Excuse me, your ugly is showing: 2018 in review

as the year winds down, and a new one is cresting, my mind is racing, trying to weed through all the lessons i've learned this past year, while also trying to excite myself for all those that lay ahead.

this year brought a lot of firsts for me. for the very first time, i had a job wholly independent from my family. the adjustments it brought were completely unexpected. the things i have learned have been tattooed onto my mind, shaping me into someone almost wholly unrecognizable from who i was last year this time. independence, respect, work ethic, customer service, new skills, sharpening ones i already had...when i look back i feel like all i've done is grown. in just about every area. 

there were aspects of my character, i didn't realize people in my life just...put up with, until i was working with someone who wasn't going to. and it was in these ways that i grew that were most painful. i took it personally when i felt aspects of my personality were under attack, when what was being refined was my character. i could speak of the tact used, but what matters is that i was refined. and whether i liked method or not, i was made a better person. and i have some painful moments to be reminded of that by. 

just when i think i've been stretched and grown and refined enough, a new mirror is held in front of my ever learning but ugly character, and a new opportunity to grow is shoved down my throat, and placed into my tightly clenched fists. 

i have quoted many times my pop, who wisely says "people are messy" and this year i learned just how messy they can be. and as i learned how messy loving people is and how messy being a person is, i learned that when people are with people, the ugly comes out. let me tell y'all, 

the ugly. 

showed. 

up. 

i saw ugly in myself and others that i never even fathomed could be there. as my work situation has shifted, i went from working with one guy, to five women and boy was that a change. the honeymoon phase has ended, and the ugly is leaking out now as we all find our bearings with each other. i though we were in better shape than this, but we're learning new ways to deal with people as we learn to deal well with one another. new people: new things to learn about myself. 

amidst all the ugly i would say this: the ugly shows up, but 

always. 

choose. 

to learn. 

there are lessons in every small trial we face. there are always opportunities for our character to be refined. i didn't always view the ugly (mine or others) as opportunity to grow and change. i didn't always learn from every situation that left me feeling inadequate, or unsatisfied. but when i did, i was better for it. among all the ugly, learn, grow, repeat, there was one other thing, always available for the taking or the giving: grace. 

so.

much. 

grace.

at every short coming, at every failed attempt, or lack of attempt, at every new situation, or not-my-greatest-moments, in every moment of weakness, at the ugly of myself and those around me, there was grace on grace on grace for everyone involved. i wish i always remembered that, when moments felt beyond repair, that there was grace, but i remember it now. 

so go into 2019, ready to face the ugly, ready to learn, and ready to extend grace, to you, and those around you. happy new year, friends. 

Dear Future Husband

Dear Future Husband,

Per the sage advice of several older, wiser women, I have worked as hard as I possibly can to shed my expectations of you. For ten or more years, I have tried as diligently as I can to drum away my ideas of your face, physique, and voice. I've chased away images of you working on your car, or painting in our flat. I've put ideas of your hobbies, jobs, interests, tastes in music, food, and movies, and even your nationality out of my mind. I have tried to erase my expectations of your personality, your temper, your background, your height, your hairstyle, your everything. It is so sorely unfair of me to have expectations of you, and I know that from time to time, I've built some up, and I don't have it all right. But I think I've done ok putting an image of you out of my mind.

But there's something you need to know.

For as many ideas that I don't have about you, I have so many for our marriage.

I have been the blessed daughter of two amazing people. But the legacy goes deeper. You see, I watched as my grandparents, married sixty years, kissed and held hands. I watched as my ailing grandfather wept over seeing his Darling in a rehab environment. Even thought I know it's helping her get better, his mind couldn't grasp it. And that's a thing that I love. She is still so patient with him.

Even with his fragile mind, she loves him. Even when his world is muddled and confused and frustrating, she's the only thing he knows and loves. Even when he asks the same question 15 times in a row; even when he forgets what he's done with her things; even when she can't physically handle helping him do things, she still loves him. Her love is deeper than "in love". His love is deeper than "in love".

They have built a marriage of "Three Strands", and 60 years, two kids, 9 grandkids and a growing number of great grands later, this is so evident. The only constant in their life, is the cord of Christ, the cross of Christ.

This is the expectation I have for us. This is the kind of marriage I long for us to fight for.

Better or worse.

Richer or poorer.

Sickness and health.

Love and cherish.

Till death do us part.

I want to be decades deep and still just in love. I want to be 60 years in and still just as willing to love and serve you.

But I can assure you the only way we will ever have this kind of forever love, is if we both are first madly in love with Christ.

So please, wherever you are, whoever you are, whatever you're doing, fall in love with Christ first.

This kind of marriage is such a testament to His mercy. Their marriage has brought Him glory...isn't that what marriage should do? Bring Him glory?

Isn't that what our lives are to do? Bring Him glory?

I don't know that I do that well every day, or ever, but I hope I can bring Him glory as a single person until I can bring Him glory as your bride. Until we can with our marriage.

So I will continue to push away expectations of you, but I can assure you I'm storing up many for the quality of our marriage.

To the One Who Stayed

To the One Who Stayed,

This post is not easy. I feel like I've endured a roller coaster of emotions and I'm trying desperately to get off, but just when I think it's done, that it's all over, it takes another loop. Another uphill climb and another downward spiral. It goes on and on and I'm weary.

Its not all your fault, I get it. But I confess, all day yesterday, until this morning, I was so angry with you. All you wanted to do was leave, but it was so unlike you. You broke my heart and for the first time in the whole of my life I wanted to shout at you.

Sweet, loveable, gentle, docile you.

I wanted to grab your shoulders and plead with you. I wanted to release the floodgate, banging the doors behind my eyes. I wanted to scream and cry and pitch a fit. I wanted to explode for the pain in my heart.

You are so tired. And that breaks my heart. How I want to ease your pain and bring you joy. I can't, but I want to. I know you are tired. I know you are done.

But you're not done.

I am so selfish! I want you to be here with me! I want you to meet whoever I marry. I want to know you approve of him.

I want you to meet whatever children the Lord blesses me with.

