To the Friend Who Gets There First

To the Friend Who Gets There First,

Congratulations on your ______(new relationship, engagement/marriage, new house, new car, new job, new baby, new dog, new experience; life goal/milestone)! I mean it when I say I am truly and genuinely happy for you! As Solomon talks about in Ecclesiastes 3, I am going to be and am happy for and with you during this time! If you and I are long time friends, there's a real chance we dreamed about this as young girls, together. I hope your dreams came true, or are better than you imagined. Because I love you, I hope it all exceeds your expectations. I hope you are choosing to see these things as divine blessings from the Father. And I hope during this time, you are worshiping Him, and praising Him for giving you these desires of your heart! How He loves to bless us! I will be praying for you as this new chapter in your life begins!

I know you're there first. And I know it's exciting and overwhelming and maybe even exhausting, but please, please, please, do one thing for me:

Don't leave me behind.

No, you certainly can't change my circumstances to match yours, and I am not asking you to in the least! But don't leave me out of your life. No I may not understand by experience what its like to be planning a wedding, or nurse an infant in the middle of the night, or running a house, or working as a _____(new profession here). But that doesn't mean I don't want to still be involved in your life!

If you are not allowing me to be apart of things in your life because you feel sorry for me, please believe me that the introspective pity party I have when you don't allow me into your life is actually what sucks. Don't dismiss me from your life because you feel sorry for me, don't think I will get it, or don't feel like we can "relate" anymore. I may not have a husband, but I will still talk about relationship stuff, like we always have, with you. I may not have a baby, but I will still come over and to hang out. Maybe our "hanging out" will be me helping you clean out a closet, or scrubbing all your bathroom floors, but if we're friends, like actual friends, you better believe that's something I will do in a heartbeat. I'm single, no kids, flexible job & schedule. So if your concerned that your schedule is to rigid, let me fit into it- but please, whatever your reason for keeping me out of this season of your life, don't.

Don't feel bad for me, don't pity me, and please please please, don't shut me out. Allow me take part in the joy of this season with you! Because it is joyful!

I love you friend! Please allow me to keep doing just that! <3

Wanting more than just stuff

"The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want."

I shall not want. 

I shall not want, but I do want. I want things fiercely sometimes. I don't always want bad things, in fact quite the opposite. Except for wanting Netflix to not fall under laziness, but....

Shocker alert blogging world, I want to get married! There, the 21 year old freak has written it out in plain, bold letters! (Quite a feat too, since I'm writing in bed from my iPad.) I want to marry a Godly, strong, man. I want to learn the ins and outs, the sacrifices and the blessings of love. To experience love past roses and sweet nothings. To get into the messy part of loving someone when the job doesn't work out, or the apartment is too small or its banana sandwiches for the third night that week. I want to walk through life with that one man that I pray the Lord is preparing me for.  

I want to get married and I want to have babies. (My word the freak is bold today!) Lots and lots of babies. Babies I carry in my womb and babies I carry in my heart until I can hold them in my arms. I believe strongly in marriage, procreation, and adoption. Can you tell? I want to raise those babies to love the Lord and to love people. I want to teach them everything they need to know. But I want to learn everything I need to know to teach them...and that scares me. I want to be prepared for them, so don't let them down. I want to be a good mommy to them. 

I want to get married, have babies, and I want to be involved in ministry. This is a long standing dream. It's changed in the specifics over the years but the underlying goal has always been the same: to love on people that may be called "the least of these". The poor, the illiterate, the prostitutes, the homeless, the orphans, the alien, and the widow. I want to show them love and do life with people who have been stripped of liveliness. I want to serve people who have been slaves to the world and the minority in the system of culture. 

I don't want bad things. I do want selfish things. I want to be prettier, skinnier, healthier, funnier, to have a more contagious personality. And none of these things are bad. 

But these things, the selfish and the holy, are what I want. 

Me. 

Flawed. Sinner. Wretched me. And I shall not want. The "want" I understand the Psalmist to be talking about, is exactly all the want I've described. 

But here's the thing, more than the way I want my life to go though, I want to be lovely. To be lovely in the way my Saviour is lovely. To be beautiful in the way my Creator is beautiful. To be caring in the way my Rescuer is caring. To be gentle in the way my Shepherd is gentle. And to lead as graciously as my Lord leads. I want to want the things of the Lord more than I want the dream I have built. I want to be desperate for His Word. I want to long for it with every fiber of my being and with every breath that fills my lungs. 

I want to want, only for the Heart of the Most High. And I'm not there yet. 

But this thing, I believe, is a good thing to want!

