New Girl

*Disclaimer: this is one of those "brutally honest" kind of posts*

I am back in a place, I really thought and hoped I wouldn't be again. At least not so soon.

Back in the place where no one knows my name- again.

Where no one knows anything about me- again.

The place where, if we played "two truths and a lie", no one would have any context in which to make their guess.

Back in the place where the faces I see on Sunday, aren't people I talk to throughout the week. Aren't the people I am friends with on Facebook. And aren't the people I hang out with.

I'm back in a place where I am the new girl.

I'll be honest, the change didn't come as much of a surprise to me. I saw it coming- I just didn't see it coming so soon.

God has been leading our family on quite the journey and I just keep waiting for it to end. It's not a nightmare, it's not the worst thing ever. It's just long. Its arduous. It's tiring. It lacks a lot of deep connection, and includes a lot of names, faces, and surface greetings.

A friend recently shared this article and identified with almost every point, but #12 hit home right now. (Not the marriage aspect, but just in general.) I miss deep relationship. Dearly.

I left a church were I had a few connections (three or four of which I still keep in fairly consistent contact with, and would still consider them my nearest and dearest friends.) However, I spent the next 18 months or so pouring myself into a community of believers that I had an incredibly hard time plugging into. It was such a neat experience seeing this portion of the body, being apart of how they worship. But it didn't take long to realize it probably wasn't where I was supposed to be. However, I had joined the church fairly soon after coming to it, and kept my mouth shut.

I would mention to my mom every once in a while how hard it was trying to find some friendships (see above article). I craved it. I longed for it. I would look at girls and try to imagine a friendship with them. I had visions of myself gallivanting into a new church, making close friends with a few girls, doing all but everything with them, maybe even finding a dating relationship. But after a while, I realized that this dream wasn't a reality, and then I slowly grasped the fact that any kind of friendship was going to be hard to come by.

I kept plugging along, but started dreading church and Bible studies. I didn't want to go to a place, and be around people who didn't seem to notice if I was there or not. It was wearisome. I didn't like it and I didn't want to go- no matter how good the teaching was.

Eventually the only thing I went to was Sunday morning service. I went from dry to sand paper dry. The few people I had managed to get to remember my name quickly become objects playing out on the stage that was my life at church: I was just a viewer. A bystander. They were all apart of some thing that I was not. I wanted to be ok with this and just have friendships anyways. But I wasn't ok with it. And I wasn't having friendships. Whatever this "thing" was, was a crucial part to their relationships with one another. I conceded and just had to accept that what was, was what was. And leave it alone at that.

Not too longer after all of this went on in my mind and heart, my parents began mentioning maybe trying out a different church.

My stomach lurched. I knew exactly what this meant. I was about to be the new girl again.

I HATE being the new person. I can't even stress how much I detest the surface chitchat. It makes me look awkward because I don't "small talk" very well. How many things can we really come up with to ask and still manage not to get personal?

We've been gone for four weeks now and been to two churches in that time. Mostly because we really enjoyed the first one we tried and didn't want to try anywhere else. But with some encouragement, we've decided to keep looking until we're sure.

I didn't want to be here again. And yet here I am. This seems to keep happening. I ask of my readers one thing, please pray. Pray that we find where God would have us....and that I would learn whatever it is I am supposed to be learning as the new girl. Again.