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25 at 25

wow. i remember the days i couldn't go a week without jotting out my random jumbled thoughts on here. it's been nine years since this blog appeared. nine? hooooow on earth. am i really old enough to have done anything for nine years?

yeah.

i am.

and as hard as 24 was for me (for whatever really dumb reason), 25 seems to be carrying a basket full of opportunity, silver lining, and new dreams- it feels like the page is turning. i felt 24 like a pang of time stabbed through my gut. but i am anticipating 25 like dawn after a long night.

the past few months (ok maybe year if we're honest) have been pretty rough and full of so much transition and change. as year 25 comes to a close, i thought it would be fun to sort of look back at the past year, since i would say its a year of the most obvious growth for me.

1. in october my job decided to close the location i was helping to run, and i transfered to the original location, which was about 40 minutes from my house. it was a rough transition because i wasn't used to a commute, and frankly my hours and pay kind of sucked. but i loved my boss and loved the work.  so i stayed.more on this in april...
2. november was very special for me- a cousin whom i'm quite close to was living locally for a few months and we got to spend a lot of time together. this may seem trivial, but it set a foundation for a friendship years in the making-our partents are first cousins and grew up super close, and now he and i are basically best friends. he lives on the other side of the world now, but we talk at least once a week. 
3. christmas is always my favorite season (yes, season.) and it starts october 1 for me. but this. past year was bittersweet as it was the first without our mamaw. i've always boasted to myself that i have survived loss very well, but her passing away showed me...i do not. i have missed her to the point of an aching heart many many times over the last almost two years. 
4. i also got a record player and got to visit the jefferson hotel for the first time(with two of my bests no less) again, these will seem insignificant, but they mattered to me. 
5. in january i became an aunt for the 8th time. our little nug came early and earned herself a nicu stay for about a week. i spent a good amount of time running to and from the hospital and my job trying to balance it all. when she finally came home, she belonged. she is the sweetest little feisty boo i know. she was also given the name of our late grandmother, so she's a very very special little lady. 
6. february spiraled me into the darkest season of this past year and i lost someone very dear to me. she was a mentor of sorts, spiritual parent of sorts- a walk-through-your-crap with you, support you, love you, chastise you, encourage you, fight for you kind of woman. i owe her a great deal, and she suddenly passed away in february. i told myself i was fine- again because i think loss doesn't affect me. and for a while i was able to act like it, but eventually it caught up to me.
7. march came at me with the weight of the stress i was feeling and i decided to take charge on my health. i was officially diagnosed with pcos and began my journy to find the healthiest lifystyle with syndrome that i could. i was put on medication for the first time ever and began to make health changes to be as healthy as i could.
8. later in march i made the incredibly difficult decision to leave my job. it killed me, but it was time. i gave them my notice and finished the month with them.
9. april one i started my first big girl job- an office administrative assistant. and i. hated. it. until i didn't. i have fallen in love with my work, my coworkers, and my position. i had initially had plans to start school and leave- but have since put those plans on hold. i want to grow here. 
10. later in april my pop got his knee replaced. this isn't a personal growth thing, but this was a personal prayer thing. i have begged him to look into it for so long- nothing makes your heart ache like seeing your daddy in pain. and he finally did the first one! this was a highlight of the month for me.
11. may was a big month for me. my little sister graduated high school! again, not a personal thing persay, but watching your baby sister complete childhood is insanely humbling. 
12. at the end of the month i bought my first car (my dad had been letting me use one of his since my job wasn't sustainable wages at the time) i was very excited to finally have a car in my name!
13. june was full from start to finish. we said good-bye to my pawpaw and my family once again entered a season of grief. happy grief, he could finally exsist in strength and cognative health again- but sad because he was so old, and so wise. i love that man.
14. i decided to enter the online dating scene where the first guy i dated for a breif time didn't have arms. that was a growing time for me, and a learning experience i wouldn't trade for anything. we decided after a few weeks to go our sperate ways, but i still learned a lot during that time, mostly about myself.
15. at the end of the month i went with my church to take the youth to camp. it was a bittersweet trip for many reasons. the only two seniors we had happened to be two of the students i was closest to, and camp is one of the last events they participate in before they move out of youth group. it was also bittersweet because the woman we lost in february was a vital part of our youth team. being there without her felt like we were vulnerable- and in many ways we were. it was a very good week and lots of growing happened- not just for the kids, but the leaders as well. 
16. when i got home from camp i took a giant leap of faith and did something insane- i moved out of my parents house. although i'm the first of my sisters to do this, i'm proud of myself. it hasn't been easy, and again, i have learned so much about myself, but i wouldn't do it differently if i had the choice. 
17. later in july i chose to make my mental health a priority and sought help and attention for the anxiety i had been experiencing for several years. it had started getting out of hand, and i was feeling physical symptoms. i'm mentioning this, because we have to continue to fight the stigma against mental health. it was a big deal for me- i didn't like the stigma and the lables and the medication- but my mind has been much healthier the last few months.
18. at the end of july, i took a little trip to the er for the first time ever. wow that was fun. my poor kidneys. i'm ok! but it was quite the recovery- one i'm not sure i ever quite finished.
19. in aughust i got my 10th piercing! again- yes! notable! (lobe, double lobe, double cartilage, nose, conch, tragus, and daith) 
20. i also did an arbonne 30 dyas to clean living challange, and lost 15 more pounds! (will talk about weight loss later- this was huge for me!) 
21. i was given a new responsibilty at work- comradry coordinator? haha not sure what to call it- but it's the most fun part of my job. i get paid to come up with ways for the company to bond. it started out with silly quotes and evolved to ridiculous pictures and jokes taped all over the place, notes in thier job folders, riddles with prizes- right now we're in the middle of a company wide game of clue. we'll see how this goes! i also redid our bathroom and that was a fun project to take on- most of the boys appreciate! lol
22. i did a weigh in and since february have lost almost 55lbs! (lets be honest...if fluxuates more than we want it to.) i was insanely proud of this though
23. we went to the beach for our 9th consecutive year as a family in september! it was a perfect week. and i slept a good bit of it...
24. in fact i slept so much that i decided to get checked for mono when i got home and sure enough. i had mono and round two of kidney stuff. yeah- i'm exghausted all the time. no lie.
25. as 25 draws to a close, i realize how much i have learned. you. need. a village. your people, around you, supporting you, loving you...i firmly believe that Jesus gave us souls to indwell so He could love us through each other. 

