Confessions from a chubby girl

Confession: this post is already mega hard. I hate to be this kind of vulnerable.

Confession: I'm about 60 pounds heavier than I should be for my gender, height and age. 21 years old. 60 is a big number. It feels too big. It's devastating because I don't even have pregnancy or illness to blame for the extra weight. It's just there. 


Confession: it's not actually the mirror that I hate so much. In fact, sometimes, I like what I see in the mirror. Sure I'd love to lose the belly, but the mirror isn't my worst enemy; its pictures. It's caught off guard, it's not being able to pose the most effectively, it's being caught in an outfit I detest how I look in. It's getting tagged in one of ~those~ pictures. I don't hate what I see in the mirror, I hate what I see in the pictures. 


Confession: I pray to get the weight off. I've watched my eating closely, and then nothing changes, or I just pack more weight on, and I feel frustrated and discouraged. So I stop being so careful. But all the while I'm pleading with Jesus to help me get it off. My weight is just steadily climbing, and I'm looking to Him for help because this isn't healthy, I know that. It's not like I'm stuffing bonbons and Twinkies in every day, I just can't shake the weight. No matter what I've tried. 


Confession: I feel like I look like I don't care about my body because of how massive I am. I do. And I'm trying to take care of it, but I don't have time to dedicate to a regular exercise routine and that frustrates me to no end. So I try to be more active during my days, but I know that's not doing much. 


Confession: sometimes I get out of breath doing the simplest. And I feel like a land yacht when I do. I'm 21! I should be at my healthiest right now. 


Confession: sometimes I feel like the only reason I've never had a relationship is because of my weight. Because no guy can see past the chubby to get to know me. Because I don't have a good body, I'm not worth their time. 


Confession: I've cried off and on writing this post. The humiliation. The shame. The embarrassment. It's so much. But people see pictures of me, and no. I'm not ignorant. I see it. I know it. My jeans tell me every time I put them on. The scale yells at me every time I dare to step foot on. I know I'm not losing the weight like I hoped. I know I'm not losing the weight at all. 


Confession: I'm not giving up. I hate this weight. I hate it enough to keep trying. To keep eating good for me foods, to keep walking the long way just to get in extra steps. I'm going to keep practicing portion control and drinking lots of water. I'm not going to stop trying my very best to be the healthiest me I can be. 


Confession: I dread the struggle, but I can't wait to relish in the ending. When the weight is gone and I'm healthy again. I can't wait to be beautiful inside and out. I can't wait to not hate pictures of me. I can't wait to be able to share clothes with my friends or order off of Jane because I can actually fit them. I can't wait to be able to buy the cheaper junior jeans because I can wear them without looking hoochie. I can't wait to love bathing suits again. I can't wait to want to hangout at the pool with people because I won't be hiding behind my towel any more. I'm ready to be the very best me I can be. 


Confession: I know Jesus isn't a genie who takes away the thorns at the first request. But I also know I can't do this without leaning into Him. This is the body He gave me. And I'm going to take care of it. And I'm going to do it with His help. 

The Killjoy that is Defeat

My day started off in the deficit when I woke myself up, terrified, that I not only overslept my alarm, but was thirty minutes late for receiving my baby. Only once I had completely woken myself up and was oriented enough to check the time on my phone (the clock on the other side of the room was still groggy looking) did I discover that I still had an hour of sleeping time. Trying to calm my racing heart, I was jumpy for the next hour, sure that my day was going to start later than it was supposed to. Strike One.

After a number unsuccessful attempts at dieting(mostly pathetic attempts on my own), exercising and loosing weight, I vowed never again. I wasn't going to stay hungry to not loose weight. But here came another one, waving its banner of "eat real food!" and the testimonies of people dropping pounds and inches and if it wasn't for a number of people I know personally having success on this particular program, I probably wouldn't have bought it. Yet on the bandwagon I jumped and hating myself every second for it. Lets be honest, all I want is a doughnut, I've been hungry for a week now, and on the day that everyone else is posting "one week in and down three pounds!" I stepped on the scale and GAINED weight. Everyone else shedding the pounds and #lovingit and I'm over here, dumbfounded as I stare at the screen (we don't have a scale, so we use our Wii fit) +.2lbs. OK so I didn't even gain half a pound- but when everyone else is down three pounds, I would have been happy with one. But I didn't. More on this whole subject later; I haven't given up...I'm still on it. However, gaining the weight when everyone else lost, was my Strike Two.

Fast forward an hour, and my baby is now in his third outfit of the day. Why? My scattered brain wasn't there enough to think "hey the baby wearing cloth diapers needs a change now." Nanny of the year award. Strike Three.

