Firefly Forest: A story about Jesus

Earlier this week, I read an article that hit me right between the eyes. You know, that spot that connects your thinking brain to your convicted heart. The article is good, by all means please go read it, but it was one line that triggered a memory that brought a smile to my face and proved her point simultaneously. (Side note, if you chose not to read the article for whatever reason, it is a wonderful and convicting post and not as worldly feely as this quote makes it sound, this quote is simply something that jumped out at me.)

"when humans experience awe...we become less individualistic, less self-focused, less materialistic, more connected to those around us. In marveling at something greater than ourselves, we become more able to reach out to others."

 

 

 

I was driving back into town tonight, reflecting on Bible study and all that we had talked about. I had referenced this article, specifically the portion about (obviously not verbatim here) how when the focus is us, the focus is wrong, but when our heart is one of awe of God, our focus is right, and our awe drives us to reach out to others. My dear friend listened quietly as a I rattled on and on about the memory that this one little quote had sparked.

 

It was summer before senior year. I was young, hopeful, and all kinds of selfish. How I wish I could say I wasn't, but don't we all. I was perfectly happy to be on this missions trip to Philadelphia, no fight there. But could have done with out the incessant bathroom themed jokes from the abundant amount of middle school boys who had somehow secured a spot on this trip. As one of the few high schoolers there, we had few options of people to hang out with and chose instead to be all together. For the most part this was fine. But after a few days of it, my total lack of brothers growing up became increasingly clear. Its amazing how fast you can learn to tune something or someone out...by day three I'm pretty sure I had thoroughly installed my "middle school boy" filter. So one night when they came running up to me and my best friend, huffing and puffing and obviously overexcited, it was all I could do to listen to them go on and on about the "GROVE OF TREES" that we "ABSOLUTELY HAD TO SEE RIGHT THIS SECOND BEFORE THEY WENT AWAY!" Literally the only reason my attitude-ed self tuned into them was because the only things these boys got excited about were, food, farts and video games. And since I'm pretty sure the weren't coming to fill me in on the latter two, and we had already had dinner, I listened. And to this day, I'm so glad I did.

 

After they all took a breath and could speak more than one word between gasps for air, they got out that in this little grove of trees, just into the woods at the edge of camp there were innumerable fireflies. Since that was clearly a big word for their vocabulary my friend and I decided to go see the "firefly forest" as they had been calling it. A few steps down into the woods, and you hit a clearing, and you didn't even have to look up, your eyes could see it everywhere. Thousands, if not millions of fireflies dotted the canvas of dark trees against a gently lit sky.

 

Awe doesn't even begin to describe it. Not one person could believe or shake it. So the few high schoolers that had gotten wrangled into going down there promptly turned around and ran out- everyone needed to see this.

 

We raced back to the camp, gathered up blankets, sleeping bags, tarps- anything people could sit on, and the hand of anyone who would listen to us talk about the fireflies in the forest. After grabbing things up as quickly as we could we raced back down to the little grove- not wanting to miss a moment of the light show God had set there.

 

We laid out our blankets and laid in a circle, just staring at them all. So overwhelmed by the little piece of majesty we were watching.

 

And here's where things got intense. One by one, middle school right up to high school, boys and girls, grabbed the hand of the person sitting next to them. Some prayed a loud, some shouted attributes and qualities of God, other sang, and still others were so struck by awe, they were silent. I had never had worship quite like it, so raw, so vulnerable- so full of awe.

 

We all marveled. We all sat in this little bit of glory. And we worshipped. And we only knew about it- because the awe of the moment touched the hearts of six middle school boys. It moved them beyond themselves to tell everyone, anyone, about what they had seen.

 

Friends, when the focus is us, the focus is wrong. Be awed  by our Savior. If you look at the mountains, praise their Maker. If you look at the sea, praise its Creator. Allow these wonders to be the vehicle to awe- and not the point of praise. But look for them! If you aren't awed by Him, find it again. Praise Him for it. And then tell others.

A year in Review:

This has been one of those years, where I look back on it, and I have one thought: "I wouldn't trade it, but God, please never give it to me again!"

This year, like any, had its ups and downs. But I feel like these were on the dramatic/big side and thus felt like I've been on a roller coaster for the past 12 months. So hitting the big stuff:

(A snapshot from January)

January: If you recall this post, my year started off kind of rocky. By my own choices I found myself in the slumps by January. People talk about the new year as a "starting over" time, but I had never experienced it quite like this. In addition to starting off a little rocky, it was my final semester of school. I had worried my brain for months about finishing school and finding a job or taking classes and not being sure what was next, so January was bitter sweet. I went on my final youth retreat, and honestly, I don't remember much of it.

February: In February we journeyed to DC for AH's birthday. I enjoy trave

(DC birthday excursion)

ling a lot, so this was my highlight this month! We did a lot of walking around and eating of some amazing food! (Panas was the best for me!)The Little also had a birthday and turned 12, making me feel ancient.