Excuse me, your ugly is showing: 2018 in review

as the year winds down, and a new one is cresting, my mind is racing, trying to weed through all the lessons i've learned this past year, while also trying to excite myself for all those that lay ahead.

this year brought a lot of firsts for me. for the very first time, i had a job wholly independent from my family. the adjustments it brought were completely unexpected. the things i have learned have been tattooed onto my mind, shaping me into someone almost wholly unrecognizable from who i was last year this time. independence, respect, work ethic, customer service, new skills, sharpening ones i already had...when i look back i feel like all i've done is grown. in just about every area. 

there were aspects of my character, i didn't realize people in my life just...put up with, until i was working with someone who wasn't going to. and it was in these ways that i grew that were most painful. i took it personally when i felt aspects of my personality were under attack, when what was being refined was my character. i could speak of the tact used, but what matters is that i was refined. and whether i liked method or not, i was made a better person. and i have some painful moments to be reminded of that by. 

just when i think i've been stretched and grown and refined enough, a new mirror is held in front of my ever learning but ugly character, and a new opportunity to grow is shoved down my throat, and placed into my tightly clenched fists. 

i have quoted many times my pop, who wisely says "people are messy" and this year i learned just how messy they can be. and as i learned how messy loving people is and how messy being a person is, i learned that when people are with people, the ugly comes out. let me tell y'all, 

the ugly. 

showed. 

up. 

i saw ugly in myself and others that i never even fathomed could be there. as my work situation has shifted, i went from working with one guy, to five women and boy was that a change. the honeymoon phase has ended, and the ugly is leaking out now as we all find our bearings with each other. i though we were in better shape than this, but we're learning new ways to deal with people as we learn to deal well with one another. new people: new things to learn about myself. 

amidst all the ugly i would say this: the ugly shows up, but 

always. 

choose. 

to learn. 

there are lessons in every small trial we face. there are always opportunities for our character to be refined. i didn't always view the ugly (mine or others) as opportunity to grow and change. i didn't always learn from every situation that left me feeling inadequate, or unsatisfied. but when i did, i was better for it. among all the ugly, learn, grow, repeat, there was one other thing, always available for the taking or the giving: grace. 

so.

much. 

grace.

at every short coming, at every failed attempt, or lack of attempt, at every new situation, or not-my-greatest-moments, in every moment of weakness, at the ugly of myself and those around me, there was grace on grace on grace for everyone involved. i wish i always remembered that, when moments felt beyond repair, that there was grace, but i remember it now. 

so go into 2019, ready to face the ugly, ready to learn, and ready to extend grace, to you, and those around you. happy new year, friends. 

Drowning Ahead of the Storm

Well, Florence sent my family packing after only two full days at the beach. This is an actual tragedy for my family. The beach is the highlight of our year, and we had only dipped our toes in before a mandatory evacuation was sent to the whole island. Where even my little, disappointed nephews kept face, the atmosphere was heavy as we left our beloved seaside. The air inside the truck felt as heavy as the thick air that was outside, dripping with the emotion of impending the storm. 