Changes ahead...

I mentioned some time ago a desire to redesign my blog. Although I am far from "tech savvy" I have begun designing a few things. Stay tuned....

Comparing Apples to...Androids?

I was the diehard, hardcore, sold out, 100%, never looking in the Apple direction, Android spokesperson fan girl.

See where I'm coming from here? I was never, NEVER, I repeat NEVER going to have an Apple anything. (except for my dearly loved iPod. But that hardly counts, right?)

I hated the dominance Apple had, and the seeming partnership with Google and the understated agenda of: lets get all up in yo business.

Ok so maybe I had a slightly dramatic view. But somewhat justifiable, no? Apple was weird.

Everything Apple "talked" to anything Apple and I hated that. Like hate. With passion. I have a laptop for laptop purposes, and a cell phone for cell phone purposes. Why on EARTH would I need them to be merged in every little detail of everything? When mom's phone rings, so does her computer AND dad's iPad. Its absurd. And I didn't want that. I guess I like my life more compartmentalized than that.

And then it happened. In the midst of my stewing and fuming against Apple, my Android failed me. And then it failed again. And again. And again. And again. And thus I found myself loyal to a failing phone system. Repeat for emphasis: loyal to a FAILING phone system.

As in, tied to the mast of a sinking ship.

Chained to a pillar in a burning building.

LOYAL TO A FAILING PHONE SYSTEM!

Ok so my drama pendulum has the tendency to swing...well dramatically. But here I sat with the dilemma: what I have doesn't work, and what works is what I hate.

What to do? What to do? The answer was obvious to everyone, including me, and I did not want to admit it. So I started saying things like "maybe when we upgrade this fall, I'll give Apple a shot for a few years." And yet, deep down I knew, I would be making the switch almost totally willingly.

It was during this transition that I was home alone and my mother was trying to reach me. In this moment, my phone and I reached our breaking point. My mom was trying desperately to get in contact with me, and my phone threw one of its weird tantrums and I didn't even receive a "missed phone call" notification.

Basically we lived together for the next few days and then I upgraded. Kicked the Galaxy to the curb and got my hands on an.....iPhone5. (Shocker. As if anyone didn't see this one coming.)

I will take my slice of humble pie large with a side of vanilla ice cream please. Because I have loved it. Its been fine. I don't even miss my Android. Is that awful of me? DOES THIS MEAN I HAVE COMMITMENT ISSUES?! And I learned, that all those irritating connections that Apple makes with itself are kind of optional! (Except for the cloud...still figuring this one out!) Yay!

Anyways. I am no officially a Macintosh user and guess what? I can FACETIME!!!

Signed,
~the Apple Newbie

The Killjoy that is Defeat

My day started off in the deficit when I woke myself up, terrified, that I not only overslept my alarm, but was thirty minutes late for receiving my baby. Only once I had completely woken myself up and was oriented enough to check the time on my phone (the clock on the other side of the room was still groggy looking) did I discover that I still had an hour of sleeping time. Trying to calm my racing heart, I was jumpy for the next hour, sure that my day was going to start later than it was supposed to. Strike One.

After a number unsuccessful attempts at dieting(mostly pathetic attempts on my own), exercising and loosing weight, I vowed never again. I wasn't going to stay hungry to not loose weight. But here came another one, waving its banner of "eat real food!" and the testimonies of people dropping pounds and inches and if it wasn't for a number of people I know personally having success on this particular program, I probably wouldn't have bought it. Yet on the bandwagon I jumped and hating myself every second for it. Lets be honest, all I want is a doughnut, I've been hungry for a week now, and on the day that everyone else is posting "one week in and down three pounds!" I stepped on the scale and GAINED weight. Everyone else shedding the pounds and #lovingit and I'm over here, dumbfounded as I stare at the screen (we don't have a scale, so we use our Wii fit) +.2lbs. OK so I didn't even gain half a pound- but when everyone else is down three pounds, I would have been happy with one. But I didn't. More on this whole subject later; I haven't given up...I'm still on it. However, gaining the weight when everyone else lost, was my Strike Two.

Fast forward an hour, and my baby is now in his third outfit of the day. Why? My scattered brain wasn't there enough to think "hey the baby wearing cloth diapers needs a change now." Nanny of the year award. Strike Three.