March: Not a whole lot happened in March, except for the only "big" snow, EP's first anniversary and my oldest nephew's fourth birthday.

However, April began the busy season for me, and I feel like maybe that hasn't stopp

(Me and the birthday boy from March)

ed yet! My third nephew made his grand entrance into the world! How much love you can have for such a little person never ceases to amaze me! Also, I got the privilege of traveling to Philadelphia with the student pastor, his wife and one other student who just happens to be a good pal of mine. It was a unique experience to say the least. We kind of went as a "prep" trip for the missions trip that we took in June. We got to meet the pastor we'd be working with and see the church and area ahead of time, as well as tour the area we'd be staying in. The student pastor and his wife are from the area so they took us around to some of their favorite places, and it was fun seeing a local's point of view without a large group to tote around. I enjoyed the quality time with just a few others.

(Graduation with Ginger)

May: This was when things really started getting busy for me! I graduated in May! (Along side one of my dear friends! Which was such a blessing, since neither of us wanted to have the spotlight all to ourselves, and we had talked about this for years, both being homeschooled! :) After graduation, I spent a week back in DC with my sister's family. It was nice to get away from the norm and spend the extra time with her and my nephews! Only a few days later, I went to the beach with some friends. It's been kind of a tradition in my church for the juniors and seniors to get away for a few days towards the end of the school year. So off we went. I was a lobster. On a more solemn note, we lost a nephew to heaven this month. All that love you build up for a person and not meeting them. The suspense of waiting for Heaven to hold the little one is hard. It was not a fun or easy thing to pack on to such a busy time already. Although the season may have been busy, my Angel nephew is not forgotten and little Enoch Barnett, my other nephews and brothers are all waiting for us.

(Philadelphia skyline)

(Quince Princess)

In June I went back to Philadelphia for the missions trip and honestly, I love this city so much! In this month was one of the coolest and most special things I've ever done. Both DC and Philadelphia are special to me, for different reasons. The earlier part of June held a different, cool and amazing experience for me. One of my dear friends celebrated her 15th birthday. Although she was born here, she is El Salvadorean and had a traditional quinceañera. She had a big princess dress and a few of the traditional tokens or ceremonies of a quince. However, since she is a believer, she chose not to do a lot of them; she just chose a few that were special to her, instead of the extensive ceremony. We also have a large homeschool convention that we attend every June and the past several years I've volunteered in the children's program. It's about 22 hours of volunteer service, all said and done. And I love it! This past year especially I got to know a handful of girls that I've kept in fairly good contact with (facebook is good for this, as well as instagram).

(4th of July with the sisters)

By July I was somewhat worn out from a whirlwind two months that proceeded it. I was thankful for what felt like at the time, a dramatic halt in life. We had our one or two fourth of July celebrations and celebrated my nephew's second birthday. Other than that July was slower-paced for the most part.

August was much fuller. I went roller skating for the first time in YEARS! It was an absolute blast! I also sang with the Spanish church for a community event, finished my time with my youth group, went on a weekend conference with AH and spent a weekend at a friend's house with a few other girls. The five of us are pretty good friends, and all homeschooled. We range in ages from 15 to 19 and enjoy being together. My grandfather got really sick, and we stepped up our involvement with them. In pleasant weather, I go over once every other week and mow for them and my cousin cleans indoors.

(sibling picture from the beach, 2013)

The end of August/beginning of September came biting with a brain tumor. A unpleasant experience to the max. God's hand was seen all throughout it, though, and even still we can see how He worked; at the time it was little things, and looking back, bigger things. God has chosen to heal J this side of heaven and for that we are SO thankful! (You can read J's journey here) He is now undergoing radiation treatments and is halfway done! The hope is that the radiation kills off anything that was leftover after his second surgery and he will be officially cancer free. Keep praying for the Father to be glorified! Along with this, my family's yearly vacation had been planned for just days after his first surgery, and since there was a lot invested in the trip and enough people at home to take care of him, we went ahead and went. It was nice to be away for a while. When we got home we jumped in with two feet. Life was crazy, far from normal, and working forward with incredible speeds. The Little started 7th grade, and AH began homeschooling Yenny (who's quince we celebrated). "Madhouse" doesn't even begin to describe life at this point!

(My birthday dessert)

(Yenny, the Little and I "planning" fundraising)

In addition to being here for school, Yenny and I felt very burdened to help raise some funds for J. So when October rolled around we had our first two fundraisers! The first one we had nothing to do with, save Yenny singing. We held a benefit concert and raised far more than any of us had expected. A few short, crazy weeks later we had event #2 and held a dinner. (Too many people trying to plan! :) Oh well, both were blessed events!) In the weeks in between the two, Yenny and I (along with LOADS of help from other adults) spent a lot of time seeking donations from local businesses and even some bigger stores like Kroger) also, my family went apple picking and spent a day in the mountains. This was very nice and felt a bit like the calm before the storm! I also began nannying! Crazy month! But all too quickly, October drew to a close and I celebrated my 19th birthday! My sister made me lomo saltado (a Peruvian dish) and my mom made me these tasty little raspberry chocolate tarts. DELICIOUS.