I want to talk books and big words with you. I want to talk about family history and geek out over names with you.

I know I'm being so incredibly selfish, but I still want you here.

But if you're ready, there's one thing I need to say:

If you're going to leave, I understand. I love you, I'm going to miss you, and I promise you I'm going to cry a lot, but do me one favor. Please, just one.

When you leave, be you. Be you when you go from here.

Do you remember who you are?

You're sassy but sweet. You like scrabble and novels and fresh picked figs. You like coffee infused water and gooey butter cake. You like things that grow and you always have plants in your windowsill. You like bird watching, wave watching, and 500 piece puzzles. You follow baseball, and basketball and a mired of other sports I didn't even realize.

You have the patience of a saint! You've endured 30+ years of excruciating pain with minimum complaint, and been the faithful, joyful wife of an ailing man. And the gentle, peaceful woman in the life of so many.

So when you go, please! Please be you! You've fought wars of loving a PTSD husband, crippling arthritis, a number of other minor and (semi)major surgeries...so when you go, please don't just wane to another war, you're a fighter, a soldier. When you go, go like you. Still be you. Leave the way you have done all things: with gentleness and strength; the kind I hope to one day attain. Stay the lady I love and admire so very much.

But for now, one last thing.

If it's ok with you, please stay.

The journey ahead: all that is new

So since I don't like the "media bombs" people sometimes drop, I thought I would give the world a proper update on me.

Well first things first, lets go back to January. Yikes, I know, January. And not just January, early January. I went to Atlanta with some friends for the Passion conference. It was an incredible weekend, and when I came home my parents informed me that the company my dad worked for was going under. Since my dad found out he began actively working towards a new job. Nothing was panning out the way we thought it should.

The story is full of lots of God ordained, beautiful details. The way that all the pieces fell into place was a work only He could have accomplished. Maybe someday I will get my parents to do a guest post so you can give God the glory He so deserves in all He did for them.

So all of that to say, long story short, after some conversations and a whole lot of prayer, my parents moved forward, and they are opening a gelato and espresso shop.

YIKES. Yay! What? Seriously?!

YES. To all of the above.

My parents are taking a terrifying leap of faith right into the arms of God. I'm proud of them. The timeline is all His, and we don't know when the shop will open, but it will open when God intends it- because nothing has happened unless He has intended for it to. He knows best in all things, the faith this is instilling is vital.

So where does this leave me? Back to January...

My career as a nanny was literally all over the place. I was working for a school teacher as my main job, and doing some part time childcare for some long time family friends. Their situation, however, was changing and they were needing something more consistent. I love the kids, love the parents, love the grandparents- it made sense. So I jumped in with two feet, and by February I had three kids under the age of three; all in (cloth) diapers. Three different schedules, two different families. It was me and three little people that needed me to remember that this one couldn't eat this and that this one has to go down at this time. I had to have this kids on a rigid schedule or something important would be forgotten. (like naps. more than once...) Their diaper changes were scheduled for Pete's sake. To say I was overwhelmed is to put it lightly. I was frazzled, burnt out, stressed out and exhausted. I had Irish triplets and no idea what to do with these three precious babies.

By April I was a literal mess. The Bible study I was "leading" was not getting my best. In fact they were just sort of getting my leftovers. I didn't like to say I was leading, I said I was "facilitating" because leading was too much responsibility. I guess I thought that if I called it something else and didn't put the work in, it would be ok. But it wasn't. By the middle of spring, the study had all but fallen apart. My help around the house was all but nonexistent, and my social life was certainly no better.

It all started adding up, the best way I knew to give something of quality to these other areas of my life was to take the energy from somewhere else. But as I have learned, when you spread yourself too thing, you run out of "you" to spread. When I finally realized that I was no longer giving my best to the babies, that they didn't have my full energy, creativity, and enjoyment, I knew something had to change. I loved them, but in order to survive, I had to have way to much of a schedule. Not that schedules are bad!!! I was just so locked into it, that none of us were enjoying it- me or the babies. So I gulped down the pride, and gave the family my notice. Can we please just get real for a second? This was one of the hardest things I have ever done. Those kids, those precious babies, meant and mean so much to me. My sassy girl and my capuchin monkey man. My kiddos. I loved them. I do love them. Letting them go, however, was the most loving thing I could do for them. They needed to be in their home, on a freer schedule, with someone who had the energy to dedicate to helping grow their creativity and curiosity. They needed something I could not be at this point in my life. So in May, I said good-bye as their nanny and returned to my place as long time family friend and occasional babysitter.

For like, a split second, life chilled out. It was kind of...smooth sailing. I should have known.

I felt like I was doing better with just the one little guy. My baby baby. I've had the kid since he was 2ish months old. He's going to be two soon. Which, isn't a ton of time, ok, I get it. But that's most of his life. I've walked this kid through hours of sleepless naps, argued over quinoa, and cuddled the teething crankies away. I got to help him learn how to walk, speak, learn his shapes and colors. I've been able to teach him signs, Spanish, counting and how to work a crowd (go on, ask him if he pooped his diaper. It's hilarious.)

Needless to say, I had no intention of quitting. I was going to keep my baby, work for my parents over the summer (working for the school teacher came quite handy at times like summer. And holidays.)  and come fall, when I went back full time for them, my parents' shop would be up and running enough, that me being there part time would be enough.

But remember that whole "God is controlling the timeline" thing? Yeah well, if my plan had panned out, my parents would have been open by now and all of ^that would have been fine. But as it is, they aren't even going to be open in the next four weeks. Since this is a "family owned and operated" and everyone else was not able to walk away from what they were doing in life, it was down to me. I was and am the only daughter that will be able to dedicate the kind of time they need.

If we're being totally honest, I knew I didn't want to nanny forever. I did not, however, anticipate leaving it so soon. And yet here I am: walking away from the only career I have ever known. My older sister is sending her baby to kindergarten this year. I would have loved to see my guy that far and then had a parting at such time. But our end came three years sooner.

I'm going to sound super Greek when I say this, but babies are all I have ever known, really. It is the only job I have ever really had.

