Firefly Forest: A story about Jesus

Earlier this week, I read an article that hit me right between the eyes. You know, that spot that connects your thinking brain to your convicted heart. The article is good, by all means please go read it, but it was one line that triggered a memory that brought a smile to my face and proved her point simultaneously. (Side note, if you chose not to read the article for whatever reason, it is a wonderful and convicting post and not as worldly feely as this quote makes it sound, this quote is simply something that jumped out at me.)

"when humans experience awe...we become less individualistic, less self-focused, less materialistic, more connected to those around us. In marveling at something greater than ourselves, we become more able to reach out to others."

 

 

 

I was driving back into town tonight, reflecting on Bible study and all that we had talked about. I had referenced this article, specifically the portion about (obviously not verbatim here) how when the focus is us, the focus is wrong, but when our heart is one of awe of God, our focus is right, and our awe drives us to reach out to others. My dear friend listened quietly as a I rattled on and on about the memory that this one little quote had sparked.

 

It was summer before senior year. I was young, hopeful, and all kinds of selfish. How I wish I could say I wasn't, but don't we all. I was perfectly happy to be on this missions trip to Philadelphia, no fight there. But could have done with out the incessant bathroom themed jokes from the abundant amount of middle school boys who had somehow secured a spot on this trip. As one of the few high schoolers there, we had few options of people to hang out with and chose instead to be all together. For the most part this was fine. But after a few days of it, my total lack of brothers growing up became increasingly clear. Its amazing how fast you can learn to tune something or someone out...by day three I'm pretty sure I had thoroughly installed my "middle school boy" filter. So one night when they came running up to me and my best friend, huffing and puffing and obviously overexcited, it was all I could do to listen to them go on and on about the "GROVE OF TREES" that we "ABSOLUTELY HAD TO SEE RIGHT THIS SECOND BEFORE THEY WENT AWAY!" Literally the only reason my attitude-ed self tuned into them was because the only things these boys got excited about were, food, farts and video games. And since I'm pretty sure the weren't coming to fill me in on the latter two, and we had already had dinner, I listened. And to this day, I'm so glad I did.

 

After they all took a breath and could speak more than one word between gasps for air, they got out that in this little grove of trees, just into the woods at the edge of camp there were innumerable fireflies. Since that was clearly a big word for their vocabulary my friend and I decided to go see the "firefly forest" as they had been calling it. A few steps down into the woods, and you hit a clearing, and you didn't even have to look up, your eyes could see it everywhere. Thousands, if not millions of fireflies dotted the canvas of dark trees against a gently lit sky.

 

Awe doesn't even begin to describe it. Not one person could believe or shake it. So the few high schoolers that had gotten wrangled into going down there promptly turned around and ran out- everyone needed to see this.

 

We raced back to the camp, gathered up blankets, sleeping bags, tarps- anything people could sit on, and the hand of anyone who would listen to us talk about the fireflies in the forest. After grabbing things up as quickly as we could we raced back down to the little grove- not wanting to miss a moment of the light show God had set there.

 

We laid out our blankets and laid in a circle, just staring at them all. So overwhelmed by the little piece of majesty we were watching.

 

And here's where things got intense. One by one, middle school right up to high school, boys and girls, grabbed the hand of the person sitting next to them. Some prayed a loud, some shouted attributes and qualities of God, other sang, and still others were so struck by awe, they were silent. I had never had worship quite like it, so raw, so vulnerable- so full of awe.

 

We all marveled. We all sat in this little bit of glory. And we worshipped. And we only knew about it- because the awe of the moment touched the hearts of six middle school boys. It moved them beyond themselves to tell everyone, anyone, about what they had seen.

 

Friends, when the focus is us, the focus is wrong. Be awed  by our Savior. If you look at the mountains, praise their Maker. If you look at the sea, praise its Creator. Allow these wonders to be the vehicle to awe- and not the point of praise. But look for them! If you aren't awed by Him, find it again. Praise Him for it. And then tell others.

Wanting more than just stuff

"The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want."

I shall not want. 

I shall not want, but I do want. I want things fiercely sometimes. I don't always want bad things, in fact quite the opposite. Except for wanting Netflix to not fall under laziness, but....

