Excuse me, your ugly is showing: 2018 in review

as the year winds down, and a new one is cresting, my mind is racing, trying to weed through all the lessons i've learned this past year, while also trying to excite myself for all those that lay ahead.

this year brought a lot of firsts for me. for the very first time, i had a job wholly independent from my family. the adjustments it brought were completely unexpected. the things i have learned have been tattooed onto my mind, shaping me into someone almost wholly unrecognizable from who i was last year this time. independence, respect, work ethic, customer service, new skills, sharpening ones i already had...when i look back i feel like all i've done is grown. in just about every area. 

there were aspects of my character, i didn't realize people in my life just...put up with, until i was working with someone who wasn't going to. and it was in these ways that i grew that were most painful. i took it personally when i felt aspects of my personality were under attack, when what was being refined was my character. i could speak of the tact used, but what matters is that i was refined. and whether i liked method or not, i was made a better person. and i have some painful moments to be reminded of that by. 

just when i think i've been stretched and grown and refined enough, a new mirror is held in front of my ever learning but ugly character, and a new opportunity to grow is shoved down my throat, and placed into my tightly clenched fists. 

i have quoted many times my pop, who wisely says "people are messy" and this year i learned just how messy they can be. and as i learned how messy loving people is and how messy being a person is, i learned that when people are with people, the ugly comes out. let me tell y'all, 

the ugly. 

showed. 

up. 

i saw ugly in myself and others that i never even fathomed could be there. as my work situation has shifted, i went from working with one guy, to five women and boy was that a change. the honeymoon phase has ended, and the ugly is leaking out now as we all find our bearings with each other. i though we were in better shape than this, but we're learning new ways to deal with people as we learn to deal well with one another. new people: new things to learn about myself. 

amidst all the ugly i would say this: the ugly shows up, but 

always. 

choose. 

to learn. 

there are lessons in every small trial we face. there are always opportunities for our character to be refined. i didn't always view the ugly (mine or others) as opportunity to grow and change. i didn't always learn from every situation that left me feeling inadequate, or unsatisfied. but when i did, i was better for it. among all the ugly, learn, grow, repeat, there was one other thing, always available for the taking or the giving: grace. 

so.

much. 

grace.

at every short coming, at every failed attempt, or lack of attempt, at every new situation, or not-my-greatest-moments, in every moment of weakness, at the ugly of myself and those around me, there was grace on grace on grace for everyone involved. i wish i always remembered that, when moments felt beyond repair, that there was grace, but i remember it now. 

so go into 2019, ready to face the ugly, ready to learn, and ready to extend grace, to you, and those around you. happy new year, friends. 

The Jump

You know that feeling you get, right before you're about to jump off of something, where you're pretty sure you're going to land just fine on your feet, but there's always that small chance something will go terribly wrong? You have faith that the harness is strong enough or the distance isn't too big, but there's always that slight fear it could go terribly wrong, and so your belly kind of knots up. But you've worked to get to wherever you're jumping from, and so you get ready....



...and. you. jump.


Head first, into whatever abyss lies before you. No turning back, no redoes. Just freefalling into the plans the Father has laid out before you.

Sometimes those plans are one step, or jump, at a time.

"Just go!" your heart is screaming, blood pumping.

And so, you let your foot leave the ledge, then the other. And you go.

Here goes nothing.

*jumps*



(So there's some obvious "poetic" license[metaphoric license?] going on here; for those who would like to know, I'm starting my job at my parent's new gelato and espresso shop tomorrow!)

The journey ahead: all that is new

So since I don't like the "media bombs" people sometimes drop, I thought I would give the world a proper update on me.

Well first things first, lets go back to January. Yikes, I know, January. And not just January, early January. I went to Atlanta with some friends for the Passion conference. It was an incredible weekend, and when I came home my parents informed me that the company my dad worked for was going under. Since my dad found out he began actively working towards a new job. Nothing was panning out the way we thought it should.

The story is full of lots of God ordained, beautiful details. The way that all the pieces fell into place was a work only He could have accomplished. Maybe someday I will get my parents to do a guest post so you can give God the glory He so deserves in all He did for them.

So all of that to say, long story short, after some conversations and a whole lot of prayer, my parents moved forward, and they are opening a gelato and espresso shop.

YIKES. Yay! What? Seriously?!

YES. To all of the above.

My parents are taking a terrifying leap of faith right into the arms of God. I'm proud of them. The timeline is all His, and we don't know when the shop will open, but it will open when God intends it- because nothing has happened unless He has intended for it to. He knows best in all things, the faith this is instilling is vital.

So where does this leave me? Back to January...

My career as a nanny was literally all over the place. I was working for a school teacher as my main job, and doing some part time childcare for some long time family friends. Their situation, however, was changing and they were needing something more consistent. I love the kids, love the parents, love the grandparents- it made sense. So I jumped in with two feet, and by February I had three kids under the age of three; all in (cloth) diapers. Three different schedules, two different families. It was me and three little people that needed me to remember that this one couldn't eat this and that this one has to go down at this time. I had to have this kids on a rigid schedule or something important would be forgotten. (like naps. more than once...) Their diaper changes were scheduled for Pete's sake. To say I was overwhelmed is to put it lightly. I was frazzled, burnt out, stressed out and exhausted. I had Irish triplets and no idea what to do with these three precious babies.

By April I was a literal mess. The Bible study I was "leading" was not getting my best. In fact they were just sort of getting my leftovers. I didn't like to say I was leading, I said I was "facilitating" because leading was too much responsibility. I guess I thought that if I called it something else and didn't put the work in, it would be ok. But it wasn't. By the middle of spring, the study had all but fallen apart. My help around the house was all but nonexistent, and my social life was certainly no better.

It all started adding up, the best way I knew to give something of quality to these other areas of my life was to take the energy from somewhere else. But as I have learned, when you spread yourself too thing, you run out of "you" to spread. When I finally realized that I was no longer giving my best to the babies, that they didn't have my full energy, creativity, and enjoyment, I knew something had to change. I loved them, but in order to survive, I had to have way to much of a schedule. Not that schedules are bad!!! I was just so locked into it, that none of us were enjoying it- me or the babies. So I gulped down the pride, and gave the family my notice. Can we please just get real for a second? This was one of the hardest things I have ever done. Those kids, those precious babies, meant and mean so much to me. My sassy girl and my capuchin monkey man. My kiddos. I loved them. I do love them. Letting them go, however, was the most loving thing I could do for them. They needed to be in their home, on a freer schedule, with someone who had the energy to dedicate to helping grow their creativity and curiosity. They needed something I could not be at this point in my life. So in May, I said good-bye as their nanny and returned to my place as long time family friend and occasional babysitter.

