Excuse me, your ugly is showing: 2018 in review

as the year winds down, and a new one is cresting, my mind is racing, trying to weed through all the lessons i've learned this past year, while also trying to excite myself for all those that lay ahead.

this year brought a lot of firsts for me. for the very first time, i had a job wholly independent from my family. the adjustments it brought were completely unexpected. the things i have learned have been tattooed onto my mind, shaping me into someone almost wholly unrecognizable from who i was last year this time. independence, respect, work ethic, customer service, new skills, sharpening ones i already had...when i look back i feel like all i've done is grown. in just about every area. 

there were aspects of my character, i didn't realize people in my life just...put up with, until i was working with someone who wasn't going to. and it was in these ways that i grew that were most painful. i took it personally when i felt aspects of my personality were under attack, when what was being refined was my character. i could speak of the tact used, but what matters is that i was refined. and whether i liked method or not, i was made a better person. and i have some painful moments to be reminded of that by. 

just when i think i've been stretched and grown and refined enough, a new mirror is held in front of my ever learning but ugly character, and a new opportunity to grow is shoved down my throat, and placed into my tightly clenched fists. 

i have quoted many times my pop, who wisely says "people are messy" and this year i learned just how messy they can be. and as i learned how messy loving people is and how messy being a person is, i learned that when people are with people, the ugly comes out. let me tell y'all, 

the ugly. 

showed. 

up. 

i saw ugly in myself and others that i never even fathomed could be there. as my work situation has shifted, i went from working with one guy, to five women and boy was that a change. the honeymoon phase has ended, and the ugly is leaking out now as we all find our bearings with each other. i though we were in better shape than this, but we're learning new ways to deal with people as we learn to deal well with one another. new people: new things to learn about myself. 

amidst all the ugly i would say this: the ugly shows up, but 

always. 

choose. 

to learn. 

there are lessons in every small trial we face. there are always opportunities for our character to be refined. i didn't always view the ugly (mine or others) as opportunity to grow and change. i didn't always learn from every situation that left me feeling inadequate, or unsatisfied. but when i did, i was better for it. among all the ugly, learn, grow, repeat, there was one other thing, always available for the taking or the giving: grace. 

so.

much. 

grace.

at every short coming, at every failed attempt, or lack of attempt, at every new situation, or not-my-greatest-moments, in every moment of weakness, at the ugly of myself and those around me, there was grace on grace on grace for everyone involved. i wish i always remembered that, when moments felt beyond repair, that there was grace, but i remember it now. 

so go into 2019, ready to face the ugly, ready to learn, and ready to extend grace, to you, and those around you. happy new year, friends. 

Do Not Let Your Heart Be Jonah

I'm standing at my mom's kitchen island feeling somewhat sporty, productive and Pinteresty. This morning I donned my favorite leggings, running shoes and a messy bun. I've got Jason Castro gently singing and some shortbread bars are baking in the oven, preparing for the second step. Life is alright. It's not what I want exactly, but it's alright. 

This morning, we sat down to read an expert from Andrea Lucado in a She Reads Truth study, and she wrote about Jonah and Nineveh. I've always viewed it as a story of great redemption, and it is. Mostly for me because, I have never been able to recall what happened to Jonah because I've always sort of...ignored it. I don't like that the great redemption doesn't seem to include his own. We in fact have every reason to believe that Jonah just kinda disappeared and died. He was angry at God and said as much (Jonah 4:9)

 But what do we do with that? What do we do when we experience the same emotion of "that's not fair"?

That moment, is where you find my heart this morning. Pondering the question "what do you do with the hurt and anger you feel when someone seemingly blatantly undeserving of redemption...gets redemption?" We have evidence that Jonah never did rejoice in their repentance and redemption. Andrea also brings up the prodigal son, and his faithful brother. He was angry. 

I confess I have found myself in that place more the past few years than I ever thought I would be. I confessed to my sisters this morning, and I confess to you now, I've tried to be the son that stays. I haven't always done a stand up job, but I have never left, nor have I ever wanted to. I have tried to live my life in a way that honors my Father, and yet there are people in my life who did not, and are now redeemed and leading the lives of wives and mommies: the life I have always prayed for. And more than once the last few years the thought "it's not fair" has screamed through my mind. What do you do, when you were the one who stayed, and you watch as your Nineveh confesses and repents and lives in the glories redemptive grace of God? 

You rejoice. 

You stop looking at your own merit, your own life, dreams, desires, hopes, purity, whatever, and you just rejoice. You follow the example set by the father of the prodigal, and you rejoice. 

If my desires ever come in the way of my truly rejoicing for a sister in Christ, then I have every reason to believe that they have become an idol. And when a sister experiences redemption,  my option is to rejoice. To find the joy, and to celebrate that with her. 

I haven't done a great job of this the last few years, but I am purposing to do so now. I rejoice in redemption, I rejoice in others joy, even if there hasn't been redemption. I rejoice at your joy, and I am celebrating with those who celebrate. 

It is so much easier to wallow and keep my eyes on me and all that I want and do not have, but I miss so many opportunities to rejoice when I do. No more. Joy from here on out! Let's rejoice sisters! 

In Jesus Name

 

You may have noticed that I am pretty bad at keeping up with my blog. Honestly, I wish you could live a day in my shoes. I am working three jobs, which includes four kids and some personal assistant/office type work, keeping up a social life, continuing to invest in my church and my family, and really trying so desperately hard to be a real adult...it catches up with me every single day. Usually around 10am. I feel like my life is a constant seesaw between thinking I did alright, and discovering the reality that I didn't do that good of a job. Oh, your family had dinner? How nice. They have no clean clothes for tomorrow, and you were supposed to send that email three days ago. Its a two step forward, three steps back process for me.