Shocker alert blogging world, I want to get married! There, the 21 year old freak has written it out in plain, bold letters! (Quite a feat too, since I'm writing in bed from my iPad.) I want to marry a Godly, strong, man. I want to learn the ins and outs, the sacrifices and the blessings of love. To experience love past roses and sweet nothings. To get into the messy part of loving someone when the job doesn't work out, or the apartment is too small or its banana sandwiches for the third night that week. I want to walk through life with that one man that I pray the Lord is preparing me for.  

I want to get married and I want to have babies. (My word the freak is bold today!) Lots and lots of babies. Babies I carry in my womb and babies I carry in my heart until I can hold them in my arms. I believe strongly in marriage, procreation, and adoption. Can you tell? I want to raise those babies to love the Lord and to love people. I want to teach them everything they need to know. But I want to learn everything I need to know to teach them...and that scares me. I want to be prepared for them, so don't let them down. I want to be a good mommy to them. 

I want to get married, have babies, and I want to be involved in ministry. This is a long standing dream. It's changed in the specifics over the years but the underlying goal has always been the same: to love on people that may be called "the least of these". The poor, the illiterate, the prostitutes, the homeless, the orphans, the alien, and the widow. I want to show them love and do life with people who have been stripped of liveliness. I want to serve people who have been slaves to the world and the minority in the system of culture. 

I don't want bad things. I do want selfish things. I want to be prettier, skinnier, healthier, funnier, to have a more contagious personality. And none of these things are bad. 

But these things, the selfish and the holy, are what I want. 

Me. 

Flawed. Sinner. Wretched me. And I shall not want. The "want" I understand the Psalmist to be talking about, is exactly all the want I've described. 

But here's the thing, more than the way I want my life to go though, I want to be lovely. To be lovely in the way my Saviour is lovely. To be beautiful in the way my Creator is beautiful. To be caring in the way my Rescuer is caring. To be gentle in the way my Shepherd is gentle. And to lead as graciously as my Lord leads. I want to want the things of the Lord more than I want the dream I have built. I want to be desperate for His Word. I want to long for it with every fiber of my being and with every breath that fills my lungs. 

I want to want, only for the Heart of the Most High. And I'm not there yet. 

But this thing, I believe, is a good thing to want!

Overwhelmed

I'm overwhelmed by You, You're sovereign majesty
I'm captured in the passion of a holy King
And I've been reconciled to the son of peace
I belong to You, You belong to me

The lyric has been playing through my mind for more than a week now. I'm overwhelmed by You.

My life felt pretty low in the slumps for a while, where my joy was low and the resentment towards the monotony I felt high. I felt like I had few friends, and those I did have were occupied with jobs or boyfriends or school or a combination of the three.

I felt no joy in my job. My sweet little bubbly, beautiful boy would just smile and grin at me. And as cute as his grins and babbles are, I took little joy in him. I loved on him, of course. But there was no joy. My mom really challenged me and encouraged me to find it and apply it- because it was making me grumpy and moody to everyone and everything.

I began to really seek joy and contentment where I was. And in seeking the will of the Lord, I began to find it. Slowly and surely, I found joy in the little things, and in the hard things. I found things beautiful again, as I also had begun to experience some apathy as well. It was most definitely not an overnight change- but it was an overnight mindset switch. A firm decision to commit the day I was given to the Lord.

All of the sudden I felt blessing after blessing pour out onto my soul. It was is if my heart was being led to the green pastures promised, and I was in knots of excitement, knowing what was ahead; the blessings and provision of the Father. As a friend reminded me just this morning, He withholds NO good thing. It is His desire to bless us. Though we neither deserve it or fully understand it, He does it just the same. In the midst of all of this, I began to actively see His blessings. Most clearly in the form of fellowship and friendship. A lady extended her hand as a mentor, and I am so thankful for that. I met with her and a few other girls, and although I was a bit awkward and maybe a tad distant, I can see myself really plugging into this group the more I get to know them. I was able to have a new friend come for dinner and then visit with her for a while, and I cannot describe the joy I felt for being able to invest into someone again. We were able to talk and chat as if we'd known each other forever.

Can you see at all why I felt beyond overwhelmed? It was too much. My cup was overflowing. And it just kept coming.

On the same night that I met with the lady and girls, the same night my friend was here for dinner, and the same day that I had spent time with the new group I am apart of, it just didn't stop. As I was walking into Panera for Bible Study, I discovered that a lady, very dear to my family was there. I hadn't seen her in at least 5 years, but probably more. As soon as I saw her, my heart just couldn't handle it, and I burst into tears, exploding with joy and thanksgiving.