Its not even 10AM and I have already struck out on my day. At this point, cue the "every wrong thought" flood, and I realize, I haven't worked out since Friday. I'm starving. Decrease my calorie intake. If I take one more swig of water I am going to hurl. Why is my baby only sleeping for 20 minutes at a time? Gosh I really want a slice of pizza. Great- my poor little sister did not need the blow of forceful words from me; its not her fault I can't loose weight. Did my license come? Mail comes: no license. (more on this later as well)

I'm still wearing clothes that at any given point have had a number of unidentified liquids on them. My hair looks like I haven't showered in a week. My room looks like Dorothy's house decided to land there instead of the Wicked Witch of the East. My self esteem is hanging out below sea level. And even this blog post has been devastatingly irritating to try to write. (Devastatingly is dramatic. I just really wanted to use the word devastatingly.)

And at the moment I think "THAT'S IT!" The sweetest eight year old is begging for me to snuggle with him. My mom is taking my baby and giving me a hug. And my dad gives me that good-bye-eye grin that makes me smile.

I still want a cupcake. I still feel pretty slummy. I still really dislike Mondays. But this day is no less the Lord's than tomorrow. My family is still loving me through my mood swings. And coffee is still the answer to a lot of questions.

As one of my favorite literary characters once said, "Isn't it nice to think that tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet?" Bring it Tuesday. After today, I can handle anything. Besides, Tuesday is Bible study day. And those are some of the best! :)

writer's block

I'm stuck again.

My heart is over flowing with thoughts.

Good thoughts like, what a lovely Christmas we had. How many surprises there were. How much family time was available to us. How we discovered a niece on the way! But every time I try to write, nothing comes out the way I think it should.

I have some "honest" thoughts too. And if I thought happy thoughts were hard, being honest is even harder. There's something about the ugliness of vulnerability that I can't make sound eloquent at all. Its choppy and frustrating. I'm trying to find the balance between humility and discretion, and failing miserably. If I share too much, I feel that it may come across wrong or even inappropriate. If I share too little I think I make myself look too good.

And so this tango between happy and humble is where I find myself.

What do you write about when you have so much rolling around in your head? If you're like me, you do this. A writer's block post. Where you let readers know that you're still here. Let them know whats going on in your head without writing posts about it all, and give a glimpse into your heart that says: "I have so much to say that I'm at a loss for words."

And that is where I shall leave you all. I'm distracted by the Tiny House Nation playing in the background of my thoughts and still, not able to put two logical thoughts together. Hoping for a decent blog post soon!

I was wrong(Single life: part 3)

I know I need to learn how to say it more. But here it is. I'm even going to put it in big. Bold. Letters.

I. WAS. WRONG.

There we have it. I said it. It's sitting there staring me in the face even as I type. It's mocking me. Relentlessly telling me, how much I have to learn about humility.

My words, MY OWN WORDS, keep ringing in my head: "Don't tell me it's a gift, cos its not."

In my flustered irritation about the misconceptions and tacky, unhelpful, cliche sayings that surrounding singleness, I failed to note something: the context of the verses I used in that post. Sure, I read the two or three above and below to make sure they weren't taken out of context, but I sure didn't pay attention to what some of those verses had to say. So sitting in Bible study Tuesday night, I got slapped across the face as the verse was read. A verse I now get a know in my stomach about. One that I obviously paid no mind to. A verse that calls "unmarried life" .......a GIFT.

Not a season.

Not a learning time.

Not a time to play, or travel, or work, or go to school.

A gift.

A gift is a treasure, a precious thing, that you guard and protect, and use correctly. Someone has given it to you, because you were the right person for that gift. And you guys, I have dragged it through the mud! I do not like being single. I struggle with it sometimes, and pray that I will not always be single, but you guys....I'm spitting in God's face. He knows that that GIFT is right for me right now. And He allowed it to be called a gift in His Word for a reason.

"I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another." (v. 7)

See, he calls both a gift. And I think most would agree that calling marriage a gift is right on. But how many of us truly believe that being unmarried is a gift?

He goes on to explain why it's gift at all, and why he prefers it to marriage: because a married person's attention is divided between God and spouse, but an unmarried person can dedicate their whole beings to the Lord. When you look at it that way, what could be sweeter?

This doesn't negate the design and desire for marriage; marriage is still God's purpose for His people. But I think the "gift" of singleness is the intimacy you can receive with The Father.

"...An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord." (vs. 34&35)

Exciting Announcements!

Well this has most definitely been a season of change in my life. Gladly, its been mostly good changes including a new house and job.

My new "job" is getting to nanny this sweetie pie! He's about two months old and absolutely precious! I call him my little Bear, not because he's grouchy, he isn't! He's just like a cuddly little teddy bear! I'm starting out part time, since his mom hasn't gone back to work yet, but once she does I will be his full time nanny. He's been such a pleasure to get to know, and because of him, I have now mastered the art of cloth diapers!