(Gettysburg with the fam)

November rolled around and it was a bit of "big event let down". All of the sudden everything I had spent my whole month pouring into was over. I got to go to a Chris Tomlin concert with my oldest sister, her husband and their oldest. It was a blast! Later on we traveled to Pennsylvania for a weekend in Gettysburg and I got some bangs to change up my look a littl
e. Towards the end of the month things got a little busy again with Thanksgiving, Black Friday (an actual event in my house), and a surprise birthday party for my oldest sister. This was one of the best/coolest Thanksgivings ever! I loved every second of the weekend!

(FINALLY!)

Although December is a fairly busy season, I didn't go to any Christmas parties or events this year. Even though I always look forward to it, I was thankful for my evenings to be mostly at home. I enjoyed family time in the Bible leading up to the birth of Christ, and making an ornament for different key events along the way. I did, however, get to meet up with a friend that I have been talking to via social media for over two years. She's moved closer to me, and so we've already enjoyed a closer-distance friendship!

That brings me up
to this week. We spent Christmas morning here at home with just us five. We were then joined by EP and MrP. And a little later on for brunch by my mom's family. In the afternoon we had Christmas with Dad's side of the family and then we left Thursday morning to spend the weekend with Meg and her family. It was nice, overall, even if somewhat chaotic.

To look back on the year is both good and odd to me. I started this post, almost with a "WOE is me" attitude, thinking "Oh SO much has happened!" And a lot has, but not nearly as much as I thought had. It feels like a lot, and of course there are things I chose not to make public that will stay in my heart to ponder. However overall, God was with me through all the ups, downs, ins and outs of my year, and for it I now look at the year and can say "Its ok." Am I making any sense??? :)

Merry Christmas from the Sibs at National Harbor!

God has brought me a loooong way since last December, and for that I am most thankful. I'll just briefly say a few things He's taught me:

~To trust Him, and His unfailing will. No matter what circumstances I face.
~We often see our circumstances with a very distorted view of flawed human analysis, seeing things as far worse than they really are.
~God has my parents as my parents for my benefit, and to talk to them is a greater blessing than I had ever imagined possible before this year.
~The Father works ALL things together for the good of those who LOVE Him!

May each of you have a blessed NEW YEAR with all things bright and new!

Blessings to each of you!

~Mal

The story of a Ginger friend

Once upon a time, two little girls grew up together. They went to each others' houses a lot, and spent the night often. They got to do a lot of cool things together:

They went to a horse farm when they were little. And one time, they were pirates:

They were very apart of each others' lives. They had a pretty cool childhood together. When they got just a little older, they decided, "hey, we actually like being friends." As if they didn't already do a lot together, they started doing more and more together. They became apart of so much. One thanksgiving, they even spent the night with each other! These girls were inseparable!

Over the next few years they had some pretty cool adventures:

they got cool Indian shirts at a festival

they got to go to the zoo together!

oh and one time, they were ninjas for a while

they were free entertainment to their families, because they're just so funny

 

they made each other laugh, a lot!

they made messes...

...and new friends

and then, they graduated...TOGETHER!

They're grown up now. (Note, not ALL grown up ;)) And that crazy red-headed girl is off following the greatest call of her life: making disciples. She will be leaving the country soon. She's been gone for a few months, training already, and the other girl misses her terrible. But more than all that missing, she is so proud of her. Because she can't imagine having all these wonderful memories with someone more amazing! This ginger is another sister. Loved by her family, and cherished by so many. They're still very dear friends, and skype once a week as time allows. But on the edge of adulthood, they see how the Father is working to use them best to His glory in different parts of the world. Although the girl is sad to see her friend leave for a time, she can't imagine her firey-haired, partner in crime doing anything less than EXACTLY what The Lord wants of her.

To follow this amazing gal's journey across the Nations, visit her blog.

I love you so much girl and I'm praying for you as you GO! :)

A City in my Heart

"If you read the Bible cover-to-cover, you'll read that it all starts in a Garden and ends in a City." -Brother Stan

(A view I've grown to love)

This past week I got to serve with a church in the middle of urban Philadelphia. (Walking distance from the Art Museum and the famous Rocky statue.) The church we were working with is planted right on what's called the socioeconomic fault line of Philadelphia. This "fault-line" divides two very different classes of people. To the south of the dividing line (which is literally just one road.) is a group of mostly mid-upper class people/higher income, primarily Caucasian, and to the north is low income, lower class, primarily not Caucasian. Our pastor, (Brother Stan) has a heart to create community and UNITY in that location, because his church is located right on the line of division. He had our team split into two groups, and the other group was sent to University City. (An area near downtown Philadelphia that has two major college campuses and a few community colleges.) My group got to spend a lot of time prayer walking, which is something I had never done a whole lot of. We did a lot of walking in both the north and south sides of the line, and walking around in Fairmount Park (one of the largest urban parks; bigger than Central Park in New York). The park is a hotpsot, and where we had a lot of interaction later in the week.

