Is He really my EVERYTHING?

Sorry for the silence on here; it's been busy busy for me!

This is a bit of a humbling post for me. A hard pill to swallow.

My sister is highly involved in a Spanish church, and I've loved getting to be involved a little. I was invited to the their youth group when they started it, and got to continue to build the relationships I had formed there. The group has become very special to me, and I am so thankful for them!

Our group was invited to a Brazilian church for this coming week, and they asked us to do some worship songs and dramas. So we decided on the semi-well known "Everything" drama by Lifehouse. I was so excited, because this is a personal favorite!



We began practicing, and I was put in the roll of the main girl. Now, understand, this is a whole lot more physically draining than it looks! The part where she's striving for her everything to get back to Christ is very difficult. And when doing it, it is very, very hard to keep a blank expression. And that's just for the acting. In my subconscious, I said to myself "is He really all I want?"

A few weeks have passed, and every time we practiced, the question lingered in the back of my mind. Fighting physical representations of things between people and Christ, I kept asking myself "is He really all I need?"

The things that come between people and Christ are different for every person. But every person faces times when they realize, that something is between them. Something keeps us from allowing Him to be our EVERYTHING.

I'm all for being humble, but I also think it's best to keep it simple.

Before this drama was ever even planned, I realized, something quite large had become between me and my Creator. Something else had become part of my everything, which meant, in my eyes, Christ no longer was enough. There was something else that looked better. That looked more fulfilling. That looked like enough for me. I had let something come between me and God, and suddenly, I was no longer where I should be. One thing that seemed so little at the time, was making a bigger change than I had anticipated. It was already effecting things I didn't even think about.

It was participating in this skit, being in that position that helped me realize what had happened. I really fully believe that. It was subtle; I had slowly been swayed. I didn't realize what had happened until it was out of my control.

The realization, plus some highly providential conversations with my sister and mom brought me to a place of brokenness. A place where it was time to face a decision: an unfulfilling substitute, or Christ Himself. I now realized that something had come between me and Him, and that I had to take action.

I've never in my life been more wrong in a situation. Whats worse than this coming between me and my Father, is I never clued my parents in. But now I found myself in a completely helpless situation. The only place left for me to go was up. After telling my parents, I began to feel the struggle more deeply than ever before. I want to choose Christ. But now I am battling with what had come between us. Fighting daily against this thing. Trying to clean up the mess I'd made. Apologizing, earning trust back, and learning how to make my heart fully His; hiding it deeper and deeper into Him. God has given me two parents who so deeply love the Father that all they want to do is help me accomplish this.

In the last few days, I've experienced an unconditional love I cannot even describe. Feeling so guilty, I've been punishing myself, thinking my parents would withdraw much from me. But they in fact have withheld nothing. Their love for me goes beyond my mistakes. My mom has worked things out for me to be able to do somethings, and I feel so undeserving of her hard work. But her love for me (And my dad's of course) is bigger than my flaws.

I'm learning so much. I feel like a dry sponge soaking up everything God brings my way. I'm slowly learning to accept the forgiveness I've been extended, and learning to relish in the Joy that God gives to be my strength.

Although I'm choosing not to be too specific, I want to share what I have learned.

I have learned first to be more aware of things that don't line up with the authority God has placed over me; both in His Word, and through my parents. That was where I first went wrong.

Secondly I've learned that once I find something that isn't lining up, I have parents for a reason. And they can help me take care of a situation better than I ever could on my own.

Third, I have learned what it truly means to be deceived. By both something, and myself. I made the comment to my mom the other day, I said "I told myself that I never lied to you, which is true, I never told you a falsehood. But I never 'mentioned' the truth either." And that's where I had deceived myself. I thought since I wasn't lying, I wasn't wrong. But that was the biggest lie I fed myself. I should have been more truthful with myself, and perhaps I would have been more truthful with my parents. But God works ALL things, even our mistakes, to our good, and if none of this had happened, I don't know I would have learned these things.

The fourth (And one of the biggest) thing(s) I learned was this: Love and forgiveness. See, I realized about two months ago just how wrong my choices were. But I was so ashamed, that I kept it to myself, hoping I could fix it. Of course I could not, and so I came to my parents. For obvious reasons, they were very unhappy. My parents have never given me a reason to believe they would respond in an unruly manner, but I thought this was the last straw. The one that would cost me the most. However my parents were calm, cool, and collected. They never showed any anger they may have been feeling at the moment, and have continued to demonstrate gentleness. After they extended their forgiveness, I still felt unworthy of it. And as I mentioned earlier, I was punishing myself. But my parents are loving me through it, with a gentle kind of love. The love that is saying, enough is enough, and that is helping me weed out the things in my life that may be causing me to stumble, or may be providing ways to be tempted. The love that says "let us keep you accountable" But it goes beyond that. I think my parents have every right to strip away my social life, every out-of-the-home activity, and anything that would provide an outside influence. But they're not. My mom (as I stated earlier) went out of her way to change some plans so I could go to a concert with my sister, and rearranged some things for two babysitting jobs. Now, I'm not saying that I messed up and they're giving me a free pass; that's not it at all. They're still being parents. And I think pretty amazing ones. They're helping me make wiser choices on what things I should be apart of right now. They're helping me learn how to respond in situations so the honour of Christ is upheld, no matter where I am or who I'm with. They're teaching me how to stay submissive to my dad even when he's not around. They're holding me accountable to what goes on in my life, so that it all lines up with God's word. They're helping me and encouraging me to solidify my beliefs and convictions, so that when I take action, no one can mistake what I believe.

I do not wish these things on anybody. It's not fun.But if anyone ever had to, I wish they had parents like mine. Makes it a whole lot easier to accept discipline.

The last big thing I learned, is I haven't been living my life as if Christ is my everything. How timely. I'm making the choice daily now to strive for Him with everything in my being. These things of the world are passing. They do not fulfill for long. And they cause such hurt to what matters most. On Friday night, I know I can portray a girl who is striving for Christ. My heart is no longer cluttered with dishonest secrets. But raw and vulnerable before God and man; ready and willing to accept the things God has planned. A heart that is seeking for God in the right places.

Thanks for dealing with my ramblings. I have much to learn. But I can't wait to be taught <3

~MadaLee