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I exaggerate, the storm isn't supposed to hit until Thursday. So today, the air was hardly heavy. But that's what made leaving so weird. The sky was bright blue and only dotted with fluffy white clouds. The wind was warm and carried with it the slightly fishy smell of the beautiful salty ocean. Sand lightly lifted in the gentle breeze, and the ocean itself seemed to be relaxing, unphased by the inevitable. Driving across the bridge, the sound seemed almost eerily still. 

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Why do storms bring some sense of calm right before they bring some amount of tragedy? Schools are already closing, coasts have been evacuated, water has been stocked, generators pulled out, and the hatches battened down. Storms are supposed to be calm before the hit, but there's a sense of suspenseful anticipation as well. It's like calm only because there's nothing that can be done to stop or stall what is about to come. It's calm, but it makes me feel like I'm drowning. 

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And that's where I feel like I am right now: drowning a little. I have felt like I'm on the cusp of a lot for a while, but I was looking forward to the week away to just recoup before that happened, and now, I've been thrown back into life 5 days early, and wholly unprepared for all that will unfold in the next few weeks. It's work, and church, and family. It's that I'm going to be 24 in a month, going to get my nose pierced, my SSC for work and potentially more responsibility there. It's that there are new babies in the family, and just lots of "things" coming up soon. It's not that it's any one big thing, it's that I just feel like a lot of little things mounted up and I don't always handle change very gracefully, and I feel like I absolutely have to. 

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I've shared about the disappointment my heart has been feeling about life, and trust me, I want that situation to change. But I also can't imagine making something fit into my life right now. I know when it's time, I will, but I also feel so overwhelmed, that longing for it makes me feel guilty. How on earth could I do it and do it well? The weight sits on my chest, and I just feel like I'm drowning.  

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I'm so thankful I have a Savior who is willing to call me to Himself, to give me peace and rest, and to give me fellow believers to carry this burden with me. Even if the burden doesn't have a name, the community He has given me cares. And for that I am thankful. 

haste the day

"My soul cried actual tears!" I laughingly posted in reply to the myriad of comments I got on a picture I had posted on Facebook. I had placed a coffee on the roof of my car, only for it to slide off and leave a (to this day) stain in the parking lot. Cream covered me, my car, the parking lot and brought me to the point of posting about it on facebook, humorously intended. 

But my joking comment has sparked months of ribbing from my boss. And now any time a mild tragedy occurs, he makes a point to ask how my souls doing, or if it's crying, or will just mockingly say "omg. my soul cried actual tears" and it has made me laugh and roll my eyes every single time. 

But as much as I joke about my soul and it's ability to express emotion, it shouldn't come as a surprise that my favorite hymn is "It Is Well With My Soul". And one of my favorite lines is in a verse that isn't always sung:

"Lord, haste the day that my faith shall be my sight"

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I have a control issue. Not that I like to control people, but I certainly like to control my situations, whatever they may be. I don't like not knowing what's going to happen, or I know exactly what I want to happen and I chase it with abandon. I'm not trying to be a deceptive manipulator, but I struggle with just letting a situation unravel naturally. 

This shouldn't come as a shock considering yesterday's post and my transparency on not being where I want to be to be. I want to take my situation by the hilt and wield it to what I consider to be my benefit. I don't know how to just lay something at the feet of my gracious Father, and leave it there.

I'll cry out in agony under the weight of a burden I'm not meant to bear, I'll wearily drop it in surrender, thinking I'm completely broken...only to find out 20 minutes later that something in the situation has shifted, and not the direction I want. Before I even realize what I've done, I see the evidence of "control" back on my hands. 

My exact comment to my mom was "I don't know how to pray it away." The desire for the situation to change, or for a specific situation to occur. It doesn't matter, I can't pray it away. I can't let it go.

Her solid advice was to find some verse or a song that I can keep coming back to me to aid in "taking every thought captive". "It is Well With My Soul" has been gently plaguing my mind for weeks now. I felt like the choice was logical to pick the hymn and commit to singing the truth giving melody. 

It's taking a lot of faith to leave it all at the Father's feet, faith beyond what I feel I have. But my pastor wisely says that "little faith, aimed at Jesus, is enough faith." 

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And Lord, haste the day

when my faith shall be my sight

the clouds be rolled back as a scroll;

the trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend

even so, it is well with my soul

The Chapter I Don't Get

This past week I had a quick but meaningful conversation with a girl from church. At just a year ahead of myself in life, she's relatable on levels I didn't know my soul needed her to be. She sighed and tossed her head back, her eyes searching the ceiling as her heart searched for the words. "I'm just not where I thought I'd be in life right now." All I could say was "same girl, same."
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Our culture is always comparing life to a book, at least in an implied sense.