The most incredible moment of the week, was prayer walking. I've never done a whole lot of that, and what it did, was open my eyes to the needs of the community. When we were walking around the south side, my heart was so burdened for the people, because they had so much. Everything had it's place, everything was neat and orderly, and they were far above their northern neighbors, and you could tell they felt that way. There was just this air of superiority. They had so much, why did they need Jesus? And that's how they feel for the most part. As far as they're concerned, life is pretty good.

When we headed north, it was heart breaking. An environment I would expect to see in third-world countries was all around me. Trash, all over the place, and a stench to match it; side walks that were so hazardous and neglected; children playing in the streets with no adult supervision; houses falling apart; steps literally falling off the front of houses with trash crammed down into them; houses that don't meet code, housing more people than they should. It broke my heart to pieces.

I met two men (and based on our limited conversation, I assume they were brothers) who prided themselves on the fact that their street was "safe". Why? Because of was 2*th street, and all the murders happened on 2*th street, two streets over. These poor men were mad, however, that they were so stereotypically thrown into a trouble making category. Based on race alone, they had been "picked up and spent the morning in jail because authorities in the area have tendencies to 'harass'". One of the men shared that a few years back his wife was "murdered in a crossfire." And these people can't afford to live anywhere safer or better.

To make matters worse for this area, a major budget cut was made, that closed two high schools, a middle and an elementary school. And the remaining schools for the area cut anything "extra", keeping only teachers and food servers. Nurses, coaches, counselors, club leaders, teachers' assistance, etc. As if that wasn't bad enough, major amounts of money was granted for new jails in the area. Why would powers in authority would put money towards failure instead of success is beyond me, but that's how the score has been settled.

God is working in the city, and my prayer is that He lets  me be apart of it. I truly fell in love with this city, and I hope God directs my path back there soon.

In the mean time, I encourage each of you to pray for your city, and ask God to create in you a heart for where you live.

(Pictures to come! :))

~Mal

Secret Diary of a Caregiver

Since mid-January, I've been part-time nannying for a family, that I grew up with! It's funny how it all comes back around! These kids' mother, and my sister were great little pals, and our fathers were friends long before they had wives. Loooong history :)

Anyways, this experience has given me lots of thoughts, and made me feel a bit like a mom! 

Unfortunately Hollywood seems to paint the picture of babysitting one of two ways: lollipops and gum drops, happy kids, happy sitters, zero mess and perfectly smooth evenings. Or. It's the horror of all horrors. Terror kids, food on the ceiling, poop on the sitters face, who knows what all else generously scattered all through the house, etc.

However, neither of these are accurate, in the least. I've compiled a list of things, that are the realities of babysitting/childcare.

1) No day is a perfect day. Allow for the dishes to stay in the sink, even through nap time. Sometimes, your rest is going to be more beneficial for everyone.

2) Don't expect to stay in the outfit you put on that morning. A combination of food, snot, spit, among other things may pose a problem for keeping your outfit clean.

3) Never underestimate how important something is to a child. The trivial things of weed-flowers and scattered stones maybe be trashy trinkets to us, but if it's all they child has to give, it means a whole lot more to them. Treasure every gift.

4) You will feel like a broken record when working with kids between 2-5. Repeat, repeat, repeat! Answer the same questions every time. And sometimes, I do have to look at my inquisitive two year old and lovingly say "Dear, that's enough." If that doesn't work, I put the question back on her. If the relentless question is "What is (insert name here) doing?" I simply say, "(*Insert child's name here), what is (whoever) doing?" Generally the child will go "Oh." And provide the answer for themselves.

5) *Use the child's name. I feel more respected when people use my name, look me in the eye, and take the time to answer my stupid questions. A child is a valued human and should be given the same respect. Taking two extra seconds to drop to a squat to chat with a child brings you to a more touchable level, and you become easier to talk to.

6) You might need an extra cup of coffee. Those days happen too. Let them.

7) Nothing means more than a trusting child putting their hands on your face, whispering in your ear and telling you secrets, or says "I love you."

8) Take the time to be silly. This means so much to kids who are a little older (as in, not 18mos. and younger).

9) Don't say anything, ANYTHING, you do not mean. A child will either take it to heart, or hold it against you.

10) Don't look at the kids like a job. Look at it like an opportunity. The parents have given you permission to influence their children. Make sure you leave a good impact, not one that parents have to train out, or not ask back.