So, after some prayer and council from my parents, today I took a giant leap of faith. I quit my job, the only job I have ever truly known, and have agreed to work for my parents (as a barista....so. there's that)

YIKES. Yay! What? Seriously?!

Yes. To all of the above.

If you asked me five years ago where I saw myself in five years, I wouldn't have said as a barista in my parents gelato shop. It's not what I imagined for me. To be honest, I've been pretty scared to dream. As totally downer as this sounds, dreams don't seem to pan out too well for me. So I stopped trying to hope for something, and just take each day, each new challenge as it comes. It reminds me of a quote I read, probably on Pinterest, "Maybe the plans God has for me are better than the plans I had for myself." Really it was when I let go, and stopped trying to rip into every door I saw, that the one I'm pretty sure I am supposed to walk through was placed right in front of me. A big neon sign blinking saying, "This is the One". I'm not just stepping into a new job- I am totally switching gears here. I can't wait to be around new people all day. Meeting them and getting to know them. Learning my regulars and learning their stories. I can't wait to be surrounded by the smell of coffee all day. I can't wait to get to be in such a unique and special place with my parents. Working full time, the three of us. I can't wait to see if this is a "reason or a season" (God will use it in my future, or what He will teach me through it...or both.)

I'm terrified, excited, nervous, sad, ready, and totally unprepared all at once. But one thing I guarantee:

I. Can't. Wait.

Dear GrandPa

Dear GrandPa,

You won't read this, and if you do, you won't know who I am. I think for me, that is the most difficult piece about all of this: we know you better than you know yourself.

I sat with you today, and smiled at your "grandpa-isms". It was a lovely afternoon. Thank you for that. I needed to sit with the man I loved and love so dearly. I sat then with happiness, but confess I now am writing through tears.

The last few days have made me consider in detail just why I'm so thankful for you. You may never read this, it will never matter to you, but it matters to me. I don't want to forget anything you have taught me.

1. Among my earliest memories are the homemade ice cream. An ability you have passed down the line. Pawpaw, you taught me to make ice cream. Thank you.
2. There is a famous story in our family about the time you broke your ankle and used it for two days anyways. So maybe this wasn't your best move, but Grandpa, you taught me to stay tough through painful things. Thank you.
3. You enlisted at 17 and fought bravely, at the sacrifice of your own mental and physical health. You taught me bravery. Thank you.
4. You have lead our whole family in a number of ways. You taught me leadership. Thank you.
5. You have talked always with love and fear of our God. You taught me to love Him. Thank you.
6. You have loved on and honored your darling since the day you met her. You have taught me how marriage should look. Thank you.
7. You are known for your clever one liners, and little rhymes. They're cheesy and silly and give hilarious tidbits of "advice" clothed in humor. You taught me to laugh. Thank you.
8. No elbows on the table, bow your head when you pray, stand when your grandmother needs a seat. You taught me respect. Thank you.
9. You find faces in trees, and trees in the clouds. You taught me to be creative. Thank you.
10. You always asked about my school or my work, depending. You taught me to take an interest in the life of others. Thank you.
11. As I got older, things started changing. You and Mamaw needed more help, and for a time I would clean your house with you. You taught me how to serve. Thank you.
12. You whistle all the time. Everywhere, anywhere. You taught me to find and love music and pretty sounds. Thank you.
13. You go back for thirds and fourths on dessert, you play with our hair, and mimic us when we make girly sounds. You taught me how to enjoy the little things. Thank you.
14. You took our family on vacation many times. You taught me generosity. Thank you.
15. "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. If you don't succeed again, you may be sucking on a seedless orange." You taught me to walk away from doors when they don't open. Thank you.
16. You started asking questions a lot, repeatedly. You didn't mean to, but you taught me how to answer each question as if it was the first time I was asked. You taught me joyful patience. Thank you.
17. You were shivering and miserable today, so I got down on my knees to put on a second pair of socks for you. Grandpa, you taught me to be humble.

Thank you for teaching me so much Grandpa. Thank you for letting me serve you today. I'm honored, truly, to be in your family. I love you Grandpa!

Wanting more than just stuff

"The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want."

I shall not want. 

I shall not want, but I do want. I want things fiercely sometimes. I don't always want bad things, in fact quite the opposite. Except for wanting Netflix to not fall under laziness, but....

Shocker alert blogging world, I want to get married! There, the 21 year old freak has written it out in plain, bold letters! (Quite a feat too, since I'm writing in bed from my iPad.) I want to marry a Godly, strong, man. I want to learn the ins and outs, the sacrifices and the blessings of love. To experience love past roses and sweet nothings. To get into the messy part of loving someone when the job doesn't work out, or the apartment is too small or its banana sandwiches for the third night that week. I want to walk through life with that one man that I pray the Lord is preparing me for.  

I want to get married and I want to have babies. (My word the freak is bold today!) Lots and lots of babies. Babies I carry in my womb and babies I carry in my heart until I can hold them in my arms. I believe strongly in marriage, procreation, and adoption. Can you tell? I want to raise those babies to love the Lord and to love people. I want to teach them everything they need to know. But I want to learn everything I need to know to teach them...and that scares me. I want to be prepared for them, so don't let them down. I want to be a good mommy to them. 

I want to get married, have babies, and I want to be involved in ministry. This is a long standing dream. It's changed in the specifics over the years but the underlying goal has always been the same: to love on people that may be called "the least of these". The poor, the illiterate, the prostitutes, the homeless, the orphans, the alien, and the widow. I want to show them love and do life with people who have been stripped of liveliness. I want to serve people who have been slaves to the world and the minority in the system of culture. 

I don't want bad things. I do want selfish things. I want to be prettier, skinnier, healthier, funnier, to have a more contagious personality. And none of these things are bad. 

But these things, the selfish and the holy, are what I want. 

Me. 

Flawed. Sinner. Wretched me. And I shall not want. The "want" I understand the Psalmist to be talking about, is exactly all the want I've described. 