 

I feel like I'm the awkward 13 year old all over again. I feel like I just don't know where I fit. I'm 21, not in school, I'm working my butt off, not in a relationship...I'm really not doing any of the things that everyone else my age is doing. I don't know my place in this world. I'm telling you, it feels like middle school part 2. I am trying so hard to come into adulthood, and do so with grace. I'm doing taxes, ordering checks, managing my time and days so I give enough to everything that my time is dedicated to, and most days, if not every day, I am failing.

 

Some days, in fact the majority of them, it feels like my life has spiraled out of my control. And the faster I try to get a hold on it, the more overwhelming it becomes, and the more it slips out of my hands. Its terrifying. Its embarrassing. It makes me look immature, careless, and incapable.

 

But God.

 

The only constant in my life has been Jesus.

 

In my last post, I briefly mentioned that before worshipping, I have been praying my heart into a place of worship. Since coming home, the Father has continued to expand on what I learned to do while there. And while I've been obsessively listening to the album from Passion, (which I highly recommend), my favorite song has played over and over and over in my head. The chorus of Salvation's Tide is as follows:

 

||Let the walls come down in Jesus name/Let the lost be found in Jesus name/Open eyes to see in Jesus name/Let the city sing in Jesus name||

 

The phrase "in Jesus name" is something I grew up hearing plugged onto the end of prayers. And then it hit me. When our hearts are right, songs can be a form of prayer. I think we formalize prayer so much. I keep a prayer journal, and trust me, when my heart needs to be gushed out to the Father, it is perfect for that. But prayer doesn't have to be so limited to pen, paper, and whispers.

 

When my heart is in a place of true worship, singing the phrase "Let ___ in Jesus name" is a prayer.

 

My life has felt beyond my reach for three or more years, but when my heart is right, I can be in constant communication with the One who wrote every detail of my life. When I allow myself to really consider what I am singing, and truly believe it, I am sitting in the presence of a Holy and Perfect God. A Holy, Perfect God, who chose to love me.

 

Just to be clear, I'm not being "name it, claim it." By relishing in His presence, I am choosing a joyful and peaceful place from which to live. My circumstances don't change because I chose God over chaos.

 

My life, is still 100% beyond my power to control. I still feel like I fall short, come up empty, and don't have it all together. I still feel like my life can be a joke to some people. I still feel like I haven't gotten where I am supposed to be. I still feel like 90% of what I want to do with my life is unattainable. But I chose Jesus a long time ago, and now that I am facing a life full of bills, taxes, payments, jobs, and relationships, I still choose Jesus.

Let us love, live, and serve, In Jesus Name.

Wanting more than just stuff

"The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want."

I shall not want. 

I shall not want, but I do want. I want things fiercely sometimes. I don't always want bad things, in fact quite the opposite. Except for wanting Netflix to not fall under laziness, but....

Shocker alert blogging world, I want to get married! There, the 21 year old freak has written it out in plain, bold letters! (Quite a feat too, since I'm writing in bed from my iPad.) I want to marry a Godly, strong, man. I want to learn the ins and outs, the sacrifices and the blessings of love. To experience love past roses and sweet nothings. To get into the messy part of loving someone when the job doesn't work out, or the apartment is too small or its banana sandwiches for the third night that week. I want to walk through life with that one man that I pray the Lord is preparing me for.  

I want to get married and I want to have babies. (My word the freak is bold today!) Lots and lots of babies. Babies I carry in my womb and babies I carry in my heart until I can hold them in my arms. I believe strongly in marriage, procreation, and adoption. Can you tell? I want to raise those babies to love the Lord and to love people. I want to teach them everything they need to know. But I want to learn everything I need to know to teach them...and that scares me. I want to be prepared for them, so don't let them down. I want to be a good mommy to them. 

I want to get married, have babies, and I want to be involved in ministry. This is a long standing dream. It's changed in the specifics over the years but the underlying goal has always been the same: to love on people that may be called "the least of these". The poor, the illiterate, the prostitutes, the homeless, the orphans, the alien, and the widow. I want to show them love and do life with people who have been stripped of liveliness. I want to serve people who have been slaves to the world and the minority in the system of culture. 

I don't want bad things. I do want selfish things. I want to be prettier, skinnier, healthier, funnier, to have a more contagious personality. And none of these things are bad. 

But these things, the selfish and the holy, are what I want. 

Me. 

Flawed. Sinner. Wretched me. And I shall not want. The "want" I understand the Psalmist to be talking about, is exactly all the want I've described. 

But here's the thing, more than the way I want my life to go though, I want to be lovely. To be lovely in the way my Saviour is lovely. To be beautiful in the way my Creator is beautiful. To be caring in the way my Rescuer is caring. To be gentle in the way my Shepherd is gentle. And to lead as graciously as my Lord leads. I want to want the things of the Lord more than I want the dream I have built. I want to be desperate for His Word. I want to long for it with every fiber of my being and with every breath that fills my lungs. 

I want to want, only for the Heart of the Most High. And I'm not there yet. 

But this thing, I believe, is a good thing to want!

New happenings

Well hello blog! Whilst I have neglected any personal update, much has happened. I have talked about finally plugging into a church, and what a balm to my soul that has been. Feeling like I'm finally "home" in a sense has been a feeling I never thought I would have.

We have also had a number of exciting additions to the family!




 
 
In May, this little lady was born to my oldest sister! After three boys, having a girl around has been very different already! Its been fun getting to see more and more of her personality and getting to know her sassiness! (Which I like to think I gave her) She is a darling girl and we are so blessed to have her in our family!













We had another very exciting addition just a few weeks after this Miss made her arrival! I shall spur my sister on to a new blog post soon, and I will allow her the details of her beautiful love story, but in the meantime, my sideline view has been a privileged front row seat. At just the right time, the Father saw fit to bring "Mr. Right" into her life. It has been a joy to watch her love and be loved in a right and caring way. He is already such a part of our family, the receiver of many nicknames, and making jokes at my expense! He fits so well, and has been such a blessing to my sister!





