I've been so happy lovin' you

I had about a million good reasons for changing my job, and since quitting the one to more to the next, I've had no regrets. But I would be lying if I said that the actual job changing was without pain. In fact it's been one of the most painful job transitions I've made. When you leave a nannying job, you leave more than just a job; you leave this little person you love so very dearly.

Pictures have been coming up on my newsfeed from two years ago when he first came and I confess, I have actually cried a little. I miss him.

I keep looking at this picture.

I keep thinking about that sweet lullaby that Uncle Jesse sang on Full House. The one line, "I've been so happy loving you" keeps playing though my mind. Although nannying did not come without it's own little baggie of trouble, I was so very happy loving my little Bear.

I can't wait to make coffee all day. I can't wait to smell like coffee at the end of my shift. I can't wait to serve people and build relationships with customers. But I confess, I miss my boy.

I'm ready to move on to the next adventure, but as there's a time for everything, I'm not totally over this job.

I still miss his silliness.

I still call bananas "buhnahs"

I still have the little blanket you used for nap time.

I hope dearly you come by for gelato for time to time baby, your nanny loves you still! :)

The Killjoy that is Defeat

My day started off in the deficit when I woke myself up, terrified, that I not only overslept my alarm, but was thirty minutes late for receiving my baby. Only once I had completely woken myself up and was oriented enough to check the time on my phone (the clock on the other side of the room was still groggy looking) did I discover that I still had an hour of sleeping time. Trying to calm my racing heart, I was jumpy for the next hour, sure that my day was going to start later than it was supposed to. Strike One.

After a number unsuccessful attempts at dieting(mostly pathetic attempts on my own), exercising and loosing weight, I vowed never again. I wasn't going to stay hungry to not loose weight. But here came another one, waving its banner of "eat real food!" and the testimonies of people dropping pounds and inches and if it wasn't for a number of people I know personally having success on this particular program, I probably wouldn't have bought it. Yet on the bandwagon I jumped and hating myself every second for it. Lets be honest, all I want is a doughnut, I've been hungry for a week now, and on the day that everyone else is posting "one week in and down three pounds!" I stepped on the scale and GAINED weight. Everyone else shedding the pounds and #lovingit and I'm over here, dumbfounded as I stare at the screen (we don't have a scale, so we use our Wii fit) +.2lbs. OK so I didn't even gain half a pound- but when everyone else is down three pounds, I would have been happy with one. But I didn't. More on this whole subject later; I haven't given up...I'm still on it. However, gaining the weight when everyone else lost, was my Strike Two.

Fast forward an hour, and my baby is now in his third outfit of the day. Why? My scattered brain wasn't there enough to think "hey the baby wearing cloth diapers needs a change now." Nanny of the year award. Strike Three.

Its not even 10AM and I have already struck out on my day. At this point, cue the "every wrong thought" flood, and I realize, I haven't worked out since Friday. I'm starving. Decrease my calorie intake. If I take one more swig of water I am going to hurl. Why is my baby only sleeping for 20 minutes at a time? Gosh I really want a slice of pizza. Great- my poor little sister did not need the blow of forceful words from me; its not her fault I can't loose weight. Did my license come? Mail comes: no license. (more on this later as well)

I'm still wearing clothes that at any given point have had a number of unidentified liquids on them. My hair looks like I haven't showered in a week. My room looks like Dorothy's house decided to land there instead of the Wicked Witch of the East. My self esteem is hanging out below sea level. And even this blog post has been devastatingly irritating to try to write. (Devastatingly is dramatic. I just really wanted to use the word devastatingly.)

And at the moment I think "THAT'S IT!" The sweetest eight year old is begging for me to snuggle with him. My mom is taking my baby and giving me a hug. And my dad gives me that good-bye-eye grin that makes me smile.

I still want a cupcake. I still feel pretty slummy. I still really dislike Mondays. But this day is no less the Lord's than tomorrow. My family is still loving me through my mood swings. And coffee is still the answer to a lot of questions.

As one of my favorite literary characters once said, "Isn't it nice to think that tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet?" Bring it Tuesday. After today, I can handle anything. Besides, Tuesday is Bible study day. And those are some of the best! :)

tia on duty

First off, I'm sorry for my month of silence. Between getting the house ready and having it ready for showings, I've hardly touched my laptop. In fact, this is the first time in probably a month that I am sitting down to use it at all. (aside from cutting on music, and that, well lets get real, hardly counts.)

