The Chapter I Don't Get

This past week I had a quick but meaningful conversation with a girl from church. At just a year ahead of myself in life, she's relatable on levels I didn't know my soul needed her to be. She sighed and tossed her head back, her eyes searching the ceiling as her heart searched for the words. "I'm just not where I thought I'd be in life right now." All I could say was "same girl, same."
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Our culture is always comparing life to a book, at least in an implied sense.

"Same book, different chapter"
"turn a new page"
"your story is still being written"
"closing this chapter in our lives"
"time for a new chapter"

I think the list of lines goes on, but the idea is quite clear.

But have you ever been reading a book, pretty much any book, and you're deeply engrossed; be it your nasty algebra book, a biography, or the greatest novel(according to you), and you get to that chapter.

The chapter where all of the sudden the concept upon concept seems to not be working out.

Your historical hero did something that doesn't sit well with your opinion of them.

The hero is making decisions that make you pull your hair out.

Numbers aren't working, choices are irreversible, hope seems lost...the reader is left...well confused. Maybe frustrated. Maybe angry. Maybe hurt.

Does it matter though, the specificities of the unpleasant feeling? It sort of sits in the gut the same way no matter what you call it.

It sits, it gnaws, it destroys your joy. Sometimes only for a moment, sometimes for longer.
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I'm in that chapter in life. This chapter isn't making sense right now. I can't make sense of the numbers in front of me, the choices around me, or the plot that has been unclearly set before me. The characters aren't doing what I want them to, the story isn't going the way I thought it would...the details of my life do not look how I anticipated, imagined, dreamed, planned...

I want to clarify that where I am not wholly disappointed in my life, I'm mostly confused by the direction it is or isn't taking. I love my job. I love my church. I love my friend group. But by almost 24, I just anticipated my life looking a little less "free" and a little more settled down. I thought maybe I'd have a little more of the classic American dream and a little less of the millennail lack of commitment to show. I've seen several friends walk down the aisle and start their families and face the exciting reality of more soon. But I feel the "Jones" mentality screaming into my mind "you can't keep up" and know the whole time, there's absolutely not a thing I can do to mend that. It's not for lack of trying. I have had times of peace being where I am and times when it's all I can do to bear the weight of my reality, and I fight and struggle against it. I find joy where I am and then I lose sight of it and crumble.

Yes, this is the chapter I do not understand. I might reread it later on, I might understand it better then. But just now I don't know what's happening or why. And I wish I could tell you that there's much in my heart, and I believe that there can be, but I also believe it's ok to need to be filled up a little too. I don't hate my life, it just isn't the life I wanted at this point. I still want my job, I just want my own home too. I still want my church and my friends, I just want my husband with me. Lets double date, find a community group together...all those things.

I have a beautiful life, and I'm working to be thankful because the life I have is a gift.