The newest member of our family came just two weeks ago today! My second oldest sister welcomed her first son, and we are all SMITTEN! This is the fuzziest, sweetest, chillest little dude I have ever seen! Every time I look at him, I feel like my heart is going to explode. He is precious and perfect in every way. Four nephews and one niece into this family, a new one never ceases to bring so much joy and excitement into our lives! We love him soooo much and are thrilled to have these two babies joining us on the family beach trip coming up! (We're also especially glad, because this guy wasn't due until the 28th!)




That's pretty much the fast track of life since the last personal post! And don't worry, I won't wait this long again! :)

-Mal

 

Dress a Day!

In a world full of equalization of men and women, there seems to be an increasing number of attempts to eliminate the distinct differences between us. And when living in this kind of world, it's nice to embrace the femininity God has blessed me with. And although for me and my lifestyle, skirts and dresses are not always the most practical option, they can be my only option for say, a month? So for the month of May, I am embarking on my second "Dress a Day in May: challenge, and so far it's been remarkably easy. Why? Because leggings.

Leggings have become a staple in my wardrobe the last two years, and into the spring and summer they continue to be so. They are like magical little things designed purely for making my life easier. I work out in them, sleep in them, wear them to do yard work, wear them under skirts/ dresses(either for modesty or for leg coverage when it's cold.*)

But enough about my obsession with the little black wonders and back to the blog post at hand:

I was incredibly excited about DaDiM this year! So much so that I dragged my sisters to two different Goodwills on April 30. And although I only came away with one skirt and one dress, I was ready, ready, ready to start!

As you can tell from at least my first two, gray has become a recent favorite of mine. I don't intentionally look for gray clothing, but I do like wearing it a lot.

The skirt in the bottom picture is one of my Goodwill finds! Its got a thick waist band(my personal favorite!) and it's got so much materiel in the skirt that it just goes out when I spin! Such a fun skirt, and it's not like anything else I own. It's got a lot of yellow(yeah...I own no yellow) and orange with little teal coloured specks in it.

So here we are! Ta-da! The first three days! I'll probably blog through several days at a time, instead of posting each day! :)

Happy Dress a Day to any other participating ladies!

*Three words for ya: Fleece. Lined. Leggings.

a choice I'm making now

So as some of my readers may know, I recently turned 20. (I didn't  cry...but almost.) And even thought that is not legal drinking age, I think it's important to decide how you feel about an issue like that before you have to make a split second choice. In those moments, our judgement tends to be clouded. So I've decided to write up some of my thoughts and share them! :)

 I've seen more than one secular produced film, where a character declines a drink simply because "I don't drink" and people accept that answer.

It seems to me that a few years ago, there was judging over drinks, but man you were looked down on if you drank. You were a slob, less of a Christian, and definitely not esteemed in a Christian community.

To this day, there are still Christians judging Christians over drinking, but it seems to be going the opposite way. "Oh, you don't drink" As if I am less of a person for choosing not to. Why is it acceptable in secular media for a person to say "I don't drink" and not in a Christian setting? (Quite simply because we as Christians find the need to be so harsh on one another; but that is an entirely separate post.)

I'll share something with you: what I believe.

The Bible...it contains people drinking alcohol. Yes. Fermented, alcohol. Yes, God's mighty people. And yes, God's own Son produced more wine (alcoholic wine) at a wedding feast. I could get on a high horse about how that was just a "time in history" and a "necessity of the times" But I'm not going to, because that isn't why I won't drink.

So why no drinking for me?

1. Although not every encounter with alcohol is a negative one, I have never seen a positive one. 
2. I can find no reason why any other drink won't do; to me it seems foolish with my money, and I just don't need it. I don't need alcohol to enhance a social setting; I can have just as much fun without it.
3. In relation with number one, I have seen first hand how alcohol can rip a family to shreds, and I want no part in it. 
4. I have never seen drinking bring anyone closer to the Father, improve their Christian witness, or make them a better person. 

And therefore, I choose now, before I am of legal drinking age, not to drink. I don't see how it will improve the quality of my life, walk with Christ, or bring me or someone else closer to the Father. And all I ask is that you respect that decision instead of looking down your nose at me. I'm not ignorant because I choose not to, I have made an educated decision not to.

So why is drinking such a big deal? Honestly, I just don't know. But it is. And because it is, its our duty as Christians to decide ahead of time where we stand on it, before we find ourselves in a situation where we make a rash decision. I do not believe that drinking is not a sin, but it is a stumbling block.

We have been doing a character study in the mornings, and one of the character qualities we have been studying is "tolerance", but maybe not the tolerance you're thinking of. The definition we are working with is "realizing that myself and others are at varying levels of character development." This means, that if I go to a party with Christians, and someone is drinking, I cannot judge them, because where God has them is different than where He has me. And in the same vain, I'm not where they are, so I cannot make the choices they are. Every Christian walk is at a different spot. And there are sin issues, and there are conviction issues. This is grey in the Bible, therefore I believe that it falls to conviction.

So now I wanna know, how or why did you decide to or not to drink? Did your family have any influence or was it experience? Share your thoughts! 

Exciting Announcements!

Well this has most definitely been a season of change in my life. Gladly, its been mostly good changes including a new house and job.

My new "job" is getting to nanny this sweetie pie! He's about two months old and absolutely precious! I call him my little Bear, not because he's grouchy, he isn't! He's just like a cuddly little teddy bear! I'm starting out part time, since his mom hasn't gone back to work yet, but once she does I will be his full time nanny. He's been such a pleasure to get to know, and because of him, I have now mastered the art of cloth diapers!

In other news, I am going to be an auntie again!!! In May 2015, Baby Pepino will join us! This was very exciting news to hear, and we are all looking forward to meeting this little one! Girl or boy, we are always so excited to hear of another one coming! :) Read all about my sister's life with her three boys and being pregnant with #4 here.

