!
Some of us are not comfortable "putting ourselves out there" any more than absolutely necessary.
-Why should you not say this?
Because sometimes it is out of conviction that we aren't putting ourselves out there; sometimes its our personality; and sometimes we've just been so burned by the situations we got into when we "put ourselves out there", we aren't really interested in going about it that way again.
-A better thing to say...
This maybe one of those times, where there is no better thing to say.

7) You'll find a great guy some day! 
I hope so.
-Why should you not say this? 
Although this sounds like a good thing to say, and it might be the necessary comfort at that moment, it is a promise you cannot keep. I believe marriage is God's purpose for His people, but not His plan for everyone of us. The hard reality that some of us might not get married is true. False hope only puts off accepting the truth.
-A better thing to say...
"God has great plans for you!" And then leave it at that.  

Ginger goes again

Remember Ginger?

Well. She's going again.

Its times like these I imagine I resemble a lot of "Peter Pan" or "Anne Shirley" tendencies: a yearning desire for absolutely nothing to change.

But the harsh, cold, true reality is that you can't hold back time. You can't wish it to stop, or to rewind. Time presses on with more endurance than anything else I know or know of. Time changes things we wish to stay the same. Time presses forward, and the more we wish it to hold on, we miss where time has brought us at that moment.

But the thing more consistent than even time itself is God. ("Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever." Hebrews 13:8) And that consistent God is ever faithful, not just to me, but to Ginger as well.

Ginger, as you go, remember that the loving and faithful hand of the Father is on you and all your ways. Know that though time and distance are between us for this season, you are always dear to my heart, and never far from my thoughts. 

Allow the Son to be the light by which you shine. You are so endearing, and lovely, dear Ginger. Let the Father use that! I get overwhelmed thinking of the ways He could. ("For what we proclaim is not ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, with ourselves as your servants for Jesus' sake. For God, who said, 'Let light shine out of darkness,' has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ." 2 Corinthians 4:5&6; "The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it." John 1:5

I don't know how life will look for you in the coming months; and I dare say neither do you. I know you pray. I love to hear you pray. But sometimes, the words just don't come for any of us. When those times come, take comfort. Your shouts of joy or your wails of grief or your moans of confusion or your silence of thankfulness are each heard, and understood. The Father knows. He kind of thought of everything :). ("...the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words." Romans 8:26)

That passage is pretty cool. It goes on to say, that "he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified." (Through vs. 30) 

Ginger I don't know what being adults is going to look like for either of us. Where that will take us, and who it will shape us into. But please know that I am praying for you, wherever you go, will love you however He creates you to be, and will visit you, no matter where He calls you to live!

(Ginger and I spent a lot of time together this summer, but this is the only picture we got. Two of our dearest friends between us!) 

transparency on singleness

I don't always feel transparent, or like I can just talk about how I feel or the thoughts I have running around in my mind, but today, I do. I feel terribly transparent.

At this moment I'm thinking the idea of using a laptop is far more romantic than actually using one. You know, the cute picture of the beautiful gal with her messy do and sweat pants lounging on a couch with her husband sitting by her feet, reading a book. She's got the lap top on her knees and she's probably writing something far more profound on her blog than I am on mine. But here I am. Sitting upright on my bed, typing. Because laying down hurts my neck after a while, and for those of us who wear glasses, having the lap top on your belly or knees while you lounge, is no option. There is no husband reading his novel aloud to me, just the leftover noise from the TV down the hall wafting towards my room, and the sound of my nails on the keyboard.

I'm also thinking how creepy it is that Netflix learns allll about you.

I have been trying to write about Halloween, but I'm not thinking about Halloween. My thoughts are somewhere else all together.

While wading through my thoughts, I kept coming upon one in particular. Not quite the monster in the closet, but by far not the most pleasant thing to deal with. And the truth is, I come in contact with this almost daily, though some days it looks different than others. Its sort of a "thing" that some people just carry around. Bloggers from every walk of life have written about it. And now it's my turn. Read if you want to. Or don't. Share if you agree. Leave a comment with your feedback. I don't really care.

I'm going to write about it, because all though my identity is in Christ, there are things that are stuck on us. And this is one of those labels that I have had stuck on me, and it haunts. Not just me, but most people with it.

I'm talking about singleness.

Now, at 20 this really isn't something that should bother me a whole lot but it does. So I'm writing about it.

Don't tell me it's a gift, cos its not. Don't tell me to love it, cos I don't. Don't tell me its what God intended, cos it isn't. Don't tell me that I'm "free to do my thing right now" cos that's not what it's about.