For like, a split second, life chilled out. It was kind of...smooth sailing. I should have known.

I felt like I was doing better with just the one little guy. My baby baby. I've had the kid since he was 2ish months old. He's going to be two soon. Which, isn't a ton of time, ok, I get it. But that's most of his life. I've walked this kid through hours of sleepless naps, argued over quinoa, and cuddled the teething crankies away. I got to help him learn how to walk, speak, learn his shapes and colors. I've been able to teach him signs, Spanish, counting and how to work a crowd (go on, ask him if he pooped his diaper. It's hilarious.)

Needless to say, I had no intention of quitting. I was going to keep my baby, work for my parents over the summer (working for the school teacher came quite handy at times like summer. And holidays.)  and come fall, when I went back full time for them, my parents' shop would be up and running enough, that me being there part time would be enough.

But remember that whole "God is controlling the timeline" thing? Yeah well, if my plan had panned out, my parents would have been open by now and all of ^that would have been fine. But as it is, they aren't even going to be open in the next four weeks. Since this is a "family owned and operated" and everyone else was not able to walk away from what they were doing in life, it was down to me. I was and am the only daughter that will be able to dedicate the kind of time they need.

If we're being totally honest, I knew I didn't want to nanny forever. I did not, however, anticipate leaving it so soon. And yet here I am: walking away from the only career I have ever known. My older sister is sending her baby to kindergarten this year. I would have loved to see my guy that far and then had a parting at such time. But our end came three years sooner.

I'm going to sound super Greek when I say this, but babies are all I have ever known, really. It is the only job I have ever really had.

So, after some prayer and council from my parents, today I took a giant leap of faith. I quit my job, the only job I have ever truly known, and have agreed to work for my parents (as a barista....so. there's that)

YIKES. Yay! What? Seriously?!

Yes. To all of the above.

If you asked me five years ago where I saw myself in five years, I wouldn't have said as a barista in my parents gelato shop. It's not what I imagined for me. To be honest, I've been pretty scared to dream. As totally downer as this sounds, dreams don't seem to pan out too well for me. So I stopped trying to hope for something, and just take each day, each new challenge as it comes. It reminds me of a quote I read, probably on Pinterest, "Maybe the plans God has for me are better than the plans I had for myself." Really it was when I let go, and stopped trying to rip into every door I saw, that the one I'm pretty sure I am supposed to walk through was placed right in front of me. A big neon sign blinking saying, "This is the One". I'm not just stepping into a new job- I am totally switching gears here. I can't wait to be around new people all day. Meeting them and getting to know them. Learning my regulars and learning their stories. I can't wait to be surrounded by the smell of coffee all day. I can't wait to get to be in such a unique and special place with my parents. Working full time, the three of us. I can't wait to see if this is a "reason or a season" (God will use it in my future, or what He will teach me through it...or both.)

I'm terrified, excited, nervous, sad, ready, and totally unprepared all at once. But one thing I guarantee:

I. Can't. Wait.

Stop Saying Jesus is Enough

Maybe its the fact that I was with 40,000 other believers. Maybe its the fact that I haven't done anything like this since high school. Maybe its the fact that I was with a new group of friends. Maybe it's because my faith was needing to drink deep again.

Maybe it was all of these in tandem.

Whatever the reason, or reasons, I was excited. I felt like little kid excited.

As we were sitting in our seats, I looked around at the thousands of people milling around, trying to find theirs. Thousands and thousands together for one purpose: to worship. I decided to do something I don't recall ever doing, so I sat waiting, and prayed my heart into a place of worship. I assure you, it made all the difference in the world. I wasn't just robotically singing along, I was in a place where I could believe what I was singing. I had never experienced worship quite like it. It was beautiful. So bold and bare before our Lord, I poured my whole heart and soul out, and not just "caught up in the moment" type of pour. A pouring of total surrender. I did this before every session, and the worship maintained a "whole heart" atmosphere for me. If you've never done this...do it! I don't know why I waited so long.

The first session starts and Louie Giglio walks out on stage. This is my all time favorite speaker and this was the third time I've heard him live. Remember that excitement I described? It was so still there. He starts speaking, and all of the sudden I'm the only one in the room. He is talking directly to me. There's no one beside me, in front of me, behind me or around me. I'm the only one. And bit by bit, I feel myself breaking down.

This isn't supposed to happen this soon... I'm not even exhausted yet!

I experienced a rush of emotions as pieces of my past flew into my heart and God said "Let's deal with it."

Louie addressed the "broken girl" and I have never felt more vulnerable than that moment, when I sat weeping, my soul gushing out before the Maker, Savior, and Lord. I didn't even care that no one else in my group didn't seem near as effected as I was, I was with my Father and it did not matter. The weight of sins, mine and others that effected me, sat on my lap as I sat listening to the Father's Word come forth this speaker.

"When Jesus came back from hell, he brought the keys for your salvation and the keys for your freedom"

He went on to say that He brought back the keys to set me free from whatever someone did, or didn't do, from whatever hurt, or anger, or fear, or pain, or jealousy, or rage, or sorrow, or malice I felt. Jesus knew what happened, and HE IS BIGGER THAN ALL OF IT.

I knew so much of this, but I realized, I didn't believe any of it.

But in those moments before my Father, I was liberated into His grace and love and freedom. I felt a literal weight lift from my soul. One I did not realize I was carrying.

Over the course of the next few hours and days I had a whole perspective shift, and I never want to forget it.

I was able to sing, and mean every word as a prayer for my heart. It was then we sang a song that had an impact on my heart.

"Nothing and no one comes close to you. Nothing could ever come close." (Simple Pursuit, Melodie Malone)

I didn't believe this. SO many things "come close" to Him where they aught not.

"If you stayed right where you are, I Am everything."
"If everything changed overnight, I Am everything."
"If you lost your job, I Am everything."
"If you never get married, I Am everything."
"If you do get married, I Am everything."
"If you got sick, I Am everything."
"If you lose everyone you love, I Am everything."
"If I called you away, I Am everything."
"If I kept you here, I Am everything."
"If you don't see another day, I Am everything."
"If you walk this world, I Am everything."

Jesus Christ isn't "just enough" HE IS EVERYTHING.

Saying that "Jesus is enough" suddenly felt like I was settling for less. "Enough" suddenly felt like I was saying "well I wanted more, but this will be fine...it's just enough." JESUS CHRIST IS MORE THAN ENOUGH. HE MORE THAN SATISFIES. HE MORE THAN CARES. HE MORE THAN LOVES. He paid such a price, just because of love, and had every right to hate me because of what He suffered, and He chose to love me anyways, and I have the audacity to say He's just enough?

Nothing and No One comes close to Him!