And lastly but defiantly not most important is my birthday next week. On Sunday, mom has lovingly planned a family get together! We have been on a 30 day detox, (which my other sister has been faithfully blogging through) and in short, you can have meat, fruits and veggies. And that's about it. So we've all been wanting lots of what we can't have, and the main thing has been pizza! So on Sunday, we are having pizza! Cheesy, breaded pizza!

Then on Wednesday, we're headed to my sister's house for her doctor's appointment. Its kind of been our tradition to go and watch the boys so she can go. But this one will be an ultrasound so I'm excited!  That night we're going to Peruvian for my birthday dinner with just mom and dad and the sisters here at home.

Then on Saturday after, I've got some of my friends coming over. Not a big deal, just four friends to come hang out and celebrate with me.

Well that's it for announcements! :)

Dress a Day

I don't know how to link up with other blogs, but my sister does; and I have learned about a number of link ups that are out there. One of which that sparked my interest was the "Dress-a-Day". For those of you who may be unfamiliar with it, it is a challenge to wear a dress(or skirt) every day in the month of May. This is not something that I typically do. I wear a number of different outfits, and I enjoy skirts and dresses, but find them difficult to work in, so often I default to wearing jeans or shorts, and I'll be honest: I don't feel as feminine when I do. I'll be doing this challenge, if for nothing else, to prove to myself that I can wear work-functioning skirts and dresses in the day-to-day, and to enjoy feeling beautiful and feminine for a whole month! :)

So, JOIN ME if you would like for "Dress a Day in May!"

feeling insane

There's a whole lot I have wanted to say, and I quite simply have not had the time to say, well any of it. I had an Easter post stirring in my head, as well as a number of others and I just haven't had the time to sit down and type it up.

I will sincerely hope to post this week, but don't count on it cos, WE'RE MOVING.

Ok so, we're not moving this week, but we are getting the house ready to go on the market. Which means like, all day projects; neck deep in closets, and attics and other many dark and crowded places.

Good thing: We are getting rid of SO MUCH old and useless junk! I know the foundation of this house is very happy to lose a few pounds.

Bad thing: It takes a very. Very. VERY long time to go through each of these dark places. Like. So long. So it's been maybe two weeks of hot and heavy work. And we have yet to do the big attic. Kind of not looking forward to that.

I pretty much hate the whole idea of an attic anyways. Like, "oh here's an idea. Let's make a (common) room in homes, where there is a giant HOLE in the middle of the floor, and anytime people have to use said room, they have to maneuver heavy items without falling into it!" Hm. Let me guess...it started as a practical joke and then became a trend. Like every other horrible idea...

So anyways. Still have the attic and several other projects like ripping up twenty year old carpet and patching up damaged walls. Didn't realize how much you beat up a house till you have to fix it...goodness.

Anyways that's just a glimpse into my life. But its to bed with me cos my allergies decided to absolutely HATE me this year. And I feel pretty horrid right now. My vaporizer is already going (Vics has been a must the past two nights) and my night meds are starting to draw my eyelids down. Lovely.

Happy Easter, and as I learned today, Feliz Pascua! :)

~Mal

Happy Birthday to a Treasure

As one of the most influential persons in any family, mother's should be celebrated whenever possible. They should be cherished and honoured at all times. I confess that I do a sorry job displaying this conviction, but here we are on my own mom's birthday, and I'm looking to give her a place of honour here on my blog.

So readers, I give you, my mother:

My mom has been my biggest/most influential:
teacher, trainer, support, cheerleader, mentor, and the most abundant holder of wisdom. When I think well enough to quit flappin' my jaws, I find that she has some very good truths to share, and I learn so much from her. I'll bet she doesn't know this, but I learn more from her, when she's not even trying to teach me. Her testimony is how I have learned how to act and react. By watching her, I have learned to mirror her behavior, as many kids have their moms in the past. I am only so very thankful that my mom is a woman of character. When I think of my mom and her testimony, I think of Proverbs 31:23:
 
"Her husband is known at the city gates
        when he sits with the leaders of the land."

Out of all the verses in the most famous passage on women in the whole Bible, why this one?  

Because my mother does this well. 

As is natural with any relationship, not just including but especially marriage relationships; one or both parties may get irritated, frustrated and dare I say even angry. But my mom, never talks bad about my dad. She never gossips about what she's irritated with, never complains about what he left our or put away wrong. Never talks down about him. Instead she'll laugh things off with comments like "oh that's just your daddy!" And with a smile, she goes about taking care of what needs to be done. My mom honours her husband all the days of her life, and this has been the biggest lesson to me. So obvious with how she loves him. And it truly does flow over into the reputation of my dad.(His birthday is later this week, so more on him later! :) But people love him! Like, absolutely adore him. And I think, in addition to my dad's amazing personality, is his perfect-for-him helpmeet, paving honour before him. I believe that partly why people love him so much is because my mom has talked about him with honour, love, and respect. A man so loved must surely be worth it, and because of my mom's way with words, when people are around my dad there's a foundation of respect for him, that my mom has laid. And it has built in me a deep respect for him. I take my cues from my mom and learn everyday how better to do it.

I can come up with a million more reasons why my mom is cooler, more awesome, special, and all around more fabulous than all the others, but that list could go on forever. 

All of this was just to say to my mom, a very special, wonderful lady, happy birthday! No woman deserved to be more honored on her birthday than you! I can think of no more appropriate blessing than this:

^"The Lord bless you, and keep you;

The Lord make His face shine on you,
And be gracious to you;

The Lord lift up His countenance on you,
And give you peace." (Numbers 6:24-23) 

Love, 

Your one and only Snooks

The story of a boy who changed my world.