Its not even 10AM and I have already struck out on my day. At this point, cue the "every wrong thought" flood, and I realize, I haven't worked out since Friday. I'm starving. Decrease my calorie intake. If I take one more swig of water I am going to hurl. Why is my baby only sleeping for 20 minutes at a time? Gosh I really want a slice of pizza. Great- my poor little sister did not need the blow of forceful words from me; its not her fault I can't loose weight. Did my license come? Mail comes: no license. (more on this later as well)

I'm still wearing clothes that at any given point have had a number of unidentified liquids on them. My hair looks like I haven't showered in a week. My room looks like Dorothy's house decided to land there instead of the Wicked Witch of the East. My self esteem is hanging out below sea level. And even this blog post has been devastatingly irritating to try to write. (Devastatingly is dramatic. I just really wanted to use the word devastatingly.)

And at the moment I think "THAT'S IT!" The sweetest eight year old is begging for me to snuggle with him. My mom is taking my baby and giving me a hug. And my dad gives me that good-bye-eye grin that makes me smile.

I still want a cupcake. I still feel pretty slummy. I still really dislike Mondays. But this day is no less the Lord's than tomorrow. My family is still loving me through my mood swings. And coffee is still the answer to a lot of questions.

As one of my favorite literary characters once said, "Isn't it nice to think that tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet?" Bring it Tuesday. After today, I can handle anything. Besides, Tuesday is Bible study day. And those are some of the best! :)

a choice I'm making now

So as some of my readers may know, I recently turned 20. (I didn't  cry...but almost.) And even thought that is not legal drinking age, I think it's important to decide how you feel about an issue like that before you have to make a split second choice. In those moments, our judgement tends to be clouded. So I've decided to write up some of my thoughts and share them! :)

 I've seen more than one secular produced film, where a character declines a drink simply because "I don't drink" and people accept that answer.

It seems to me that a few years ago, there was judging over drinks, but man you were looked down on if you drank. You were a slob, less of a Christian, and definitely not esteemed in a Christian community.

To this day, there are still Christians judging Christians over drinking, but it seems to be going the opposite way. "Oh, you don't drink" As if I am less of a person for choosing not to. Why is it acceptable in secular media for a person to say "I don't drink" and not in a Christian setting? (Quite simply because we as Christians find the need to be so harsh on one another; but that is an entirely separate post.)

I'll share something with you: what I believe.

The Bible...it contains people drinking alcohol. Yes. Fermented, alcohol. Yes, God's mighty people. And yes, God's own Son produced more wine (alcoholic wine) at a wedding feast. I could get on a high horse about how that was just a "time in history" and a "necessity of the times" But I'm not going to, because that isn't why I won't drink.

So why no drinking for me?

1. Although not every encounter with alcohol is a negative one, I have never seen a positive one. 
2. I can find no reason why any other drink won't do; to me it seems foolish with my money, and I just don't need it. I don't need alcohol to enhance a social setting; I can have just as much fun without it.
3. In relation with number one, I have seen first hand how alcohol can rip a family to shreds, and I want no part in it. 
4. I have never seen drinking bring anyone closer to the Father, improve their Christian witness, or make them a better person. 

And therefore, I choose now, before I am of legal drinking age, not to drink. I don't see how it will improve the quality of my life, walk with Christ, or bring me or someone else closer to the Father. And all I ask is that you respect that decision instead of looking down your nose at me. I'm not ignorant because I choose not to, I have made an educated decision not to.

So why is drinking such a big deal? Honestly, I just don't know. But it is. And because it is, its our duty as Christians to decide ahead of time where we stand on it, before we find ourselves in a situation where we make a rash decision. I do not believe that drinking is not a sin, but it is a stumbling block.

We have been doing a character study in the mornings, and one of the character qualities we have been studying is "tolerance", but maybe not the tolerance you're thinking of. The definition we are working with is "realizing that myself and others are at varying levels of character development." This means, that if I go to a party with Christians, and someone is drinking, I cannot judge them, because where God has them is different than where He has me. And in the same vain, I'm not where they are, so I cannot make the choices they are. Every Christian walk is at a different spot. And there are sin issues, and there are conviction issues. This is grey in the Bible, therefore I believe that it falls to conviction.

So now I wanna know, how or why did you decide to or not to drink? Did your family have any influence or was it experience? Share your thoughts! 

Goat's milk soap?

My mom has some friends raising money by making and selling goat's milk soap. To support them, mom bought a bar for herself, AH and myself.

Now, I've been around goats before, and honestly; they smell horrid. And I keep trying to eat goat's milk cheese, but psychologically in my quirky, mind, it tastes like goats smell. Which is...well gross. So I can't eat it, great. But we get it, (I got to pick my scent) and I thought it was going to be like...well not smell like goats milk. I decided to give it a try anyways, and discovered that the stinky scent doesn't linger on my skin. Which was great, because I began to notice some improvements right away. The morning after I showered, my skin was clearer (on my face) and smoother. (This is coming from someone who has literally tried EVERYTHING.) Although I'm still looking for that magic (and preferably affordable) cream that makes all black heads disappear and all zits non-existent, I was very pleased with how my skin looked with the goat's milk soap. So I continued to use my stinky wonder  bar, and noticed yet another improvement. Not to be all TMI here, but I've also tried some specialty deodorants, because nothing seems to work. Hot or cold, I seem to produce excess amounts of sweat and I really would rather that stop. After bathing with the goat's milk for a few weeks, I noticed that that changed a little bit. I was no longer sweating in my under arms, and have not been using any specialty deodorants because they weren't working. My regular deo seemed to be enough and then for a few weeks, I stopped using the GMS (its too long to keep typing out!) my skin got all splotchy and broke out again, and my under arms were again over productive.