Now onto life as I (currently) know it...I am presently at my sister's house! It was a two-way favor, see. They needed a sitter for an event, and I needed some time away. So in return for a babysitter, they are letting me stay a few days, and I am loving every second with these guys!

Those of you who read my blog at all, know that I come from what is culturally accepted as a "large" family. With four sisters(just on this side of the family) and three nephews, it can be difficult to get one-on-one time, as they are often the most popular attendees at family functions.

But here I am. The only tia for miles. The one for who's attention they are pining. Every little thing they do, from "look at this stick" to "watch me jump off this wall," the comment I hear squealed out of their little mouths is "Yonnie look!!"

The one recently got glasses and is starting to read, another finding his voice and learning to communicate his opinion and the other is in the early stages of learning to walk. Each of them so different. Their own person. They all have likes, and dislikes. Each a voice and face of their own. Each precious and lovely to me. One look. One word. And this tia is melting at their beck and call.

But, even if I would give them the world if they asked, I've found myself in a difficult position.

Three such different guys. Three little people. Three love languages. Three ages. Three names. Three behaviour patterns. Three personalities.

And only. One. Me. No other aunts, uncles, grandparents or anyone else to help make sure each child felt important.

Oh how desperately I want each of them to feel loved and cherished and important! For them to be able to look back and to say "My aunt took time for me. She listened. She loved me."

I have quickly found myself tuning out the copious amounts of noise; turning a deaf ear whatever unidentifiable sound is coming from the back seat or other room; and unfortunately even snapping when they weren't listening to "gentle" instruction.

But while I was here alone, I had this revelation of common knowledge dawn on me: it goes too fast. I looked around and man, I told my sister the mess would have made a nun swear because it had gotten that bad that fast. I won't even go into detail about the mess, the baby has been just off for two days and appears to be getting sick, so he was clingy and fussy. The older two were absolutely wound! They had enough energy to demote the energizer bunny. I didn't even feel stressed about the chaos I had allow to descend on the house, and before I knew it, #2 was asking me what I was singing.

Singing?

Yep. Singing. You guys have got to believe me...it took me an hour and a half to clean up after I put the kids down. And I didn't even care. I enjoyed cleaning up. Because I knew that I had spent time with the little boys who so dearly love me and are glad that I am here with them.

The cake that in my mind was total bust was a little sliver of heavenly sweetness to them. They didn't care that my hair was messy or that my outfit totally clashed. They don't care if I have eloquent speech or use fancy words. It does not impress them when I sing or speak Spanish. They won't remember those things.

The mess remained until they were down. But we had fun. We played games and laughed and just enjoyed being tia and nephews. We sang lullabies and quoted Bible verses together. And it turned out to be a lovely night. I wouldn't change one single thing about it.

So now here it is. 12:30am. I'm sitting in a clean house. With happy sleeping boys upstairs. And I am perfectly pleased to know, I was able to let it all go to be the tia on duty. The one that hears their stories, adventures, and complaints. To hold them when mommy's hand are full. To love them through rough patches. And to rejoice when they conqueror something great. But I will say, I'm glad I am not the only tia all the time. This is a tough job for one gal! ;)

feeling insane

There's a whole lot I have wanted to say, and I quite simply have not had the time to say, well any of it. I had an Easter post stirring in my head, as well as a number of others and I just haven't had the time to sit down and type it up.

I will sincerely hope to post this week, but don't count on it cos, WE'RE MOVING.

Ok so, we're not moving this week, but we are getting the house ready to go on the market. Which means like, all day projects; neck deep in closets, and attics and other many dark and crowded places.

Good thing: We are getting rid of SO MUCH old and useless junk! I know the foundation of this house is very happy to lose a few pounds.

Bad thing: It takes a very. Very. VERY long time to go through each of these dark places. Like. So long. So it's been maybe two weeks of hot and heavy work. And we have yet to do the big attic. Kind of not looking forward to that.