Yes. I was 100% sure I wanted to meet him. But I was nervous. I wanted him to like me. I thought "I'll do anything to make him happy." And the moment I saw him, I knew I was right. The moment I laid eyes on him, this love I never knew I possessed welled up within me and it hasn't gone away since. Instead, it increases. Every. Single. Day. Every time he looks at me and grins, I think I'm going to melt into a puddle on the floor. He has no idea that he has this power over me, but one little kiss, and I cave. This boy literally changed my whole world. Do you want to meet him? Well let me tell you the story. I promise, it's worth the read.

On March 28, 2009, at 8:23 P.M., this red, wrinkly little guy flipped my whole world upside down. 

 

I walked into the room just an hour or so after my sister had given birth to him. And there he was, laying in that plastic bassinet screaming his little fuzzy head off. But it was the sweetest screams I have ever heard. The scream that signaled: I was an aunt! 

Every day since that moment has been a walk on the wild side, as that tiny human became more and more of a person of personality.

Tell me to imagine one more day without him, and I can't. You wouldn't be able to either if this was the face you fell in love with.

Every day I get to spend with this crazy little boy is an adventure.

I love every face you have.

Every mess you make.

Every time you cuddle.

Every silly "Bubbyism"

Yes you dapper little gentleman, I love you head to toe. Every little thing about you. I think I will keep you. Thank you for letting me be your tia. You mean the world to me, and I love getting to love you! Sweet guy, YOU ARE THE BESTEST, WHOLE HAND OLD GUY!

Dear nephew, may God bless you today as you celebrate all things YOU! I pray your heart continues to be as tender and sensitive as it is now. The Lord has many big things in store for you. And know that as you embark on each journey, you have a slew of family being your prayer warriors. I love you SO much Fluffy! Happy birthday, Little Mister!
~Love Tia Squishy


Joshua 1:5, 9:
"No one will be able to withstand you as long as you live. Just as I was with Moshe, so I will be with you. I will neither fail you nor abandon you...Haven’t I ordered you, ‘Be strong, be bold’? So don’t be afraid or downhearted, because Adonai your God is with you wherever you go.”

Not Done Learning

Its been almost two weeks since I took my big sister to the airport and said adios. And guess what? SHE COMES HOME TOMORROW! You have no idea how ready I am! Its been terribly lonely here without here. Yes, my family is here, but everyone else has jobs outside the home, and AH and I work together, at home. So with the person I spend most of my time with gone, I've been alone a lot. I'm thankful as I have had friends willing to come over at weird times and been able to spend time with old friends, friends that have been gone (look for a post about my Ginger friend soon! :)), and friends that I just love dearly. But some days nap time would roll around and the house would be still and quiet. The laundry done, dishes taken care of, dinner thought about and not much left for me to do. Its been good practice and a lot of fun taking care of multiple kids and a house and family, but when I'm a mom (and have my license!;)) I will take my kids out more because I have gone a tad crazy being cooped up. I was thankful for the Bible study we've had, and little things like going to the bank, or friends who picked me up for dinner. It was nice to get out!

So for as fun and challenging as these weeks have been, I'm glad to see them coming to a close. It's time for me to go back to normal.

I've learned though, that I still have a lot to learn. That although there were days I had everything done, I still had days that I didn't. I've learned that the people God has put around me for now, are the people I need the most: my family. I've learned that some days, you may go without exercise, lunch or a shower, but you can't go without time with Him. I've learned that I take for granted having my close stay looking nice and clean; and only having to clean the bathroom once a week... I've learned that things are just things. That if they end up with someone else, it doesn't matter; and that I have more to give than just things anyways. And I should freely give as He has freely given. I have learned not to worry. Not that I don't...I do, I've just relearned how important it is to not; I have learned that my worrying is telling God "I don't think you will provide for me." But He who has freely given all things will surely provide for me. If He can provide strength for the beasts of the field, He will surely provide for me. I have learned that I cannot do it all. And sometimes I need help. I have learned that biting my tongue and finding a sweet word help my days go better. I have found, that I am still under construction. That I am a masterpiece only just being started on.

"Wherever you are - be all there." -Jim Elliot

Disciplining self: Mama bear's confessions

After the weekend, I got two days off thanks to snow and ice blanketing our area of the world. I lazily stayed in bed two hours past when I would have been getting up had I had the kids. But with my extra two hours, I regret to say, I did nothing beneficial. I played games on my phone and enjoyed slowly getting going. I put off my person time with Christ until later, and let me tell you. I reaped some pretty unpleasant repercussions. Its interesting how one little thought of "I have time" completely rearranges your day. I found that the less Jesus being poured in, meant the more "me" was coming out, and "me" is not real nice sometimes.

This morning, though I had a two hour delay, I was up more normal time. I had my personal visit with the Father, and then I got up and got going. Though I was a few minutes behind, I had things back in the right order. I've found joy easier, and chores more enjoyable. I've bit my tongue before it ran like wildfire, and I was able to gently coach my Little through a tough math lesson. My morning has gone far better.

When God is first, everything else in life follows. It doesn't mean that everything is perfect; far from it. It just means you face those things that come, no matter what, with Him. So if its a whiny toddler, a fussy baby, a stubborn house-mate, or something as simple as chores, with Him, you are given the supernatural strength to handle them His way.

Don't take as long as I did to remember the way things are supposed to be. I promise you, that it's worth waking up thirty minutes earlier. Don't allow the flesh to be stronger; the bliss is quickly fleeting.

As for me, today its back to two, but my morning FINALLY started off right. No, I didn't have time to work out, get a shower, or clean something before my little guy got here, but I've been able to speak kindly, and guess what? Last load of laundry is in the dryer now! And nap time is coming! I can get a shower then! :)

Happy Hump-day, y'all!

Here comes Mama Bear

No, this is not a post about my mom.

Its not about my sister or any friends who are moms.

In fact, it's not even about a specific mom, or moms in general.

No. This is a post about me.

Me, who is most definitely not a mom.