All I have been thinking since two weeks ago, is, "God, I do not deserve this- but I am so thankful!" I cannot put into words what being overwhelmed by the Father is like- but I assure you, there is nothing like it. I have been able to spend time with my family, in the evenings, or we joined a pool this year and have gone almost every day. It has been such a blessing to take joy in them again. Yesterday, five of the siblings volunteered at a festival, and we just enjoyed being together and riding roller coasters. I have had the time to invest in this new group of people and I feel like I am being established and able to connect and form friendships. But all this by the hand of the Father. I not only did nothing, I deserve nothing. Would  I feel half as overwhelmed right now, had I not chosen to submit to the joy of the Lord? Would I just be delighted with the new of it all, instead of deeply and genuinely thankful for it?

In my Sunday school class, we are working our way through Joshua. Although I came in part way into the book, I have gained so much. Through both the teaching and the discussion. (This deserves a post of its own!) But where we are right now, is the Israelites have just crossed the Jordan on dry ground. But its more than that. When the crossed, it was flood season. So the Jordan wasn't just flowing strong, it was overflowing. When the Lord stopped the waters? He stopped them twenty miles north of where they were crossing. And where the crossed? Directly in front of Jericho. The nation they were going to conquer. And who crossed first? The army. 40,000 men in armor. This was a big deal. Like, huge. So God told Joshua to pick on man from each tribe, to go back to the Jordan, and each pick a stone and bring them back to camp. Why? So they would remember.

Why do I tell you all this? I tell you, because it gives a Biblical reason for my blog. I blog, not just to share, but to remember. And I never want to forget the magnanimity of this moment. Of this feeling of pouring joy from the Lord. Of the blessing of obedience. Once you taste it, you never go back. And I want to forever relish in His joy. Because whether His blessings comes in the form of little or comes in the form of much; comes in His taking away or His giving to me; comes in the form of keeping me here or moving me elsewhere, I don't want to miss it.

I want to remember what His glorious hand looks like in my life. I want to share what His mercies can look like. And I want everyone to know His joy.

Sincerely overwhelmed,
Mal

An Open Letter to the Church

Dear Church,

First and foremost, when I write the Church, I am essentially writing myself as well. So anything I say can and should apply to me as well.

This said, let me be as honest and transparent as I can be.

My heart aches at the state in which we currently find ourselves. This is a general assessment, because in the last two years, the Lord has led me through a number of different churches. A Baptist church, a Spanish church(also Baptist), a community church, a Calvary chapel, a traditional Baptist church, and most recently a nondenominational congregation.

Although some of these were one week visits, I still see it; in some more than others. But I see it nonetheless.

For some context, let me share where I'm coming from by way of a few verses:

"...let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near." (Hebrews 10:24&25)

"So those who received his word were baptized, and there were added that day about three thousand souls. And they devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching and the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and the prayers." (Acts 2:21&22)

Do you see it?

Fellowship. Encouragement. Sharing meals(breaking of bread). Meeting together.

(source)

Oh church, where is this?

Where is the deep connection to one another in Christ? And why has it been passed up for a quick "I'll pray for you" and busy schedule. What on earth are we doing that is so much more important?

We allow things we say are "necessary" to rule our lives, and then we want to jump into some kind of neighborhood ministry with practical strangers.

How can you expect to minister to nonbelievers with people you don't know? I find this illogical. We're abandoning Christian fellowship for empty relationships in the name of "ministering to them". If we are ministering alone, we already aren't following a Biblical model, nor are we following the example set by Christ himself.

Why have we stopped ministering to each other? Think about this with me, as a Christian, individuals need to know that the community of believers is still around them.

This has not been the case for me in recent years.

I'm not saying that I've been abandoned by the church, as some feel they have been, but I am saying, I see no evident community.

No investment in one another. No joy in doing life together. No real relationship.

Church, why is this the case? Why are we no longer being the network of believers designed by Christ? Why is our answer to "how are you?" always "I'm good!" And why, when someone does decide to be honest, and share "I'm struggling" are we so irritated? Because we're so busy we don't want to deal with someone else's problems.

Church! This isn't Biblical! We're called to listen and minister when someone is struggling! That's what it means to "bear one another's burdens" (and so fulfill the law of Christ Galatians 6:2). But we've built up such a shell of busy, busy, busy, that we are scared to share. We overthink, "what will people think if I was really honest?" This ought not be. But it is. Why? Why have we let ourselves come to this place?