11) Have FUN. Kids can say and so some of the best things. And it reminds us how precious kids are when we value what is valuable to them.

I hope you all enjoyed my first entry of "Nanny diaries" :)

~Mal

Wisdom in the Pun

At Thanksgiving this past year, my grandfather made quite the clever remark, and I must admit, it took me until last night to realize the touch of wisdom his witty one-liner had.

"If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. If you don't succeed again, you may be sucking a seedless orange."

Go ahead, laugh! I did! My jaw swung open as I laughed at him and he went on to explain to me that he was not a nuisance, but an "old"-sance. (Get it?)

But last night, I was having one of those times, when I felt all smart and intellectual cos I was actually thinking about my life. For some reason, his quote popped into my head, and I grinned to myself for a moment. Until I realized the validity of his quote. Although he might not have intended for it to be so profound, it was indeed very profound.

I sat there going, "what seedless oranges am I  'sucking'?"

In other words, I was asking the question: "What in my life am I striving for that is just not worth it?"

At youth group this past week, my group was discussing what we should be doing in life (broad discussion, eh?) My group came up with three points, and the one that meant the most to me was simply to live towards what is eternal. What is going to last?

And perhaps that discussion is what made me think of my Pawpaw's quote. What's a seedless orange I'm workin' on? Or I guess a better question is, what is a "seeded orange" I need to spend more time on? After our youth group discussion, we decided that simply spending more time with people, family, friends, co-workers, etc., is where our focus needs to be. People were made to be eternal beings. But all the things of this worlds will fade away.

What's your seedless orange?

~Mal

The greatest Fall

In my last post, I talked about this coming fall. I guess it's weighing heavily on my mind; cos here I sit, not 24 hours later, writing about the same thing. I know that this is a big writer's "no-no", but hang in there.

After completing my post, I went to bed, still pondering this coming year. Oh what a year it will be. Four of my best friends turn 16, 12, 23, and 18 this year and, well, that's crazy. My sister and her husband celebrate the completion of the first year of marriage! Can't believe it's been a year already!! My little sister and I will begin horseback riding lessons very soon, and I AM THRILLED! I haven't taken lessons in over 10 years! I become an aunt to a THIRD little heart throb. Love just keeps growing! I GRADUATE! I cannot believe that it's here already. Feels like just yesterday I was in 6th and trying to figure out which year I would be graduating. And now here I am. Over half way through my senior school year. Aaaaaannnyywaays...off that bunny trail. In June I'm headed back to Philadelphia! I'm so excited to go back. I worked there in a local church plan for a week in 2010. And all that is just in the next few months. Who knows what's past that.

I thought about how abundantly full this year will be. All that mentioned above, and maintaining my involvement with youth group, choir(final semester! =[), Spanish youth group(although I'm stepping out of this for the time being), babysitting, helping my sister in her ESL class, and I'm going to start keeping two children, three days a week for over a month or so. I hope to get a "real" job very soon. And dad is faithfully helping me work towards my license. Peru is still in the works, and I have begun looking into a few different ministries to be involved in once my time is no longer committed to school. For now my ministry is solely here at home. Making my haven a haven, and investing in the lives directly around me. Including my sisters and mom, and even the children that are frequently in our home. 

But, here are the two ministries that I've been looking into:

There is a neighborhood close by that has primarily Nepali, Latino, and Middle Eastern peoples, and over 38 definite languages(also several dialects). I was talking to a lady in my church who works primarily with the Nepali peoples, and she was talking about the needs there! Oh such needs! And to think, it's 10 minutes from my house. I would love to start an active ministry here.

The other place I'm looking into volunteering is Pregnancy Resource Center- I want to work with local missions. (The Philadelphia trip has a focus of "Change the city, Change the World", and we'll be working with the nations that God has set on the doorstep of America! I am SO excited!) I mostly want to work with the underprivileged families of the Appalachians, and in particular teens and children. But since those families are in those mountains and I am not, I have chosen to look into helping girls around here. And so that is why I am looking into a PRC.

I don't know what on earth God has in mind, however, and I do not want to be so locked into "my idea" that I over question what God may be presenting as His plan.

I slumped up the stairs with a whole lot on my mind, and fell asleep at great peace. Yes, I'm still as clueless as I was 24 hours ago, but I have a very different mindset. A mindset that knows my life is full of opportunity, and that I get to spend the next few months discover which opportunity is mine to grasp!

~M

The edge of all things known

It's a chasm; deep, black, ominous, intimidating. Striking a gut-knotting fear.

It's on the edge of that chasm that I now stand.

I don't want to start school again. Not because I dislike school; I, in fact, quite enjoy it. I like knowing what I can and cannot do; having something to fill my morning, and a status to give people. Even if that status is simply "student". I like learning, and reading, and writing, and being in the safety and comfort of my home. I like that right now, all my friends are doing the same thing: being students.