I walked away from this weekend, believing this with my whole heart. The God that gave me freedom from everything that has bound me, LOVES ME. And He, no matter where I stand in this life, is Everything to me.

He is and will be my Joy.
He is and will be my Love.
He is and will be my Life.

I came home, and real life started back- and I had to firmly stand on the guarantee that He is more than enough, He is everything.

Circumstances were immediately rocky, and Jesus was still everything. Even when life doesn't seem right. So much happened this weekend, and Jesus was still the "everything" that made it last. That made it so important.

"When the angel rolled the stone away, it wasn't so Jesus could get out [He walks through walls, it didn't have to move], the stone was rolled away, so that we could see in. Jesus isn't here, HE IS RISEN. He was the victim of our sin but it wasn't His identity. He has become the Victor! Jesus is alive, HE HAS RISEN."

Wanting more than just stuff

"The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want."

I shall not want. 

I shall not want, but I do want. I want things fiercely sometimes. I don't always want bad things, in fact quite the opposite. Except for wanting Netflix to not fall under laziness, but....

Shocker alert blogging world, I want to get married! There, the 21 year old freak has written it out in plain, bold letters! (Quite a feat too, since I'm writing in bed from my iPad.) I want to marry a Godly, strong, man. I want to learn the ins and outs, the sacrifices and the blessings of love. To experience love past roses and sweet nothings. To get into the messy part of loving someone when the job doesn't work out, or the apartment is too small or its banana sandwiches for the third night that week. I want to walk through life with that one man that I pray the Lord is preparing me for.  

I want to get married and I want to have babies. (My word the freak is bold today!) Lots and lots of babies. Babies I carry in my womb and babies I carry in my heart until I can hold them in my arms. I believe strongly in marriage, procreation, and adoption. Can you tell? I want to raise those babies to love the Lord and to love people. I want to teach them everything they need to know. But I want to learn everything I need to know to teach them...and that scares me. I want to be prepared for them, so don't let them down. I want to be a good mommy to them. 

I want to get married, have babies, and I want to be involved in ministry. This is a long standing dream. It's changed in the specifics over the years but the underlying goal has always been the same: to love on people that may be called "the least of these". The poor, the illiterate, the prostitutes, the homeless, the orphans, the alien, and the widow. I want to show them love and do life with people who have been stripped of liveliness. I want to serve people who have been slaves to the world and the minority in the system of culture. 

I don't want bad things. I do want selfish things. I want to be prettier, skinnier, healthier, funnier, to have a more contagious personality. And none of these things are bad. 

But these things, the selfish and the holy, are what I want. 

Me. 

Flawed. Sinner. Wretched me. And I shall not want. The "want" I understand the Psalmist to be talking about, is exactly all the want I've described. 

But here's the thing, more than the way I want my life to go though, I want to be lovely. To be lovely in the way my Saviour is lovely. To be beautiful in the way my Creator is beautiful. To be caring in the way my Rescuer is caring. To be gentle in the way my Shepherd is gentle. And to lead as graciously as my Lord leads. I want to want the things of the Lord more than I want the dream I have built. I want to be desperate for His Word. I want to long for it with every fiber of my being and with every breath that fills my lungs. 

I want to want, only for the Heart of the Most High. And I'm not there yet. 

But this thing, I believe, is a good thing to want!

New happenings

Well hello blog! Whilst I have neglected any personal update, much has happened. I have talked about finally plugging into a church, and what a balm to my soul that has been. Feeling like I'm finally "home" in a sense has been a feeling I never thought I would have.

We have also had a number of exciting additions to the family!




 
 
In May, this little lady was born to my oldest sister! After three boys, having a girl around has been very different already! Its been fun getting to see more and more of her personality and getting to know her sassiness! (Which I like to think I gave her) She is a darling girl and we are so blessed to have her in our family!













We had another very exciting addition just a few weeks after this Miss made her arrival! I shall spur my sister on to a new blog post soon, and I will allow her the details of her beautiful love story, but in the meantime, my sideline view has been a privileged front row seat. At just the right time, the Father saw fit to bring "Mr. Right" into her life. It has been a joy to watch her love and be loved in a right and caring way. He is already such a part of our family, the receiver of many nicknames, and making jokes at my expense! He fits so well, and has been such a blessing to my sister!





The newest member of our family came just two weeks ago today! My second oldest sister welcomed her first son, and we are all SMITTEN! This is the fuzziest, sweetest, chillest little dude I have ever seen! Every time I look at him, I feel like my heart is going to explode. He is precious and perfect in every way. Four nephews and one niece into this family, a new one never ceases to bring so much joy and excitement into our lives! We love him soooo much and are thrilled to have these two babies joining us on the family beach trip coming up! (We're also especially glad, because this guy wasn't due until the 28th!)




That's pretty much the fast track of life since the last personal post! And don't worry, I won't wait this long again! :)

-Mal

 

Overwhelmed

I'm overwhelmed by You, You're sovereign majesty
I'm captured in the passion of a holy King
And I've been reconciled to the son of peace
I belong to You, You belong to me

The lyric has been playing through my mind for more than a week now. I'm overwhelmed by You.

My life felt pretty low in the slumps for a while, where my joy was low and the resentment towards the monotony I felt high. I felt like I had few friends, and those I did have were occupied with jobs or boyfriends or school or a combination of the three.

I felt no joy in my job. My sweet little bubbly, beautiful boy would just smile and grin at me. And as cute as his grins and babbles are, I took little joy in him. I loved on him, of course. But there was no joy. My mom really challenged me and encouraged me to find it and apply it- because it was making me grumpy and moody to everyone and everything.

I began to really seek joy and contentment where I was. And in seeking the will of the Lord, I began to find it. Slowly and surely, I found joy in the little things, and in the hard things. I found things beautiful again, as I also had begun to experience some apathy as well. It was most definitely not an overnight change- but it was an overnight mindset switch. A firm decision to commit the day I was given to the Lord.

All of the sudden I felt blessing after blessing pour out onto my soul. It was is if my heart was being led to the green pastures promised, and I was in knots of excitement, knowing what was ahead; the blessings and provision of the Father. As a friend reminded me just this morning, He withholds NO good thing. It is His desire to bless us. Though we neither deserve it or fully understand it, He does it just the same. In the midst of all of this, I began to actively see His blessings. Most clearly in the form of fellowship and friendship. A lady extended her hand as a mentor, and I am so thankful for that. I met with her and a few other girls, and although I was a bit awkward and maybe a tad distant, I can see myself really plugging into this group the more I get to know them. I was able to have a new friend come for dinner and then visit with her for a while, and I cannot describe the joy I felt for being able to invest into someone again. We were able to talk and chat as if we'd known each other forever.

Can you see at all why I felt beyond overwhelmed? It was too much. My cup was overflowing. And it just kept coming.

