One Year in Heaven

I don't try to dwell on sad or hard things. I don't try to wallow in dark, shady, or serious things. However, last May, I faced one of the hardest things of my life.

I'd been exposed to death. Older members of the church, elderly family members, etc. Up to this point though, I had never really loved and lost. I had been around people who experienced incredible loss. But I never had. I'm not trying to throw a pity party, just explain that it really was the darkest few weeks of my life.

I met ^this kid in December of 2009. He was 6'4"(+). Size 15 foot. He was huge. But he was one of the sweetest people I've ever met. He was the picture of gentle giant. He gave the best hugs. He made everyone around him laughed, and somehow kept the most strait face. We were in a church drama group for a while, and he'd do the voice of God (as the only guy in the group ;)). His deep voice conveyed passion and tenderness. I'll never forget the look in his eyes when he would get really into his role. He always cared about other people, even if he was reading a script. When he lived in South Africa, he really enjoyed rugby. And according to his dad, he was good! I knew YK for a year and a half, and never once did I hear him complain.

From the moment I met him, there was something different about him. I could tell. I know, people tend to be prejudice of their friends, but seriously. This guys was, incredible. One of the Godliest people, I have ever had the privilege of personally meeting.

YK was here, because he had cancer. I didn't care to to know the ins and outs of his battle; it was not something I wanted the full details on. For that reason, I can't tell you exactly what he had. Just, that it was a hard, long battle for him. People diagnosed with his type of cancer are usually given about two years; if he'd made it to June, it would've been.

But he didn't. God saw fit to take away all his pain the night of May 10th, 2011.

A good friend and I were given the amazing opportunity to be with him and his parents about15 minutes or so before he finished his race. The hour I spent with them was the hardest of my life. YK was unresponsive; basically, all the systems of his body were putting their energy into fighting the cancer. His father read some scripture, we prayed over him, sang to him, and just talked to him. The experience of that night, is unforgettable for me. I kept a journal for the first few days after he passed away, and there's no point in reinventing the wheel:

Amazing Grace:

I sat there and tousled his curles and rubbed his face. We all prayed and I watched as his non-responsive body allowed his eyes to slide shut. I leaned over and whispered into his ear, my final good-bye, and began humming "Amazing Grace" ♪mm--mmmmm---how sweet the sound♫ before I knew it, his mother father, my friend and her mom, (the youth leader that had called me) were all singing along with me. the whole room surrounded him with the sound of every verse from the hymn. i will never sing that song the same way again. it holds such a sweet memory for me. i laid my head on the pillow beside his face and just watched as his neck jerked for air, and the uneven rise and fall of his chest. It was one of the sweetest bitter moments of my life. I praise God, for his Amazing Grace.

Joy in Christ Alone:

if i've learned nothing else through this experience, it's that God does crazy ridiculous things, and that we shouldn't take each day for granted. we're given these days, it's up to us to decide what to do with them. it's taught me to hold my tongue when i want to say something, because what if it's the last thing i say to that person? it's taught me to reach out to people that annoy me, because what if i'm the only Jesus they will get to see? it's taught me to thank God for the life he's given me, and ask his help on how to live it. it's taught me to be thankful for the relationships i'm surrounded with. my sisters are here with me all the time, but until i do something about it...that's pointless. it's taught me to rejoice in every situation. am i smiley, and happy all the time? no. happiness is based on circumstances. joy, joy is based in Christ.

John 16:33:

for our sixteenth birthdays, our parents always get a us a Bible; a very nice, usually study, Bible. Since my birthday was in october, i haven't marked the blak pages at the end and beginning much. (although i hope to soon ) that being said, i have no idea when i jotted down John 16:33. NO clue! but the night that Yokana died, i had no peace. i couldn't pray myself to sleep, cry myself to sleep, rock myself to sleep or anything. (and even though i eventually fell alseep, i didn't get a lot of rest...)

i decided that i needed to hear God. for the first time in my life, i was desperate for his word in my ear. i longed to have his voice.

i picked up my Bible and began flipping rapidly. i have never wanted his word so badly. i searched throught the PSalms, thinking, "surely there is a word in here to calm me" but of course on this one time i needed a word of peace and comfort, every verse i flipped to was "Oh Lord where are you in my times of trouble" or "Oh my God, why have you hidden yourself from my presence?" and so forth and so on....i was sitting there going, "really? God do you even care that i am searching for you in my time of need?"

i just chanced to lookin the front where i would jot notes, and saw the reference for John 16:33. my hand writing. the reference had no special meaning to me. i flipped to the verse. there was a star beside it. i questioned myself on when i had done it. but i went ahead and read the verse. “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” Whoa!!!! i was literlly blow away! it was as if God was like, ok you want it, here it is. not in a mean, in your face kind of way. but a, ok your ready for it now. your ready to accept my peace. and i was. as soon as i read it, my eye lids slid shut, i thanked God like i never had before for his word, his gift, and his peace.

and before i knew it, i was asleep. i was sleeping in Jesus's arms. i felt his comfort surround me in a way...it just never had.

was my night restless that night? ya...a bit more than i had hoped it would be. but did i sleep? ya. was i just completely awed by God's comfort and peace in the moments when i needed it most? ya.

This is just a few of the many entries over the next few days from that moment in the pediatric ICU. Just a glimpse of my heart that night. I remember coming home, telling mom all about it, only for the phone to ring a few minutes before midnight telling us he was gone.

Grief. Anguish. Mourning.

New feelings for me. Ones that I've worked through for a year now.

I still miss him. I still wish for myself, for our friends, and for his family that he was still here. But YK is free! He's pain free, worry free, hurt free, and sorrow free! I'm jealous of him! But I still miss him. Every Tuesday for a while was dreadful. And every 10th was not a fun reminder of one more month without him here. But as time has slipped by quickly, and May has rolled around again, I realize, that He's enjoyed the greatest gift for a whole year now. And with every day that passes for us, brings us one day closer to eternity.

Yokey, I miss you. SO MUCH. I love you, and can't wait to frolic down golden streets with you! :)

~Love M