Drowning Ahead of the Storm

Well, Florence sent my family packing after only two full days at the beach. This is an actual tragedy for my family. The beach is the highlight of our year, and we had only dipped our toes in before a mandatory evacuation was sent to the whole island. Where even my little, disappointed nephews kept face, the atmosphere was heavy as we left our beloved seaside. The air inside the truck felt as heavy as the thick air that was outside, dripping with the emotion of impending the storm. 

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I exaggerate, the storm isn't supposed to hit until Thursday. So today, the air was hardly heavy. But that's what made leaving so weird. The sky was bright blue and only dotted with fluffy white clouds. The wind was warm and carried with it the slightly fishy smell of the beautiful salty ocean. Sand lightly lifted in the gentle breeze, and the ocean itself seemed to be relaxing, unphased by the inevitable. Driving across the bridge, the sound seemed almost eerily still. 

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Why do storms bring some sense of calm right before they bring some amount of tragedy? Schools are already closing, coasts have been evacuated, water has been stocked, generators pulled out, and the hatches battened down. Storms are supposed to be calm before the hit, but there's a sense of suspenseful anticipation as well. It's like calm only because there's nothing that can be done to stop or stall what is about to come. It's calm, but it makes me feel like I'm drowning. 

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And that's where I feel like I am right now: drowning a little. I have felt like I'm on the cusp of a lot for a while, but I was looking forward to the week away to just recoup before that happened, and now, I've been thrown back into life 5 days early, and wholly unprepared for all that will unfold in the next few weeks. It's work, and church, and family. It's that I'm going to be 24 in a month, going to get my nose pierced, my SSC for work and potentially more responsibility there. It's that there are new babies in the family, and just lots of "things" coming up soon. It's not that it's any one big thing, it's that I just feel like a lot of little things mounted up and I don't always handle change very gracefully, and I feel like I absolutely have to. 

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I've shared about the disappointment my heart has been feeling about life, and trust me, I want that situation to change. But I also can't imagine making something fit into my life right now. I know when it's time, I will, but I also feel so overwhelmed, that longing for it makes me feel guilty. How on earth could I do it and do it well? The weight sits on my chest, and I just feel like I'm drowning.  

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I'm so thankful I have a Savior who is willing to call me to Himself, to give me peace and rest, and to give me fellow believers to carry this burden with me. Even if the burden doesn't have a name, the community He has given me cares. And for that I am thankful.