On the same night that I met with the lady and girls, the same night my friend was here for dinner, and the same day that I had spent time with the new group I am apart of, it just didn't stop. As I was walking into Panera for Bible Study, I discovered that a lady, very dear to my family was there. I hadn't seen her in at least 5 years, but probably more. As soon as I saw her, my heart just couldn't handle it, and I burst into tears, exploding with joy and thanksgiving.

All I have been thinking since two weeks ago, is, "God, I do not deserve this- but I am so thankful!" I cannot put into words what being overwhelmed by the Father is like- but I assure you, there is nothing like it. I have been able to spend time with my family, in the evenings, or we joined a pool this year and have gone almost every day. It has been such a blessing to take joy in them again. Yesterday, five of the siblings volunteered at a festival, and we just enjoyed being together and riding roller coasters. I have had the time to invest in this new group of people and I feel like I am being established and able to connect and form friendships. But all this by the hand of the Father. I not only did nothing, I deserve nothing. Would  I feel half as overwhelmed right now, had I not chosen to submit to the joy of the Lord? Would I just be delighted with the new of it all, instead of deeply and genuinely thankful for it?

In my Sunday school class, we are working our way through Joshua. Although I came in part way into the book, I have gained so much. Through both the teaching and the discussion. (This deserves a post of its own!) But where we are right now, is the Israelites have just crossed the Jordan on dry ground. But its more than that. When the crossed, it was flood season. So the Jordan wasn't just flowing strong, it was overflowing. When the Lord stopped the waters? He stopped them twenty miles north of where they were crossing. And where the crossed? Directly in front of Jericho. The nation they were going to conquer. And who crossed first? The army. 40,000 men in armor. This was a big deal. Like, huge. So God told Joshua to pick on man from each tribe, to go back to the Jordan, and each pick a stone and bring them back to camp. Why? So they would remember.

Why do I tell you all this? I tell you, because it gives a Biblical reason for my blog. I blog, not just to share, but to remember. And I never want to forget the magnanimity of this moment. Of this feeling of pouring joy from the Lord. Of the blessing of obedience. Once you taste it, you never go back. And I want to forever relish in His joy. Because whether His blessings comes in the form of little or comes in the form of much; comes in His taking away or His giving to me; comes in the form of keeping me here or moving me elsewhere, I don't want to miss it.

I want to remember what His glorious hand looks like in my life. I want to share what His mercies can look like. And I want everyone to know His joy.

Sincerely overwhelmed,
Mal

Not So New

Well hello there blogging world. After my last "real" post, I figured it had been a long enough spell of silence and I could venture forth with an update.

Its been just over a month since I have let you peek into the heart of the girl I described as "devastatingly lonely." And since then, much has changed. Much to the extent of feeling overwhelmed at one point.

Very soon after writing that post, things began to happen in my life and in my heart. Not even a week after that post, we went to a church I like to say is our family's church. My grandparents married there, my parents met and married there, and they stayed there until I was 2. (And being the fourth born, that's quite a while.) I think it's really for that reason that my dad was a little hesitant to visit, but alas, visit we did. And then we did again the next week, and the next, and the next. And so forth and so on. Now about a month and a half later, I feel more established here than I have anywhere in the last two years. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

In the middle of our settling into this church, we had our annual homeschool convention. And although I am now two years graduated, and my sister several more, we still enjoy and look forward to volunteering. In previous years I have worked in the children's program and let me tell you- it takes an insane amount of energy, patience, and joy to keep 25 little ones happy and excited for two solid days. But this year, although I enjoyed the fast paced environment of previous years, I had decided to try something new. I'll spare you the details, but I ended up working in the used curriculum sale. Which honestly, sounds wicked boring. But it was not at all. I worked with people I knew, and met others and enjoyed every second. Reconnecting with some of the folks, and making new friends- it was a really amazing weekend. I even got to keep in contact with a few of them thanks to the modern convenience of facebook! :) Although I'm a "newbie" to the established group of volunteers, everyone was very friendly, and I look forward to continue to get to know them in the coming months, and working with them again next summer!

It was just after this that I began to feel overwhelmed in my soul. I was suddenly being plunged into a group of people who remembered my name, and things about me. People I was talking to and seeing throughout the week were greeting me on Sunday mornings. The very things I had longed and prayed for for a few years now, were coming in droves and all I could identify in my heart was an overwhelmed with joy and thankfulness emotion.

Reflecting on all that has happened these last few weeks as I wrote, brought back the wave of overwhelmed thanks I felt not two weeks ago- and I just can't say enough for how thankful I am.

The church is solid, established, growing, and Gospel driven. I could not have picked a better place if I tried. God led us exactly where He needs us for now.

That's really all I have to say- is just that I feel as though I am finally "home" in a sense. Please just continue praying for our family as we settle in and develop relationships and ministries within this body.

~Mal

An Open Letter to the Church

Dear Church,

First and foremost, when I write the Church, I am essentially writing myself as well. So anything I say can and should apply to me as well.

This said, let me be as honest and transparent as I can be.

My heart aches at the state in which we currently find ourselves. This is a general assessment, because in the last two years, the Lord has led me through a number of different churches. A Baptist church, a Spanish church(also Baptist), a community church, a Calvary chapel, a traditional Baptist church, and most recently a nondenominational congregation.

Although some of these were one week visits, I still see it; in some more than others. But I see it nonetheless.

For some context, let me share where I'm coming from by way of a few verses:

"...let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near." (Hebrews 10:24&25)

"So those who received his word were baptized, and there were added that day about three thousand souls. And they devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching and the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and the prayers." (Acts 2:21&22)

Do you see it?

Fellowship. Encouragement. Sharing meals(breaking of bread). Meeting together.

(source)

Oh church, where is this?

Where is the deep connection to one another in Christ? And why has it been passed up for a quick "I'll pray for you" and busy schedule. What on earth are we doing that is so much more important?

We allow things we say are "necessary" to rule our lives, and then we want to jump into some kind of neighborhood ministry with practical strangers.

How can you expect to minister to nonbelievers with people you don't know? I find this illogical. We're abandoning Christian fellowship for empty relationships in the name of "ministering to them". If we are ministering alone, we already aren't following a Biblical model, nor are we following the example set by Christ himself.

Why have we stopped ministering to each other? Think about this with me, as a Christian, individuals need to know that the community of believers is still around them.

This has not been the case for me in recent years.

I'm not saying that I've been abandoned by the church, as some feel they have been, but I am saying, I see no evident community.

No investment in one another. No joy in doing life together. No real relationship.

Church, why is this the case? Why are we no longer being the network of believers designed by Christ? Why is our answer to "how are you?" always "I'm good!" And why, when someone does decide to be honest, and share "I'm struggling" are we so irritated? Because we're so busy we don't want to deal with someone else's problems.