I pretty much hate the whole idea of an attic anyways. Like, "oh here's an idea. Let's make a (common) room in homes, where there is a giant HOLE in the middle of the floor, and anytime people have to use said room, they have to maneuver heavy items without falling into it!" Hm. Let me guess...it started as a practical joke and then became a trend. Like every other horrible idea...

So anyways. Still have the attic and several other projects like ripping up twenty year old carpet and patching up damaged walls. Didn't realize how much you beat up a house till you have to fix it...goodness.

Anyways that's just a glimpse into my life. But its to bed with me cos my allergies decided to absolutely HATE me this year. And I feel pretty horrid right now. My vaporizer is already going (Vics has been a must the past two nights) and my night meds are starting to draw my eyelids down. Lovely.

Happy Easter, and as I learned today, Feliz Pascua! :)

~Mal

Measure up.

Glancing in the mirror the other day, I smiled lightly to myself. I didn't look half bad that day.

But.

I have struggled with self image for as long as I can remember. I recall being as young as 8 or 9, and laying in bed, on my back, and trying to see how thick I was from my back to my belly, and my mom coming in and asking me what I was doing. I remember having friends over after church and having to scour my clothing for something small enough for them to wear. This one time one of my older sister's friends came over and she had to borrow something of mine. At 10+ years between us, I remember feeling embarrassed because someone so much older than me was wearing my clothes (I was like 10 at the time, so older clearly meant bigger in my mind.) To this day, among my friends group, I'm the largest, one of the shortest, and probably one of the palest.

Any time I begin to think, "Hey I'm not so wide!" I see on of my very tiny friends and realize "...oh but I am."

I look in the mirror of my poorly lit bathroom and see my skin and think "I'm not that pale!" And then I stand next to Yenny. (I guess being Salvadorean gives her the benefit? :))

I have different thoughts like, "My acne isn't so bad. Or my 'girl-stache" isn't so noticeable. Or I'm not that short. Or my hair is kind of long!"  And yet, somehow, something happens to make me realize, I always fall short. I do not measure up in someway. Every. Single. Time. There is always someone who has whatever I have, better.

But I'm holding myself to an impossible standard. One of culturally defined beauty that no one woman has reached it on her own. Any woman who has reached an unnatural ideal has done it...unnaturally. Either by cosmetic surgery and chemicals or by photoshop and airbrushing. Or worse, both. So girls(myself among them) see these unrealistic pictures of "beauty" and strive within our means to reach them and obviously, don't. And when we finally feel good about something, we find someone who has it better and then it's back to level zero again.

But there's another unreachable standard. And one that not just girls fail with. One that every single person fails with. And that most every person strives for.

So what is this totally impossible standard?

Perfection.

Beautiful, unmarred, sacred, glorious perfection.

But good news!

We have a means to reach this one.

You see, as we are all unlovely, we cannot be with the God, who IS love.

BUT! Because He is Love, He made a way for us! He tells us this: "...God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."

My pastor said this gem on Sunday. Consider it. "God, sent is Son, to come and live the live you were created to live, and then to die for the one you chose to live instead."

It is OUR fault, but God loves us too much to let that be the end. So He goes on to tell us: "Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God’s wrath through him!"

When we accept the sacrifice of His life, God looks at us and sees His son! The wrath He would have poured out on our unmeasured up selves was instead poured out on his son, and because of that, we, though not on our own strength, finally measure up! And that, ladies and gentlemen, is far more worth our time than any humanly concocted idea of perfection. 

Because out of that love for His sacrifice, we obey His Words. Not to gain His approval, but to show our love for all He has done for us. And sometimes, that's not glamorous or fabulous. But to Him, it is beautiful. He tells us in His word that it is "Music to His ears." 

I don't know about you, but that, that is worth never measuring up here.

Not Done Learning

Its been almost two weeks since I took my big sister to the airport and said adios. And guess what? SHE COMES HOME TOMORROW! You have no idea how ready I am! Its been terribly lonely here without here. Yes, my family is here, but everyone else has jobs outside the home, and AH and I work together, at home. So with the person I spend most of my time with gone, I've been alone a lot. I'm thankful as I have had friends willing to come over at weird times and been able to spend time with old friends, friends that have been gone (look for a post about my Ginger friend soon! :)), and friends that I just love dearly. But some days nap time would roll around and the house would be still and quiet. The laundry done, dishes taken care of, dinner thought about and not much left for me to do. Its been good practice and a lot of fun taking care of multiple kids and a house and family, but when I'm a mom (and have my license!;)) I will take my kids out more because I have gone a tad crazy being cooped up. I was thankful for the Bible study we've had, and little things like going to the bank, or friends who picked me up for dinner. It was nice to get out!