As an act of love and service the sister I do most everything with; from scrubbing down the kitchen to taking care of babehs to teaching ESL; has left me, FOR TWO WEEKS. I'm very thankful she is where she is, but I am already missing her something fierce.

She has flown south to help out some friends that we call "family." They have three children, and we love the whole family dearly. Just a few short months ago, we got a picture via text letting us know, there was one more coming! (8 years after the youngest!) It was like being told one of my sisters were pregnant! The next nine months were very hard, and her pregnancy was rough and medically dangerous.
Finally, on the 17th, a beautiful little girl arrived! Healthy and whole! However, there were still some complications, as the mom has been hospitalized since with high blood pressure, and the baby in and out with high Bili Reuben levels. Enough was enough. So off she went down to be with them for two weeks. So understand me when I say this: I'm not sad she's there; I'm sad she's not here. Make sense?

Anyways. We pretty much work as a team, her and I. Without her here, I'm doing what we normally do together and then some and it is crazy! Since I could not go and be with the family, I volunteered to take her little boy for the next to weeks, in addition to my baby. And in a single week, we typically deep clean the house, have dinner ready most nights, get laundry done and dishes, and keep our babies clean, happy and fed. I'm finding that it is quite a feat.

She just left yesterday and already I'm counting down the days. And finding myself increasingly grateful for little things. Like only having my baby two days a week, instead of five. Like having my mom home three days a week instead of only two. Like friends who are willing to do stuff at weird hours so I'm not alone when mom and the Little do have to go to work. Like having only one baby in diapers (AH's little guy is newly potty-trained, however this has been quite a funny story for him and I...more to come on that.)

Yesterday, after deep cleaning the stairs, foyer, living room and bathroom; getting all the laundry done, and having the kitchen cleaned(i.e. just the dishes, but hey.) I was feeling preeeeetty awesome. But I got the little Pickle (as I call him, affectionately) up from his nap, and took him potty. Not to be all TMI, but basically, my clean bathroom had to be re-cleaned after a miscommunication between him and I. As he looked at his bull's eye wet spot on the back of his pants and then up at me, I literally sat down on the bathroom floor and just started laughing. What else could I do? There was no point in any other reaction, and it eased him up. We fixed our new found issue and went about our afternoon (only to repeat the incident today, and this time the pants were not there to catch it =/)

But today I had both kiddos. And thank the Lord, my mom as well. Up earlier than normal, working a little harder than normal. And feeling accomplished, but very tired. And the only label I can put on it is: mom. I feel like a mom. Not playing house with a silent, plastic baby doll that never actually needs a clean diaper or food. Yes its only been two days (roughly) but I'm starting to have a new found appreciation for young mamas all over the world. And thank goodness, there is no one coming home that I have to look all nice for, because I'm not sure that will happen so much the next few weeks. I'll get there eventually.

And even though it's been a harder two days than normal, it hasn't deterred me at all. This is what I want. This is what I'm training for. And I guess that's why I'm thankful for these few weeks of "trial run" by myself. I obviously have some work to do, but I am loving every crazy, chaotic moment of it! :)

As I type my little girl is screaming in protest of a nap. This may become the chronicles of a mom in training for the next few weeks but until this....

~the lady with snot on her shirt

What kind of person will they see?

I just finished vacuuming my room. No abnormal task. However, we're preparing for some old, out-of-town friends to come and stay this weekend on their way through town. Now, for all practical purposes, these people don't know me. I'm not friends with the mom on facebook as of now, I don't talk to them, and they are no longer involved in much of my life aside from seeing what mom posts. That said, for me, they're virtual strangers. Housing this family is an honor. My family bought this house in hopes of being a welcoming spot for many (and proud of my parents for accomplishing this!)

All this being said, as I was readying my room for our guests, I looked around. My closet holds not just my clothing, but my baby's equipment, and my sisters' school supplies and extra books, and an ancient AC unit. My room in general says "eclectic." I have a desk littered with all my necessary things for writing, crafting, and sketching. I have roughly 13 name books, different novels, and devotionals and two different Bibles(English and Spanish) lining the wall closest to my bed. I have a small white table sporting a tiny TV/DVD combination for sleepovers and my good ole Super Nintindo64  with some flowered tea cups I bought from IKEA. The wall behind it is entirely dedicated to special things; notes, pictures, sketches, tickets and ticket stubs, and etc. Its covered. In the center focal point of my room, is my new, big, beautiful, dark wood queen bed with multi-shades of purple, circle-like flowers covering the bedspread.

I finished vacuuming. And I just wondered "what kind of person will these people see?"

When they look around at my unique room, that's still somewhere between teenhood and womanhood, what will they see? Will they see just- junk? Will they see my dreamy, whimsical nature? Maybe they'll see my sentimental side. Or perhaps they'll find me old fashioned with new tastes. I don't know. But this one simple thought got me thinking a whole lot more. What do people in general see when they see me? What kind of person am I? Do they see how important my family is to me, or do other things seem more important? Do I come across vain or  unkempt or do I have a healthy balance?

More than any of these things, do people see Jesus when they look at me?

I don't know why I thought about these things, or even if they matter. But it's interesting to wonder- what do people see, when people see you?

15 facts Friday

Why not, ya know?