Church! This isn't Biblical! We're called to listen and minister when someone is struggling! That's what it means to "bear one another's burdens" (and so fulfill the law of Christ Galatians 6:2). But we've built up such a shell of busy, busy, busy, that we are scared to share. We overthink, "what will people think if I was really honest?" This ought not be. But it is. Why? Why have we let ourselves come to this place?

Church, if we are not encouraging one another, building one another up, teaching and training one another, I dare say even admonishing one another, how do we think we can be Christ to others unless we are Christ to each other? This is the family. If it's not right in here, it can't be right out there.

Church, seek the Lord in all we do- and we will be doing His will. And when we do His will- we bring glory to His name.

Signed,
A member of the Church

I was wrong(Single life: part 3)

I know I need to learn how to say it more. But here it is. I'm even going to put it in big. Bold. Letters.

I. WAS. WRONG.

There we have it. I said it. It's sitting there staring me in the face even as I type. It's mocking me. Relentlessly telling me, how much I have to learn about humility.

My words, MY OWN WORDS, keep ringing in my head: "Don't tell me it's a gift, cos its not."

In my flustered irritation about the misconceptions and tacky, unhelpful, cliche sayings that surrounding singleness, I failed to note something: the context of the verses I used in that post. Sure, I read the two or three above and below to make sure they weren't taken out of context, but I sure didn't pay attention to what some of those verses had to say. So sitting in Bible study Tuesday night, I got slapped across the face as the verse was read. A verse I now get a know in my stomach about. One that I obviously paid no mind to. A verse that calls "unmarried life" .......a GIFT.

Not a season.

Not a learning time.

Not a time to play, or travel, or work, or go to school.

A gift.

A gift is a treasure, a precious thing, that you guard and protect, and use correctly. Someone has given it to you, because you were the right person for that gift. And you guys, I have dragged it through the mud! I do not like being single. I struggle with it sometimes, and pray that I will not always be single, but you guys....I'm spitting in God's face. He knows that that GIFT is right for me right now. And He allowed it to be called a gift in His Word for a reason.

"I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another." (v. 7)

See, he calls both a gift. And I think most would agree that calling marriage a gift is right on. But how many of us truly believe that being unmarried is a gift?

He goes on to explain why it's gift at all, and why he prefers it to marriage: because a married person's attention is divided between God and spouse, but an unmarried person can dedicate their whole beings to the Lord. When you look at it that way, what could be sweeter?

This doesn't negate the design and desire for marriage; marriage is still God's purpose for His people. But I think the "gift" of singleness is the intimacy you can receive with The Father.

"...An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord." (vs. 34&35)

Ginger goes again

Remember Ginger?

Well. She's going again.

Its times like these I imagine I resemble a lot of "Peter Pan" or "Anne Shirley" tendencies: a yearning desire for absolutely nothing to change.

But the harsh, cold, true reality is that you can't hold back time. You can't wish it to stop, or to rewind. Time presses on with more endurance than anything else I know or know of. Time changes things we wish to stay the same. Time presses forward, and the more we wish it to hold on, we miss where time has brought us at that moment.

But the thing more consistent than even time itself is God. ("Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever." Hebrews 13:8) And that consistent God is ever faithful, not just to me, but to Ginger as well.

Ginger, as you go, remember that the loving and faithful hand of the Father is on you and all your ways. Know that though time and distance are between us for this season, you are always dear to my heart, and never far from my thoughts. 

Allow the Son to be the light by which you shine. You are so endearing, and lovely, dear Ginger. Let the Father use that! I get overwhelmed thinking of the ways He could. ("For what we proclaim is not ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, with ourselves as your servants for Jesus' sake. For God, who said, 'Let light shine out of darkness,' has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ." 2 Corinthians 4:5&6; "The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it." John 1:5

I don't know how life will look for you in the coming months; and I dare say neither do you. I know you pray. I love to hear you pray. But sometimes, the words just don't come for any of us. When those times come, take comfort. Your shouts of joy or your wails of grief or your moans of confusion or your silence of thankfulness are each heard, and understood. The Father knows. He kind of thought of everything :). ("...the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words." Romans 8:26)

That passage is pretty cool. It goes on to say, that "he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified." (Through vs. 30) 

Ginger I don't know what being adults is going to look like for either of us. Where that will take us, and who it will shape us into. But please know that I am praying for you, wherever you go, will love you however He creates you to be, and will visit you, no matter where He calls you to live!

(Ginger and I spent a lot of time together this summer, but this is the only picture we got. Two of our dearest friends between us!) 

tia on duty

First off, I'm sorry for my month of silence. Between getting the house ready and having it ready for showings, I've hardly touched my laptop. In fact, this is the first time in probably a month that I am sitting down to use it at all. (aside from cutting on music, and that, well lets get real, hardly counts.)

Now onto life as I (currently) know it...I am presently at my sister's house! It was a two-way favor, see. They needed a sitter for an event, and I needed some time away. So in return for a babysitter, they are letting me stay a few days, and I am loving every second with these guys!

Those of you who read my blog at all, know that I come from what is culturally accepted as a "large" family. With four sisters(just on this side of the family) and three nephews, it can be difficult to get one-on-one time, as they are often the most popular attendees at family functions.

But here I am. The only tia for miles. The one for who's attention they are pining. Every little thing they do, from "look at this stick" to "watch me jump off this wall," the comment I hear squealed out of their little mouths is "Yonnie look!!"

The one recently got glasses and is starting to read, another finding his voice and learning to communicate his opinion and the other is in the early stages of learning to walk. Each of them so different. Their own person. They all have likes, and dislikes. Each a voice and face of their own. Each precious and lovely to me. One look. One word. And this tia is melting at their beck and call.

But, even if I would give them the world if they asked, I've found myself in a difficult position.

Three such different guys. Three little people. Three love languages. Three ages. Three names. Three behaviour patterns. Three personalities.

And only. One. Me. No other aunts, uncles, grandparents or anyone else to help make sure each child felt important.

Oh how desperately I want each of them to feel loved and cherished and important! For them to be able to look back and to say "My aunt took time for me. She listened. She loved me."

I have quickly found myself tuning out the copious amounts of noise; turning a deaf ear whatever unidentifiable sound is coming from the back seat or other room; and unfortunately even snapping when they weren't listening to "gentle" instruction.

But while I was here alone, I had this revelation of common knowledge dawn on me: it goes too fast. I looked around and man, I told my sister the mess would have made a nun swear because it had gotten that bad that fast. I won't even go into detail about the mess, the baby has been just off for two days and appears to be getting sick, so he was clingy and fussy. The older two were absolutely wound! They had enough energy to demote the energizer bunny. I didn't even feel stressed about the chaos I had allow to descend on the house, and before I knew it, #2 was asking me what I was singing.