So for as fun and challenging as these weeks have been, I'm glad to see them coming to a close. It's time for me to go back to normal.

I've learned though, that I still have a lot to learn. That although there were days I had everything done, I still had days that I didn't. I've learned that the people God has put around me for now, are the people I need the most: my family. I've learned that some days, you may go without exercise, lunch or a shower, but you can't go without time with Him. I've learned that I take for granted having my close stay looking nice and clean; and only having to clean the bathroom once a week... I've learned that things are just things. That if they end up with someone else, it doesn't matter; and that I have more to give than just things anyways. And I should freely give as He has freely given. I have learned not to worry. Not that I don't...I do, I've just relearned how important it is to not; I have learned that my worrying is telling God "I don't think you will provide for me." But He who has freely given all things will surely provide for me. If He can provide strength for the beasts of the field, He will surely provide for me. I have learned that I cannot do it all. And sometimes I need help. I have learned that biting my tongue and finding a sweet word help my days go better. I have found, that I am still under construction. That I am a masterpiece only just being started on.

"Wherever you are - be all there." -Jim Elliot

Disciplining self: Mama bear's confessions

After the weekend, I got two days off thanks to snow and ice blanketing our area of the world. I lazily stayed in bed two hours past when I would have been getting up had I had the kids. But with my extra two hours, I regret to say, I did nothing beneficial. I played games on my phone and enjoyed slowly getting going. I put off my person time with Christ until later, and let me tell you. I reaped some pretty unpleasant repercussions. Its interesting how one little thought of "I have time" completely rearranges your day. I found that the less Jesus being poured in, meant the more "me" was coming out, and "me" is not real nice sometimes.

This morning, though I had a two hour delay, I was up more normal time. I had my personal visit with the Father, and then I got up and got going. Though I was a few minutes behind, I had things back in the right order. I've found joy easier, and chores more enjoyable. I've bit my tongue before it ran like wildfire, and I was able to gently coach my Little through a tough math lesson. My morning has gone far better.

When God is first, everything else in life follows. It doesn't mean that everything is perfect; far from it. It just means you face those things that come, no matter what, with Him. So if its a whiny toddler, a fussy baby, a stubborn house-mate, or something as simple as chores, with Him, you are given the supernatural strength to handle them His way.

Don't take as long as I did to remember the way things are supposed to be. I promise you, that it's worth waking up thirty minutes earlier. Don't allow the flesh to be stronger; the bliss is quickly fleeting.

As for me, today its back to two, but my morning FINALLY started off right. No, I didn't have time to work out, get a shower, or clean something before my little guy got here, but I've been able to speak kindly, and guess what? Last load of laundry is in the dryer now! And nap time is coming! I can get a shower then! :)

Happy Hump-day, y'all!

Son of God: A mama Bear review

Ah to have the weekends off! :) I was able to go to the movies with Yanet and a few friends last night and it was nice to be out for a bit!

Before I went to see it, I decided to look up a few of reviews and found everything from "BEST MOVIE EVER!" to "Horrible as (insert worst thing here)" So I went, quite open minded because I knew that it may or may not be worth it.

The film opens with John as the narrator. I found it appropriate as he kind of leads us quickly through major events bringing us to Christ himself. The first half of the movie is dedicated to His ministry, and I had read reviews stating that they found this "boring" and many found it unscriptural. Let me pause here and expand on both of these.

Boring:
Not. Now, for someone who has never read the Bible, knows very little about Jesus and His work while He was here, may have found it hard to follow. And I think they did the best they could as far as a lot of walking and talking. I appreciated that they made Him very real. He touched people, He was personable. He would squat and get on eye-level with children and tickle their bellies. They did very well with keeping to the idea of His ministry.