In other news, I am going to be an auntie again!!! In May 2015, Baby Pepino will join us! This was very exciting news to hear, and we are all looking forward to meeting this little one! Girl or boy, we are always so excited to hear of another one coming! :) Read all about my sister's life with her three boys and being pregnant with #4 here.

And lastly but defiantly not most important is my birthday next week. On Sunday, mom has lovingly planned a family get together! We have been on a 30 day detox, (which my other sister has been faithfully blogging through) and in short, you can have meat, fruits and veggies. And that's about it. So we've all been wanting lots of what we can't have, and the main thing has been pizza! So on Sunday, we are having pizza! Cheesy, breaded pizza!

Then on Wednesday, we're headed to my sister's house for her doctor's appointment. Its kind of been our tradition to go and watch the boys so she can go. But this one will be an ultrasound so I'm excited!  That night we're going to Peruvian for my birthday dinner with just mom and dad and the sisters here at home.

Then on Saturday after, I've got some of my friends coming over. Not a big deal, just four friends to come hang out and celebrate with me.

Well that's it for announcements! :)

Juuuuuuuust a little update....:)

Well for starters I'm sorry that its been almost two months without so much as a "hey I'm still here!" I always wonder who reads my blog, but my stats show that enough people do that, I should probably keep it up a little better! :)

Fast track update: The biggest thing is that we moved! We are all settled in our new place. Love the neighborhood and the location. Its so convenient to everything. My cousin also recently moved and she's just a few miles down the road now. I love it!

Second is that the job I got will start next month. I got to meet the baby today! It made me really excited about starting! He's so precious, only about five weeks old. His parents are really laid back, which is awesome. I always tell people that nannying is 50% your relationship to the child, and 50% with the parents. They seem like they'll be good to work with! :)

We got back Sunday from our week long annual beach trip. It rained some, but I don't think there was a day where we weren't at least in the pool and hot tub. We got to go the the aquarium but spent most of our time at the house, which was nice after such a whirlwind summer!

I am currently caring for AH's charge, since she is south for a few weeks. (more on this later) Its been nice to have a reason to get up early, and have something to do during the days. He keeps me good company! :) We enjoyed a walk through the neighborhood together, have worked on maps, and make a chain so we know how many more days until she is home! Its such a blessing that he is comfortable enough with me that she can trust me to care for him. He's so sweet! He got to meet the baby today too, and has talked about him a little bit. Not sure how he feels about it, since he's been the only little one for so long!

If you recall, last fall I started a series on my blog that I called "Jesus & Jeans" and it was my way of approaching things that, well that can sometimes be called "controversial". Not that I want to start problems, but I want my voice to be heard about things that I am passionate about.

So this week I am hoping to work on and post a "part two" to my Halloween series. If you missed those, you can read the original post here and the follow up here. Stick with me if you're interested in reading more of what I've been learning! :)

feeling insane

There's a whole lot I have wanted to say, and I quite simply have not had the time to say, well any of it. I had an Easter post stirring in my head, as well as a number of others and I just haven't had the time to sit down and type it up.

I will sincerely hope to post this week, but don't count on it cos, WE'RE MOVING.

Ok so, we're not moving this week, but we are getting the house ready to go on the market. Which means like, all day projects; neck deep in closets, and attics and other many dark and crowded places.

Good thing: We are getting rid of SO MUCH old and useless junk! I know the foundation of this house is very happy to lose a few pounds.

Bad thing: It takes a very. Very. VERY long time to go through each of these dark places. Like. So long. So it's been maybe two weeks of hot and heavy work. And we have yet to do the big attic. Kind of not looking forward to that.

I pretty much hate the whole idea of an attic anyways. Like, "oh here's an idea. Let's make a (common) room in homes, where there is a giant HOLE in the middle of the floor, and anytime people have to use said room, they have to maneuver heavy items without falling into it!" Hm. Let me guess...it started as a practical joke and then became a trend. Like every other horrible idea...

So anyways. Still have the attic and several other projects like ripping up twenty year old carpet and patching up damaged walls. Didn't realize how much you beat up a house till you have to fix it...goodness.

Anyways that's just a glimpse into my life. But its to bed with me cos my allergies decided to absolutely HATE me this year. And I feel pretty horrid right now. My vaporizer is already going (Vics has been a must the past two nights) and my night meds are starting to draw my eyelids down. Lovely.

Happy Easter, and as I learned today, Feliz Pascua! :)

~Mal