1. I have four sisters, and our ages spans 17 years. We got the best looks when Little was born! :) 
2. I recently became ESL certified(English as a second language) and have class of Spanish speakers I co-teach with my sister, AH.
3. I still don't have my license(and I turn 20 this year).
4. My favorite hoodie is a hand-me-down from my brother-in-law. 
5. My dad, second born nephew, and myself all share a middle name. (As well as several distant family members.) 
6. In continuation of the last fact, only one other female in the family also has it(as far as I am aware at least). 
7. I am the first of my immediate family to have been 100% home-educated. My older sister went to pre-K and I pride myself on never having received alternate education ;)
8. I have never traveled out of the country, but I hope to go to Costa Rica, Puerto Rico, or El Salvador soon! (These are just the first places on my list :)
9. Both of my grandma's were able to be in the delivery room when I was born, and my dad's mom actually named me!
10. For my birthday, my parents gave me a queen sized bed; however I still sleep to one edge of it as if it were my old twin bed. I'm slowly working my way to the middle!
11. My favorite Disney princess/movies are: Mulan, Beauty and the Beast, and Tangled. For my 16th birthday, my parents got me the special edition of B&B, per my request.
12. Although I love a good romance novel, my most read and enjoyed authors are Ted Dekker and Frank Peretti. (Christian thriller/horror) 
13. I'm not much of an animal person, but I one day hope to own three dogs: A basset hound, a blood hound, and a beagle. 
14. I have visited Philadelphia three times and LOVE it! (Not being punny...)
15. And last and definitely not most important, I am the only Android user in my family. Everyone else either has dumb phones...or Iphones! O.o

Feeling Thoughtful

We don't always know where the Father has us going, and sometimes the getting there is rough or confusing, but I would rather be terrified at the center of His will, than stay in the feeling of false comfort in the middle of mine.

This time is a time for discretion, but pray for me as I feel some changes are on the near horizon. As it has been said, "the best is yet to come," so until then, I will continue to live exactly where He has me!

"Every story had to start 'once upon a time' and though you may see a dull 'the end', find the happily ever after.'" Anonymous

Beauty Hacks-take two

I have about 15 posts with substance in the making, however they are just not coming together how I want them to go.

So in the mean time, here's some more of my favorite/original BEAUTY HACKS. (Part one here)

SKIN CARE:

1) I have told y'all before that I have very oily skin. HOWEVER. I have read a TON about over-drying your face; and all the information in its most basic form is: when you dry out your face(over wash), your pores over compensate for the stripped oils, and leave your skin even oilier. (Same general idea goes for your hair as well, I'll write about this later on.)

ANYWAYS. Someone in my family bought this lotion, decided they didn't like it. So I took it. On the back it notes "won't clog pores" and I took a little risk and put it aaaaallll over my face. Forehead to chin, earlobe to earlobe. The next morning I rolled over and skeptically looked in my little mirror. To my surprise, not only was there indeed no new spots on my face, but my normally angry looking skin was quite clear. So now it's been several weeks of applying this to my face right before I go to sleep, and my skin has cleared up SO MUCH. Old scars are gone. My skin isn't splotchy, or red and angry looking; and no new spots have appeared. My skin is yes still oily, but slightly less than normal. And it's super clear. More than it has been in YEARS.

2) However sometimes, ya do get those spots that nothing seems to help and no, there is no miracle cream or paste or concoction. But this little green stuff helps a lot. I used to apply it all over my face before I started doing the lotion; the lotion works better. However for little tough spots, this stuff is good. (If you chose to use it all over, you'll look like Shrek, but it fades by morning.) Its better in small portions like concentrated spots instead of all over. It dries out new spots and this also helped clear up some old scars.



GENERAL:

~I've talked about my goats milk soap before. But I can't speak highly enough of it. I am out and in desperate need of more!  This stuff kept my skin clear and healthy looking, and helped with some general body odor. I HAVE MISSED THIS STUFF. I'll post a link here where you can get some for $5 a bar. Its incredible.

I actually have nothing else. Just theses.

More to come as I discover them! :)

A year in Review:

This has been one of those years, where I look back on it, and I have one thought: "I wouldn't trade it, but God, please never give it to me again!"

This year, like any, had its ups and downs. But I feel like these were on the dramatic/big side and thus felt like I've been on a roller coaster for the past 12 months. So hitting the big stuff:

(A snapshot from January)

January: If you recall this post, my year started off kind of rocky. By my own choices I found myself in the slumps by January. People talk about the new year as a "starting over" time, but I had never experienced it quite like this. In addition to starting off a little rocky, it was my final semester of school. I had worried my brain for months about finishing school and finding a job or taking classes and not being sure what was next, so January was bitter sweet. I went on my final youth retreat, and honestly, I don't remember much of it.

February: In February we journeyed to DC for AH's birthday. I enjoy trave

(DC birthday excursion)

ling a lot, so this was my highlight this month! We did a lot of walking around and eating of some amazing food! (Panas was the best for me!)The Little also had a birthday and turned 12, making me feel ancient.

March: Not a whole lot happened in March, except for the only "big" snow, EP's first anniversary and my oldest nephew's fourth birthday.

However, April began the busy season for me, and I feel like maybe that hasn't stopp

(Me and the birthday boy from March)

ed yet! My third nephew made his grand entrance into the world! How much love you can have for such a little person never ceases to amaze me! Also, I got the privilege of traveling to Philadelphia with the student pastor, his wife and one other student who just happens to be a good pal of mine. It was a unique experience to say the least. We kind of went as a "prep" trip for the missions trip that we took in June. We got to meet the pastor we'd be working with and see the church and area ahead of time, as well as tour the area we'd be staying in. The student pastor and his wife are from the area so they took us around to some of their favorite places, and it was fun seeing a local's point of view without a large group to tote around. I enjoyed the quality time with just a few others.

(Graduation with Ginger)

May: This was when things really started getting busy for me! I graduated in May! (Along side one of my dear friends! Which was such a blessing, since neither of us wanted to have the spotlight all to ourselves, and we had talked about this for years, both being homeschooled! :) After graduation, I spent a week back in DC with my sister's family. It was nice to get away from the norm and spend the extra time with her and my nephews! Only a few days later, I went to the beach with some friends. It's been kind of a tradition in my church for the juniors and seniors to get away for a few days towards the end of the school year. So off we went. I was a lobster. On a more solemn note, we lost a nephew to heaven this month. All that love you build up for a person and not meeting them. The suspense of waiting for Heaven to hold the little one is hard. It was not a fun or easy thing to pack on to such a busy time already. Although the season may have been busy, my Angel nephew is not forgotten and little Enoch Barnett, my other nephews and brothers are all waiting for us.