I've read and heard of article after article telling me to "embrace it!" to "love it" and to "enjoy it" and yet nowhere in scripture do I see that. Paul talks fairly openly about his views on marriage (1 Corinthians 7 tends to be the "passage to support singleness") But if you note (at lease I find this true in the ESV) he says "the Lord, not I says..." when he is giving commands on marriage. Its obvious that his desire for singleness is not a God-given command. And there are men I know, serving in parts of this world, and able to dedicate their lives to their work, because they do not have the obligation of being a husband too. So I understand completely why this God-inspired passage is a passage in our Bibles, but I do think that the Christian community has abused it to fit the agenda of singleness.

This is my honest attempt to debunk some of the lies of singleness that we have created and believed. We have become calloused to somethings, and its high time for a call back to God's purpose for His people. In an attempt to be sensitive to single people, we have created a safety zone that has become a banner of singleness for Christians. If you want to hear my thoughts, read on! :)

1) Singleness is a plague to some, and a gift to others:
I see how people can kind of fall to either side of this. For some, their life's work does not permit marriage as an option. God has blessed them with the gift of singleness, to serve Himself in a way they can best do single. But to others, it is a thing we so long and desire, and yet do not want to come off as needy, pushy, or even sin in our desire for it.


2) The church as helped singles "cope" with being single by making the single life the superior lifestyle: As aforementioned, singleness has been quite the hot topic of blogs, books and conferences recently. In an effort to comfort those hurting over being single, the whole idea of single-hood has lost its comfort aspect, and become a glorified thing. Its gone so far to that extreme, that now we have people intentionally waiting a long time to get serious in a relationship; Christian men and women waiting for marriage to pursue careers and other interests long before thinking about marriage.

Which leads me to...


3) Careers, not marraige have become the object for which to strive: It used to be the men who did the going, and the women who did the staying(work and home). Some people call it "sweet" others call it "ideal" and still others will call it "old-fashioned"(old fashioned is nice compared to some of what I've heard) but the idea of a woman being a homemaker, and the man being the breadwinner is all but forgotten. It doesn't matter who is bringing home the bacon, as long as someone is, everyone is happy. Now, this is not a post to get nitty-gritty on gender roles, and the family. But the cultural shift of gender roles, has especially affected the young people of this generation. Young people are no longer looking for a soul mate to raise a Godly family with, we are instead being enticed by the next rung of the corporate latter, the higher degree, or the next money making opportunity.

4) Singleness has desensitized us to the commands of God by becoming a glorified lifestyle: People are outright choosing not to get married. It bothers me, because it is throwing off the balance of things. Ever since the Garden, God has had a plan, a patter if you will. It started with the first two beings on earth: One man, one woman, and the commands: work the earth, and be fruitful and multiple. That was how God wanted it. Why else would He later give us commands about being faithful to our spouse, and for children to honour parents, unless of course people were spouses and parents themselves. Marriage is a huge part of God's plan for His people, though true, it is not for everyone. (Just wanted to make it clear that I understand that not everyone HAS to get married.)


5) Singleness does not fulfill the God-given roles of men and women: singleness should be the exception, not the rule: (Although this sounds like a repeat of #4, stick with me, it's not :). God is basically awesome. And scientific studies have shown some irrefutable things. Like, my favorite is the study of the male vs. female body design. Now, understand that this is a general study, and not every fact is true of every man or woman. They are generalizations of each gender. The male body is designed for work and hard labor. They have a longer sustainability (meaning they can physically work longer than women.) This is why jobs like construction and brick masonry are primarily jobs of men. They demand of a man, what a man, and not a woman, was built for. Their bodies are built to be faster runners (and before long range guns, this was helpful when hunting!) (also, like I said, these are generalizations. A particular woman, may be able to run faster than a particular man, but as a general rule.) And a woman. Man. Our bodies are just as incredible. Our minds were built for multitasking. We tease men for not being able to, but it's because we have been designed to! We're able to think about dinner, daily tasks, our baby's sleeping and eating schedule and answer the toddler's relentless questions, all within a few moments time. I'm gonna get real here, our hips were designed to bear and birth children. Yes, God even designed our pelvic bones differently so that our bodies were the perfect environment for baby to grow safely, and then for our hips to expand to give growing baby room, and THEN to dislocate temporarily so we can give birth to baby! How absolutely incredible is that?? When we choose to be single, we are choosing to forfeit the roles God has not only created for us, but created us for.

These are just my thoughts. I'm no scholar. Just a single girl, pondering my currently single state. And praying that it isn't God's plan for me to stay single. I do not feel called to a lifestyle that would benefit from being single. I feel called to become a Godly woman, to marry a Godly man, to with him raise Godly children, and to serve Him wherever the Father leads. But I know that He works in a time table so differently than our own. He is not surprised by the interest decline in marriage. None of this has caught Him off guard. He knows full well the ins and outs of the hearts of every man. He is working for the good in the lives of those who love Him! And that, is a promise!