So I conclude from my little personal experiment that GMS is very beneficial! May be worth a try?

The Idol of the American Church

The Body of Christ is a growing body; it's not mature yet. And as part of it, I feel like different "idols" pop up. I really feel like that's something that happens, that the body struggles with. I also feel that often people don't label them as "idols". But the fact is, we rarely have golden statues anymore, and idolatry is still an issue. So why aren't we labeling those idols and casting them out? I say "we" because I am not going to cast total blame on anybody else. I am at fault too. At different times, I've struggled with idolatry.

So lets talk about the taboo.

Idolatry:

Merriam Webster online says:

 : immoderate attachment or devotion to something :

The encyclopedia at http://www.britannica.com/ says:

 : idolatry, in Judaism and Christianity, the worship of someone or something other than God as though it were God. The first of the biblical Ten Commandments prohibits idolatry: “You shall have no other gods before me.”...Several forms of idolatry have been distinguished. Gross, or overt, idolatry consists of explicit acts of reverence addressed to a person or an object—the sun, the king, an animal, a statue. This may exist alongside the acknowledgment of a supreme being; e.g., Israel worshiped the golden calf at the foot of Mount Sinai, where it had encamped to receive the Law and the covenant of the one true God.
A person becomes guilty of a more subtle idolatry, however, when, although overt acts of adoration are avoided, he attaches to a creature the confidence, loyalty, and devotion that properly belong only to the Creator. Thus, the nation is a good creature of God, but it is to be loved and served with an affection appropriate to it, not with the ultimate devotion that must be reserved for the Lord of all nations. Even true doctrine (e.g., true doctrine about idolatry) may become an idol if it fails to point beyond itself to God alone. :

 Idolatry is something everybody deals with, and nobody talks about. Why? As one of the biggest issues (in my opinion) it needs to be discussed and dealt with. It's everybody's green monster in the closet. That nasty thing needs to be exposed to the discomfort and flee.
 
This post is borne out of an observation I made to my sister and my best friend today at lunch. While all three of us were on facebook (Welcome to modern America!) I noticed that my newsfeed had a number of "health" posts. In addition to that, a fair amount of modern American media is all about
"GET FIT! Try out diet. Use this machine. Join this gym. Take these pills". It's no longer just a hobby, or about getting fit. It's not even just a "getting healthy" thing. It's an idol. There are a lot of people, and Christians, that have idolized exercise and diet. I feel comfortable with posting this, because it became an idol for me. I was obsessed with my eating habits. Always worrying about what I was eating or drinking, and always noting to others how bad something was that I was eating. And how much exercise it would take to get it off. I became irritating with it. I was no longer being healthy, I was being ridiculous. It was around that time that my ridiculous obsession was slapped in my face as an idol. I had fallen prey to a dangerous sin; both spiritually and physically. My crazy ideas of "health" were no longer wise, but foolish, and I was confronted with several things. One being, my constant desire to change, was leading to a mindset of subconsciously telling God: "What you made isn't good enough for me." I was discontent with my physical appearance, and that led me to a distaste to my personality about my appearance. All-in-all I began hating myself. My body wasn't changing fast enough, and my negative spirit about it was making me an unbearable soul to be around. God not-so-casually slipped a verse past my eyes, and I would like to share it with you:

1 Timothy 4:8:

 ^"For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come."

Yes, we should take total care of our bodies. We should be healthy, and wise. We should carefully consider what we put on and in our bodies. We should watch out for our hygiene. Being sure we're clean and ready for what God may have us do on any given day. But this unhealthy obsession in the church is dangerous. Post after post on facebook, news sights, commercials, even subtle hints in movies and TV shows suggesting "health" changes. 

It's become a dangerous downward spiral. A constant need for and dependance on exercise and diet foods. A constant reminder of the fats, calories or any other unhealthy properties that may be found in any given food or drink.

Christ's bride has fallen dangerously prey to a habit that we have a warning about. 

If it's all I read about on a person's page, or all that others read about on mine. If it's all I pin on pinterest, or talk about among friends. It is what I promote to everybody else, it's my idol. It's my god. And I'm calling my bluff. It's wrong. 

Perhaps we as a church can begin encouraging one another in different ways. Maybe the women at your church can begin a prayer-walking group. Or once a week go for a jog with some friends. I just think it might be better if we took down this idol, and left the clay with the clay. 

~Mal