Singing?

Yep. Singing. You guys have got to believe me...it took me an hour and a half to clean up after I put the kids down. And I didn't even care. I enjoyed cleaning up. Because I knew that I had spent time with the little boys who so dearly love me and are glad that I am here with them.

The cake that in my mind was total bust was a little sliver of heavenly sweetness to them. They didn't care that my hair was messy or that my outfit totally clashed. They don't care if I have eloquent speech or use fancy words. It does not impress them when I sing or speak Spanish. They won't remember those things.

The mess remained until they were down. But we had fun. We played games and laughed and just enjoyed being tia and nephews. We sang lullabies and quoted Bible verses together. And it turned out to be a lovely night. I wouldn't change one single thing about it.

So now here it is. 12:30am. I'm sitting in a clean house. With happy sleeping boys upstairs. And I am perfectly pleased to know, I was able to let it all go to be the tia on duty. The one that hears their stories, adventures, and complaints. To hold them when mommy's hand are full. To love them through rough patches. And to rejoice when they conqueror something great. But I will say, I'm glad I am not the only tia all the time. This is a tough job for one gal! ;)

my head is spinning

Ugh these posts never go how I plan. I start typing, lose my train of thought, and end up writing all over the place. Basically, life is full of "new" all around me and I love and hate it.

Ok so maybe hate is tad intense. I don't really hate change, in fact I love it. But sometimes, it all comes at the same time, and I don't enjoy each individual change because I'm trying to cope with all of them. I really hope that makes sense.

So fast track update on all things in my life:

I have had this lady since October, and still have her. Its absolutely incredible how much you can love a little person! She is such a joy, and so sweet.

But things really didn't start changing up a whole lot until this past winter.

God has every family on an incredible journey, and ours has taken us a number of places and to be involved in the lives of a number of different people. That said, we all began feeling a stirring and God took our family out of the church we has been at for as long as I could remember. Often the question is "What happened?" But that's just it. Nothing "happened". God grew us there, and then He moved us to grow differently somewhere else. It's been a- well a painful journey. Most of December we kind of visited around. And by January we came across the place we're at now. It's been so good, but it's taken some getting used to. I grew up Southern Baptist, and this church is nondenominational. There's no Sunday school, and we take communion every week, and these are just the obvious differences compared to what I knew. The experience has been eye-opening to say the least, and I'm hoping to get involved soon. See I came from a pretty small church, and this church is almost 6 times as big. Its easy to look around and feel invisible. I've met a few people, but I haven't really made any "friends", if you get me.

So other than church life, I decided to start looking for a second job. I LOVE my Babygirl, but it just isn't enough to be able to save up for a car and such, so I put my name out there a little, and two days later I got a phone call. I chatted things over with this lady and we decided to meet and talk about it. Only for me to find out, that my parents wanted to move!(you weren't expecting that, were you?) So at this point I'm going "Ok God, You give- You take away. Is that how this works?" But my doubting heart was beat into submission of surrender and I just started praying like a warrior.

I met with this family and loved them instantly! They were very sweet and super easy going. I got a call from her on Sunday, saying they want to move ahead with this, and unless we move out of striking distance, I will begin child care for their infant starting in October! Basically, I owed the Father an apology for my doubt.

So there's work, life and church in a nutshell. Just when I think "That's enough big, life impacting events for a while." Another curve ball hits my still-running mouth. I guess I'll stop telling Him what I can and cannot handle, and trust that no matter what I face, He will be there with me through it, looking at me, his faulted daughter, and seeing instead His perfect Son, and loving me through it.

Measure up.

Glancing in the mirror the other day, I smiled lightly to myself. I didn't look half bad that day.

But.

I have struggled with self image for as long as I can remember. I recall being as young as 8 or 9, and laying in bed, on my back, and trying to see how thick I was from my back to my belly, and my mom coming in and asking me what I was doing. I remember having friends over after church and having to scour my clothing for something small enough for them to wear. This one time one of my older sister's friends came over and she had to borrow something of mine. At 10+ years between us, I remember feeling embarrassed because someone so much older than me was wearing my clothes (I was like 10 at the time, so older clearly meant bigger in my mind.) To this day, among my friends group, I'm the largest, one of the shortest, and probably one of the palest.

Any time I begin to think, "Hey I'm not so wide!" I see on of my very tiny friends and realize "...oh but I am."

I look in the mirror of my poorly lit bathroom and see my skin and think "I'm not that pale!" And then I stand next to Yenny. (I guess being Salvadorean gives her the benefit? :))

I have different thoughts like, "My acne isn't so bad. Or my 'girl-stache" isn't so noticeable. Or I'm not that short. Or my hair is kind of long!"  And yet, somehow, something happens to make me realize, I always fall short. I do not measure up in someway. Every. Single. Time. There is always someone who has whatever I have, better.

But I'm holding myself to an impossible standard. One of culturally defined beauty that no one woman has reached it on her own. Any woman who has reached an unnatural ideal has done it...unnaturally. Either by cosmetic surgery and chemicals or by photoshop and airbrushing. Or worse, both. So girls(myself among them) see these unrealistic pictures of "beauty" and strive within our means to reach them and obviously, don't. And when we finally feel good about something, we find someone who has it better and then it's back to level zero again.

But there's another unreachable standard. And one that not just girls fail with. One that every single person fails with. And that most every person strives for.

So what is this totally impossible standard?

Perfection.

Beautiful, unmarred, sacred, glorious perfection.

But good news!

We have a means to reach this one.

You see, as we are all unlovely, we cannot be with the God, who IS love.

BUT! Because He is Love, He made a way for us! He tells us this: "...God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."

My pastor said this gem on Sunday. Consider it. "God, sent is Son, to come and live the live you were created to live, and then to die for the one you chose to live instead."

It is OUR fault, but God loves us too much to let that be the end. So He goes on to tell us: "Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God’s wrath through him!"

When we accept the sacrifice of His life, God looks at us and sees His son! The wrath He would have poured out on our unmeasured up selves was instead poured out on his son, and because of that, we, though not on our own strength, finally measure up! And that, ladies and gentlemen, is far more worth our time than any humanly concocted idea of perfection. 

Because out of that love for His sacrifice, we obey His Words. Not to gain His approval, but to show our love for all He has done for us. And sometimes, that's not glamorous or fabulous. But to Him, it is beautiful. He tells us in His word that it is "Music to His ears." 

I don't know about you, but that, that is worth never measuring up here.