No, I do not want to start because don't like school.

I don't want to start because, this is the beginning of the end. Monday morning, I don't just get to see the chasm, I'm walking towards it. By May I'll be teetering on the edge of it. And by autumn, I'll be free falling into it.

I don't want to start school on Monday morning because...it's like the ending to the first book in a great series. You know there's more to come, but there's the sadness of leaving what you've come to know. You've fallen in love with the character. Seen her life unfold. You've seen her joy and her trials. You've seen her leap, and seen her fail. You laughed when she laughed, cried when she cried. Got angry when she was stupid. And wanted to slap her when she was ignorant. This is the story you've come to love. And as I stated, you know there is more to come, you're just not sure you're going to love the next book as much. It's hard to "like" the next part of her journey. She changes, characters leave, and the story has to change a little. The thing with produced books is, someone knows what's next.

I don't.

I stand on the edge of the chasm called "future past high school". I know I am not going to college. But that's about the only thing I'm sure of.

I'm not really jealous of all my friends going off to school, but I'm jealous that they seem so sure of their futures. The graduate high school, and they know, they'll spend the next four to eight years in school; postponing what I now face. A jumbled life, of endless options, and God has it all planned out. It's me who doesn't know what's going on.

Yes. I feel I shall become all too well acquainted with this chasm. Staring at it for the next few months. Dancing with it through the summer. And the ultimate end of falling into it this fall. Hm. Appropriate. :)

I am so excited about what God has in store. I just can't wait till I know what it is. I'm kind of tired of getting the question "so what are you doing next year?" and my only answer is:

 *O.O*

 No. Literally. I just stand there with bug eyes, raise my shoulders and cock my head to one side.

I've taken to saying, "when God tells me, I'll let you know."

And when He does, I'll do just that :)

~M

Is He really my EVERYTHING?

Sorry for the silence on here; it's been busy busy for me!

This is a bit of a humbling post for me. A hard pill to swallow.

My sister is highly involved in a Spanish church, and I've loved getting to be involved a little. I was invited to the their youth group when they started it, and got to continue to build the relationships I had formed there. The group has become very special to me, and I am so thankful for them!

Our group was invited to a Brazilian church for this coming week, and they asked us to do some worship songs and dramas. So we decided on the semi-well known "Everything" drama by Lifehouse. I was so excited, because this is a personal favorite!



We began practicing, and I was put in the roll of the main girl. Now, understand, this is a whole lot more physically draining than it looks! The part where she's striving for her everything to get back to Christ is very difficult. And when doing it, it is very, very hard to keep a blank expression. And that's just for the acting. In my subconscious, I said to myself "is He really all I want?"

A few weeks have passed, and every time we practiced, the question lingered in the back of my mind. Fighting physical representations of things between people and Christ, I kept asking myself "is He really all I need?"

The things that come between people and Christ are different for every person. But every person faces times when they realize, that something is between them. Something keeps us from allowing Him to be our EVERYTHING.

I'm all for being humble, but I also think it's best to keep it simple.

Before this drama was ever even planned, I realized, something quite large had become between me and my Creator. Something else had become part of my everything, which meant, in my eyes, Christ no longer was enough. There was something else that looked better. That looked more fulfilling. That looked like enough for me. I had let something come between me and God, and suddenly, I was no longer where I should be. One thing that seemed so little at the time, was making a bigger change than I had anticipated. It was already effecting things I didn't even think about.

It was participating in this skit, being in that position that helped me realize what had happened. I really fully believe that. It was subtle; I had slowly been swayed. I didn't realize what had happened until it was out of my control.

The realization, plus some highly providential conversations with my sister and mom brought me to a place of brokenness. A place where it was time to face a decision: an unfulfilling substitute, or Christ Himself. I now realized that something had come between me and Him, and that I had to take action.

I've never in my life been more wrong in a situation. Whats worse than this coming between me and my Father, is I never clued my parents in. But now I found myself in a completely helpless situation. The only place left for me to go was up. After telling my parents, I began to feel the struggle more deeply than ever before. I want to choose Christ. But now I am battling with what had come between us. Fighting daily against this thing. Trying to clean up the mess I'd made. Apologizing, earning trust back, and learning how to make my heart fully His; hiding it deeper and deeper into Him. God has given me two parents who so deeply love the Father that all they want to do is help me accomplish this.

In the last few days, I've experienced an unconditional love I cannot even describe. Feeling so guilty, I've been punishing myself, thinking my parents would withdraw much from me. But they in fact have withheld nothing. Their love for me goes beyond my mistakes. My mom has worked things out for me to be able to do somethings, and I feel so undeserving of her hard work. But her love for me (And my dad's of course) is bigger than my flaws.