But here's the thing, more than the way I want my life to go though, I want to be lovely. To be lovely in the way my Saviour is lovely. To be beautiful in the way my Creator is beautiful. To be caring in the way my Rescuer is caring. To be gentle in the way my Shepherd is gentle. And to lead as graciously as my Lord leads. I want to want the things of the Lord more than I want the dream I have built. I want to be desperate for His Word. I want to long for it with every fiber of my being and with every breath that fills my lungs. 

I want to want, only for the Heart of the Most High. And I'm not there yet. 

But this thing, I believe, is a good thing to want!

New happenings

Well hello blog! Whilst I have neglected any personal update, much has happened. I have talked about finally plugging into a church, and what a balm to my soul that has been. Feeling like I'm finally "home" in a sense has been a feeling I never thought I would have.

We have also had a number of exciting additions to the family!




 
 
In May, this little lady was born to my oldest sister! After three boys, having a girl around has been very different already! Its been fun getting to see more and more of her personality and getting to know her sassiness! (Which I like to think I gave her) She is a darling girl and we are so blessed to have her in our family!













We had another very exciting addition just a few weeks after this Miss made her arrival! I shall spur my sister on to a new blog post soon, and I will allow her the details of her beautiful love story, but in the meantime, my sideline view has been a privileged front row seat. At just the right time, the Father saw fit to bring "Mr. Right" into her life. It has been a joy to watch her love and be loved in a right and caring way. He is already such a part of our family, the receiver of many nicknames, and making jokes at my expense! He fits so well, and has been such a blessing to my sister!





The newest member of our family came just two weeks ago today! My second oldest sister welcomed her first son, and we are all SMITTEN! This is the fuzziest, sweetest, chillest little dude I have ever seen! Every time I look at him, I feel like my heart is going to explode. He is precious and perfect in every way. Four nephews and one niece into this family, a new one never ceases to bring so much joy and excitement into our lives! We love him soooo much and are thrilled to have these two babies joining us on the family beach trip coming up! (We're also especially glad, because this guy wasn't due until the 28th!)




That's pretty much the fast track of life since the last personal post! And don't worry, I won't wait this long again! :)

-Mal

 

An Open Letter to the Church

Dear Church,

First and foremost, when I write the Church, I am essentially writing myself as well. So anything I say can and should apply to me as well.

This said, let me be as honest and transparent as I can be.

My heart aches at the state in which we currently find ourselves. This is a general assessment, because in the last two years, the Lord has led me through a number of different churches. A Baptist church, a Spanish church(also Baptist), a community church, a Calvary chapel, a traditional Baptist church, and most recently a nondenominational congregation.

Although some of these were one week visits, I still see it; in some more than others. But I see it nonetheless.

For some context, let me share where I'm coming from by way of a few verses:

"...let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near." (Hebrews 10:24&25)

"So those who received his word were baptized, and there were added that day about three thousand souls. And they devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching and the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and the prayers." (Acts 2:21&22)

Do you see it?

Fellowship. Encouragement. Sharing meals(breaking of bread). Meeting together.

(source)

Oh church, where is this?

Where is the deep connection to one another in Christ? And why has it been passed up for a quick "I'll pray for you" and busy schedule. What on earth are we doing that is so much more important?

We allow things we say are "necessary" to rule our lives, and then we want to jump into some kind of neighborhood ministry with practical strangers.

How can you expect to minister to nonbelievers with people you don't know? I find this illogical. We're abandoning Christian fellowship for empty relationships in the name of "ministering to them". If we are ministering alone, we already aren't following a Biblical model, nor are we following the example set by Christ himself.

Why have we stopped ministering to each other? Think about this with me, as a Christian, individuals need to know that the community of believers is still around them.

This has not been the case for me in recent years.

I'm not saying that I've been abandoned by the church, as some feel they have been, but I am saying, I see no evident community.

No investment in one another. No joy in doing life together. No real relationship.

Church, why is this the case? Why are we no longer being the network of believers designed by Christ? Why is our answer to "how are you?" always "I'm good!" And why, when someone does decide to be honest, and share "I'm struggling" are we so irritated? Because we're so busy we don't want to deal with someone else's problems.

Church! This isn't Biblical! We're called to listen and minister when someone is struggling! That's what it means to "bear one another's burdens" (and so fulfill the law of Christ Galatians 6:2). But we've built up such a shell of busy, busy, busy, that we are scared to share. We overthink, "what will people think if I was really honest?" This ought not be. But it is. Why? Why have we let ourselves come to this place?

Church, if we are not encouraging one another, building one another up, teaching and training one another, I dare say even admonishing one another, how do we think we can be Christ to others unless we are Christ to each other? This is the family. If it's not right in here, it can't be right out there.

Church, seek the Lord in all we do- and we will be doing His will. And when we do His will- we bring glory to His name.

Signed,
A member of the Church

Exciting Announcements!

Well this has most definitely been a season of change in my life. Gladly, its been mostly good changes including a new house and job.

My new "job" is getting to nanny this sweetie pie! He's about two months old and absolutely precious! I call him my little Bear, not because he's grouchy, he isn't! He's just like a cuddly little teddy bear! I'm starting out part time, since his mom hasn't gone back to work yet, but once she does I will be his full time nanny. He's been such a pleasure to get to know, and because of him, I have now mastered the art of cloth diapers!

In other news, I am going to be an auntie again!!! In May 2015, Baby Pepino will join us! This was very exciting news to hear, and we are all looking forward to meeting this little one! Girl or boy, we are always so excited to hear of another one coming! :) Read all about my sister's life with her three boys and being pregnant with #4 here.

And lastly but defiantly not most important is my birthday next week. On Sunday, mom has lovingly planned a family get together! We have been on a 30 day detox, (which my other sister has been faithfully blogging through) and in short, you can have meat, fruits and veggies. And that's about it. So we've all been wanting lots of what we can't have, and the main thing has been pizza! So on Sunday, we are having pizza! Cheesy, breaded pizza!

Then on Wednesday, we're headed to my sister's house for her doctor's appointment. Its kind of been our tradition to go and watch the boys so she can go. But this one will be an ultrasound so I'm excited!  That night we're going to Peruvian for my birthday dinner with just mom and dad and the sisters here at home.