Unscriptural:
Sorta. They took some liberties, they smushed some things together, and, for obvious reasons left a lot out. The overall message was clear, and they did not shy away from using strait scripture for some dialog/talks, although often it was the wrong person or time for a verse to be said.

My personal major issues with the unscriptural areas were not based on total Biblical support. Meaning, they had Mary Magdalene traveling with them, but scripture doesn't states that she did or didn't. I guess since this was left up to the imagination, they said she did. However, it did develop that deep love she so clearly had for Christ in the Bible as written. I was sad they did not include her perfume episode, as it would have been sweet after watching her love of Him (and the other followers) grow. They also did it well not to make any appearance of romance between her and Jesus. Other notes were the calling of Peter, the story of Nicodemus(again they interpreted this but there was no real Biblical evidence that how they did this was right or wrong.), and Lazarus's death and resurrection.

The way they chose to do somethings, I really appreciated. For example, the story of Judas's. They read between the lines, and added some emotion, and he wasn't just some heartless robot that hated Jesus. He in fact, wept when he was given the morsel of bread.

Something I noted that I was like "oh that's sad." Was that you only know a few of the disciples by name: Judas, Peter, John, and Thomas. You see Matthew get called to follow, but other than that, he just kind of blends into the background, and none of the others are ever called by name. 

Although I have never seen the Passion of the Christ, this film may have been enough for me. I wept most of the way through the beating and crucifixion. And my favorite line came as Peter left the tomb, when John goes states in despair: "He's gone" but Peter radiantly proclaims: "No...HE'S BACK!"

The film, overall, was well done. Capturing the most important part of Christ: His love for all people, and His sacrifice for all mankind.

I think for anyone, just watching this with a grain of salt (for minor things you may not agree with, poor script writing[although I didn't see this, some did], bad graphics, or actors) it is definitely worth the watch, and I am glad I went!

Smile: Mama bear part 3

The moment a child is conceived, or a house is purchased by a young couple, she has just been signed up for a job that will never end. Both comforting...and daunting.

Though I am neither with child, have a child married with a home...or without a home, I have been part-time tasked with both child and home. And although these jobs provide random "breaks" they never fully stop all at once. And any small task suddenly becomes a much longer job than normal. You start on the laundry only to hear the dishwasher finish. So you begin on those and at your heels is the toddler claiming he will shrivel up and die without a morsel of food. So while rummaging in the pantry for something to eat you hear the gut-wrenching sound of water pouring out of...somewhere. Afraid to ask, you  now have to mop up lake Eerie because while your back was turned, he found the water filter spout and began experimenting. Finally settled with his snack you now finish mopping and decide you yourself are a little hungry. "oops....forgot breakfast again." You open the fridge to dig out week-old yogurt and discover four week old mold growing on...something. This sets you on the war path to clean out the fridge and when you stack up all your empty dishes...you remember the whole sink of them. Again you set about doing them. And as you close it, little boy needs to go to the bathroom. When in there you find a million more things to do with all that spare time you just don't have.

And if you're anything like me. Instead of doing any of the billion things you could be, you fold up under the guise of "I have nothing to do the rest of the day...it will get done later on today."

While working my "laid back" mentality my mom was waiting on a skirt to be cleaned and my sister was in need of tea. And after being made aware of these things, I busily set about "Martha-ing" (my verb for working so quickly...you over look the people you're working for.) My little sister comes dancingly into the kitchen and just lays this in front of my face. She wasn't being rude. She had hardly seen me. Her gentle reminder stopped me in my tacks. I had been thinking of this post all morning deciding I was going to be so clever in how I talked about potty training, slacking off, or the fact that I ate my salad lunch strait out of the Ziploc baggie. But as I looked down down at this tiny foil reminder from my sister, I realized I had in fact been "Martha-ing" and no longer serving, just working. The difference, to me, is this: you're doing the same thing, getting the same thing done, but when you serve, you work with love. So after reading this from her, I opted to continue getting stuff done, but I did it with continued purpose, and availability instead of "just get it done" or "it will get done eventually." I am now able to sit and skype with Yanet for school, blog, and when I'm done, watch Cristy with mom and the Little. The work is done, but I finished with love.

When next you feel like steamrolling all you have to do, stop. And think of those you love enough to do this for.

~mama bear 

HERE ME ROAR: mama bear part two

Today, I rewarded myself.