I'm learning so much. I feel like a dry sponge soaking up everything God brings my way. I'm slowly learning to accept the forgiveness I've been extended, and learning to relish in the Joy that God gives to be my strength.

Although I'm choosing not to be too specific, I want to share what I have learned.

I have learned first to be more aware of things that don't line up with the authority God has placed over me; both in His Word, and through my parents. That was where I first went wrong.

Secondly I've learned that once I find something that isn't lining up, I have parents for a reason. And they can help me take care of a situation better than I ever could on my own.

Third, I have learned what it truly means to be deceived. By both something, and myself. I made the comment to my mom the other day, I said "I told myself that I never lied to you, which is true, I never told you a falsehood. But I never 'mentioned' the truth either." And that's where I had deceived myself. I thought since I wasn't lying, I wasn't wrong. But that was the biggest lie I fed myself. I should have been more truthful with myself, and perhaps I would have been more truthful with my parents. But God works ALL things, even our mistakes, to our good, and if none of this had happened, I don't know I would have learned these things.

The fourth (And one of the biggest) thing(s) I learned was this: Love and forgiveness. See, I realized about two months ago just how wrong my choices were. But I was so ashamed, that I kept it to myself, hoping I could fix it. Of course I could not, and so I came to my parents. For obvious reasons, they were very unhappy. My parents have never given me a reason to believe they would respond in an unruly manner, but I thought this was the last straw. The one that would cost me the most. However my parents were calm, cool, and collected. They never showed any anger they may have been feeling at the moment, and have continued to demonstrate gentleness. After they extended their forgiveness, I still felt unworthy of it. And as I mentioned earlier, I was punishing myself. But my parents are loving me through it, with a gentle kind of love. The love that is saying, enough is enough, and that is helping me weed out the things in my life that may be causing me to stumble, or may be providing ways to be tempted. The love that says "let us keep you accountable" But it goes beyond that. I think my parents have every right to strip away my social life, every out-of-the-home activity, and anything that would provide an outside influence. But they're not. My mom (as I stated earlier) went out of her way to change some plans so I could go to a concert with my sister, and rearranged some things for two babysitting jobs. Now, I'm not saying that I messed up and they're giving me a free pass; that's not it at all. They're still being parents. And I think pretty amazing ones. They're helping me make wiser choices on what things I should be apart of right now. They're helping me learn how to respond in situations so the honour of Christ is upheld, no matter where I am or who I'm with. They're teaching me how to stay submissive to my dad even when he's not around. They're holding me accountable to what goes on in my life, so that it all lines up with God's word. They're helping me and encouraging me to solidify my beliefs and convictions, so that when I take action, no one can mistake what I believe.

I do not wish these things on anybody. It's not fun.But if anyone ever had to, I wish they had parents like mine. Makes it a whole lot easier to accept discipline.

The last big thing I learned, is I haven't been living my life as if Christ is my everything. How timely. I'm making the choice daily now to strive for Him with everything in my being. These things of the world are passing. They do not fulfill for long. And they cause such hurt to what matters most. On Friday night, I know I can portray a girl who is striving for Christ. My heart is no longer cluttered with dishonest secrets. But raw and vulnerable before God and man; ready and willing to accept the things God has planned. A heart that is seeking for God in the right places.

Thanks for dealing with my ramblings. I have much to learn. But I can't wait to be taught <3

~MadaLee

And then we grow up..

Before we do anything else in this life, we are born. After we are born, we breathe. Its happened to every person who now walks our earth. In America, we stay with mom at home until we are 5 or so when we begin our education. (Of course I was privileged to have mine given by my mother, at home.) From 5-17 or 18 every step of the way is written in stone. You go to grade school until 6th when you are thrust into the three hardest years. After that, its all futuristic from there. The next four years are built around the rest of our lives. And that, is a very scary thought. We're hit with the pressure in 10th grade when we must decide if we're going college prep or not. You might be surprised to know how many people don't go for prep courses. And if you don't, well. A lot of people instantly thrust you into the "failure" category. Either way, after graduation, even some who went college prep choose not to go to college. And even those who did, they go and they just know that they are in school for another four years. Eight if they go to grad-school and etc. After all those years though, the question weighing in on our minds is "now what?" For those choosing not to go to college, or only do four years, the question is asked sooner than others will. But at some point after or near the end of education, everyone asks, "now what?" Some people are blessed to have a job handed to them. Others like myself are left wondering just what are we supposed to be doing? Get a job fine. But I don't want to spend the rest of my life stocking shelves at a craft store.

I fully believe that God has created every life with an amazing purpose, but it's finding what my purpose is that's so difficult. Where does God want me? I know where ideally, I would like to be. But is that lining up with His will for me? I don't want to be something bad, in fact, I want to be a godly wife and mom one day. But until God brings that, what do I need to be doing? Who do I need to be serving or working with?