Then on Saturday after, I've got some of my friends coming over. Not a big deal, just four friends to come hang out and celebrate with me.

Well that's it for announcements! :)

I'm so behind

You know those times in life when something really matters to you and you just can't do it right then, and then it never gets done? Yeah well it has taken a stomach bug roaring its ugly head through my whole family for me to sit down and write this post. But this kid matters just the same to me.

I like to have like that one thing that I associate with each of my nephews. I find it important. For the oldest...its "ninja" school. We spar and kick and enjoy carrying on. Its my thing with him. As for the younger two, we haven't quite gotten  there. But there is this one thing, that I can think of that I just smile all over my body when it comes to #2.

See, in May of 2011, for the first time in my life, I lost someone dear and precious to me. I felt like everything was dark and heavy. But not a full two months later, God gave my family a gift. A tiny, wrinkled baby that lit up my world. He was the sunshine I needed right then. And I was so very thankful for God's timing.

Well on July 2, that little Sunshine turned three! We headed north on Sunday to celebrate him, and to this day, he is that gift of the summer.

The birthday boy and I at his "blue" party! :) When did he get so big??

Coming soon....

I am pleased to announce that in the next few days and weeks, we will be starting a family blog! It is underway now and will be published soon! :)

tia on duty

First off, I'm sorry for my month of silence. Between getting the house ready and having it ready for showings, I've hardly touched my laptop. In fact, this is the first time in probably a month that I am sitting down to use it at all. (aside from cutting on music, and that, well lets get real, hardly counts.)

Now onto life as I (currently) know it...I am presently at my sister's house! It was a two-way favor, see. They needed a sitter for an event, and I needed some time away. So in return for a babysitter, they are letting me stay a few days, and I am loving every second with these guys!

Those of you who read my blog at all, know that I come from what is culturally accepted as a "large" family. With four sisters(just on this side of the family) and three nephews, it can be difficult to get one-on-one time, as they are often the most popular attendees at family functions.

But here I am. The only tia for miles. The one for who's attention they are pining. Every little thing they do, from "look at this stick" to "watch me jump off this wall," the comment I hear squealed out of their little mouths is "Yonnie look!!"

The one recently got glasses and is starting to read, another finding his voice and learning to communicate his opinion and the other is in the early stages of learning to walk. Each of them so different. Their own person. They all have likes, and dislikes. Each a voice and face of their own. Each precious and lovely to me. One look. One word. And this tia is melting at their beck and call.

But, even if I would give them the world if they asked, I've found myself in a difficult position.

Three such different guys. Three little people. Three love languages. Three ages. Three names. Three behaviour patterns. Three personalities.

And only. One. Me. No other aunts, uncles, grandparents or anyone else to help make sure each child felt important.

Oh how desperately I want each of them to feel loved and cherished and important! For them to be able to look back and to say "My aunt took time for me. She listened. She loved me."

I have quickly found myself tuning out the copious amounts of noise; turning a deaf ear whatever unidentifiable sound is coming from the back seat or other room; and unfortunately even snapping when they weren't listening to "gentle" instruction.

But while I was here alone, I had this revelation of common knowledge dawn on me: it goes too fast. I looked around and man, I told my sister the mess would have made a nun swear because it had gotten that bad that fast. I won't even go into detail about the mess, the baby has been just off for two days and appears to be getting sick, so he was clingy and fussy. The older two were absolutely wound! They had enough energy to demote the energizer bunny. I didn't even feel stressed about the chaos I had allow to descend on the house, and before I knew it, #2 was asking me what I was singing.

Singing?

Yep. Singing. You guys have got to believe me...it took me an hour and a half to clean up after I put the kids down. And I didn't even care. I enjoyed cleaning up. Because I knew that I had spent time with the little boys who so dearly love me and are glad that I am here with them.

The cake that in my mind was total bust was a little sliver of heavenly sweetness to them. They didn't care that my hair was messy or that my outfit totally clashed. They don't care if I have eloquent speech or use fancy words. It does not impress them when I sing or speak Spanish. They won't remember those things.

The mess remained until they were down. But we had fun. We played games and laughed and just enjoyed being tia and nephews. We sang lullabies and quoted Bible verses together. And it turned out to be a lovely night. I wouldn't change one single thing about it.

So now here it is. 12:30am. I'm sitting in a clean house. With happy sleeping boys upstairs. And I am perfectly pleased to know, I was able to let it all go to be the tia on duty. The one that hears their stories, adventures, and complaints. To hold them when mommy's hand are full. To love them through rough patches. And to rejoice when they conqueror something great. But I will say, I'm glad I am not the only tia all the time. This is a tough job for one gal! ;)

May Flowers

May is hard month for me. It has been for a few years.

May first became a month of difficulty three years ago when I said good-bye to someone for the first time. I don't mean good-bye like someone was moving, or to an elderly relative that I didn't really know. I mean, that I stood by the side of a friend, my age, who was ending his battle with cancer. "Emotional" doesn't even begin to describe me during the weeks that followed. I remember getting the news that he was gone and collapsing on the kitchen floor. I had never prayed so hard, and never been so devastated.

Also understand, I was sixteen. I am an overly emotional person. And this was a new experience. Everything felt so huge; I had no idea how to deal with it. So, for an entire year, I wrote him letters. I spoke at his funeral, and was honoured to do so, but it was probably one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.

If you read this post, you can read more about the second reason May is hard.

My Cinco de Mayo nephew is waiting for me. I can't wait to meet him.

Sometimes it feels like, there are still showers in May, and that it's still sort of dark. But I like to think that I just have a few waiting May flowers waiting. And I can't wait to see them in full bloom.

feeling insane

There's a whole lot I have wanted to say, and I quite simply have not had the time to say, well any of it. I had an Easter post stirring in my head, as well as a number of others and I just haven't had the time to sit down and type it up.

I will sincerely hope to post this week, but don't count on it cos, WE'RE MOVING.

Ok so, we're not moving this week, but we are getting the house ready to go on the market. Which means like, all day projects; neck deep in closets, and attics and other many dark and crowded places.