Not Done Learning

Its been almost two weeks since I took my big sister to the airport and said adios. And guess what? SHE COMES HOME TOMORROW! You have no idea how ready I am! Its been terribly lonely here without here. Yes, my family is here, but everyone else has jobs outside the home, and AH and I work together, at home. So with the person I spend most of my time with gone, I've been alone a lot. I'm thankful as I have had friends willing to come over at weird times and been able to spend time with old friends, friends that have been gone (look for a post about my Ginger friend soon! :)), and friends that I just love dearly. But some days nap time would roll around and the house would be still and quiet. The laundry done, dishes taken care of, dinner thought about and not much left for me to do. Its been good practice and a lot of fun taking care of multiple kids and a house and family, but when I'm a mom (and have my license!;)) I will take my kids out more because I have gone a tad crazy being cooped up. I was thankful for the Bible study we've had, and little things like going to the bank, or friends who picked me up for dinner. It was nice to get out!

So for as fun and challenging as these weeks have been, I'm glad to see them coming to a close. It's time for me to go back to normal.

I've learned though, that I still have a lot to learn. That although there were days I had everything done, I still had days that I didn't. I've learned that the people God has put around me for now, are the people I need the most: my family. I've learned that some days, you may go without exercise, lunch or a shower, but you can't go without time with Him. I've learned that I take for granted having my close stay looking nice and clean; and only having to clean the bathroom once a week... I've learned that things are just things. That if they end up with someone else, it doesn't matter; and that I have more to give than just things anyways. And I should freely give as He has freely given. I have learned not to worry. Not that I don't...I do, I've just relearned how important it is to not; I have learned that my worrying is telling God "I don't think you will provide for me." But He who has freely given all things will surely provide for me. If He can provide strength for the beasts of the field, He will surely provide for me. I have learned that I cannot do it all. And sometimes I need help. I have learned that biting my tongue and finding a sweet word help my days go better. I have found, that I am still under construction. That I am a masterpiece only just being started on.

"Wherever you are - be all there." -Jim Elliot

Here comes Mama Bear

No, this is not a post about my mom.

Its not about my sister or any friends who are moms.

In fact, it's not even about a specific mom, or moms in general.

No. This is a post about me.

Me, who is most definitely not a mom.

As an act of love and service the sister I do most everything with; from scrubbing down the kitchen to taking care of babehs to teaching ESL; has left me, FOR TWO WEEKS. I'm very thankful she is where she is, but I am already missing her something fierce.

She has flown south to help out some friends that we call "family." They have three children, and we love the whole family dearly. Just a few short months ago, we got a picture via text letting us know, there was one more coming! (8 years after the youngest!) It was like being told one of my sisters were pregnant! The next nine months were very hard, and her pregnancy was rough and medically dangerous.
Finally, on the 17th, a beautiful little girl arrived! Healthy and whole! However, there were still some complications, as the mom has been hospitalized since with high blood pressure, and the baby in and out with high Bili Reuben levels. Enough was enough. So off she went down to be with them for two weeks. So understand me when I say this: I'm not sad she's there; I'm sad she's not here. Make sense?

Anyways. We pretty much work as a team, her and I. Without her here, I'm doing what we normally do together and then some and it is crazy! Since I could not go and be with the family, I volunteered to take her little boy for the next to weeks, in addition to my baby. And in a single week, we typically deep clean the house, have dinner ready most nights, get laundry done and dishes, and keep our babies clean, happy and fed. I'm finding that it is quite a feat.

She just left yesterday and already I'm counting down the days. And finding myself increasingly grateful for little things. Like only having my baby two days a week, instead of five. Like having my mom home three days a week instead of only two. Like friends who are willing to do stuff at weird hours so I'm not alone when mom and the Little do have to go to work. Like having only one baby in diapers (AH's little guy is newly potty-trained, however this has been quite a funny story for him and I...more to come on that.)

Yesterday, after deep cleaning the stairs, foyer, living room and bathroom; getting all the laundry done, and having the kitchen cleaned(i.e. just the dishes, but hey.) I was feeling preeeeetty awesome. But I got the little Pickle (as I call him, affectionately) up from his nap, and took him potty. Not to be all TMI, but basically, my clean bathroom had to be re-cleaned after a miscommunication between him and I. As he looked at his bull's eye wet spot on the back of his pants and then up at me, I literally sat down on the bathroom floor and just started laughing. What else could I do? There was no point in any other reaction, and it eased him up. We fixed our new found issue and went about our afternoon (only to repeat the incident today, and this time the pants were not there to catch it =/)

But today I had both kiddos. And thank the Lord, my mom as well. Up earlier than normal, working a little harder than normal. And feeling accomplished, but very tired. And the only label I can put on it is: mom. I feel like a mom. Not playing house with a silent, plastic baby doll that never actually needs a clean diaper or food. Yes its only been two days (roughly) but I'm starting to have a new found appreciation for young mamas all over the world. And thank goodness, there is no one coming home that I have to look all nice for, because I'm not sure that will happen so much the next few weeks. I'll get there eventually.

And even though it's been a harder two days than normal, it hasn't deterred me at all. This is what I want. This is what I'm training for. And I guess that's why I'm thankful for these few weeks of "trial run" by myself. I obviously have some work to do, but I am loving every crazy, chaotic moment of it! :)

As I type my little girl is screaming in protest of a nap. This may become the chronicles of a mom in training for the next few weeks but until this....

~the lady with snot on her shirt

The Coca-Cola Controversy

Well I was about 55% American on Sunday night, as I rooted my team along (I was proud they won, too by the way.) and watched as they tore down the field and scored on and on. I laughed, cried and smiled my way through the best commercials of the year. And a few points after the half-time show, I hit the sack. Seems as though the flu was keeping me from the one game I watch a year, and one I was particularly interested in. This is A LOT coming from me, I'm generally anti-sports, but I was absolutely enthralled in this game. But alas, I could no longer stay awake, exciting as it was. However before benadryl and general "I'm sick" sleepiness over took my body, I saw one of the BEST commercials I have ever seen, to date. 

This one.





So why am I considering this the best one to date? Because this minute long commercial more accurately portrayed America than any story, description, or detailed 400-page book ever could have. And as an American citizen, I was proud of how well this was done.

I'm choosing to write this, because there was a HUGE controversy that sparked over this 60 second gem. People began trending on twitter #speakAmerican and other more hateful things going from racism, to blaming the commercial as communistic to being as extreme as terrorist. HOW?! I have no logical idea.

America is called the Melting Pot nation. It is a culture made up entirely of other, already existing cultures. I heard someone say once something like "America is a young culture. We are hardly established compared to the world we live in. Most other governments and cultures are far older than ours." Its part of what makes us unique as a culture. We're still figuring things out. We're the "teenagers of the nations," if you will.

