Excuse me, your ugly is showing: 2018 in review

as the year winds down, and a new one is cresting, my mind is racing, trying to weed through all the lessons i've learned this past year, while also trying to excite myself for all those that lay ahead.

this year brought a lot of firsts for me. for the very first time, i had a job wholly independent from my family. the adjustments it brought were completely unexpected. the things i have learned have been tattooed onto my mind, shaping me into someone almost wholly unrecognizable from who i was last year this time. independence, respect, work ethic, customer service, new skills, sharpening ones i already had...when i look back i feel like all i've done is grown. in just about every area. 

there were aspects of my character, i didn't realize people in my life just...put up with, until i was working with someone who wasn't going to. and it was in these ways that i grew that were most painful. i took it personally when i felt aspects of my personality were under attack, when what was being refined was my character. i could speak of the tact used, but what matters is that i was refined. and whether i liked method or not, i was made a better person. and i have some painful moments to be reminded of that by. 

just when i think i've been stretched and grown and refined enough, a new mirror is held in front of my ever learning but ugly character, and a new opportunity to grow is shoved down my throat, and placed into my tightly clenched fists. 

i have quoted many times my pop, who wisely says "people are messy" and this year i learned just how messy they can be. and as i learned how messy loving people is and how messy being a person is, i learned that when people are with people, the ugly comes out. let me tell y'all, 

the ugly. 

showed. 

up. 

i saw ugly in myself and others that i never even fathomed could be there. as my work situation has shifted, i went from working with one guy, to five women and boy was that a change. the honeymoon phase has ended, and the ugly is leaking out now as we all find our bearings with each other. i though we were in better shape than this, but we're learning new ways to deal with people as we learn to deal well with one another. new people: new things to learn about myself. 

amidst all the ugly i would say this: the ugly shows up, but 

always. 

choose. 

to learn. 

there are lessons in every small trial we face. there are always opportunities for our character to be refined. i didn't always view the ugly (mine or others) as opportunity to grow and change. i didn't always learn from every situation that left me feeling inadequate, or unsatisfied. but when i did, i was better for it. among all the ugly, learn, grow, repeat, there was one other thing, always available for the taking or the giving: grace. 

so.

much. 

grace.

at every short coming, at every failed attempt, or lack of attempt, at every new situation, or not-my-greatest-moments, in every moment of weakness, at the ugly of myself and those around me, there was grace on grace on grace for everyone involved. i wish i always remembered that, when moments felt beyond repair, that there was grace, but i remember it now. 

so go into 2019, ready to face the ugly, ready to learn, and ready to extend grace, to you, and those around you. happy new year, friends.