(Philadelphia skyline)

(Quince Princess)

In June I went back to Philadelphia for the missions trip and honestly, I love this city so much! In this month was one of the coolest and most special things I've ever done. Both DC and Philadelphia are special to me, for different reasons. The earlier part of June held a different, cool and amazing experience for me. One of my dear friends celebrated her 15th birthday. Although she was born here, she is El Salvadorean and had a traditional quinceañera. She had a big princess dress and a few of the traditional tokens or ceremonies of a quince. However, since she is a believer, she chose not to do a lot of them; she just chose a few that were special to her, instead of the extensive ceremony. We also have a large homeschool convention that we attend every June and the past several years I've volunteered in the children's program. It's about 22 hours of volunteer service, all said and done. And I love it! This past year especially I got to know a handful of girls that I've kept in fairly good contact with (facebook is good for this, as well as instagram).

(4th of July with the sisters)

By July I was somewhat worn out from a whirlwind two months that proceeded it. I was thankful for what felt like at the time, a dramatic halt in life. We had our one or two fourth of July celebrations and celebrated my nephew's second birthday. Other than that July was slower-paced for the most part.

August was much fuller. I went roller skating for the first time in YEARS! It was an absolute blast! I also sang with the Spanish church for a community event, finished my time with my youth group, went on a weekend conference with AH and spent a weekend at a friend's house with a few other girls. The five of us are pretty good friends, and all homeschooled. We range in ages from 15 to 19 and enjoy being together. My grandfather got really sick, and we stepped up our involvement with them. In pleasant weather, I go over once every other week and mow for them and my cousin cleans indoors.

(sibling picture from the beach, 2013)

The end of August/beginning of September came biting with a brain tumor. A unpleasant experience to the max. God's hand was seen all throughout it, though, and even still we can see how He worked; at the time it was little things, and looking back, bigger things. God has chosen to heal J this side of heaven and for that we are SO thankful! (You can read J's journey here) He is now undergoing radiation treatments and is halfway done! The hope is that the radiation kills off anything that was leftover after his second surgery and he will be officially cancer free. Keep praying for the Father to be glorified! Along with this, my family's yearly vacation had been planned for just days after his first surgery, and since there was a lot invested in the trip and enough people at home to take care of him, we went ahead and went. It was nice to be away for a while. When we got home we jumped in with two feet. Life was crazy, far from normal, and working forward with incredible speeds. The Little started 7th grade, and AH began homeschooling Yenny (who's quince we celebrated). "Madhouse" doesn't even begin to describe life at this point!

(My birthday dessert)

(Yenny, the Little and I "planning" fundraising)

In addition to being here for school, Yenny and I felt very burdened to help raise some funds for J. So when October rolled around we had our first two fundraisers! The first one we had nothing to do with, save Yenny singing. We held a benefit concert and raised far more than any of us had expected. A few short, crazy weeks later we had event #2 and held a dinner. (Too many people trying to plan! :) Oh well, both were blessed events!) In the weeks in between the two, Yenny and I (along with LOADS of help from other adults) spent a lot of time seeking donations from local businesses and even some bigger stores like Kroger) also, my family went apple picking and spent a day in the mountains. This was very nice and felt a bit like the calm before the storm! I also began nannying! Crazy month! But all too quickly, October drew to a close and I celebrated my 19th birthday! My sister made me lomo saltado (a Peruvian dish) and my mom made me these tasty little raspberry chocolate tarts. DELICIOUS.

(Gettysburg with the fam)

November rolled around and it was a bit of "big event let down". All of the sudden everything I had spent my whole month pouring into was over. I got to go to a Chris Tomlin concert with my oldest sister, her husband and their oldest. It was a blast! Later on we traveled to Pennsylvania for a weekend in Gettysburg and I got some bangs to change up my look a littl
e. Towards the end of the month things got a little busy again with Thanksgiving, Black Friday (an actual event in my house), and a surprise birthday party for my oldest sister. This was one of the best/coolest Thanksgivings ever! I loved every second of the weekend!

(FINALLY!)

Although December is a fairly busy season, I didn't go to any Christmas parties or events this year. Even though I always look forward to it, I was thankful for my evenings to be mostly at home. I enjoyed family time in the Bible leading up to the birth of Christ, and making an ornament for different key events along the way. I did, however, get to meet up with a friend that I have been talking to via social media for over two years. She's moved closer to me, and so we've already enjoyed a closer-distance friendship!

That brings me up
to this week. We spent Christmas morning here at home with just us five. We were then joined by EP and MrP. And a little later on for brunch by my mom's family. In the afternoon we had Christmas with Dad's side of the family and then we left Thursday morning to spend the weekend with Meg and her family. It was nice, overall, even if somewhat chaotic.

To look back on the year is both good and odd to me. I started this post, almost with a "WOE is me" attitude, thinking "Oh SO much has happened!" And a lot has, but not nearly as much as I thought had. It feels like a lot, and of course there are things I chose not to make public that will stay in my heart to ponder. However overall, God was with me through all the ups, downs, ins and outs of my year, and for it I now look at the year and can say "Its ok." Am I making any sense??? :)

Merry Christmas from the Sibs at National Harbor!

God has brought me a loooong way since last December, and for that I am most thankful. I'll just briefly say a few things He's taught me:

~To trust Him, and His unfailing will. No matter what circumstances I face.
~We often see our circumstances with a very distorted view of flawed human analysis, seeing things as far worse than they really are.
~God has my parents as my parents for my benefit, and to talk to them is a greater blessing than I had ever imagined possible before this year.
~The Father works ALL things together for the good of those who LOVE Him!

May each of you have a blessed NEW YEAR with all things bright and new!

Blessings to each of you!

~Mal