haste the day

"My soul cried actual tears!" I laughingly posted in reply to the myriad of comments I got on a picture I had posted on Facebook. I had placed a coffee on the roof of my car, only for it to slide off and leave a (to this day) stain in the parking lot. Cream covered me, my car, the parking lot and brought me to the point of posting about it on facebook, humorously intended. 

But my joking comment has sparked months of ribbing from my boss. And now any time a mild tragedy occurs, he makes a point to ask how my souls doing, or if it's crying, or will just mockingly say "omg. my soul cried actual tears" and it has made me laugh and roll my eyes every single time. 

But as much as I joke about my soul and it's ability to express emotion, it shouldn't come as a surprise that my favorite hymn is "It Is Well With My Soul". And one of my favorite lines is in a verse that isn't always sung:

"Lord, haste the day that my faith shall be my sight"

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I have a control issue. Not that I like to control people, but I certainly like to control my situations, whatever they may be. I don't like not knowing what's going to happen, or I know exactly what I want to happen and I chase it with abandon. I'm not trying to be a deceptive manipulator, but I struggle with just letting a situation unravel naturally. 

This shouldn't come as a shock considering yesterday's post and my transparency on not being where I want to be to be. I want to take my situation by the hilt and wield it to what I consider to be my benefit. I don't know how to just lay something at the feet of my gracious Father, and leave it there.

I'll cry out in agony under the weight of a burden I'm not meant to bear, I'll wearily drop it in surrender, thinking I'm completely broken...only to find out 20 minutes later that something in the situation has shifted, and not the direction I want. Before I even realize what I've done, I see the evidence of "control" back on my hands. 

My exact comment to my mom was "I don't know how to pray it away." The desire for the situation to change, or for a specific situation to occur. It doesn't matter, I can't pray it away. I can't let it go.

Her solid advice was to find some verse or a song that I can keep coming back to me to aid in "taking every thought captive". "It is Well With My Soul" has been gently plaguing my mind for weeks now. I felt like the choice was logical to pick the hymn and commit to singing the truth giving melody. 

It's taking a lot of faith to leave it all at the Father's feet, faith beyond what I feel I have. But my pastor wisely says that "little faith, aimed at Jesus, is enough faith." 

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And Lord, haste the day

when my faith shall be my sight

the clouds be rolled back as a scroll;

the trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend

even so, it is well with my soul