If you want to really "speak American" then lets all learn Cherokee or Sioux, because that's American. The English were the invaders. I'm not going to beat a dead horse, or use everyone else's arguments. But I will say, that our forefathers recognized this nation as the nation of open arms, that wants people to come in. Its why France gave us Lady Liberty. We have the "American dream" that people leave their homes for. They don't want to take our jobs, or change our national language, they want to be apart of a nation that is made up of many nations, and continue to make America the beautiful, multicultural nation it is. And that is why, this commercial is so beautiful.

Feeling Thoughtful

We don't always know where the Father has us going, and sometimes the getting there is rough or confusing, but I would rather be terrified at the center of His will, than stay in the feeling of false comfort in the middle of mine.

This time is a time for discretion, but pray for me as I feel some changes are on the near horizon. As it has been said, "the best is yet to come," so until then, I will continue to live exactly where He has me!

"Every story had to start 'once upon a time' and though you may see a dull 'the end', find the happily ever after.'" Anonymous

Chocolatier

Thanks to my sister, EP, I got a wonderful chocolate recipe and I have been busy in the kitchen aaaaall week long creating some yummy(if I do say so myself) confections! I have made eight batches of chocolate (only six successful ones) and the texture has been spot on! I purchased some Special Dark cocoa powder from Hershey's instead of regular(milk) because I really like dark chocolate! I made my first batch of milk chocolate today and it was a hit! I've also made several batches with coffee in them, and those are absolutely decadent. My latest endevour was raspberry flavored dark chocolate, and it isn't turning out so well. I think because there was so much liquid in it, that it's not firming up the way the others have been. We'll see. Its been fun experimenting! I'll post what I call the "skeleton" recipe below. (And also the recipe for raw sugar solution, which is what I use as my sweetener. The recipe I use comes from the "Skinny Chocolate" recipe by Trim Healthy Mama.

Smooth and melty chocolate:

What you'll need:
1/2 C. measuring cup
1/4 C. measuring cup
Table spoon
metal whisk
small sauce pot
*parchment paper
*small petal pan (I've been using toaster size)
metal soup spoon

*You only need these if you chose to do a sheet of chocolate. I've also been using candy molds. If you have candy molds, use them. I found that a more uniform looking piece of chocolate is more enticing and presentable.

Ingredients:
1/2 C. coconut oil
1/4 C. cocoa powder
3 T. raw sugar solution
1/2 T. vanilla
Flavoring of your choice (I've done coffee, coffee raspberry, and my sister has done toffee flavoring, and caramel.)

1)Melt down the coconut oil in sauce pan. (It melts quickly, so stay right with it.)

2) Remove from heat promptly and wisk in sugar solution, vanilla, and liquid flavoring(this is when I added my coffee concentrate; only about a tablespoon or so. Judge the amounts for yourself, I like mine with more flavor, but found that more liquid alters the texture making it difficult to freeze.)

3) Whisk in cocoa powder. The texture should be liquidy and smooth. If you still have clumps, whisk them out.

4) If you're using candy molds, spoon or pipe(if you have piping bottles) the chocolate mixture in. If you're using a pan, line it with parchment paper and pour the chocolate in. The bigger the pan, the thinner the chocolate. I don't like my too thick, but too thing is just unsatisfying. Again, judge this for your own personal preference.

5) Freeze it. The time depends entirely on the overall texture and thickness of your chocolate. Some of my chocolate has taken as little as 10 minutes to freeze completely, and some has taken upwards of an hour. If they sink at all to touch, or seem tacky with you touch them, keep freezing. If they're still tacky or sticky after an hour, the batch is, sadly, scrapped. I've done this twice now :(

6) Once your chocolate is frozen through, pop it out.

For candy molds:
turn them over, and bang the back of each candy with soup spoon. The should pop out fairly easily; if not try freezing them a tad longer.

For a pan:
Lift the parchment paper out and simply bang the chocolate with the soup spoon. The pieces will be unevenly shaped and sized, but oooo so tasty!

I store my chocolate in Rubbermaid containers in the freezer, but it can also be kept in the fridge. Because of the coconut oil, it needs to be kept cool.

Raw Sugar Solution:

What you'll need:
1 C. measuring cup
Glass 2 C. measuring cup

Ingredients:
1 C. boiling water
1 C. sugar in the raw(found with normal white sugar)

1) Simply put both ingredients in the glass container, and stir with a fork. The sugar won't dissolve completely, so I pop it into the microwave for 1 1/2-2 minutes and the sugar is usually fully dissolved. I keep mine in a Rubbermaid(no...I'm not actually obsessed...) container that has a small pour hole on the lid and store it in the fridge. My sister uses it in cold coffee, my mom uses it in plain yogurt, and I use it in my chocolate. It's a great little sweetener to use! 


Hope someone finds this and enjoys it! :)

Beauty Hacks-take two

I have about 15 posts with substance in the making, however they are just not coming together how I want them to go.

So in the mean time, here's some more of my favorite/original BEAUTY HACKS. (Part one here)

SKIN CARE:

1) I have told y'all before that I have very oily skin. HOWEVER. I have read a TON about over-drying your face; and all the information in its most basic form is: when you dry out your face(over wash), your pores over compensate for the stripped oils, and leave your skin even oilier. (Same general idea goes for your hair as well, I'll write about this later on.)

ANYWAYS. Someone in my family bought this lotion, decided they didn't like it. So I took it. On the back it notes "won't clog pores" and I took a little risk and put it aaaaallll over my face. Forehead to chin, earlobe to earlobe. The next morning I rolled over and skeptically looked in my little mirror. To my surprise, not only was there indeed no new spots on my face, but my normally angry looking skin was quite clear. So now it's been several weeks of applying this to my face right before I go to sleep, and my skin has cleared up SO MUCH. Old scars are gone. My skin isn't splotchy, or red and angry looking; and no new spots have appeared. My skin is yes still oily, but slightly less than normal. And it's super clear. More than it has been in YEARS.

2) However sometimes, ya do get those spots that nothing seems to help and no, there is no miracle cream or paste or concoction. But this little green stuff helps a lot. I used to apply it all over my face before I started doing the lotion; the lotion works better. However for little tough spots, this stuff is good. (If you chose to use it all over, you'll look like Shrek, but it fades by morning.) Its better in small portions like concentrated spots instead of all over. It dries out new spots and this also helped clear up some old scars.



GENERAL:

~I've talked about my goats milk soap before. But I can't speak highly enough of it. I am out and in desperate need of more!  This stuff kept my skin clear and healthy looking, and helped with some general body odor. I HAVE MISSED THIS STUFF. I'll post a link here where you can get some for $5 a bar. Its incredible.

I actually have nothing else. Just theses.

More to come as I discover them! :)