Good thing: We are getting rid of SO MUCH old and useless junk! I know the foundation of this house is very happy to lose a few pounds.

Bad thing: It takes a very. Very. VERY long time to go through each of these dark places. Like. So long. So it's been maybe two weeks of hot and heavy work. And we have yet to do the big attic. Kind of not looking forward to that.

I pretty much hate the whole idea of an attic anyways. Like, "oh here's an idea. Let's make a (common) room in homes, where there is a giant HOLE in the middle of the floor, and anytime people have to use said room, they have to maneuver heavy items without falling into it!" Hm. Let me guess...it started as a practical joke and then became a trend. Like every other horrible idea...

So anyways. Still have the attic and several other projects like ripping up twenty year old carpet and patching up damaged walls. Didn't realize how much you beat up a house till you have to fix it...goodness.

Anyways that's just a glimpse into my life. But its to bed with me cos my allergies decided to absolutely HATE me this year. And I feel pretty horrid right now. My vaporizer is already going (Vics has been a must the past two nights) and my night meds are starting to draw my eyelids down. Lovely.

Happy Easter, and as I learned today, Feliz Pascua! :)

~Mal

Happy Birthday to a Treasure

As one of the most influential persons in any family, mother's should be celebrated whenever possible. They should be cherished and honoured at all times. I confess that I do a sorry job displaying this conviction, but here we are on my own mom's birthday, and I'm looking to give her a place of honour here on my blog.

So readers, I give you, my mother:

My mom has been my biggest/most influential:
teacher, trainer, support, cheerleader, mentor, and the most abundant holder of wisdom. When I think well enough to quit flappin' my jaws, I find that she has some very good truths to share, and I learn so much from her. I'll bet she doesn't know this, but I learn more from her, when she's not even trying to teach me. Her testimony is how I have learned how to act and react. By watching her, I have learned to mirror her behavior, as many kids have their moms in the past. I am only so very thankful that my mom is a woman of character. When I think of my mom and her testimony, I think of Proverbs 31:23:
 
"Her husband is known at the city gates
        when he sits with the leaders of the land."

Out of all the verses in the most famous passage on women in the whole Bible, why this one?  

Because my mother does this well. 

As is natural with any relationship, not just including but especially marriage relationships; one or both parties may get irritated, frustrated and dare I say even angry. But my mom, never talks bad about my dad. She never gossips about what she's irritated with, never complains about what he left our or put away wrong. Never talks down about him. Instead she'll laugh things off with comments like "oh that's just your daddy!" And with a smile, she goes about taking care of what needs to be done. My mom honours her husband all the days of her life, and this has been the biggest lesson to me. So obvious with how she loves him. And it truly does flow over into the reputation of my dad.(His birthday is later this week, so more on him later! :) But people love him! Like, absolutely adore him. And I think, in addition to my dad's amazing personality, is his perfect-for-him helpmeet, paving honour before him. I believe that partly why people love him so much is because my mom has talked about him with honour, love, and respect. A man so loved must surely be worth it, and because of my mom's way with words, when people are around my dad there's a foundation of respect for him, that my mom has laid. And it has built in me a deep respect for him. I take my cues from my mom and learn everyday how better to do it.

I can come up with a million more reasons why my mom is cooler, more awesome, special, and all around more fabulous than all the others, but that list could go on forever. 

All of this was just to say to my mom, a very special, wonderful lady, happy birthday! No woman deserved to be more honored on her birthday than you! I can think of no more appropriate blessing than this:

^"The Lord bless you, and keep you;

The Lord make His face shine on you,
And be gracious to you;

The Lord lift up His countenance on you,
And give you peace." (Numbers 6:24-23) 

Love, 

Your one and only Snooks

The story of a boy who changed my world.

Yes. I was 100% sure I wanted to meet him. But I was nervous. I wanted him to like me. I thought "I'll do anything to make him happy." And the moment I saw him, I knew I was right. The moment I laid eyes on him, this love I never knew I possessed welled up within me and it hasn't gone away since. Instead, it increases. Every. Single. Day. Every time he looks at me and grins, I think I'm going to melt into a puddle on the floor. He has no idea that he has this power over me, but one little kiss, and I cave. This boy literally changed my whole world. Do you want to meet him? Well let me tell you the story. I promise, it's worth the read.

On March 28, 2009, at 8:23 P.M., this red, wrinkly little guy flipped my whole world upside down. 

 

I walked into the room just an hour or so after my sister had given birth to him. And there he was, laying in that plastic bassinet screaming his little fuzzy head off. But it was the sweetest screams I have ever heard. The scream that signaled: I was an aunt! 

Every day since that moment has been a walk on the wild side, as that tiny human became more and more of a person of personality.

Tell me to imagine one more day without him, and I can't. You wouldn't be able to either if this was the face you fell in love with.

Every day I get to spend with this crazy little boy is an adventure.

I love every face you have.

Every mess you make.

Every time you cuddle.

Every silly "Bubbyism"

Yes you dapper little gentleman, I love you head to toe. Every little thing about you. I think I will keep you. Thank you for letting me be your tia. You mean the world to me, and I love getting to love you! Sweet guy, YOU ARE THE BESTEST, WHOLE HAND OLD GUY!

Dear nephew, may God bless you today as you celebrate all things YOU! I pray your heart continues to be as tender and sensitive as it is now. The Lord has many big things in store for you. And know that as you embark on each journey, you have a slew of family being your prayer warriors. I love you SO much Fluffy! Happy birthday, Little Mister!
~Love Tia Squishy


Joshua 1:5, 9:
"No one will be able to withstand you as long as you live. Just as I was with Moshe, so I will be with you. I will neither fail you nor abandon you...Haven’t I ordered you, ‘Be strong, be bold’? So don’t be afraid or downhearted, because Adonai your God is with you wherever you go.”

Happy Birthday! (Lots in Feb.!)

Dear AH,

While browsing photos of us, I couldn't help but find this one particularly interesting to me. None of the others seemed to sum you and I up quite so well. And, your face is slightly adorable. So I had to chose this one! :)

Well AH, ITS YO BIRTHDAY! :) I hope you have felt loved, and blessed, and cherished and celebrated to all heights this weekend! Its been fun doting on you, because you're so easy to dote on!