"Same book, different chapter"
"turn a new page"
"your story is still being written"
"closing this chapter in our lives"
"time for a new chapter"

I think the list of lines goes on, but the idea is quite clear.

But have you ever been reading a book, pretty much any book, and you're deeply engrossed; be it your nasty algebra book, a biography, or the greatest novel(according to you), and you get to that chapter.

The chapter where all of the sudden the concept upon concept seems to not be working out.

Your historical hero did something that doesn't sit well with your opinion of them.

The hero is making decisions that make you pull your hair out.

Numbers aren't working, choices are irreversible, hope seems lost...the reader is left...well confused. Maybe frustrated. Maybe angry. Maybe hurt.

Does it matter though, the specificities of the unpleasant feeling? It sort of sits in the gut the same way no matter what you call it.

It sits, it gnaws, it destroys your joy. Sometimes only for a moment, sometimes for longer.
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I'm in that chapter in life. This chapter isn't making sense right now. I can't make sense of the numbers in front of me, the choices around me, or the plot that has been unclearly set before me. The characters aren't doing what I want them to, the story isn't going the way I thought it would...the details of my life do not look how I anticipated, imagined, dreamed, planned...

I want to clarify that where I am not wholly disappointed in my life, I'm mostly confused by the direction it is or isn't taking. I love my job. I love my church. I love my friend group. But by almost 24, I just anticipated my life looking a little less "free" and a little more settled down. I thought maybe I'd have a little more of the classic American dream and a little less of the millennail lack of commitment to show. I've seen several friends walk down the aisle and start their families and face the exciting reality of more soon. But I feel the "Jones" mentality screaming into my mind "you can't keep up" and know the whole time, there's absolutely not a thing I can do to mend that. It's not for lack of trying. I have had times of peace being where I am and times when it's all I can do to bear the weight of my reality, and I fight and struggle against it. I find joy where I am and then I lose sight of it and crumble.

Yes, this is the chapter I do not understand. I might reread it later on, I might understand it better then. But just now I don't know what's happening or why. And I wish I could tell you that there's much in my heart, and I believe that there can be, but I also believe it's ok to need to be filled up a little too. I don't hate my life, it just isn't the life I wanted at this point. I still want my job, I just want my own home too. I still want my church and my friends, I just want my husband with me. Lets double date, find a community group together...all those things.

I have a beautiful life, and I'm working to be thankful because the life I have is a gift.

Critical Community

Out of breath and riding the high of feeling like I was exactly where I was supposed to be, I rattled on about the youth ministry and proudly showed off the room where the kids meet as my wide eyed friend took it all in stride for me. They’ve been visiting our church and her kids have expressed interest in coming to youth discipleship and since that is the ministry team I serve on, I enthusiastically walked her through what their afternoon would look like.

But since service had already begun, we scurried back down the hallway to get back to our families and worship. We passed by one of my dearest friends husbands who was busily making sure the kids classes were all sorted and ready to maximize their time together.

“Here ya are, Patrick!” I called out as we passed and slipped him the check I owed him. My friend and I quickly made our way back down the stairs and through the lobby before going our separate ways at the worship center. I settled into my seat next to my ER nursing friend and hugged her since it had been several weeks of work and travel that have kept us from seeing one another. Several songs in, and Patrick’s wife made her way to her seat by her kids, followed several minutes later by Patrick.

As service ended I grabbed the youth intern to chat about an event and then hit the door, I had to get on the road to my nieces 3rd birthday party. But as I settled in for the two hour drive north, I realized I hadn’t even spoken to one of my dearest friends, and reflected on how common that is for us at church.

“Do not forsake meeting together”

I don’t think that verse from Hebrews is addressing specifically “church” in a traditional context, although I believe that’s part of it.

How did this woman I barely talk to on Sunday mornings become a person I don’t just admire but deeply and personally love and respect?

The answer is in the title: community. We talk about how critical it is, but do we really get it? A church requires a lot of serving people to run smoothly. If you are where you should be on a Sunday morning you will find yourself simultaneously in worship and in ministry. The two go hand in hand and make a Sunday run smoothly and effectively. But having a job to do sometimes doesn’t allow for that relationship building time of two or more Christians lives.

We absolutely have to have community with other believers or you will be an anonymous face, not serving, not participating, and not being apart of the vitality of your church.

How do you view your time at church? Do you “go” to church, or are you apart of one? And do you understand what I’m trying to say when I ask that? You will eventually get bored of going to a church and being a no name character of the script. At some point you either leave or take part.

Don’t mistake me- I’m not saying jump on the fist most glamorous opportunity that comes along. Don’t call attention to yourself, but do plug in. Do find where you should serve. Do find a need and fill it. Do find the people you should be meeting with. Do find community. Do not just show up and leave every Sunday. We were made for so much more.