After the Pomp and Circumstance, once the tassel has been flipped, when all the Hawaiian meatballs and chicken salad is gone, it's not written out for us. When I wake up on May 19th, there's no plan. (As it is right now) I don't have a job lined up. I'm not taking classes at a local college. I'm not moving out. I'm not in a relationship; not getting married right now. I'm not doing any after high school programs. I guess what's even scarier than after May 19th, is that fall. When all my friends go back to school.

My only rest is knowing that HE has it under control, and I get the amazing privilege to watch Him work!

~A very thoughtful MadaLee

no plan, not no future.

July 30 is the start of senior year.

YIKES.

I remember thinking I would never get here. Yet, here I am.

Everyone asks me what I'm "planning to do with my life" as if I haven't lived any of it yet. Or like it didn't matter till now. And that's one of the most annoying and irritating questions to be asked. If you remember this post, I vented quite a bit about trying to explain why I wasn't just moving out for college this year. People understand that, sort of, but what I'm questioned on even more is why I'm not going to college.

Look, I'm not trying to sound judgmental to people who have asked me this, it just gets really frustrating.

I've sought God on this; I'm not just randomly deciding to not get a college education. I've prayed about it.

A lot of times I get "Well. What if you don't get married? You're gonna have to do something for yourself then."

Look, again, I'm not trying to be rude, but stop looking down your nose at me, please. I'm not sub-human because I'm not going to college. If I'm not married in a few years or still just kinda doin the norm, I'll continue doing what I've been doing, and what I will continue doing to that point and just commit it to prayer and seeking guidance from my parents. There are community colleges and online courses; I can take to get what I need should I change my mind. But honestly, don't count on it. I believe in what the Father has told me and confirmed to me. And it does not include college.

But right now...the only thing I know for certain, is that I have no plan. And that takes a ton of trust. A ton. Next year this time, I have no idea what I'll be gearing up for. I wish I knew. Its scary not knowing.

But I feel like such a failure when I tell people that I don't know.

I already get funny looks from people when I say I don't want to drive (yea. not going there right now). When I say I don't know what I'm doing after graduation, I get the open mouth, knit eyebrow, squenched up nose expression and pressing questions for what my problem is. Granted they don't usually say it that way, the question "Well what ARE you gonna do?!" Gets the point across pretty well.

Look, I don't know what I'm gonna do. But God does. I invite you to join me on this journey to finding out just what that is. But as a student, and not the only one with this problem, it's a good idea to phrase those kinds of questions differently.

I don't know what I'll be doing in a year, but I'm excited to find out, watch Him be faithful, and feel how He uses me for His purpose!

~Madalee

Good-bye is never easy...

Remember when you were little, and it just wasn't that hard to say good-bye to the people you loved? It was a short simple cry, and then within a few hours, you'd forget about them, or the time spent with them.

Maybe it wasn't easy, maybe, it's just gotten harder.

Some of the hardest good-bye's are those in that happen because of death (post on this later this week.) Second would probably be when life happens, and friends go two different ways, and "friends" just isn't so easy anymore. Third is when life happens, and one of you moves away or goes to college.

Yea, college.

When I was in 6th grade, my sister was in 11th. When our youth group said good-bye to those seniors, I simply wasn't as effected. The next year, when my sister left, it was pretty sad. All my youth group years(all two of them up to that point), she'd been with me. 8th and 9th grade years, I just wasn't bothered when the seniors said there goodbyes.

Last year was the first year it was like "oh, wow...my friends are graduating and going to college in the fall...." And I actually cried when some of them left the youth group, and when others left town.

(Me, KB, H, K)

But this year. This year, has been by far the hardest. These three awesome people pictured with me, are the seniors I'll miss the most. I'm closest to them, and am ever so thankful, they'll all be local in the fall. The older we all get, the harder it is for the seniors to leave. Every time they do, a piece of our youth group melts. Of course our youth group is growing and changing, and making room for the rising youth, but its still so hard to watch as the seniors go from giant "big kids" to friends.

They'll still be around. We'll still keep in touch. And I'm pretty sure they'll still come to the same church. But no matter how hard you try to hold onto something, it will always change. And on the brink of the last few months with them, we're realizing, that it's all about to happen. Ready or not, here comes the future. It's a scary kind of thing to grasp.

The future is like this unknown, looming, dreadful cloud. And sometimes, you can't out-chase the storm. (not that the future is a storm, rather just the idea of something you don't wanna deal with.) I know I'm not too excited about my unknown, but I'm also not too excited about sayin' goodbye to these people who are the best to make memories with.

I love you guys!

~"Madster"

(Pre)Senior Pictures!

While visiting my sister and her family in one of my favorite cities, my eldest sister suggested we take a few "early senior" portraits. So spur-of-the-moment, away we went! I must say, I was excited about it! Some of them turned out great!

Here's a preview of my favorites, (and I promise one of the only posts that will be pictures of me.)