I got the house cleaned on Tuesday. And yesterday was the first day I had both kiddos. Thankfully, my mom was here too, so when they went down, I helped put soup on and then I just chilled for a while.

BUT TODAY.

I ROARED.

I prepared mini quiches, hash browns and coffee punch, for an old friend who was coming to visit with me. But. I did all of that with a toddler! And then, when my friend got here, she ended up staying most of the day, and I got to enjoy the company of another adult! And it was amazing! And I felt awesome! (I am well aware that I am not being humble...but let me, heh?)

Tomorrow it's back to one young'un, and I have got to do the laundry. But Today was preeeetty good in training land! :)

Its been fun...but...I'm glad...no...thrilled that tomorrow is Friday! Helllloooooo weekend!

Here comes Mama Bear

No, this is not a post about my mom.

Its not about my sister or any friends who are moms.

In fact, it's not even about a specific mom, or moms in general.

No. This is a post about me.

Me, who is most definitely not a mom.

As an act of love and service the sister I do most everything with; from scrubbing down the kitchen to taking care of babehs to teaching ESL; has left me, FOR TWO WEEKS. I'm very thankful she is where she is, but I am already missing her something fierce.

She has flown south to help out some friends that we call "family." They have three children, and we love the whole family dearly. Just a few short months ago, we got a picture via text letting us know, there was one more coming! (8 years after the youngest!) It was like being told one of my sisters were pregnant! The next nine months were very hard, and her pregnancy was rough and medically dangerous.
Finally, on the 17th, a beautiful little girl arrived! Healthy and whole! However, there were still some complications, as the mom has been hospitalized since with high blood pressure, and the baby in and out with high Bili Reuben levels. Enough was enough. So off she went down to be with them for two weeks. So understand me when I say this: I'm not sad she's there; I'm sad she's not here. Make sense?

Anyways. We pretty much work as a team, her and I. Without her here, I'm doing what we normally do together and then some and it is crazy! Since I could not go and be with the family, I volunteered to take her little boy for the next to weeks, in addition to my baby. And in a single week, we typically deep clean the house, have dinner ready most nights, get laundry done and dishes, and keep our babies clean, happy and fed. I'm finding that it is quite a feat.

She just left yesterday and already I'm counting down the days. And finding myself increasingly grateful for little things. Like only having my baby two days a week, instead of five. Like having my mom home three days a week instead of only two. Like friends who are willing to do stuff at weird hours so I'm not alone when mom and the Little do have to go to work. Like having only one baby in diapers (AH's little guy is newly potty-trained, however this has been quite a funny story for him and I...more to come on that.)

Yesterday, after deep cleaning the stairs, foyer, living room and bathroom; getting all the laundry done, and having the kitchen cleaned(i.e. just the dishes, but hey.) I was feeling preeeeetty awesome. But I got the little Pickle (as I call him, affectionately) up from his nap, and took him potty. Not to be all TMI, but basically, my clean bathroom had to be re-cleaned after a miscommunication between him and I. As he looked at his bull's eye wet spot on the back of his pants and then up at me, I literally sat down on the bathroom floor and just started laughing. What else could I do? There was no point in any other reaction, and it eased him up. We fixed our new found issue and went about our afternoon (only to repeat the incident today, and this time the pants were not there to catch it =/)

But today I had both kiddos. And thank the Lord, my mom as well. Up earlier than normal, working a little harder than normal. And feeling accomplished, but very tired. And the only label I can put on it is: mom. I feel like a mom. Not playing house with a silent, plastic baby doll that never actually needs a clean diaper or food. Yes its only been two days (roughly) but I'm starting to have a new found appreciation for young mamas all over the world. And thank goodness, there is no one coming home that I have to look all nice for, because I'm not sure that will happen so much the next few weeks. I'll get there eventually.

And even though it's been a harder two days than normal, it hasn't deterred me at all. This is what I want. This is what I'm training for. And I guess that's why I'm thankful for these few weeks of "trial run" by myself. I obviously have some work to do, but I am loving every crazy, chaotic moment of it! :)

As I type my little girl is screaming in protest of a nap. This may become the chronicles of a mom in training for the next few weeks but until this....

~the lady with snot on her shirt