Hottie, I love you very much! And I am so thankful that I get to have you as an example in my life. I learn so much from you every single day: how to be an adult daughter, what to do with a screaming baby, how to clean the fan blades, how to make tutus. You teach me how to be tender to the Father, and how to make sure mom and dad have my heart. You teach me what it means to love with out question, and how to give of yourself, and then keep giving. You've taught me the grace of keeping my mouth shut, and my hands open. You have taught me how to laugh at mistakes and dance like a white girl. You've taught me how to share my heart (Carazon a carazon? :)) and how to trust the right people.

You are my best friend...and I get to have you as a sister...AND a sister in Christ?! How did I get to be so blessed??


Happy birthday my beautiful sister!

Que Dios te bendiga mi hermana amada, hoy, y mañana, y siempre!

~MW

15 facts Friday

Why not, ya know?

1. I have four sisters, and our ages spans 17 years. We got the best looks when Little was born! :) 
2. I recently became ESL certified(English as a second language) and have class of Spanish speakers I co-teach with my sister, AH.
3. I still don't have my license(and I turn 20 this year).
4. My favorite hoodie is a hand-me-down from my brother-in-law. 
5. My dad, second born nephew, and myself all share a middle name. (As well as several distant family members.) 
6. In continuation of the last fact, only one other female in the family also has it(as far as I am aware at least). 
7. I am the first of my immediate family to have been 100% home-educated. My older sister went to pre-K and I pride myself on never having received alternate education ;)
8. I have never traveled out of the country, but I hope to go to Costa Rica, Puerto Rico, or El Salvador soon! (These are just the first places on my list :)
9. Both of my grandma's were able to be in the delivery room when I was born, and my dad's mom actually named me!
10. For my birthday, my parents gave me a queen sized bed; however I still sleep to one edge of it as if it were my old twin bed. I'm slowly working my way to the middle!
11. My favorite Disney princess/movies are: Mulan, Beauty and the Beast, and Tangled. For my 16th birthday, my parents got me the special edition of B&B, per my request.
12. Although I love a good romance novel, my most read and enjoyed authors are Ted Dekker and Frank Peretti. (Christian thriller/horror) 
13. I'm not much of an animal person, but I one day hope to own three dogs: A basset hound, a blood hound, and a beagle. 
14. I have visited Philadelphia three times and LOVE it! (Not being punny...)
15. And last and definitely not most important, I am the only Android user in my family. Everyone else either has dumb phones...or Iphones! O.o

All spiffed up!

Due to recent snow days, I have had time to work on my blog! It looks great doesn't it?? But trust me, it didn't get this fabulous because I'm good at blog design; my sister has quite the knack for it and helped design my new blog.

At 19, I wanted something just slightly less juvenile than I had, and I wanted it far from boring. Because I am the adult that lives simply. And by simply I mean I still have fun like a teenager; hence my header "looks 23, acts 17".  Now, by "17" I don't mean flamboyant and boisterous, loud and obnoxious, or flirtations and immature(not that all 17 year olds are this way). I mean simply, in that I don't take life half as seriously as most adults. I pay bills, have a job, and have to deal with contracts with employers, taking care of house and a baby(since I'm a nanny), and maintain my personal life. I don't have it "easy". I have it normal. But its not a drudgery, its an adventure. I had a younger friend encourage me in finding everything I do as an act of worship, and let me tell you, I now look forward to doing the morning dishes.

Sorry for that little bunny trail, and I'll get off my soapbox. AAAAAALLL that to say is, I wanted something that combined my fun-loving nature, and fact of being a young adult. So gone is the pink paisley, and now we have a much simpler, and still quite fun cardboard and arrow themed blog! :)

Hope you all enjoy reading on a much cleaner background!

~M

A year in Review:

This has been one of those years, where I look back on it, and I have one thought: "I wouldn't trade it, but God, please never give it to me again!"

This year, like any, had its ups and downs. But I feel like these were on the dramatic/big side and thus felt like I've been on a roller coaster for the past 12 months. So hitting the big stuff:

(A snapshot from January)

January: If you recall this post, my year started off kind of rocky. By my own choices I found myself in the slumps by January. People talk about the new year as a "starting over" time, but I had never experienced it quite like this. In addition to starting off a little rocky, it was my final semester of school. I had worried my brain for months about finishing school and finding a job or taking classes and not being sure what was next, so January was bitter sweet. I went on my final youth retreat, and honestly, I don't remember much of it.

February: In February we journeyed to DC for AH's birthday. I enjoy trave

(DC birthday excursion)

ling a lot, so this was my highlight this month! We did a lot of walking around and eating of some amazing food! (Panas was the best for me!)The Little also had a birthday and turned 12, making me feel ancient.

March: Not a whole lot happened in March, except for the only "big" snow, EP's first anniversary and my oldest nephew's fourth birthday.

However, April began the busy season for me, and I feel like maybe that hasn't stopp

(Me and the birthday boy from March)

ed yet! My third nephew made his grand entrance into the world! How much love you can have for such a little person never ceases to amaze me! Also, I got the privilege of traveling to Philadelphia with the student pastor, his wife and one other student who just happens to be a good pal of mine. It was a unique experience to say the least. We kind of went as a "prep" trip for the missions trip that we took in June. We got to meet the pastor we'd be working with and see the church and area ahead of time, as well as tour the area we'd be staying in. The student pastor and his wife are from the area so they took us around to some of their favorite places, and it was fun seeing a local's point of view without a large group to tote around. I enjoyed the quality time with just a few others.

(Graduation with Ginger)

May: This was when things really started getting busy for me! I graduated in May! (Along side one of my dear friends! Which was such a blessing, since neither of us wanted to have the spotlight all to ourselves, and we had talked about this for years, both being homeschooled! :) After graduation, I spent a week back in DC with my sister's family. It was nice to get away from the norm and spend the extra time with her and my nephews! Only a few days later, I went to the beach with some friends. It's been kind of a tradition in my church for the juniors and seniors to get away for a few days towards the end of the school year. So off we went. I was a lobster. On a more solemn note, we lost a nephew to heaven this month. All that love you build up for a person and not meeting them. The suspense of waiting for Heaven to hold the little one is hard. It was not a fun or easy thing to pack on to such a busy time already. Although the season may have been busy, my Angel nephew is not forgotten and little Enoch Barnett, my other nephews and brothers are all waiting for us.

