transparency on singleness

I don't always feel transparent, or like I can just talk about how I feel or the thoughts I have running around in my mind, but today, I do. I feel terribly transparent.

At this moment I'm thinking the idea of using a laptop is far more romantic than actually using one. You know, the cute picture of the beautiful gal with her messy do and sweat pants lounging on a couch with her husband sitting by her feet, reading a book. She's got the lap top on her knees and she's probably writing something far more profound on her blog than I am on mine. But here I am. Sitting upright on my bed, typing. Because laying down hurts my neck after a while, and for those of us who wear glasses, having the lap top on your belly or knees while you lounge, is no option. There is no husband reading his novel aloud to me, just the leftover noise from the TV down the hall wafting towards my room, and the sound of my nails on the keyboard.

I'm also thinking how creepy it is that Netflix learns allll about you.

I have been trying to write about Halloween, but I'm not thinking about Halloween. My thoughts are somewhere else all together.

While wading through my thoughts, I kept coming upon one in particular. Not quite the monster in the closet, but by far not the most pleasant thing to deal with. And the truth is, I come in contact with this almost daily, though some days it looks different than others. Its sort of a "thing" that some people just carry around. Bloggers from every walk of life have written about it. And now it's my turn. Read if you want to. Or don't. Share if you agree. Leave a comment with your feedback. I don't really care.

I'm going to write about it, because all though my identity is in Christ, there are things that are stuck on us. And this is one of those labels that I have had stuck on me, and it haunts. Not just me, but most people with it.

I'm talking about singleness.

Now, at 20 this really isn't something that should bother me a whole lot but it does. So I'm writing about it.

Don't tell me it's a gift, cos its not. Don't tell me to love it, cos I don't. Don't tell me its what God intended, cos it isn't. Don't tell me that I'm "free to do my thing right now" cos that's not what it's about.

I've read and heard of article after article telling me to "embrace it!" to "love it" and to "enjoy it" and yet nowhere in scripture do I see that. Paul talks fairly openly about his views on marriage (1 Corinthians 7 tends to be the "passage to support singleness") But if you note (at lease I find this true in the ESV) he says "the Lord, not I says..." when he is giving commands on marriage. Its obvious that his desire for singleness is not a God-given command. And there are men I know, serving in parts of this world, and able to dedicate their lives to their work, because they do not have the obligation of being a husband too. So I understand completely why this God-inspired passage is a passage in our Bibles, but I do think that the Christian community has abused it to fit the agenda of singleness.

This is my honest attempt to debunk some of the lies of singleness that we have created and believed. We have become calloused to somethings, and its high time for a call back to God's purpose for His people. In an attempt to be sensitive to single people, we have created a safety zone that has become a banner of singleness for Christians. If you want to hear my thoughts, read on! :)

1) Singleness is a plague to some, and a gift to others:
I see how people can kind of fall to either side of this. For some, their life's work does not permit marriage as an option. God has blessed them with the gift of singleness, to serve Himself in a way they can best do single. But to others, it is a thing we so long and desire, and yet do not want to come off as needy, pushy, or even sin in our desire for it.


2) The church as helped singles "cope" with being single by making the single life the superior lifestyle: As aforementioned, singleness has been quite the hot topic of blogs, books and conferences recently. In an effort to comfort those hurting over being single, the whole idea of single-hood has lost its comfort aspect, and become a glorified thing. Its gone so far to that extreme, that now we have people intentionally waiting a long time to get serious in a relationship; Christian men and women waiting for marriage to pursue careers and other interests long before thinking about marriage.

Which leads me to...


3) Careers, not marraige have become the object for which to strive: It used to be the men who did the going, and the women who did the staying(work and home). Some people call it "sweet" others call it "ideal" and still others will call it "old-fashioned"(old fashioned is nice compared to some of what I've heard) but the idea of a woman being a homemaker, and the man being the breadwinner is all but forgotten. It doesn't matter who is bringing home the bacon, as long as someone is, everyone is happy. Now, this is not a post to get nitty-gritty on gender roles, and the family. But the cultural shift of gender roles, has especially affected the young people of this generation. Young people are no longer looking for a soul mate to raise a Godly family with, we are instead being enticed by the next rung of the corporate latter, the higher degree, or the next money making opportunity.

4) Singleness has desensitized us to the commands of God by becoming a glorified lifestyle: People are outright choosing not to get married. It bothers me, because it is throwing off the balance of things. Ever since the Garden, God has had a plan, a patter if you will. It started with the first two beings on earth: One man, one woman, and the commands: work the earth, and be fruitful and multiple. That was how God wanted it. Why else would He later give us commands about being faithful to our spouse, and for children to honour parents, unless of course people were spouses and parents themselves. Marriage is a huge part of God's plan for His people, though true, it is not for everyone. (Just wanted to make it clear that I understand that not everyone HAS to get married.)


5) Singleness does not fulfill the God-given roles of men and women: singleness should be the exception, not the rule: (Although this sounds like a repeat of #4, stick with me, it's not :). God is basically awesome. And scientific studies have shown some irrefutable things. Like, my favorite is the study of the male vs. female body design. Now, understand that this is a general study, and not every fact is true of every man or woman. They are generalizations of each gender. The male body is designed for work and hard labor. They have a longer sustainability (meaning they can physically work longer than women.) This is why jobs like construction and brick masonry are primarily jobs of men. They demand of a man, what a man, and not a woman, was built for. Their bodies are built to be faster runners (and before long range guns, this was helpful when hunting!) (also, like I said, these are generalizations. A particular woman, may be able to run faster than a particular man, but as a general rule.) And a woman. Man. Our bodies are just as incredible. Our minds were built for multitasking. We tease men for not being able to, but it's because we have been designed to! We're able to think about dinner, daily tasks, our baby's sleeping and eating schedule and answer the toddler's relentless questions, all within a few moments time. I'm gonna get real here, our hips were designed to bear and birth children. Yes, God even designed our pelvic bones differently so that our bodies were the perfect environment for baby to grow safely, and then for our hips to expand to give growing baby room, and THEN to dislocate temporarily so we can give birth to baby! How absolutely incredible is that?? When we choose to be single, we are choosing to forfeit the roles God has not only created for us, but created us for.

These are just my thoughts. I'm no scholar. Just a single girl, pondering my currently single state. And praying that it isn't God's plan for me to stay single. I do not feel called to a lifestyle that would benefit from being single. I feel called to become a Godly woman, to marry a Godly man, to with him raise Godly children, and to serve Him wherever the Father leads. But I know that He works in a time table so differently than our own. He is not surprised by the interest decline in marriage. None of this has caught Him off guard. He knows full well the ins and outs of the hearts of every man. He is working for the good in the lives of those who love Him! And that, is a promise!