Church, if we are not encouraging one another, building one another up, teaching and training one another, I dare say even admonishing one another, how do we think we can be Christ to others unless we are Christ to each other? This is the family. If it's not right in here, it can't be right out there.

Church, seek the Lord in all we do- and we will be doing His will. And when we do His will- we bring glory to His name.

Signed,
A member of the Church

Please, Mr. President

Dear Mr. President,

You're a pretty busy man. And this I understand. But see, I've written you before and well, that was a while ago, and it just doesn't seem like much has changed since then.

Sir, picture this with me: think of your wife and two girls, and you in prison in another country. How would your kids feel if they had to go on living their lives if you were unavoidably detained elsewhere? Think of how your wife would feel, having to basically raise them by herself. Don't think of the torture you may have sustained, the malnourishment, the total cut off from communication to your family, the fact that you can't even pick up the phone to hear your wife's voice, or watch a cute video on your phone of your daughter's birthday party. Don't think about the fact that maybe all the people in your prison pick out you to hate. Don't imagine the insanity you would begin to feel in the dark solitude. Don't think of the months and months that have stretched into years that have driven a gap between you and your loved ones. Don't think of abyss that you face every time your conscious. Just think of your wife, and your babies, without you.

Mr. President, doesn't that break your heart? Doesn't it devastate you to imagine your little girls celebrating another year of their life...without you? Or to picture your wife celebrating your wedding anniversary across the table from an empty chair?

Now Mr. President, think of your country. If your country had any power at all, to bring you back to the arms of your family, wouldn't you hope, and pray, and maybe expect that to be happening? Now imagine that your country could do something, and didn't.

Mr. President! Search your heart! Doesn't this disturb your soul?

I ask for one last thing. Think of the man sitting in a prison on the other side of the world. The man who has suffered all this and more. Think of your fellow man, another human being, loved by God, suffering unthinkable things, and do for him what you would want him to do for you. Do everything in your power to bring this American citizen home to his family. And until that time comes, what are you doing for his young bride who is living the life of a widow, leader her family by herself? I beg of you, what would you want done? Are you doing it?

Mr. President, its time to bring Saeed home.

Signed,
An American citizen

Ginger goes again

Remember Ginger?

Well. She's going again.

Its times like these I imagine I resemble a lot of "Peter Pan" or "Anne Shirley" tendencies: a yearning desire for absolutely nothing to change.

But the harsh, cold, true reality is that you can't hold back time. You can't wish it to stop, or to rewind. Time presses on with more endurance than anything else I know or know of. Time changes things we wish to stay the same. Time presses forward, and the more we wish it to hold on, we miss where time has brought us at that moment.

But the thing more consistent than even time itself is God. ("Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever." Hebrews 13:8) And that consistent God is ever faithful, not just to me, but to Ginger as well.

Ginger, as you go, remember that the loving and faithful hand of the Father is on you and all your ways. Know that though time and distance are between us for this season, you are always dear to my heart, and never far from my thoughts. 

Allow the Son to be the light by which you shine. You are so endearing, and lovely, dear Ginger. Let the Father use that! I get overwhelmed thinking of the ways He could. ("For what we proclaim is not ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, with ourselves as your servants for Jesus' sake. For God, who said, 'Let light shine out of darkness,' has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ." 2 Corinthians 4:5&6; "The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it." John 1:5

I don't know how life will look for you in the coming months; and I dare say neither do you. I know you pray. I love to hear you pray. But sometimes, the words just don't come for any of us. When those times come, take comfort. Your shouts of joy or your wails of grief or your moans of confusion or your silence of thankfulness are each heard, and understood. The Father knows. He kind of thought of everything :). ("...the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words." Romans 8:26)

That passage is pretty cool. It goes on to say, that "he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified." (Through vs. 30) 

Ginger I don't know what being adults is going to look like for either of us. Where that will take us, and who it will shape us into. But please know that I am praying for you, wherever you go, will love you however He creates you to be, and will visit you, no matter where He calls you to live!

(Ginger and I spent a lot of time together this summer, but this is the only picture we got. Two of our dearest friends between us!) 