(Philadelphia skyline)

(Quince Princess)

In June I went back to Philadelphia for the missions trip and honestly, I love this city so much! In this month was one of the coolest and most special things I've ever done. Both DC and Philadelphia are special to me, for different reasons. The earlier part of June held a different, cool and amazing experience for me. One of my dear friends celebrated her 15th birthday. Although she was born here, she is El Salvadorean and had a traditional quinceañera. She had a big princess dress and a few of the traditional tokens or ceremonies of a quince. However, since she is a believer, she chose not to do a lot of them; she just chose a few that were special to her, instead of the extensive ceremony. We also have a large homeschool convention that we attend every June and the past several years I've volunteered in the children's program. It's about 22 hours of volunteer service, all said and done. And I love it! This past year especially I got to know a handful of girls that I've kept in fairly good contact with (facebook is good for this, as well as instagram).

(4th of July with the sisters)

By July I was somewhat worn out from a whirlwind two months that proceeded it. I was thankful for what felt like at the time, a dramatic halt in life. We had our one or two fourth of July celebrations and celebrated my nephew's second birthday. Other than that July was slower-paced for the most part.

August was much fuller. I went roller skating for the first time in YEARS! It was an absolute blast! I also sang with the Spanish church for a community event, finished my time with my youth group, went on a weekend conference with AH and spent a weekend at a friend's house with a few other girls. The five of us are pretty good friends, and all homeschooled. We range in ages from 15 to 19 and enjoy being together. My grandfather got really sick, and we stepped up our involvement with them. In pleasant weather, I go over once every other week and mow for them and my cousin cleans indoors.

(sibling picture from the beach, 2013)

The end of August/beginning of September came biting with a brain tumor. A unpleasant experience to the max. God's hand was seen all throughout it, though, and even still we can see how He worked; at the time it was little things, and looking back, bigger things. God has chosen to heal J this side of heaven and for that we are SO thankful! (You can read J's journey here) He is now undergoing radiation treatments and is halfway done! The hope is that the radiation kills off anything that was leftover after his second surgery and he will be officially cancer free. Keep praying for the Father to be glorified! Along with this, my family's yearly vacation had been planned for just days after his first surgery, and since there was a lot invested in the trip and enough people at home to take care of him, we went ahead and went. It was nice to be away for a while. When we got home we jumped in with two feet. Life was crazy, far from normal, and working forward with incredible speeds. The Little started 7th grade, and AH began homeschooling Yenny (who's quince we celebrated). "Madhouse" doesn't even begin to describe life at this point!

(My birthday dessert)

(Yenny, the Little and I "planning" fundraising)

In addition to being here for school, Yenny and I felt very burdened to help raise some funds for J. So when October rolled around we had our first two fundraisers! The first one we had nothing to do with, save Yenny singing. We held a benefit concert and raised far more than any of us had expected. A few short, crazy weeks later we had event #2 and held a dinner. (Too many people trying to plan! :) Oh well, both were blessed events!) In the weeks in between the two, Yenny and I (along with LOADS of help from other adults) spent a lot of time seeking donations from local businesses and even some bigger stores like Kroger) also, my family went apple picking and spent a day in the mountains. This was very nice and felt a bit like the calm before the storm! I also began nannying! Crazy month! But all too quickly, October drew to a close and I celebrated my 19th birthday! My sister made me lomo saltado (a Peruvian dish) and my mom made me these tasty little raspberry chocolate tarts. DELICIOUS.

(Gettysburg with the fam)

November rolled around and it was a bit of "big event let down". All of the sudden everything I had spent my whole month pouring into was over. I got to go to a Chris Tomlin concert with my oldest sister, her husband and their oldest. It was a blast! Later on we traveled to Pennsylvania for a weekend in Gettysburg and I got some bangs to change up my look a littl
e. Towards the end of the month things got a little busy again with Thanksgiving, Black Friday (an actual event in my house), and a surprise birthday party for my oldest sister. This was one of the best/coolest Thanksgivings ever! I loved every second of the weekend!

(FINALLY!)

Although December is a fairly busy season, I didn't go to any Christmas parties or events this year. Even though I always look forward to it, I was thankful for my evenings to be mostly at home. I enjoyed family time in the Bible leading up to the birth of Christ, and making an ornament for different key events along the way. I did, however, get to meet up with a friend that I have been talking to via social media for over two years. She's moved closer to me, and so we've already enjoyed a closer-distance friendship!

That brings me up
to this week. We spent Christmas morning here at home with just us five. We were then joined by EP and MrP. And a little later on for brunch by my mom's family. In the afternoon we had Christmas with Dad's side of the family and then we left Thursday morning to spend the weekend with Meg and her family. It was nice, overall, even if somewhat chaotic.

To look back on the year is both good and odd to me. I started this post, almost with a "WOE is me" attitude, thinking "Oh SO much has happened!" And a lot has, but not nearly as much as I thought had. It feels like a lot, and of course there are things I chose not to make public that will stay in my heart to ponder. However overall, God was with me through all the ups, downs, ins and outs of my year, and for it I now look at the year and can say "Its ok." Am I making any sense??? :)

Merry Christmas from the Sibs at National Harbor!

God has brought me a loooong way since last December, and for that I am most thankful. I'll just briefly say a few things He's taught me:

~To trust Him, and His unfailing will. No matter what circumstances I face.
~We often see our circumstances with a very distorted view of flawed human analysis, seeing things as far worse than they really are.
~God has my parents as my parents for my benefit, and to talk to them is a greater blessing than I had ever imagined possible before this year.
~The Father works ALL things together for the good of those who LOVE Him!

May each of you have a blessed NEW YEAR with all things bright and new!

Blessings to each of you!

~Mal