Thursday, June 29, 2017

Not Enough

Shocker, but I have an inability to find a balance between too honest and not honest enough on social media. This is more thank likely one of the "slightly too honest posts" so please, bear with me.

The last few weeks have sent me spiraling through a mired of emotions. I have teetered the tightrope of this tension, and truthfully I have fallen off of it several times. I have never in my life felt more sorry for myself than I have the last few weeks. With the height of emotion passed, the last few days have been full of quiet introspection and scrupulous self examination. I have replayed things in my mind countless times. Not just the events of that moment, but of all the moments that led us there. Every thought, moment, word and memory I can conjure up, I have, and then examined it. Was I crazy? Was I wrong?

After playing through everything in my mind and going over it, I don't think I was wrong or crazy, and I have come to the conclusion that for whatever reason, something else was better. I was left as second best, and the question that has plagued me is why. What made the "something else" better? why wasn't I enough?

The question and I daresay even the realization it brought with it has been a final blow. On more to the lower gut, reminding me every day for the last week, someone in my life thought someone else was better and it has been painful.

So today, while sweeping the floor, I was feeling the weight of it and wallowing in self pity. The shop was quiet, and then I felt the Father's loving words pour into my heart: you were never meant to be enough.

Friends, this grieved me to my core- because it revealed to me that I have allowed this passing hurt to consume me, and I have lost my Gospel focus. These words, this beautiful reminder, has almost nothing to do with failed human relationships, insufficient capabilities for a job, or the opinion of myself from others; it has everything to do with the cross of Christ. I have taken my eyes off of Jesus, His sacrifice, and the reality that I was never meant to be enough, but He is.

I was asking myself why I couldn't be enough to meet this need in another person, but it was never my job. I was never meant to be "enough" for them, no more than my good deeds will be "enough" for Heaven. And perhaps that is the very reason that all of this happened at all: because I have such a works based look on life, and it's wrong. Maybe, just maybe, the Father is using this to teach my stubborn heart that no matter how much I "do", it will never be enough. All of my "good" will never be enough. So maybe I was asking a wrong question about a temporary circumstance, but it was a poignant reminder that there has already been an I AM Enough.

I'm so thankful for the refocus on the Gospel in my heart, because I lost sight of it. I lost sight of how important it is to constantly see Jesus as my everything. I don't have to be enough for Heaven or humans or anything in between, because it's Jesus who fills every need, nook and cranny. To think I can fulfill that need in myself or others is flawed and arrogant.

I'm not enough, I never was, I never will be.

But Sweet Jesus is, and that's everything.

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