The story of a Ginger friend

Once upon a time, two little girls grew up together. They went to each others' houses a lot, and spent the night often. They got to do a lot of cool things together:

They went to a horse farm when they were little. And one time, they were pirates:

They were very apart of each others' lives. They had a pretty cool childhood together. When they got just a little older, they decided, "hey, we actually like being friends." As if they didn't already do a lot together, they started doing more and more together. They became apart of so much. One thanksgiving, they even spent the night with each other! These girls were inseparable!

Over the next few years they had some pretty cool adventures:

they got cool Indian shirts at a festival

they got to go to the zoo together!

oh and one time, they were ninjas for a while

they were free entertainment to their families, because they're just so funny

 

they made each other laugh, a lot!

they made messes...

...and new friends

and then, they graduated...TOGETHER!

They're grown up now. (Note, not ALL grown up ;)) And that crazy red-headed girl is off following the greatest call of her life: making disciples. She will be leaving the country soon. She's been gone for a few months, training already, and the other girl misses her terrible. But more than all that missing, she is so proud of her. Because she can't imagine having all these wonderful memories with someone more amazing! This ginger is another sister. Loved by her family, and cherished by so many. They're still very dear friends, and skype once a week as time allows. But on the edge of adulthood, they see how the Father is working to use them best to His glory in different parts of the world. Although the girl is sad to see her friend leave for a time, she can't imagine her firey-haired, partner in crime doing anything less than EXACTLY what The Lord wants of her.

To follow this amazing gal's journey across the Nations, visit her blog.

I love you so much girl and I'm praying for you as you GO! :)

A City in my Heart

"If you read the Bible cover-to-cover, you'll read that it all starts in a Garden and ends in a City." -Brother Stan

(A view I've grown to love)

This past week I got to serve with a church in the middle of urban Philadelphia. (Walking distance from the Art Museum and the famous Rocky statue.) The church we were working with is planted right on what's called the socioeconomic fault line of Philadelphia. This "fault-line" divides two very different classes of people. To the south of the dividing line (which is literally just one road.) is a group of mostly mid-upper class people/higher income, primarily Caucasian, and to the north is low income, lower class, primarily not Caucasian. Our pastor, (Brother Stan) has a heart to create community and UNITY in that location, because his church is located right on the line of division. He had our team split into two groups, and the other group was sent to University City. (An area near downtown Philadelphia that has two major college campuses and a few community colleges.) My group got to spend a lot of time prayer walking, which is something I had never done a whole lot of. We did a lot of walking in both the north and south sides of the line, and walking around in Fairmount Park (one of the largest urban parks; bigger than Central Park in New York). The park is a hotpsot, and where we had a lot of interaction later in the week.

The most incredible moment of the week, was prayer walking. I've never done a whole lot of that, and what it did, was open my eyes to the needs of the community. When we were walking around the south side, my heart was so burdened for the people, because they had so much. Everything had it's place, everything was neat and orderly, and they were far above their northern neighbors, and you could tell they felt that way. There was just this air of superiority. They had so much, why did they need Jesus? And that's how they feel for the most part. As far as they're concerned, life is pretty good.

When we headed north, it was heart breaking. An environment I would expect to see in third-world countries was all around me. Trash, all over the place, and a stench to match it; side walks that were so hazardous and neglected; children playing in the streets with no adult supervision; houses falling apart; steps literally falling off the front of houses with trash crammed down into them; houses that don't meet code, housing more people than they should. It broke my heart to pieces.

I met two men (and based on our limited conversation, I assume they were brothers) who prided themselves on the fact that their street was "safe". Why? Because of was 2*th street, and all the murders happened on 2*th street, two streets over. These poor men were mad, however, that they were so stereotypically thrown into a trouble making category. Based on race alone, they had been "picked up and spent the morning in jail because authorities in the area have tendencies to 'harass'". One of the men shared that a few years back his wife was "murdered in a crossfire." And these people can't afford to live anywhere safer or better.

To make matters worse for this area, a major budget cut was made, that closed two high schools, a middle and an elementary school. And the remaining schools for the area cut anything "extra", keeping only teachers and food servers. Nurses, coaches, counselors, club leaders, teachers' assistance, etc. As if that wasn't bad enough, major amounts of money was granted for new jails in the area. Why would powers in authority would put money towards failure instead of success is beyond me, but that's how the score has been settled.

God is working in the city, and my prayer is that He lets  me be apart of it. I truly fell in love with this city, and I hope God directs my path back there soon.

In the mean time, I encourage each of you to pray for your city, and ask God to create in you a heart for where you live.

(Pictures to come! :))

~Mal