Saturday, June 17, 2017

Word Vomit

I'm struggling this morning, friends.

This week has been full of ~stuff~ I was wholly unprepared to face. Sometimes I'm ok, and sometimes I'm sitting there and my heart squeezes and I gasp, and cry a little. Sometimes the reality that everything has changed is just too much for me to handle; the reality that things I had hoped for are now no longer viable in my life is just too harsh a reality to deal with.

I'm teetering almost moment by moment between "embrace the pain of this time and grow", "I just want it to all be over" and "I wish it had never happened at all".

My Pop has always wisely said that "people are messy" and loving them is messy, and painful, sometimes excruciating. But I have learned that it is always, always, always worth it. So I scratch that last bit. I wish it had never happened at all. I am inexplicably thankful it did. But I look forward to the day when I can see many reasons to be thankful, because right now I am having to go on faith that the Father had a divine reason for it all. Right now, it just doesn't make sense. I am struggling to see how everything will ever be as good as it was.

I reposted a blog piece I wrote several months back about struggling to see His goodness in my own life, and I confess I am failing yet again to see it. There are details about this whole situation that I am immensely thankful for, and I can see how His goodness is gently laced in this painful thing, but I am struggling to see this painful thing at large as a part of His goodness.

I am trying not to ask the wrong questions of Him, but I'm also not sure what the right ones are. Is there sin in my life that caused this to happen? What do I need to learn from all of this? Have I misplaced priorities and allowed people and other relationships to become idols? Did I begin worshipping His gifts instead of Him?

I confess that it has all caused me to be acutely aware of my own shortcomings. My flaws have danced in my head, lying to me, telling me all these things are why it happened. That if I didn't have these flaws, I wouldn't be in the situation I now find myself.

I know that that's not true, but it feels so severely true. That if I was different, my personality, my character, my looks, my interests, my views, if everything was just a little different, I would still be happy right now.  Please know, I know this is not true, but it feels so incredibly true right now.

I told my sister today that I am looking forward to the one days, when I can see all of the reasons to be thankful for this time, but right now, I'm just thankful for everyone who is here with me during this time. <3


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