God, did You forget?

Father, my heart is aching this morning. I want to fill it and have it filled with all sorts of things that are outside of my control. I want to whine and complain; quite simply I want what I want and I want it now.

 

But more than those things I want to be faithful to the God who loved me first. I want to take these ugly thoughts captive and make them obedient to Christ.

 

As my King, you are requiring that of me. I know you are. But as my Father also, I think you want to hear my heart and right now Lord, my hear is just aching. I feel void of joy, with little hope. I feel in their place are rising jealousy and anger.

 

I sat down to shoot a funny vlog and bring smiles to people's faces, and I found I could not even muster the energy to pretend to be funny or happy right now. Sitting here in the quiet for now, all I really want to do is cry. I want to cry and cry out to you, because Lord, I feel you have forgotten me. I have been actively working on purging sins from my life, so my heart can be openly communicating with You. I have been trying to remove those blocks and hindrances so I can hear from You, and speak to You. But Lord, I can't feel you. I can't sense you. I can't see You, and I feel like You have forgotten me. It feels as though my desires, hopes and dreams have fallen by the wayside. It feels as though what I want and long for do not matter. It feels like my heart is breaking and You can stop it, but You aren't. And I'm trying, but I don't understand why.

 

I am seeking to serve You and live my life to honor You, I am trying to have joy and peace and patience, but I am having a really hard time. I am trying to glorify You in the life I am living, but God, what are you trying to teach me in the waiting? What am I supposed to be doing during this time? I feel like I'm just existing. I am seeking to be intentional and to be purposeful in my life, but Lord, why does it feel as though everything I do lacks purpose? And is there a deep flaw in my dreams, that I need to surrender them? I don't want to be so stuck on certain hopes that I miss what You have for me and if what I am praying for, and Your plans don't line up, please give me a heart for Your plans for my life. I don't want to think for a second I know better than you, so please Father, make my heart beat for You and Your Will.